Does anybody hold on to any of the good memories?

[coastalfog1]

This seems an odd thought as I'm in the process of packing to move 2500 miles away just to escape memories of her. They creep in, happy thoughts, memories of her smiling seemingly at peace. I know in retrospect they aren't real but they feel so amazing. The reality is I'm in a downward spiral and know I'm depressed. I'm just biding my time till I move.But these thoughts don't hurt and I feel alive, even loved at least for a second. So is holding on to happy memories a bad idea?

[Octoberfest]

I don't know that I would say it is a bad idea... . ultimately I think it is something that is a very personal decision; it may help some, it may hinder others.  I can tell you that the memories that plaque me are NEVER the happy ones- it is ALWAYS the instances of hurt, and betrayal.  I have to think hard to pull up a happy memory; not because they do not exist, but because they are so outshadowed by the painful ones.

[NoCRV]

After the break up with BPDex and before I knew about BPD I wrote of list of events and stuff that bothered me.  For a time I didn't want to look at the list and only see the good.  Now I look at the list more often as a reminder.

I thought to myself if I had done this for any previous relationship the list wouldn't have been longer than a few items.  It kind of reminds me of what a healthy relationship is and detach from the toxic one.

[Tausk]

For me it's been very important to look at all the emotions that I felt.  If I just paint my ex as evil, then I'm splitting and coping in the same way as a pwBPD.  My ex was by no means evil.  Her nature is destructive and her actions in the end were sociopathic, but she was not intending to be either.  It's was just the Disorder.

And the joy that I felt with her, especially during the idealization phase was very real.   But I need to understand that it was not what I thought it was.  It was not being viewed similarly by the two people.  That it was just for that moment.  

I tend to repress the negative.  It's a childhood coping mechanism to deal with the insanity and trauma of a hellish and abusive upbringing.  So I'm vulnerable to the ability to morph into Stockholm Syndrome due to my trauma bond.

On the other hand, when I'm angry and feeling scared, I see my ex as a purely evil cheating sociopath, whom I'm hoping to read about in the paper as a murder/suicide with her cheating new husband.

But the realities are neither one or the other.  The realities are mixtures of emotions, actions, intentions, and flaws and shortcomings, that brought me to this state.  And it's only in viewing the big picture that I can put together the pieces and be whole.

And being whole, is not something that I have been since I was a small child.  And not being whole is the principal reason that I was vulnerable to being lured in the the Disorder with my ex.    But becoming whole is happening, and I'm more here than ever.  

[growing_wings]

For me it's been very important to look at all the emotions that I felt.  If I just paint my ex as evil, then I'm splitting and coping in the same way as a pwBPD.  My ex was by no means evil.  Her nature is destructive and her actions in the end were sociopathic, but she was not intending to be either.  It's was just the Disorder.

I like how tausk puts it... . and i relate to it

Yes, I think of the happy memories too, i had some great great moments with her that made me feel so alive and happy. At the moment i tolerate those happy memories more, and i try to see then without judgement, but they still get me a tad sad. But during the early stages of the b/u i couldnt allow myself to think of happy memories with her, otherwise i would have broken NC straight away, i had to cling to the negative moments (plenty too) so i could deal with the b/u and prevent me from myself running back to her...

i am trying to have some balance now... i cant see her as evil for the rest of my life. it took 2 to have the relationship, and although it was a one sided r/s, we both had happy memories with each other, and i honour them.

SO i think is not a bad idea to hold on the happy memories , as long as you are strong enough to avoid them leading you back to her by slicing out the negative ones... .

[winston72]

Tausk, that was wonderfully expressed.  It is really about seeing the whole truth... . about ourselves, our exes and our relationships.  I suspect that many of us, certainly myself, arrived at this site as a result of compartmentalizing or repressing my own feelings within the BPD relationship.  So, it is to be expected that I would continue some of that pattern in its aftermath... . splitting her and the relationship into good and bad parts. 

In these many months after the break up, I still have difficulty creating a coherent narrative about what happened. And as I write this I am mindful that much of the relationship was incoherent, but that does not mean that there cannot be an over-arching understanding of it all.  Part of the confusion in such a relationship is that the good aspects can far outweigh the bad ones, but the bad ones can be so destructive and painful as to render me incapable of continuing.  It is a silly analogy, but I think I tried to live like the saying, "Other than the shooting, how did you enjoy the play, Mrs. Lincoln?"  I turned away from the pain and locked in on the warm, happy things.  And, Tausk, I had great practice doing this as a result of being raised in a very angry, dangerous family and home. 

In the vein of corny sayings, I am reminded of courtroom tv dramas when I was a kid.  The swearing in was, "... . the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God!"  Not sure if that is still the oath, but it is a good working motto for me right now!

Thank you all... . and Happy Valentine's Day!