Can't take it anymore... Need Advice ASAP

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi... . My wife is uBPD.  I am still in love with her, but she has basically cut me out of her life.  We have a 1 year old daughter and I am pickng her up this morning, but my wife's parents will be meeting me, as my wife has a class she's taking.  She had a restraining order against me, because I wanted to reconcile and she had split me black already.  Her parents know she has issues but no one has ever diagnosed her as BPD, until I went to my own therapist and my wife has EVERY symptom.  She filed for divorce in Feb.  I don't want the divorce and want to save our marriage, for our sake and our daughter's. or at least try.  She has devalued me to her family and friends and they all think I'm just trying to take our daughter from her, which can't be further from the truth.  If I have an opportunity to talk with her parents this a.m., what should I say?  I am a decent person and have never even gotten a speeding ticket.  I think they know this, but they obviously support their daughter, which only enables her behavior.  She needs help and I think she wants it, in fact is crying out for it.  I'm the only one, who realizes what's wrong with her and am the ONLY guy that hasn't abandoned her, which is her biggest fear!  How do I approach them?

Thank you.

[kfifd196]

Hi... . My wife is uBPD.  I am still in love with her, but she has basically cut me out of her life.  We have a 1 year old daughter and I am pickng her up this morning, but my wife's parents will be meeting me, as my wife has a class she's taking.  She had a restraining order against me, because I wanted to reconcile and she had split me black already.  Her parents know she has issues but no one has ever diagnosed her as BPD, until I went to my own therapist and my wife has EVERY symptom.  She filed for divorce in Feb.  I don't want the divorce and want to save our marriage, for our sake and our daughter's. or at least try.  She has devalued me to her family and friends and they all think I'm just trying to take our daughter from her, which can't be further from the truth.  If I have an opportunity to talk with her parents this a.m., what should I say?  I am a decent person and have never even gotten a speeding ticket.  I think they know this, but they obviously support their daughter, which only enables her behavior.  She needs help and I think she wants it, in fact is crying out for it.  I'm the only one, who realizes what's wrong with her and am the ONLY guy that hasn't abandoned her, which is her biggest fear!  How do I approach them?

Thank you.

[trappeddad]

nothing ventured, nothing gained.     i think you have to do this, although with a BPD i question that you will have the results you like.    i would start with an email/snail mail to the parents to get them thinking about it.    a snail mail shows the seriousness of the situation, as we rarely use mail anymore.    your ex may see it, but put the focus on your child(their grandchild) and not on her borderline behavior.    this can be a reference they can keep referring to.   i'd reach out to other family/friends in this fashion too.    maybe i am naive, but you must try for your child's sake   

[livednlearned]

I'm glad you're asking this question now before talking to her parents.

If your divorce is active, that means the custody case is active. If she has filed a restraining order against you, then there's a good chance she will file other false allegations in order to increase her chances to get a better custody outcome. Don't make it easier for her to come up with ideas.

Divorces with BPD sufferers are different -- they're high conflict. You need to be extra careful. Others can chime in, but I would be very careful about what you say to your in-laws. Don't mention BPD to them -- that will get back to their daughter, and the next thing you know, she will accuse you of having a mental illness, trying to undermine your chances of spending time with your daughter.

Read Splitting: Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy. It's probably the most important thing you can do right now. There is a digital version on Amazon that you can download immediately and read on your computer. It will give you a good idea about how the court system works, and how pwBPD tend to get inflamed in an adversarial legal system. Court can be a very confounding and unfair process, especially for dads.

By trying to talk to your inlaws, you could seriously jeopardize custody of your daughter.

[livednlearned]

nothing ventured, nothing gained.     i think you have to do this, although with a BPD i question that you will have the results you like.    i would start with an email/snail mail to the parents to get them thinking about it.    a snail mail shows the seriousness of the situation, as we rarely use mail anymore.    your ex may see it, but put the focus on your child(their grandchild) and not on her borderline behavior.    this can be a reference they can keep referring to.   i'd reach out to other family/friends in this fashion too.    maybe i am naive, but you must try for your child's sake   

Be prepared to hear everything you put in writing read aloud in court.

[ForeverDad]

How did the exchange go?  This may be a rare opportunity to speak to the in-laws without her around.  It could go either way.  Are they likely to side with their daughter, as in blood is thicker than water?  Or are the reasonable and willing to listen to facts?  Their daughter has made emotional claims presented as facts and likely it will be hard to convince them otherwise.  Problem is, even if they're not themselves disordered, they could be gullible appeaser and enablers, just as bad.  If you choose to look for an opening to present your side of things, perhaps it can be "nothing ventured, nothing gained".  Feel your way through it.  If you do try anything, it may be best to focus on yourself as a good guy so you're not seen as someone tearing down their child.

However, despite what I wrote above, she filed a restraining order against you.  That changes everything.  It's possible that the terms of the RO prevent you from influencing those around her.  Read the terms closely, you don't want to overstep the rules.  And from what you've already written, they are enablers and may not listen to you or even oppose you.

Another question, have you had an opportunity to defend yourself in court?  Many of these ROs starts as temporary ones, TRO ex parte, that are in force only until a hearing is scheduled for both parties to appear so the judge can hear both sides.  You need to defend yourself well, due to the high stakes, you should have legal advice and representation.  Under no circumstances should you think that a 'plea deal' will fix everything.  Plea deals and offers often require the alleged perpetrator to admit some level of guilt which would make your parenting even harder to accomplish.