Found drugs-I knew it.

[mama72]

Some of you may recall a recent post of mine, wondering about drug testing my DD? Multiple red flags and my intuitions kicking in. Bought a drug test from Walgreens, she tested negative. I was relieved, of course, but still had this nagging feeling. She has had weight loss, decreased appetite, excessive tiredness, dropping grades, and multiple posts about drug use on her blog.

Found one trazadone and one amphetamine (?Adderall) in her wallet today. She is away at a spiritual retreat all weekend and has no cell phone. We will have no contact until Sunday afternoon.

I am so scared. Called her T and she is going to check with some colleagues on what should be the next step.

I know when we confront my DD she will lie. She will say she was holding the pills for a friend. She lies all the time.

Any advice on how to handle this? How can you more forward with drug treatment if the person denies using? What if I am wrong about it? I hate doubting myself when there is so much evidence, but she has messed with my mind so much, that this self-doubt usually happens.

Please help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, autkpi... . I'm very sorry this is happening with your daughter; it pretty much kills us when our worst fears are realized, and we have to face the fact that our child is self-destructing. Although, the spiritual retreat sounds like a good thing, no? Will something positive be coming out of this weekend for her possibly? Has she gone to these before, and if so, were they productive?

It's good that her Therapist is on it, and will consult with other professionals to help you figure out what to do next... . Is there any chance your daughter could be admitted to a Dual Diagnosis Program? A place that would not only help her with the drug use, but also her mental health issues? I realize that she will most likely deny the drug use, but hopefully the Therapist can help her get to the place of honesty, to the place where she will realize that she needs help.

Hang in there, autkpi, and lean on the professionals you have around you for help. Do you have your own Therapist (I can't remember if you've mentioned that before)? I'm sure your daughter's Therapist will work with you, and we're here to listen and support you... . I'm so sorry; I've been there, and when reality shocks you it does take some time to rally and then start moving to a solution. For some reason, I keep thinking this spiritual retreat will be good for her, and maybe when she gets home and you need to move on from there, things won't be as hard as you anticipate 

[mama72]

Thanks, RR.

Yes, I have been praying that this retreat would do something to stir up some good actions in her. This retreat is a big deal at her high school and since she starting high school, I have wanted her to go to it her Junior year so bad. But, I did not say a word about it all year, she would think I was controlling her. I has just accepted that she probably would not go. But, one night at dinner, she said she wanted to go, and I said "cool", even though my heart was dancing wit joy! Signed her up the very next day.

Perhaps, all the talk about truth, honesty, mercy, forgiveness that they will be talking about this weekend will resonate with her?

I do see a T and I think she is great. I feel so much better after I meet with her. She just gets me.

I have some phone calls to make about getting a drug abuse evaluation done and will need to speak with DD school counselor, as well.

Found another 1/2 pill in her wallet. From what I can tell from the markings, it is hydrocodone?

Wonder were else she is hiding pills"

[Rapt Reader]

I'm glad, too, that she is going on this retreat... . I've learned that just because our child with BPD has a drug problem (and my adult son did, too), it doesn't make him or her a "bad person", and she could really soar spiritually if she's ready to have a better life.

My son had an addiction to opiates (and Hydrocodone is an opiate), and his Neurofeedback Therapist showed us why that was, when she did a brain scan. His many mental health issues are (at least partly) a product of some sort of amygdala/right brain/left brain thing (I can't explain it!) and opiates just fill in the blanks where something was just missing in his brain. She told him that by looking at his scan, she was not at all surprised that he had been addicted to opiates; he was self-medicating with the exact substance that made him feel "normal".

If she does have a dependency or even an addiction, she needs help, not anger (if possible) from you. And I pray that after this weekend she will accept it--if indeed she has a drug problem--and that her Therapist has put something together for her. And at a Dual Diagnosis Program (maybe you can mention it to her Therapist?) she would not only get help for the substance problem, but also for her BPD and any other mental health issues she may have. I know that finding the pills has upended your world right now, autkpi, but you may have just stumbled across something that will bring help to your daughter 

[peaceplease]

autkpi,

I am sorry that you found pills in your dd's wallet.   The trazadone would explain the excessive tiredness.  The  Adderall would explain the weight loss, but it is a stimulant, so it does not match with the tiredness.  Hydrocodone can make you tired or perk you up.  So, what do you think is going on? 

When will her therapist be getting back to you? 

I think that it is good that you found this while she is not home.  It gives you time to come up with a plan.  It sounds like you are doing a good job, already.  You called her therapist, and she is on it.

Rapt Reader is right in that addicts are not bad people.  It is not a moral problem.  It is a health problem.

Her  being on a spiritual retreat is great timing! Hopefully, you will be able to have a good discussion with her when she gets home.

[jellibeans]

Dear autkpi

I feel I am misunderstanding your post... . you said you gave her a drug test and it was negative? that means she did not test positive?

Finding these other drugs I am sure is cuasing you worry... . what meds is she on legally? I would be concerned that these other drugs are not interacting with the ones she is on... . I sometimes find meds in strange places... . I do beleive she is so careless at times she drops them or doesn't take all from the given slot... . I can always tell when she has forgotten meds which she often does when she sleeps at others homes.

You have time to prepare and figure out how to approach this with her... . I thik her biggest crime here is trying to find something to relieve her pain... . that doesn't come in a bottle... . she needs to do the work too.

[mama72]

Yes, she did pass a drug test last week, but the trazadone and hydro codeine would not have shown up on this 5 panel test. The amphetamine foul have, but it is out I the urine in about 10 hours to 3 days, from what I have read online. She is legally only on Zoloft 100mg once a day.

I know she is in pain and I just want to help her. She has addition on both sides of the gene pool and I feel that this is serious.

I feel like I am going crazy! I know in my heart something is not right, but what if I am wrong and falsely accusing her? She will be angry I was going through her wallet. I guess I shouldn't really are, I am the villain anyway. But, am I letting my feelings become facts? So tired of doubting myself all the time.

She fits every sign and symptom of someone abusing a substance. She even wrote on a Tumblr post under a drug tag, that she was "craving right now, tbh (to be honest)"

DD T was suppose to call me yesterday, she didn't.

DD dad was suppose to call me yesterday, he didn't.

I am screaming for help with this child and no one will listen. I know soya of you here must have felt this way so often.

[jellibeans]

Dear autkpl

I am screaming for help with this child and no one will listen. I know soya of you here must have felt this way so often.

I feel this way often... . when things are bad I post here... . it helps me find an approach to dealing with her. I might have a sit down with her and ask how she is feeling? Does she feel her medication is helping her etc... . I feel coming from that point of view might be seen less confrontational and less controling... . I have found there always seems to be a power struggle with my dd... reducing that will reduce conflict. Have you finished reading Valerie Porr's book? I found that book very helpful.

I don't see taking these other drugs as a crime... . but more of her way of trying to soothe herself... . self medicate. I guess what needs to be determined is just how much and how bad her addiction is right now. It might involve her going into treatment.

How is your contact with her right now? Is she still living with her father? I think it would be helpful to have a conversation with your ex so you can be all on the same page. There needs to be a consequence for her actions so what can you do in that area? I might ground my dd if I thought she could not be trusted to be out on her own... . that might limit her ability to get these drugs. I can't stress enough how important it is to stop the power struggles... . is your dd ODD?

[mama72]

When dd is at her dad's house, our contact is minimal. I have been medium chillin' it.  We just switched to an every other week schedule (50/50) because she was causing such chaos at our house. Our younger dd was starting to be affected and I was afraid my BPDdd was going to accuse my hubby of abuse, which is totally untrue. My DH is a wonderful man, who has done nothing but love and provide for my DD as if she were his biological daughter.

I do not think my DD is ODD and it has never been brought up as a possible diagnosis. I think she is just full blown BPD (and possible bipolar?).

I agree that the power struggles have to end, and I think I am making progress in that department.

Her dad (my ex) seems so underwhelmed when it comes to her struggles. He is a self-proclaimed narcissist, and very proud of it. He is very difficult to deal with and my DD has painted me black to him. Not only do I have to be smart with approaching my daughter, I feel like I have to be just as tactful with her dad. I feel like I always have to convince him of the severity of her situation. It is exhausting.

I have finished Porr's book and will refer back to it before confronting my dd.

Thank you so much for your input, jellibeans. I means the world to me! What tools do you find most effective in reducing the power struggles with your dd? I know that I need to approach dd with love and concern, which are my intentions, but I know she will lie. I have realized that her lying to me is MY trigger. I am working at not taking the lies personally and to realize it is her coping mechanism. 

[jellibeans]

Let me ask you what are your top three things that you fight with your dd about?

[mama72]

1. About her lying.

2. About school performance. (I have let off heavily most recently).

3. Speaking disrespectfully.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

okay

Lying is a bit vague... . it would depend what she lied about. If she is suppose to sleep at someone house but ended up somewhere else she would be grounded... . and for a time she would only be able to have a friend come to our home where she can be supervised.

School- We bought our dd a car for Christmas and for passing her semester but she could only drive the car if she kept her grades up... . I am dealing with this now... . she has no car and is grounded. While her grades are falling and she is putting forth no effort I would try to not nag her. Sadly her real consequence here is that she might have to go to summer school... . try to get the school to help you... . if she is skipping they can give her Saturday detention... . I found I needed to ask for help from outside sources... . she respected them more.

Speaking dispectfully- I simply would not be in the same room with some who was not speaking respectfully to me. I remove myself from the abuse. If she follows me I leave the house or lock myself in my room. I do not under any circumstances interact with her. I would let things calm down and sooner or later she will want/need something from me... . a ride? money? I take that opportunity to tell her no to whatever she requested... . use SET... . acknowledge her frustration but the turth part is that it is not an excuse to talk to me that way. I would not be angry while doing this... . staying calm... . don't show anger.

I hope that helps... . I am sure other can give there 2 cents... . I really don't know if I am doing the right thing half the time... . but I keep trying

[mama72]

Fantastic advice, jellibeans. I never thought of asking the school to get involved with possibly setting up some consequences for grades. I am sure if she had to spend a few Saturday mornings at school, she would shape up! I need to talk to her school counselor more, he is new and a bit overwhelmed, I think. He previous school counselor passed away 2 months ago. She was a wonderful woman, who really cared for my DD. Such a loss for both of us. (She was a breast cancer survivor and was a great inspiration for me.)

My brother and I NEVER spoke to our parents the way she talks to us. We would have been picking ourselves off the floor if we did! I have gotten better about ignoring or calmly responding to her verbal abuse, but historically, I would get furious and sometimes stoop to her level. Not some very proud moments for me. I really get upset if she is mean to her younger sister. I can see the hurt and pain in my DD7 face when DD17 is so mean to her.

I spoke with DD dad (ex) tonight and had a very productive discussion. He found 2 more capsules of Amphetamines in her room and was going to look more. Found out she has been lying to him about where she is at and who she is with. I think he is now getting a look at what my life has been since she has been staying with him 50/50. Told him that he needed to not fight me on what we decide to do with treatment and consequences, he said he would support my decisions. We'll see……? Gong to give it some more thought tomorrow and pray about it tonight. I am scared as to what the future holds for this wonderful young woman.

[jellibeans]

What I think helps is just focusing on a few issues... . take small bites... . I wish I could offer more advise... . hang in there... . really focus on staying calm and not reacting when the emotions are high... . that is my biggest change and I don't always succeed but I am getting better... . tonight my dd really baited me and I was able to stop and not respond. I need to get some sleep so I can fight a new battle tomorrow... .

[mama72]

Update on DD17-

Started an outpatient drug treatment yesterday. I am sure many of you here are familiar with them, so I  won't get into details. She is abusing alcohol, marijuana, and possible prescriptions (won't admit taking them-surprise!).

I hope we are dong the right thing? I feel like she is not the typical teenager that experiments or abuses substances. She is BPD and who knows what else?

Does anyone here have any helpful advice on how to help our DD through treatment from a parenting a BPD perspective?

It has been a whirlwind of a week or so, plugging through all of the right options for DD and our family. I am exhausted and have my own oncology appt on Thursday, to add to the anxiety. I have been taking 1/4 of a xanax, that is prescribed by my oncologist to take prior to PET scans, to help with my restlessness, chest pain and heart racing. It helps these physical symptoms, but my mind is still anxious. Don't want to increase dose, as it makes me drowsy and I don't really like the way it makes me feel.

Any who…... if anyone has some advice, I would love to hear it.

Never thought that when I was holding that darling, blue-eyed baby in my arms 17 years ago, that we would be facing these enormous issues. So heartbreaking, but I hold onto that love that I first felt for her and know that it is just as strong today as it was those many years ago.

Blessings to all.

[jellibeans]

I think it would be good to ask the clinic how best to support her at home. For myself I would be keeping closer tabs on her... . I am not sure I would allow her the freedom to have sleepovers and go out where ever she wants... . I might want to have sleepover at your house and if you haven't already done so lock up all medication.

Your dd is still there... . this is just a bad time she is going through right now... . there are better days ahead