fear of abandonment vs. breaking up/bad parenting---are these prerequisites?

[always possible]

I am hoping to be posing a question to the audience here, but not sure if this is where to do it. If I am wrong, someone correct me and please redirect me.

My question is double-faceted.

ABANDONMENT:  if the fear of being abandoned is at the core of BPD, then wouldn't my ex-gf w/BPD not breakup with me all the time? We are currently broken up, for what I truly believe to be the last time.   Through the years she used to say 'you know I hate being alone!'  So yes, I'm looking for clarity here.

&

PARENTING:  she is not alone half the time b/c her son lives mostly with her.  For all intents and purposes, she is a pretty good mother. My question is- is it a prerequisite o sorts to be a 'not so good' parent? 

I look forward to learning from anyone's input.

Thank you

[tired-of-it-all]

There is a  saying about BPD:  "I hate you.  Please don't leave me."

Sometimes they break up because they want to get you before you break up with them.  It is also a form of control over the relationship.  They want to keep you reeling and off balance.  She probably does hate being alone.  She also hates the pain and failure in your relationship.  Nothing works for her so she keeps jumping back and forth. 

As far as her parenting, she probably is a lousy parent.  You just haven't seen it clearly or faced reality yet.  There is no telling what goes on behind closed doors.  Her son knows that he had better not tell.  He is playing her game also.  He was raised in it.  It is all that he knows in life.

[always possible]

Thank you for the response.

It's very tiring, emotionally and psychologically.

I find it very interesting that so many of the non BPD partners face a great deal of difficulty in leaving or being apart. I know I have and still do... .

[ugghh]

Regarding the fear of abandonment, tired hit it on the spot.  The constant threats to leave or actual leaving are a method of manipulation to keep control.  What the pwBPD is doing is testing you in ever more dramatic ways to get you to prove your love for them.  Because they cannot really love themselves, deep down they are convinced that no one else could possibly love them either.  If you pass the test (call them, contact them, say you are sorry, beg them to come back, etc.) they get the temporary euphoria of being wanted, soon to be followed by the gnawing of the underlying emotional emptiness.

Then they begin the cycle all over again of looking for ways in which they "know" that the non will betray them.

Regarding her parenting, if she is like most BPD, her son is simply a convenient way to fulfill her emotional needs.  If you are not familiar, I would suggest you look up the 4 types of BPD mothers as defined by Christine Lawson.  I would lay odds that after reading it you will have an "ah-hah" moment as some of her behavior rings familiar.

[maxsterling]

Well, you reached the head-scratching conundrum of BPD.  They fear abandonment, complain about all the people who have "dumped" them, yet exhibit behaviors that will eventually drive everyone off.  My GF complain she has no friends.  Well, of the half dozen or so people that contact her every week, she doesn't contact them back.  Never wants to hang out.  Never wants to do anything without me.  And these people who want to be her friend just give up.  With the r/s - I think the pwBPD has it rooted in your brain that you will leave.  They don't need any evidence to feel this way, they just do.  So rather than be dumped, they find a way to make you evil and justify leaving.  They come back when their new r/s fails, or they feel lonely.  My GF on occasion has basically said "You should break up with me".  So I did, and she raged.  I told her I would leave if she didn't calm herself, and she said she would kill herself if I left, and it would be my fault.  And she wonders why her r/s don't last.  Makes no sense to us!

As for the parenting - look closer.  I try to not use absolutes like "good" and "bad" when it comes to parenting, and I am sure all BPD parents have their tender good sides.  But if you look at the overall pattern, you will see that the child plays a different role in the pwBPDs life than that of a child.  My BPDgf said she wanted a child so that she will always have someone to love her.  In other words, she's already making her un-conceived child responsible for her emotions, and that is not healthy.  She wants a child to "fix" her.  A few years ago I had an NPD/BPD GF who had a son.  The son was GREAT kid, and at first I thought she was an awesome single mother.  But as I got to know the child more, I realized he was the "adult" in the relationship.  And then I saw her get drunk and accuse him of weird stuff, saw her hit him, and he told me that his mom hits him when she drinks - he asked me to help his mom quit drinking.  And he was 11 at the time.  I suspect if you really look at her parenting, you will find areas where she is using the child to fill her own emotional hole.