How is they can control themselves when they need to?

[popeye6031]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to see what people's opinion was on this.

Why is it that our SO with BPD (or UBPD) can control themselves when they need to?

And then, eventually fall back into their old ways?

Over Christmas I spent time with my fiance (she lives abroad).

My main purpose was to tell her that we were finished and I did finish it.

But after a few days she begged me to give her another chance and promised she would change.

And she did well, she lasted nearly 4 weeks with just a few minor blow ups.

By the 4th week, the old tendencies started to creep in again.

Every day, for the next 2-3 weeks , I was pretty much accused of being with someone else.

I went to my mum's for dinner, that sent her into a fit.

I went to visit my dad (not seen him in 3 months), that sent her into a fit.

Come last weekend, I had enough and agains told her it was over.

She first accepted it and said she understood and how she knows it was her fault.

The next day she called and called until I answered.

She then begged me to take her back and to giver another chance.

And that she would try her best to control herself and how I needed to help her.

I agreed and said this was her last chance for sure.

And of course, for 5 days she has been on her best behaviour telling me what a fool she has been all this time and how she wishes she had realised it earlier.

Yea, it has only been 2 years!

I am pretty sure that in a few weeks time, the accusations and abuse will return.

So, how is she able to control herself now and not always?

[maxsterling]

Probably a survival mechanism. They can fight the urges if they have to, but that takes a huge effort, and it falls apart eventually    I once saw my dBPDgf go from a complete meltdown rage to pleasant company in a split second when we arrived at her friends' house.  We were staying the night at the friends' house, and as soon as they went to bed, her rage returned, yet she was careful to scream in a low voice.  Ever heard that one?  It's a full blown rage/scream but in a whisper!

[popeye6031]

Probably a survival mechanism. They can fight the urges if they have to, but that takes a huge effort, and it falls apart eventually    I once saw my dBPDgf go from a complete meltdown rage to pleasant company in a split second when we arrived at her friends' house.  We were staying the night at the friends' house, and as soon as they went to bed, her rage returned, yet she was careful to scream in a low voice.  Ever heard that one?  It's a full blown rage/scream but in a whisper!

LOL!  Not heard the scream done in a whisper.  That is a new one alright.  Yes, of course, I forgot that they put on this front everyday with almost everyone else in their lives, so being able to control themselves when it is needed is something they are well used.

[Remington]

I have seen this, quite often, lately.

The tone, the language, the behaviors all change in a just a moment, if there's another party/witness.  My dBPDgf will rage wildly at me, will stop to answer the phone in a sweet voice, will carry on a sweet conversation -- then hangs up the phone and immediately starts raging again. 

I have seen this so many times, I have asked her how she does this?

She told me, without any hesitation:  The person on the phone is not close to her and poses no threat to her re: rejection. I pose a threat to her because we are so close, therefore, she must drive me away before I can reject her.   

This doesn't really explain "how" she does it, it explains "why" she does it.  I think  this implies she IS in control of herself during these times, doesn't it?

It's very painful to be on the receiving end of this type of behavior and even more painful to see she can control herself during at least some of these times, but refuses to do so -- with/for me. I deserve better treatment than this.

Her raging is usually full of major distortions and she will not allow anyone to say a thing, or to ask a question, or to try to clarify or to calm her in any way.  There is no way to clear up the misinformation upon which she is basing her rage.  (Which leads me to believe she doesn't care if her reasons are accurate or real, she just wants to rage at me at that time.  She is determined I "will be painted black" during those times, no matter what.  I have done various types of responses, to see what happens.  It's best to just listen, to validate the fact that she is angry, while not validating the delusion.  Sometimes, I validate the fact that she is angry and then, I have to walk out.  Her rages become so long and often pick up steam.)  I am open to other viewpoints on this.

Remington

[popeye6031]

By what we are all saying here then is that can control themselves and know when to cotrol themsevles.

So, if that is the case, then how can they not control it all the time?

And therefore how their bad behaviour ever be excused?

[Remington]

Oh, and yes, there can be quieter periods of time, which can be peaceful, fun, and can stoke some hope.  Yet, the raging will start again, it's just a matter of time.

There might be some kind of "brain kindling" involved -- just a thought.  I wonder?  I ask this because it seems the more she does this, the less it takes to trigger her and she becomes, seemingly, one big trigger. ?

I have heard some people report this can be much less often if the pwBPD seeks intensive treatment (as in DBT) and if partners/family will also learn some DBT skills, and some other skills.  I don't know this first-hand, as my dBPD fiancé will not agree to participate in DBT training or in anything other than her 1:1 mtg with her therapist, even though her therapist and the consulting pdoc have urged her to do so for almost a year now.  (She feels people in these programs are "beneath her."

As I write, I am reminded of the pain of all involved, including the pwBPD.  

I certainly wish there was a quick cure.

Remington

[Remington]

By what we are all saying here then is that can control themselves and know when to cotrol themsevles.

So, if that is the case, then how can they not control it all the time?

And therefore how their bad behaviour ever be excused?

Popeye, that's a great question. I think it's a question we all wonder about.

Some info will say they are never in control, other info will say they are always in control.  I think the answer is somewhere in between? The answer may not always be the same answer, in every episode?

The answer my dBPD fiancé gave me is her answer and the answer she felt was true on that day, during that episode.  I am not sure it's always the answer she would give, or she would feel is true.  I think she is out of control at times.

I have also seen the raging seem very calculated, with a specific target and the ability to rapidly modify her behaviors.

Great thread, Popeye.

Remington

[maxsterling]

Some things that I have noticed:

- I can sense a "rage" coming on long before it happens, maybe hours, maybe days.  It's like she just wants to pick a fight and is looking for the trigger.  She even tells me "I feel so irritable today." 

- she typically freaks out/rages about something and gets it out of her system, and then can deal with whatever issue triggered it more rationally for awhile.  For example, she was freaking out about money.  In my process of explaining my budget to her, she was uptight before and immediately after.  But the next day she was more accepting of the fact I am broke.  Of course, I can already sense this worry about money returning. 

- There are times when she can't control herself when she needs to, and she suffers consequences:  Losing a job, someone responding negatively to her, losing a friend.  She feels intense shame over it, yet her overall behavior pattern has not changed and she still either uses her mental illness as an excuse or blames others. 

So my feeling is that it is *very* difficult for her to not express her emotions.  And her emotions are angry much of the time.  Eventually, that anger comes out because she cannot validate herself.  At least with my GF, the "control" is always only temporary, and I think that control only comes from a deeper defense mechanism.

[popeye6031]

I suppose it is hard for anyone to suppress behaviours they have had for years, especially for extended periods of time.

Their normal behaviour is to react but since they are controlling themselves, or trying to control themselves, then the can hold out for a certain length of time.

So maybe, just like us nons, they can only suppress emotions and frustrations for so long.