moving back home

[ibwalrus]

Daughter texted she will be moving back home in April. I said NO!  you are 22 .

She said its only for a few months , she said , I will be going school in a few months.

( I was just overcoming last months tornado visit. )

I said " I can help you succeed ($) and you can  find a roommate.

"She said she's too depressed.

Omg. I need to protect myself from her.

And , I have a middle school child to protect.

She is usually up all night & destruction  is her middle name .(rage  is her last name)

I still haven't payed to  fix the broken appliance from  her visit.

But , can't prove it broke because of her.

Argh... :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Perhaps you could try SET

I would like to support you while you are depressed until you get back in school

I understand that you are struggling at the moment



However our lifestyles are not very compatible at present and perhaps the best way to support you would be helping with accommodation



I'm new and you can probably phrase it better but it might help to look at the communicating with SET lesson

[co.jo]

Oh I know EXACTLY how you feel- my daughter still holds it against me that moving back was not an option. I am not sorry, it would have been a disaster. And the more I don't do, the more she manages to figure out.

good luck!

[Sstepdad]

There is a good possibility SD25 may be moving back in she is close to being homeless and has burned all the bridges at other places to stay.

If she comes it will be chaos and drama until she latches on to someone to move in with I am not looking forward to the prospect at all.

My wife and I are quiet by nature, and SD has to be surrounded be noise.

[ibwalrus]

Thank you for your responses . All of you. I'm not sure how to reply to individual responses , but thanks! It's nice to know I'm not alone.

[RunningWithScissors]

ibwalrus and Sstepdad -

My recent experience with my adult stepson may be helpful.  After living on his own for two years in another province he announced near the end of a Christmas visit (we paid for him to come home) that he was not going to go back and he was going to live with us.  Unfortunately, his behavior during the week while at home demonstrated an utter lack of respect for our house rules, and previously he had told us that he 'had no intention of ever living at home again because I can't conform to your house rules'.  Fair enough.  My husband and I were thisclose to letting him stay with us despite the ongoing issues in order to give him a fresh start and get him back in school (dropped out in Grade 10) and/or gainfully employed (he's been fired from every job he's ever had). 

Before we committed to letting him live with us, he managed to show us his true colors... . stole our liquor, drank himself into a blackout, denied responsibility or that this was even a problem, stole money and was abusive in other ways.  So, we told him that living with us was not an option, however we agreed that he needed a fresh start and staying in town was a good idea.  We then offered to help him consider options for finding a place to stay and finding employment. 

The story goes on from there (some of it is in my New Members/Intro post), but the point is that what worked for my husband and I is knowing what our values were (respect for others and for house rules) and sticking to our boundaries.  We are not seeking to change his behaviour, including his reliance on substance abuse, but are not allowing this behaviour to occur in our home.

Hope this helps.  Please know that whatever decision is right for you, you have my support and best wishes.

[peaceplease]

ibwalrus - If you decide to agree to let her live with you because you do not want her homeless, please prepare in advance.  Put in writing a  plan with expected move out date.  Also, what is expected of her while living with you.  Can you help her find a list of resources for housing, that does not include yours.  RunningWithScissors had a great response to this.

Sstepdad - I understand what you mean by being quiet and your SD is more attracted to noise.  that is the same case here.  we like quiet and boring.  My dd likes loud and stimulating.

I had my dd move out several years, ago.  I could no longer tolerate her living with us.  My therapist at the time told me to come up with a list of resources for her, and give her a move out date.  And, no matter what, she was to move out, even if it meant being homeless.  I sweated about her becoming homeless.  Fortunately, her case manager got her into a transitional housing program. My prayers were answered! 

[mom59]

I made the same mistake twice and my husband and I vowed to not make a third one. We sometimes think with our hearts and forget to use our brains. My daughter is 33 and every time she came home to live it was temporary. She would at first be so sweet and helpful but that did last for long. She would be become destructive and obnoxious. She would start fights for no reason, always needed money and if I did not comply would just steal from us. She has her own apartment now and things really have not improved in our relationship but we are safe and our home is peaceful. I lay awake at night worrying and wondering when she will get help. I pray every night and hope for the best. I know exactly how you feel. I don't recommend always bailing her out with money. She needs to start figuring out her own situations. I believe it only becomes a co-dependent situation for the both of you. If I let my daughter keep borrowing from us we would be financial drained.

Good luck with your decision. It is never easy. 

[ibwalrus]

Thank you for your responses.

[CopinginNY]

I have a 34 yr. old daughter that HAD to move home or else she'd be homeless.  Her behavior here is just out of control, verbal abuse to the 1k degree, breaking things, etc.  We HAD to go to Family Court and request a "refrain from" order.  This document is very much like a restraining order, but it does not preclude the person from habittating with you.  She has burnt all her bridges and does not have a place to go except for a homeless shelter.  As luck would have it, she made really threatening advances towards me and I had to call the police and have her violated.  Just has broken the little pieces of my heart that keep it going. She is still winding her way through the court system, but even this hasn't had a substantial effect on her behavior.  I truly feel that she'll NEVER learn.  We are retired and CAN"T afford to "put her up" in her own place.  I  feel like l'm withering away, every day, as there is no joy in our lives.  She is our only child and there is nothing to look forward to.