Anyone have a SOLID Parenting Plan to share?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Sigh ... . I have one of those 5 liner parenting plans with a one page attachment for holidays/summer/times.  It's been a HUGE problem with my exUBPDH blurring every boundary and then rubbing it in my face.

Does anyone have a very SOLID long detailed parenting plan they can PM me/share so I can work on the details ahead of hiring a lawyer?

I plan to use most of my tax refund to accomplish this (sigh ... . I have SO MANY other things I could use this money for but this is PIECE OF MIND which is priceless). 

I worry he will countersue for something weird like revising the custody agreement, but honestly with the amount of time he's wasted and the level of duplicity and disagreement he's shown (including not informing me of our son's 2nd and 3rd degree burns which he DID NOT get treated) I think now is not the ideal time for him to do this.

Any help would be appreciated.  I only have $1500 for a lawyer to get this accomplished. I'm praying that if I do a lot of the legwork, I can make it happen.

[blue_skies_ahead]

Sigh ... . I have one of those 5 liner parenting plans with a one page attachment for holidays/summer/times.  It's been a HUGE problem with my exUBPDH blurring every boundary and then rubbing it in my face.

Does anyone have a very SOLID long detailed parenting plan they can PM me/share so I can work on the details ahead of hiring a lawyer?

I plan to use most of my tax refund to accomplish this (sigh ... . I have SO MANY other things I could use this money for but this is PIECE OF MIND which is priceless). 

I worry he will countersue for something weird like revising the custody agreement, but honestly with the amount of time he's wasted and the level of duplicity and disagreement he's shown (including not informing me of our son's 2nd and 3rd degree burns which he DID NOT get treated) I think now is not the ideal time for him to do this.

Any help would be appreciated.  I only have $1500 for a lawyer to get this accomplished. I'm praying that if I do a lot of the legwork, I can make it happen.

[ennie]

I got a model parenting plan intended for use in "high conflict" parenting situations.  It was from a therapist.  With the qualification that this is not legal advice, and that was designed for use in the State of California, I would be happy to pass it along, if you message me and request it.  I do not want to post it because it would be obvious to BPD mom that it is our plan if she saw it. 

[blue_skies_ahead]

Thank you, Ennis.  I pm'ed you.  Hope you got it!

[david]

I made my own plan with the help of looking online for suggestions and mostly personal experience with my ex. Ex originally left in 2007. Chaos continued with me trying to "co parent". I finally gave that idea up in early 2009. Went to court later and handed in a detailed outline. Ex handed in a rant about me being controlling. I spelled out every holiday, including inservices at their school, birthdays, and all the normal holidays. Thanksgiving break, Christmas break, spring break were spelled out. Since they usually have as odd number of days I made it so the extra day is rotated year to year. It's those little details I had to think about in order to minimize chaos. I also wrote all scheduling must be through email (documentation) and both parties must agree in email. Once an agreement is reached by both parties it can not be changed unless both parties agree in an email. That one helped me a lot. Also, emails concerning children must be replied to within 48 hours.

[livednlearned]

We have a TOOLs page here on bpdfamily that might be helpful:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90775.0

And I can't remember where I got this from, but here's a long, super-detailed list that I think a parenting coordinator recommended. I'll have to paste it into two posts because it's so long:

Communication

Times when we can communicate directly:

• Significant medical or dental issues, medications or referrals to specialists.

• Significant issues with the child’s behaviour or discipline, such as police involvement with the child or the disappearance of the child.

• New and significant school issues, such as referral to special programming, truancy or suspensions.

• Minor adjustments in plans, excepting when the adjustment becomes a point of contention between parents.

Frequency of communication:

Does the parenting plan need to specify that parents are to communicate directly only in emergency situations?

• Are parents able to communicate directly about more than the critical information outlined above without the involvement of a third party?   

• Can parents work towards scheduling a regular time for communication, such as once a month or once weekly?

• How should a parent respond if the other parent is communicating too often, such as daily or many times during a single day?

Communication methods

• How do parents plan to exchange information? In person? By phone, letter or e-mail? 

• Is e-mail the preferred method of communication, given that it allows for a written record that shows the time of the message and the identity of the sender?

• Is voice mail, text messaging, and caller ID  acceptable if agreed to by both parents?

• Do parents need to consider having communications copied to neutral parties on each side to reduce the negativity in them?

• If the use of e-mail is the established mode of preferred communication, when will a telephone call be acceptable?

• Is face-to-face discussion between parents acceptable, or can parents eliminate this possibility if they establish transfer protocols that do not permit any physical proximity between them, except perhaps in situations that involve very young children? 

• If face-to-face communication is planned, what steps can parents take to ensure the child witnesses only civil and matter-of-fact communication between parents, rather that spiteful and negative exchanges that impact the child negatively?

Time frames for responding: 24 hours? 48 hours?

Education:

• Who consents for assessment procedures? e.g. psychology, occupational therapy, physical therapy, speech therapy.

• Who contributes to developing the Individual Program Plan (IPP) and who has the authority to sign it?

• Who consents to placement in a special class, program, or school and does the short or longterm nature of the placement alter this?

• What mechanism will be used if parents disagree about the assessments and/or interventions?

• Who pays for the fees and extra transportation costs of such programming?

• Who decides if the child needs extra services such as tutoring, and who takes the child to these sessions and pays for them?

Changeovers in parenting times

• What is the exact time of day that the transfer of parenting responsibility occurs? 

• Which parent is responsible during the child’s school day on a transfer day?

• Who is to be called if the child is ill, hurt, or otherwise must leave school on a transfer day?

• Who is responsible for providing care on a professional day, early dismissal day, or day during which school is cancelled?

• Can the parent who is not the designated parent on a particular school day take the child out of school to attend appointments and who books such appointments?

• Can the parent who is not the designated parent on a particular school day take the child out for lunch or come to the school to eat lunch with the child on school property?

• Can either parent take the children out of school early or return them late from weekends or holiday periods?

• Is there a designated maximum amount of time that children can miss school for such optional activities as holiday travel?

Transfers of materials

• How are transfers of clothing and materials to be handled between homes during changeovers from one parent to the other? 

• Should the child take only school materials along if the transfer is to occur at school, and how should other belongings be transferred?

• What happens if needed possessions are forgotten in one home and must be retrieved after the child has transferred to other parent’s care?

Children with organizational difficulties 

• What special considerations may be needed to manage issues such as homework, assignments and projects, notices and materials?

• Do arrangements need to be made to allow the child to e-mail work projects to a home account to permit continued work on them and to make sure they don’t get lost or misplaced between school and either of their homes?

Communication between home and school

• Who receives and signs the report card, school newsletter and other notices?   

• Are duplicate copies of notices and newsletters available for both parents?

• Does each parent assume responsibility for making arrangements with the school to receive copies of such information or is one parent responsible for making copies of all of this information for the other? Note: the first alternative may be the better option in high-conflict

situations.

• How will school picture or book orders be managed?

• What happens when information is sent to one parent that must be followed up by the other

during their parenting time, such as snack day or pyjama day? Can these matters be solved

in early school years if each parent obtains a copy of the monthly activity calendar?

Parent-teacher interviews

• Will parents attend parent-interviews together or can they book two separate interviews, or alternate in attending parent-teacher interviews?

• Can a parent bring a new partner, neighbour, relative, or friend to the parent-teacher interviews?

When both parents are attending an activity, such as a school concert, do they need to agree ahead of time about where each will sit, who will bring and take the child home, and the nature of contact between all parties so that the child does not have to choose one parent over the other?

Provision of the court order to the school   

• What procedures will be put in place to ensure the school setting has the most recent court order? Will one parent be responsible for this task?

• Should the school be provided only with the portion of the court order that pertains to that setting rather than the whole order, given the personal and private nature of some of the information it contains?  If so, how will this be achieved?

Parental behavior and communication during exchanges

During transfers in high-conflict situations, parents should not discuss any “business” over the child’s head. Such discussion should be structured as outlined in the portion of the parenting plan that specifies how issues are to be discussed and resolved.

• Can the parents communicate at all? 

• Should comments be limited to notifying the receiving parent of issues such as illness, special school days and other activities?

• What words should be used to say good-bye and greet the child so that the child does not feel pressured or constrained? For example, if a child is so attuned to the animosity and conflict between the parents that he or she will not hug or kiss a parent in the presence of the other, a different greeting may be necessary.

• Are parents able to tell the child to have a good time when they are leaving, so that the child has permission to enjoy time with the other parent?

• Do both parents need to institute rituals that ease the child’s transition between homes, such as having a snack, reading a special story, packing a special stuffed animal, or exchanging a hug prior to saying goodbye?

• Can parents say good-bye to the child and leave promptly so that the child is less likely to become agitated?

• Can parents be courteous, cordial, and polite during the exchange to limit the child’s anxiety?

Delayed returns

• What is the scheduled return time?

• What is an acceptable reason for the delay?

• What procedures are to be used if a parent is delayed in taking the child to an exchange or picking a child up? What number should be called?

• What are the procedures if a parent arrives to pick up a child and the child is not ready or not at home?

Notification regarding medical emergencies during extracurricular activities

• What degree of injury necessitates immediate notification of the other parent? Is it a broken bone, stitches, or an ambulance trip to the hospital?

• Which contact number should be used to notify the other parent?

• If the other parent is busy or unavailable, should someone else be notified who will then attempt to contact the parent about the child’s injury? This allows the immediate parent to direct attention to obtaining appropriate medical services for the child, instead of trying to track the other parent down.

Changes to the parenting schedule

• Are parents agreeable to adjusting the regular parenting scheudle to accommodate holiday periods? 

• Have parents established a regular transfer day, such as Thursday, that already allows for easier accommodations for long weekends throughout the year and may ease the transitions into longer holiday periods?

• If parents plan to change the regular parenting schedule during these holiday blocks of time, will parameters be set that are applied on a yearly basis? Given that parents’ work and holiday schedules often differ from the child’s scheduled school holidays, it is often wise to

plan holiday schedules on a yearly basis rather than on a holiday-by-holiday basis. The latter may result in confusion and conflict.

[livednlearned]

• How do parents plan to adjust the regular parenting schedule, perhaps alternating summer holiday periods on a four-week, two-week, or one-week schedule? Some establish the holiday parenting schedules depending upon whether the year is even or odd. For example, a

child spends the winter break with the father on all evenly numbered years and with the mother on all odd years. 

• Are parents sensitive to the child’s age and needs in determining the length of holiday blocks, given that a young child may have difficulty tolerating long separations from a parent on whom he or she is highly dependent. A longer-term plan that gradually increases

holiday length can be a prudent accommodation. It is vital to consider the child’s needs, not just the parents’.

Short-notice changes and accommodations 

• Many parents have little control over their own employment schedules and cannot make plans far in advance. What happens when a parent is not informed about his or her allotted holiday periods with the child until shortly before the actual holiday period? 

• What is the minimal notice required for changing schedules to accommodate a parent’s planned vacation periods? 

• If a parent cannot take the child during their designated holiday period, is the other parent expected to change their own plans to accommodate caring for the child? 

• How will the child be informed of the cancelled holiday and the alternate arrangements?

• If a parent cannot take time off work to accommodate all of the child’s holiday periods, what happens in regards to care of the child?   

• Can the child go to day-care, a baby sitter, a new spouse, or a member of the extended family during holiday periods? 

• Can the child attend day or over night camps or must the parent be personally parenting for the entire holiday? 

International travel

Who will be responsible for preparing the documentation necessary for international travel? For example:

• Passport

• Non-traveling parent’s permission letter – federal requirement. The non-traveling parent must have this notarized. Who pays the notary fee?

• Flight and accommodation itinerary – including specific dates and flights.

• Phone numbers at accommodations.

• Non-traveling parent’s contact information .

• Specific written permission to seek emergency medical care.

• Vaccination records or other necessary medical records.

• Travel insurance.

Also consider:

• Will a passport be necessary for travel? 

• Who will apply for the passport? 

• Who will sign as the guarantor for the child’s passport? 

• Who will pay for the passport? 

• Who will hold the passport?

• Who will arrange for necessary travel vaccinations? 

• Who will pay for vaccinations?

• Who will take the child to the travel clinic?

• Who will hold the documentation pertaining to the vaccinations?

• Under what exceptional circumstances would a parent not be listed as the emergency contact?

• Although in most families parents pay for the child’s holiday expenses, such as plane tickets, are there any exceptional circumstances in which this general rule would not apply?

Communication with the non-traveling parent

• Will the children be expected to call or contact the non-traveling parent? 

• Who pays for the telephone calls? 

• Will phone cards be provided? 

• Which way does the call go, child-to-parent or parent-to-child? 

• What time are the calls to be made, given that different time zones may result in calls at odd hours? 

• Do adolescents need to call the non-traveling parent?

Travel insurance

• Who will ensure that travel insurance is obtained for the child for the holiday? 

• Should extra medical costs be incurred, how will they be paid?

Health care

Under what circumstances would the children not retain the same health care providers they saw prior to the family break-up? 

• If a child requires a new care provider, who selects the provider?

• Under what name will the child be registered with the provider?

• How will a decision about a consultation be made if parents do not agree on the need for the consult or treatment itself?

• How will a decision about a consultation be made if parents do not agree on the choice of practitioner? 

• When is a second opinion needed and who would pay for this?

Appointments and routine care

• Will one parent be responsible for setting appointments and taking the child to the appointment, or will parents divide these responsibilities by type of practitioner, parenting time block, employment schedules, the insurance plan subscriber, etc.? 

• Will the parents alternate taking the child to appointments, recognizing that this will require more communication between them?

• Will both parents have direct access to the child’s records?

• Who will retain written documentation, such as the child’s immunization record?

• How will information about the findings of the consultations or the treatment progress be shared? 

• If a medical practitioner recommends a medication regime for a child, are there any

exceptional circumstances where parents do not need to follow the treatment plan? 

Emergency care

• If emergency care is required, can the parent responsible for the child provide the other parent’s contact information to the hospital or health care provider?

• Should the parent request that the emergency setting immediately contact the other parent or is that parent willing to make this contact?

• Once notified, should the other parent attend the emergency setting or do circumstances exist that would preclude their attendance, such as a restraining order? 

• Will parents be able to be civil to ensure the child is not further traumatized by the experience? 

• If one parent does not attend, how will he or she be updated about the child’s status?

Costs for care

• Who pays the basic medical fees?

• Who pays extra costs? For example:

• extended benefit plans;

• uncovered portions of costs;

• medication, supplements, medical appliances, orthotics, special diet, corrective lenses; or

• lost orthodontic appliances and corrective lenses.

• When one parent wishes the child to undergo a specific treatment that is not covered under standard health care, will this be a legitimate extraordinary expense. In other words, will both parents be contributing to cost?

• Who bears the cost of any non-essential medical interventions and materials, such as cosmetic orthodontics or contact lenses?

General issues regarding mental health

Given that many people are sensitive and cautious about seeking input for mental health concerns, and that some people see the need for mental health input for their children as negative reflection on their parenting, specific considerations arise in regards to this type of intervention.

Parents need to be very clear about the parameters of confidentiality in relation to a child’s mental

health:

• Can information be shared with both parents and can this include information about the other parent?

• Who else might access the information and who would give consent for that access? Additionally, the role of the professional must be clearly specified. For example, a counselor cannot assume an assessment role and cannot make recommendations about custody/access. Similarly, an assessor cannot also undertake simultaneous counselling with family members. Parents must clarify such distinctions (therapist v. assessor) from the very beginning of their contact with a mental health professional.

Should the other parent be given first right of care when a parent cannot provide care personally? For example, this might include before and after school care, overnights to accommodate business or out-of-town travel? Is there a minimum time frame that should apply?

[blue_skies_ahead]

Thank you so much for these!  It really helps and gives me hope that I will one day simply be able to state:  Per paragraph 33(a) of our parenting plan, I am requesting _____hit.  What a great day THAT will be!  It will be so much easier documenting non-compliance this way and alleviates me having to try and reason with him for all the reasons of common courtesy that he should just include me in the first place.  I know it is a great and necessary tool to have in restoring balance in the "Force".  Ha! Thank you!  Thank you!  :-)

[A Dad]

I also happen to be looking for this at the moment.

That is a fantastic list LnL, I am going to try and go through it slowly over the next days

ennie, could you share your parenting plan with me too please. I messaged you for it. Thanks.

[Thunderstruck]

My state has a somewhat decent parenting plan however there are huge gaps in it that high conflict people would take advantage of. We're going to have to detail EVERYTHING with uBPDbm to minimize arguments.

At some point I found this website: www.deltabravo.net/cms/

It has a lot of tools like sample parenting plans that you can borrow from.

[Free One]

There is a program you can purchase called Custody X Change. There also have a FREE preview that can give you some really good ideas.

[ennie]

I got a model parenting plan intended for use in "high conflict" parenting situations.  It was from a therapist.  With the qualification that this is not legal advice, and that was designed for use in the State of California, I would be happy to pass it along, if you message me and request it.  I do not want to post it because it would be obvious to BPD mom that it is our plan if she saw it. 

I have received so many requests for this plan that I really can't keep up!  I am so sorry, but I cannot send it to all of you who asked.  I will talk to moderators about posting it here; not sure if that would be okay. But I think the Skills pages list is really great.  Good luck, all!  I also recommend the articles on parallel parenting that are somewhere on this site... .

ennie