what would happen if I leave?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am under so much stress, and it seems to be building daily.  I have more and more responsibilities at home due to my pwBPD's cycles of deterioration, that I 'm doing all the chores and she lays in bed complaining about how this new medication keeps her awake.

I have hermited myself off from my coworkers, because I feel so burdened by all of her neediness.  My burden feels heavier by the day: but I think this is another of her controlling cycles.

She says, "What if I had Cancer, would you treat me like that?"  To all of those out there with cancer, families of loved ones with cancer, and cancer survivors I mean no disrespect.  Her model is not analogous, but in her mind it is.

If I left for a month what would happen?  Would she show herself the proclaimed insecurities and inabilities she has espoused are all a façade? 

How would I explain that to the kids?  "Mommy went away last summer to get better, now it's Papa's turn?"  I think my oldest would be crushed: he can't stand her.  My younger ones may not protest since she has inculcated them with parts of her belief system.

I am also posting this on L2.

[gary seven]

I am under so much stress, and it seems to be building daily.  I have more and more responsibilities at home due to my pwBPD's cycles of deterioration, that I 'm doing all the chores and she lays in bed complaining about how this new medication keeps her awake.

I have hermited myself off from my coworkers, because I feel so burdened by all of her neediness.  My burden feels heavier by the day: but I think this is another of her controlling cycles.

She says, "What if I had Cancer, would you treat me like that?"  To all of those out there with cancer, families of loved ones with cancer, and cancer survivors I mean no disrespect.  Her model is not analogous, but in her mind it is.

If I left for a month what would happen?  Would she show herself the proclaimed insecurities and inabilities she has espoused are all a façade? 

How would I explain that to the kids?  "Mommy went away last summer to get better, now it's Papa's turn?"  I think my oldest would be crushed: he can't stand her.  My younger ones may not protest since she has inculcated them with parts of her belief system.

I am also posting this on L2.

[Matt]

Several things going on here - stress, legal issues, and of course the kids.

One thing to consider is trying to reverse the distance that is growing between you and your co-workers (and maybe other friends and family too).  You need all those connections right now, more than ever.  Can you pick a few people you used to be close to, and try to re-start those relationships?

Leaving for a few days might be something you need to do, but be careful not to put yourself at risk of being accused of abandoning the children (or the home).  If the kids feel abandoned, or if you're gone long enough for your wife to see you as abandoning her or the home, that could cause problems including maybe legal problems.  If the marriage can't be fixed, she could demand the house and primary custody of the kids, saying you left them, and she might be successful with that.

Maybe you can go on a "business trip".  I did that once - it was a real out-of-town trip, for a week, but it was canceled, and I went anyway.  I didn't take the flight, I just booked a hotel room in my city and stayed there for the week, and worked and relaxed.  It helped.  The kids weren't freaked out because I often traveled on business.  The risk, of course, was that my wife would find out what I was doing - getting away from her for a week - and that would make things worse.  But that didn't happen.

If that's what you need to do, to deal with your stress, maybe that would be OK, though usually dishonesty isn't good.

The bigger picture is that you need to decide what you really want - to continue the marriage, maybe getting marriage counseling, or to end it.

Do you think it can be fixed?

How old are the kids?

[gary seven]

Matt:

I appreciate your thoughts.

I actually had a legitimate 3day  business trip last month: I felt guilty about leaving my kids alone with her and my inlaws (who timed a visit to help but, as usual, are worthless in keeping to our kids' schedules--i.e., showing up at the house at 11 am and leaving by 4 so they could have lunch... . ).  Things have been worse since I got back, "You abandoned me with my parents," she said.

We tried the marriage counseling thing from aug-dec last year, it cost more money than I can afford, and she would never implement any of the recommendations.  Besides the cost I ended the counseling when my oldest (S9), announced after a particularly horrible thanksgiving, that he was going to run away because of all the screaming.  His T told me two days later that he had been planning it for a while.  He got the car keys, but I ran out after him to calm him down and  he and I took a special trip to Waffle House just to decompress some more. We try to steal moment away just the two of us:  we drink decaf tea at night, and recently we have taken to play several rounds of rummy. 

I also has a D7 and S7.  My S7 has had a rough year at school, being suspended three times already, for behavioral problems.  He's a year ahead grade wise and two years ahead in Math.  Since he has an earlier bedtime it's hard to get to be with him, but we do make his bed together and he relishes me setting a timer out for him to time how long it takes him to empty the clean silverware baskets from the dishwasher.  My D7 is lovely, artistic, a grade ahead in Math, but is constantly attached to my wife. I have promised to do things with her, but get shut down again when my wife ends all fun when bedtime beckons.  I have promised her an art table in the basement: I will sneak off tonight to make sure I get to start putting the space together.

Spring Break for the kids is coming up:  I can't take off from work but have suggested she take the kids with her aunt out of town for a few days---sort of a reverse time off for me.  Last year (all I can say )  "the evil grandparents" took her and the kids on a cruise that was nothing but a floating scream fest between my wife, the kids and my MIL.  We have no other friends left that would put up with my wife's behavior, despite her having "legions" of friends on facebook.  Her siblings won't even tolerate her shenanigans.

I just don't know what the right thing to do is much anymore.

[Matt]

Well you're here on "Family Law" so are you thinking of divorce?

Maybe counseling for the kids - I did that.  I talked to the school counselor, who recommended a counselor in private practice, and that was a good resource for the kids.

Also... . what about cardiovascular exercise?  Won't solve any problems but will help you manage your stress, which is a big aspect of this.

[livednlearned]

I have the same question as Matt -- are you thinking about divorce?

Most of us here are in different stages of divorce and can tell you what it's been like for us, what it's like now, how are kids were doing then, how they're doing now, what to expect from the court system. And some things you might find useful if you do decide to leave.

I think the undecided stage is the hardest. You are trying to make a serious decision when you're stressed out, beaten down, and feeling hopeless. These are challenging relationships and when you have kids, a job, no support network, a lot of responsibilities, and a lot of love for your kids -- the decision can feel crippling. It's hard if you stay, hard if you go.

What is keeping you? What is making you want to go?