feeling stupid and ashamed….

[chillamom]

Well, so much for following the good advice I was given.  Despite knowing in my gut that it was a stupid ass move, I caved to the pressure put on me by my exBPDbf and met him for dinner.  So long, NC after 3 weeks.  Dumbest ass thing I ever did….never even made it to dinner.  Argued and cried for about an hour in the car, him begging me to come back, begging me to be "friends with benefits", breaking my heart and making me feel like a horrible horrible person.  He got out of my car to go back to his and I peeled out of that parking lot and went home.  Luckily he didn't follow me.  Many text messages have ensued. 

I don't even know what to say about myself here…I'm glad I have you folks to vent to because I would never admit I did something so ridiculous to people who wouldn't understand….I feel ashamed of myself for not keeping my cool, having a nice dinner, and maybe getting a bit of closure (?)  I knew when I was driving over that I would probably not be able to keep it together.  If anything it proves to me that I can't be around him at ALL at this point and I guess that's good to know. 

ANd I know the feelings I have for him are still there, I apparently can't deal with them. Well, I guess I can "congratulate" myself for NOT ending up in his arms….I just feel like such a failure, and such a bhit!  Ugh. 

[pinkparchment]

Hey lady, I'm just gonna give you a high five on not sleeping with him!  

I don't blame you one little bit. I would have an extremely difficult time not seeing my ex if she lived anywhere near me at all. I think staying no contact is incredibly difficult for most of us, as you can see from reading around the board.

Your ex knows you are a good person and as a BPD, he knows that his best tool to get you back is to appeal to your conscience and try to make you feel guilty. His happiness is not your job. Your happiness is now your job. He is a grown ass man that can join his own support forum for help dealing with his out of control emotions and abandonment issues.

Move along, move forward. Stop the texts, block the number. Use this experience as a reminder of exactly why NC is so important for you to heal.

[LettingGo14]

I just feel like such a failure, and such a bhit!  Ugh. 

This is a process, and you are definitely not a failure.   A good starting place is to touch your heart and remind yourself you are here because you want to be kind to yourself.

I recycled too many times, until I didn't.   With this community's help.

Step 1 is to forgive yourself.   You're good, chillamom.  And we are glad you are here.

[Narellan]

Thankyou for your honest post. Im 2 weeks and 2 days NC and im pretty sure i will respond when he calls (given i check my phone constantly and watch his FB posts). i miss him so much and I just cant believe its over... . so abruptly, and i would have gone to dinner too also just to get closure. I can see from your experience though, its more like opening than closure. Opening up of old wounds.

Dont be too hard on yourself.

[DiamondSW]

Oh my goodness, WHY are you being soo harsh on yourself... .

?  (This is painful to read)

If you want a story of a real idiot, my exBPDgf screamed at me on the streets of London in public for not buying her a holiday, and I felt so 'guilty' that to apologise (?) I bought her a £500 necklace as a 'sorry'... .  

Oh btw, she had 4-5 'holidays' last year, mostly luxury places abroad.  I had 1.

You did a brilliant job at trying to get some kind of closure and show kindness... . and it all went horribly wrong -That's the disorder, it's NOT you

"You can't reason with a disordered person"  true, true, true, true, x 1,000,000 x infinity 

[willy45]

Please read my posts... . I have been 1.5 years out. 1 year NC. And I picked up the phone and all chaos has ensued. You are only 3 weeks out! You are doing great. Give yourself a bit of slack here. You will learn. Good lord I hope I do too.