Going back home and facing BPD mom after 1 year

[Depression = 72% of members]

This summer I will go back home to visit my family members and friends, but because I don't have money to stay at a hotel (and I cannot stay with other family members or friends due to lack of space), I have to stay at my BPD mom's house.

This happens every once a year when I go there to visit. And every time it is the same. I usually stay for 2 weeks. For the first 3-4 days, she is an angel, and treats me very niece and warm. She wants to buy me everything she can afford, even if I tell her that I don't need anything.

After the 5th day, she becomes more accustomed to my presence and the "craziness" begins. She becomes very jealous about me going to visit friends and other family members. If I get a gift from somebody other than her, she becomes crazy jealous (usually yelling at me about how I "only appreciate other people's gifts but I could not care less about hers". The fights continue to escalate in both frequency and intensity until about 2 days before I travel back.

Then, she starts crying for the last two days as if I she is going to die or something. She simply go to every extreme possible to the point of making me extremely anxious and vulnerable!

I simply hate these two weeks that I am there! But not going there is not an option, especially because I have elderly family members that I really want to see and who also miss me a lot.

How should I prepare myself to deal with her tantrums while I am there? Are there any boundary skills that I can use during these two weeks so that I don't engage in unnecessary conflicts with her?

[needtolearn]

This summer I will go back home to visit my family members and friends, but because I don't have money to stay at a hotel (and I cannot stay with other family members or friends due to lack of space), I have to stay at my BPD mom's house.

This happens every once a year when I go there to visit. And every time it is the same. I usually stay for 2 weeks. For the first 3-4 days, she is an angel, and treats me very niece and warm. She wants to buy me everything she can afford, even if I tell her that I don't need anything.

After the 5th day, she becomes more accustomed to my presence and the "craziness" begins. She becomes very jealous about me going to visit friends and other family members. If I get a gift from somebody other than her, she becomes crazy jealous (usually yelling at me about how I "only appreciate other people's gifts but I could not care less about hers". The fights continue to escalate in both frequency and intensity until about 2 days before I travel back.

Then, she starts crying for the last two days as if I she is going to die or something. She simply go to every extreme possible to the point of making me extremely anxious and vulnerable!

I simply hate these two weeks that I am there! But not going there is not an option, especially because I have elderly family members that I really want to see and who also miss me a lot.

How should I prepare myself to deal with her tantrums while I am there? Are there any boundary skills that I can use during these two weeks so that I don't engage in unnecessary conflicts with her?

[Kwamina]

Hi needtolearn 

Since you've already experienced this before I can see why you might be feeling anxious. Your experience can also help you though, because you know exactly what to expect. Having the right expectations won't change her behavior, but it will help you be less shocked and in doing so change your own behavior. It might help if you keep reminding yourself that whatever she says or does, isn't a reflection of who you are. It's only a reflection of your mother's own inner turmoil and has nothing to do with you. This will hopefully help you not take her behavior personally. Being in the same house as her for 2 weeks will probably still be uncomfortable, but hopefully this will help you cope better. 

[AsianSon]

This summer I will go back home to visit my family members and friends, but because I don't have money to stay at a hotel (and I cannot stay with other family members or friends due to lack of space), I have to stay at my BPD mom's house.

This happens every once a year when I go there to visit. And every time it is the same. I usually stay for 2 weeks. For the first 3-4 days, she is an angel, and treats me very niece and warm. She wants to buy me everything she can afford, even if I tell her that I don't need anything.

After the 5th day, she becomes more accustomed to my presence and the "craziness" begins. She becomes very jealous about me going to visit friends and other family members. If I get a gift from somebody other than her, she becomes crazy jealous (usually yelling at me about how I "only appreciate other people's gifts but I could not care less about hers". The fights continue to escalate in both frequency and intensity until about 2 days before I travel back.

Then, she starts crying for the last two days as if I she is going to die or something. She simply go to every extreme possible to the point of making me extremely anxious and vulnerable!

I simply hate these two weeks that I am there! But not going there is not an option, especially because I have elderly family members that I really want to see and who also miss me a lot.

How should I prepare myself to deal with her tantrums while I am there? Are there any boundary skills that I can use during these two weeks so that I don't engage in unnecessary conflicts with her?

Hi needtolearn,

You are not alone! My uBPD mother goes thru exactly the same thing. Like you, one of worst parts is at the end of the visit, where her separation anxiety / abandonment fears are on full display.  This is so bad that when my siblings and I all visit, there is recognition of not wanting to be the last one to leave. 

And like you, the happiness for the first few days happens everytime.  Perhaps you can try to extend that happy period by including her in some of your visits to other friends and family members.  I also try to spend time going with her to visit her friends or joining her hobbies.  But perhaps you can do these while also setting (and maintaining) a boundary that there will be times that you want to visit others without her and it is ok because you also spend time with her.  The boundary might be more successful if you can help her see that you spend time on both sides (with her and on your own).  I sometimes point out to my mother that I am nearly 50 and so of course would spend time without her.  This can work because the alternative is usually illogical to her. 

As for gifts from others, perhaps she doesn't have to know about all (or any) of them as a way of coping with / avoiding that trigger. 

Last, I completely understand your anxiety and vulnerability at the end of the visit.  It is never easy for me, and the best I can suggest is to try reminding her of the next time you visit (even if it is a general plan for the future) a few days before you leave.  It might also help to try and extend the boundary of you having to do your work back home. 

Finally, I agree with Kwamina's comments.  Please remember that while it may seem a little emotionally distant, your mother's inner turmoil should not pull you into her spiral of emotions.  You have to maintain your own peace and wellbeing. 

[bemindful]

Hi, there.

You know, I ran into similar issues with my family when I would visit.  I am not BPD, but suspect my sister may be (combined with a heavy NPD edge).  I discovered, with the help of my husband, that visiting family for more than 4-5 days just wasn't going to happen.  Five days is the upper limit before the tension starts.  And that's whether or not my uBPD/NPD sister is present (for the most part, she hasn't been since I got married).  The issues with my parents are more NPD related.  To be clear, though, I get as frustrated as they do cruel.  So I don't think it's just their behavior that makes it difficult.  It might be helpful to examine how you contribute and recognize you have a role in the total situation -- know what I mean?

Next time, you might consider a shorter visit.  I know for me, two weeks seems unbearable.  And why not cap it off on the four-day high note?

As for coping, I would suggest the following:

1. Spend as little time with your mom as possible.  If she's panicking and crazy-making, all the more reason to stay away since you can't solve her issues anyhow.  Focus on enjoying the elderly family members and friends you rarely get to see as much as possible.

2. If it were me, I'd have trouble with her feeling like her house is just a free motel, so I'd want to spend a few days with her.  Maybe you could set that up before you even go.  "Mom, I want to make sure I spend time with Joe, Mary Jane, and Susie.  So the focus of this trip is on them.  However, I also want to spend a few days with you.  How do Monday, Thursday, and Saturday sound?"  Try to plan out what you're going to do with her in advance, using "busyness" as the reason.

3. I spent the 6 weeks before seeing my uBPD/NPD sister last writing and researching every day about how I was going to deal with her, set limits, and take care of myself.  Focus hard on that as you get ready to visit.  You've even got a few months to start looking at how you contribute to the situation and to practice a change in your own behavior. 

4. You say "the fighting escalates" and that suggests you participate in it.  Don't.  Ha!  Easier said than done, right?  But really, as you're preparing for the visit, stop and think about at what point it turns into a fight.  If you remain calm, how can it become a fight?  Walk away if she gets out of hand and there's no fight.

5. Don't explain yourself.  This one has always been a struggle for me and I'm in my 40s!  I tend to justify my behavior like... . the people in my life need to know why I think this or do that.  They don't.  Unless you want to explain yourself to someone who may never understand, just don't do it.

6. Don't feel responsible for her behavior.  This will be particularly difficult when she's bawling, I suspect.  But that's hers to own and still not yours to solve, no matter how much she acts like it is.  Just like your crying is yours to own, so is hers.

7. If she freaks out about the gifts from others, why tell her about them?  Just keep them to yourself and maybe ask the givers to ship them to you (or ship them to yourself).  If she asks about gifts you may have gotten, be honest, but maybe try to show less excitement.  She's not going to share in your excitement if it's not about her, probably.

Honestly, for me, the biggest most groundbreaking advancement was recognizing how I contributed to the situation, owning that role, and changing my own behavior.  I've still got a hell of a lot to learn (that's why I'm here), but owning up to that crap truth was a giant leap.

And chin up. It's only two weeks of your life and you'll get to see a lot of people you love.  Focus on the positive as much as you can.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi needtolearn, 

I understand why you're apprehensive, given how your previous visits home have gone. The good thing, though, is that you do have some time to prepare for your visit and you can already predict how your mother will behave.

You mentioned that things go well for a few days, and then sometime around day 5 things get rough. What changes around that time, aside from your visits to other family members?

Boundaries are a very good idea. Have you had a chance to read this yet: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence? That's a good place to start.

Remember that the visit is temporary, too. That helped me when I went home to visit while I was away at college.