BPD Mother affecting my peace and sanity

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I wrote a previous post detailing my mother who has BPD, but I wanted to update that she is on a streak right now trying to discredit me, and make me out to be a horrible person, as well as a liar. She claims I made up or "exaggerated" the times she would hit me with a belt and leave welts, or how she'd make fun of my weight by pretending their was an earthquake when I'd walk down the stairs. She has officially turned my siblings against me. My younger sister is quoting Bible verse nonstop online directed towards me.

I did some research on "gaslighting" and I really feel that it fits my situation. I don't consider my mother to be someone so evil as to lie about me. I believe that she truly believes it. But it really is effecting my own sanity and making me feel like the scum of the Earth. I don't know how to ever reach the mother i use to know. There's nothing I can do. I wonder if God-forbid something terrible happened to me, would she wake up and see clearly then? Or would it not matter? If a freak accident resulted in my death, would she feel any differently? She has effectively cut herself and my siblings off from me, and won't stop calling me a liar. My Grandmother, Uncle, and extended family are a great support for me, but OI'm still very afraid of my mother. I've taken to sleeping on the floor, and locking my door with a metal bar in front of me just to feel secure at night. (Not because I believe she'd physically harm me, but it just gives me security against any kind of verbal conflict/in person) I can't leave the house because I'm staying to live with my grandmother who needs my help and refuses to be "chased out of her own house.) I don't know what to do but I'm always anxious and struggle with being depressed over it all. She makes me feel crazy with her firm beliefe I'm lying, despite my other's family members not only believing but supporting me. Any help would be greatly apprecaited

[Kent07]

I wrote a previous post detailing my mother who has BPD, but I wanted to update that she is on a streak right now trying to discredit me, and make me out to be a horrible person, as well as a liar. She claims I made up or "exaggerated" the times she would hit me with a belt and leave welts, or how she'd make fun of my weight by pretending their was an earthquake when I'd walk down the stairs. She has officially turned my siblings against me. My younger sister is quoting Bible verse nonstop online directed towards me.

I did some research on "gaslighting" and I really feel that it fits my situation. I don't consider my mother to be someone so evil as to lie about me. I believe that she truly believes it. But it really is effecting my own sanity and making me feel like the scum of the Earth. I don't know how to ever reach the mother i use to know. There's nothing I can do. I wonder if God-forbid something terrible happened to me, would she wake up and see clearly then? Or would it not matter? If a freak accident resulted in my death, would she feel any differently? She has effectively cut herself and my siblings off from me, and won't stop calling me a liar. My Grandmother, Uncle, and extended family are a great support for me, but OI'm still very afraid of my mother. I've taken to sleeping on the floor, and locking my door with a metal bar in front of me just to feel secure at night. (Not because I believe she'd physically harm me, but it just gives me security against any kind of verbal conflict/in person) I can't leave the house because I'm staying to live with my grandmother who needs my help and refuses to be "chased out of her own house.) I don't know what to do but I'm always anxious and struggle with being depressed over it all. She makes me feel crazy with her firm beliefe I'm lying, despite my other's family members not only believing but supporting me. Any help would be greatly apprecaited

[Turkish]

What does James say is The Royal Law? "Love they neighbor as thyself." I think some guy named Jesus said the same thing. Also Moses and a few other prophets and Apostles. James also said, "mercy trumps judgement."

The problem is when people who at their core probably hate themselves project their anger outward, because of their inability to deal with it on their own. Cherry-picking verses to punish is hurtful... Do you have faith, and faith that they are wrong, even though part of you may struggle by thinking that they are right?

T

[Kent07]

What does James say is The Royal Law? "Love they neighbor as thyself." I think some guy named Jesus said the same thing. Also Moses and a few other prophets and Apostles. James also said, "mercy trumps judgement."

The problem is when people who at their core probably hate themselves project their anger outward, because of their inability to deal with it on their own. Cherry-picking verses to punish is hurtful... Do you have faith, and faith that they are wrong, even though part of you may struggle by thinking that they are right?

T

I do have a lot of faith, as well as faith that they are wrong and acting hypocritically. My sister is only 14 and largely influenced by my mom. and I feel a level of peace and security when I pray. I acknowledge I'm not perfect and have many mistakes growing up but I also know I'm a good person. I think the most difficult struggle is still wanting my mom's approval and acceptance of me, though I know I will never get it. I have many people who love me and have become like family. I don't know why my mom still has so much power and control over how I feel about myself and my life

[Turkish]

What does James say is The Royal Law? "Love they neighbor as thyself." I think some guy named Jesus said the same thing. Also Moses and a few other prophets and Apostles. James also said, "mercy trumps judgement."

The problem is when people who at their core probably hate themselves project their anger outward, because of their inability to deal with it on their own. Cherry-picking verses to punish is hurtful... Do you have faith, and faith that they are wrong, even though part of you may struggle by thinking that they are right?

T

I do have a lot of faith, as well as faith that they are wrong and acting hypocritically. My sister is only 14 and largely influenced by my mom. and I feel a level of peace and security when I pray. I acknowledge I'm not perfect and have many mistakes growing up but I also know I'm a good person. I think the most difficult struggle is still wanting my mom's approval and acceptance of me, though I know I will never get it. I have many people who love me and have become like family. I don't know why my mom still has so much power and control over how I feel about myself and my life

It's great that you have the support outside of your home. Many of us feel the same way you do, a desire to have the parent we wished we had versus the parent who is.

Have you had a chance to look through the resources (book recommendations, articles and workshops) in the Suggested Reading? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56280.0


From:

Do not allow others to 'rent space' in your 'head'

... .many of us have been habitually "renting out" the precious space in our minds to totally undeserving, and sometimes quite malicious, people for many years. So long, in fact, that it can actually be very tough to simply "turn off" this type of ultra-self-defeating behavior after all this time and practice.

But when you think about it, you quickly realize that this dangerous kind of emotional arrangement is the furthest thing from a "fair exchange." After all, what do the nasty nay-sayers get out of the deal? Why, they get to have a considerable amount of emotional power and control over us. Specifically, they get the power to dominate our thoughts and our memory banks for weeks, months ... .or even years. And what do we get in return? Well, we get a whole lot of angst, heartache and pain.

That's right. Every time that we "rent out our precious mental space" to nasty individuals by continually analyzing and mulling over the cruel things that they have said and/or done to us, we are actually giving them little bits and pieces of our precious emotional strength and personal power ... .both of which can be very difficult to get back as time marches on.

It's hard to turn off the "punitive parent" inner voice while another part of you desires the "loving parent."