exBPDbf out of the hospital today

[chillamom]

Hi, folks,

Happy St. Patrick's Day….here in NJ we have about 6 inches of snow on the ground and it's still falling a bit, so it doesn't seem much like spring is almost here…... anyway, my ex is being released from the mental hospital today.  I spoke with him this morning (I confess I have indeed picked up the phone maybe once a day when he has called, out of the maybe 30 calls per day that I have received).  He sounds very sane and together, far far better than when he went into the facility last week.  Except of course for one thing….he has not even begun to process the fact that our relationship is over.  We broke up about 12 days ago, which was the catalyst that sent him back to the hospital (he has been there several times before) and now of course he wants to try again, he will be going to therapy, he will be changing, etc.etc. I'm sure many of you on here have heard this all before.  Regardless of what he says, I will not be changing my mind because I refuse to get back on that roller coaster.  This board has helped me tremendously in terms of being resolute.  Still, it goes without saying that I miss him painfully, for whatever strange and desperate reasons…... he wants to come over and get some of his things later in the week.   I don't want to be mean and say no, especially if he really WILL be trying to get better and stay in therapy, but I just see things recycling again if I do.  Anybody have any advice here?  Like I said, a week ago he was COMPLETELY delusional and now he seems all centered and "fine" (I think he's VERY medicated in the hospital and will stop taking the meds as soon as he can).  I'm sorry to sound disjointed and confusing here, but I guess my bottom line is: would a friendship be possible at all at this point?  He claims to need me terribly.  Or would that be a huge damn mistake?  As you can probably guess, me head is saying HUGE DAMN MISTAKE and my heart is going out to him…….thanks!

[Stjarna]

I am so sorry.  I was there too when my exuBPDh had a serious suicide attempt and spent 2 weeks in the hospital when he suspected I might want out of the relationship.  His act is actually what sent me over the edge, knowing that I could no longer live with this kind of violence in my life, even if at this point it was directed at himself.  I left our home and moved into a little apartment while he was in the hospital. 

My ex was completely horrid and irrational while in the hospital, calling our children and threatening them with various things, telling them that he would kill me, etc.  But, when he was finally released, he did seem "fine," like he was going to take responsibility for what he had done and the way he had treated me for all the years.  He made promises galore, he wanted to be friends at the very least, he had court-ordered treatment by both therapists and a psychiatrist.  But, he wasn't fine at all.  It has been almost a year now, and he still goes from "fine" to "threatening" in the space of two texts, 20 minutes apart. 

This is just my story, but I've read enough of the very sad stories on these boards to know that it is more typical than not that this disorder just keeps causing heartache for all involved. 

[WhatTheFrank]

It's time to stop worrying about what's best for him and put that focus back on you.

Do you think you could have a friendship with this person?  If you hadn't been in this intimate relationship with him, would you want/allow a friend in your life that has behaves the way he has? 

He claims he needs you... . what do you need?

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, chilla,  Why don't you have a friend over when he comes to get his things, or maybe just have the friend there while you go out for a while?  I suggest that you keep good boundaries, as I mentioned before, by maintaining limited contact, for example, by limiting him to one phone call a day, or whatever works for you.  You will need time and space away from him in order to figure out your next steps, in my view.  Lucky Jim