Giving in and giving up

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello. I haven't posted in a long time.  My divorce and custody battle has lasted 4 years and I have spent over $40,000 to keep my kids even part of the time.  THey are getting ready to testify in court how much they don't want to live with me (14 year old twins and I have already lost their 15 year old brother). They come over and I full of mis-trust and are ready to jump on anything I say that they disagree with,which is most of the time.  They do not respect me in any way and they do not do what I ask them to do.  There was an incident that happened over a week ago and I was concerned that any response from me would make things way worse, so I locked myself in the bedroom.  The screaming, the running down the hall with a wooden sword against my door, made me call my brother to help me calm them down,which he did.  THey simply dislike me totally and it is not 100% safe for me to be around them anymore.

So last night, I decided to bring them back to their other parent.  I know it was sudden for them,but court is a week from this Tuesday and it was not going to end well anyway.  I just shortened the time that I had to be around the dark vibes coming from them.

I have been crying almost non-stop. I am so deeply sad and heartbroken.  These boys are my grandchildren who I adopted with my partner 10 years ago and she has been very effective at turning their hearts and minds. She is the poster child for BPD and for narcissitic personality disorder as well.

What can I say more?

[rainboja]

Hello. I haven't posted in a long time.  My divorce and custody battle has lasted 4 years and I have spent over $40,000 to keep my kids even part of the time.  THey are getting ready to testify in court how much they don't want to live with me (14 year old twins and I have already lost their 15 year old brother). They come over and I full of mis-trust and are ready to jump on anything I say that they disagree with,which is most of the time.  They do not respect me in any way and they do not do what I ask them to do.  There was an incident that happened over a week ago and I was concerned that any response from me would make things way worse, so I locked myself in the bedroom.  The screaming, the running down the hall with a wooden sword against my door, made me call my brother to help me calm them down,which he did.  THey simply dislike me totally and it is not 100% safe for me to be around them anymore.

So last night, I decided to bring them back to their other parent.  I know it was sudden for them,but court is a week from this Tuesday and it was not going to end well anyway.  I just shortened the time that I had to be around the dark vibes coming from them.

I have been crying almost non-stop. I am so deeply sad and heartbroken.  These boys are my grandchildren who I adopted with my partner 10 years ago and she has been very effective at turning their hearts and minds. She is the poster child for BPD and for narcissitic personality disorder as well.

What can I say more?

[livednlearned]

Hello. I haven't posted in a long time.  My divorce and custody battle has lasted 4 years and I have spent over $40,000 to keep my kids even part of the time.  THey are getting ready to testify in court how much they don't want to live with me (14 year old twins and I have already lost their 15 year old brother). They come over and I full of mis-trust and are ready to jump on anything I say that they disagree with,which is most of the time.  They do not respect me in any way and they do not do what I ask them to do.  There was an incident that happened over a week ago and I was concerned that any response from me would make things way worse, so I locked myself in the bedroom.  The screaming, the running down the hall with a wooden sword against my door, made me call my brother to help me calm them down,which he did.  THey simply dislike me totally and it is not 100% safe for me to be around them anymore.

So last night, I decided to bring them back to their other parent.  I know it was sudden for them,but court is a week from this Tuesday and it was not going to end well anyway.  I just shortened the time that I had to be around the dark vibes coming from them.

I have been crying almost non-stop. I am so deeply sad and heartbroken.  These boys are my grandchildren who I adopted with my partner 10 years ago and she has been very effective at turning their hearts and minds. She is the poster child for BPD and for narcissitic personality disorder as well.

What can I say more?

Hi rainboja,

I'm sorry you're in so much pain from this bitter custody battle. It sounds awful. To be a grown adult and feel so scared of your own teens that you have to lock yourself in the bathroom -- that is horrible.

These are your bio grandchildren? That you adopted? Is the other parent where you returned them their other grandmother? Apologies for the confusion, I'm trying to understand the legal relationships so I can better understand the custody issues.

It sounds like you had a psych eval done. Did the eval find BPD?

Are you thinking that this court hearing coming up will end up with you losing custody?

[Matt]

Ask your lawyer about delaying this upcoming court date.  Lawyers have a million ways to delay things - let her come up with how to do it.  Tell her you need a few weeks.

That will relieve the pressure of the court date coming up.

Then find a counselor who can help you.  There are clearly some parenting problems - not just problems caused by the other party (though those can be very difficult) but also problems in how you relate to the kids.  Those can be fixed but it will take some big changes in how you deal with them.  An experienced family counselor can help you with that.

[ForeverDad]

Clearly there is parental alienation.  Yes, courts and many professionals are reluctant to call it a syndrome (PAS) but it is simply not normal for children to utterly oppose one parent without very good (or very bad) cause.

Do you have a recent edition of Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison?  Or visit his web site and browse his various articles.  There or in the final chapters of his book he describes Family Bridges, a new way to restore an alienated parent's relationship with the children. Typically this is accomplished only by court order.  However, court will not do so unless shown the way.

www.warshak.com/services/family-bridges.html

Why not investigate this?  Frankly giving in or giving up, while an option, is not a solution.

[maxen]

hi rainboja. we have a video about parental alienation that may get you started: What is "parental alienation"?

i'm terribly sorry for your pain. please keep posting!

[Matt]

Your lawyer may advise you not to use the term "parental alienation" or say "PAS".  Ask her what terms would be more acceptable.  Some judges think PAS is exaggerated so you have be careful how you talk about it.