Waiting is not her virtue. Same for other BPDers?

[Cipher13]

My uBPDw has not patients when it comes to waiting for things. For people to call her back... it need sto be right away. She hada contest at her work where person who generated most $ in a month won and ipad. Over last weekend it was between her and another person. We went away for the weekend and she spent most of the time checking in to find out of she won. Then on tuesday they told her she won. Now she can't wait to actually get it and since they didn't tell her yet when she is up in arms.

We have gone to a few T apts. She still feels nothing is being accomplished becasue she still says she can't trust me. I am thinking this is all typical probably. Anyone else see this happen?  Also she has really been noticing how her father treats her mother. And has told me several times she can't understand why he is being like that. I bite my lip form telling her she is doing the exact same things to me. Its scary how much the same they really are not just with that but almost everythign in there life.

[maxsterling]

Yep - typical for what I experience.  I explain it like this:

pwBPD have a really difficult time living in the present moment.  They live in the past, or live in the future.  That's what DBT is supposed to do, bring the focus back to NOW and what is important NOW.  So, they sit and worry and obsess about futures that haven't happened yet, are a long way off, or are virtually impossible.  They can't just sit and enjoy the sunrise, birds chirping, or your company because they are only focused on what's next.  My GF pretty much admits to this.

As for your T appointments - yeah, I think ours kinda run in circles, too.  Why does your wife say she can't trust you?  Trust you over what?  My GF will say she doesn't trust that we will get married, have kids, all this future stuff.  The T reminds her that she is projecting.

And I totally get the lip biting!  Happens all the time with me.  My GF will go on in detail about how someone else hurt her, yet can't see (or maybe just blocks out) that she is doing the same to me or others.  For example - her best friend is painted black right now.  The other day she said "for what ever reason, I think (my friend) changes when she gets into a relationship."  And wouldn't you know, this is the exact same thing the friend had to say about my GF!

[an0ught]

We have gone to a few T apts. She still feels nothing is being accomplished becasue she still says she can't trust me. I am thinking this is all typical probably. Anyone else see this happen?  Also she has really been noticing how her father treats her mother. And has told me several times she can't understand why he is being like that. I bite my lip form telling her she is doing the exact same things to me. Its scary how much the same they really are not just with that but almost everythign in there life.

I think it is quite common that there is similar dysfunction in the family. There is dysfunctional behavior in lots of places even healthy ones. It can be triggering for a pwBPD to watch this happening as it is often invalidating and pwBPD have a sixth sense for invalidation. Such situations present also sometimes opportunities to slip in a bit of wisdom - validating the recognition of unhealthy behavior and looking for alternatives. As these are third parties the emotions involved are not as excited as if she would be directly involved. Still something can be learned. Pilots start out in simulators after all.

[Wrongturn1]

Yeeter: I definitely can relate to this one.  With my uBPDw, if someone does not IMMEDIATELY return her call/email/text message/FB message, then she imagines that the person is either mad at her or that they are inconsiderate and rude.  It can get exhausting listening to the paranoid and anxiety-ridden talk when she is waiting for a reply to some form of messaging.

As for the not trusting, I have accepted that my uBPDw will never trust me because she is not capable of trusting me or anyone else... . it's her problem, not mine, so when she tries to engage me about it, I don't engage.  She does have occasional moments when she realizes and admits that her lack of trust is out of line with reality, which I savor when they do happen.

[always possible]

same boat here as you two.  An undiagnosed BPD ex-gf was always concerned with the impossibility of a "good" future for us and preoccupied with constantly bringing up any past mistakes I had made, no matter how big or small.

She did tell me early on in the relationship that her defense mechanism was to always think the worst would happen, this way she could protect herself.  It seemed weird to me, but not so weird on it's own.  Of course, years down the road I see it in conjunction with so many other things that I now know what I didn't know then.

NO PATIENCE! I wasn't fast enough, good enough, energized enough, etc... . I got yelled at for taking a nap once and being asleep when she got home and I also got yelled at once because I forgot to throw away plastic baggie, even though I had cleaned the entire kitchen for her. 

[Cipher13]

So here is another question? What do you do (or have done) for you BPD that they can a should do for them selves but you di it to avoid arguments fights and name calling?

Just last night we got in a little late and I was getting in the shower and she says hurry up I'm hungry make me some cinamon toast. She had been in a nasty mood all day and I in a joking tone said: " I have heard that they no longer have a law that prevents you from making your own toast if you are hungry and can't wait."  Boom!  was an insenative jerk and that was uncalled for. 

I'm tired of doing everything. Cook, clean, gorccery shop, gas her car, iron her clothes, make her lunch, get this, or get that, on and on and on. She sometimes folds clothes. If she isn't hungry we don't eat. If she can't decide what to eat we don't eat. If I ask her to do it then it won't happen and I am mean.

[Ritchie53]

same boat here as you two.  An undiagnosed BPD ex-gf was always concerned with the impossibility of a "good" future for us and preoccupied with constantly bringing up any past mistakes I had made, no matter how big or small.

She did tell me early on in the relationship that her defense mechanism was to always think the worst would happen, this way she could protect herself.  It seemed weird to me, but not so weird on it's own.  Of course, years down the road I see it in conjunction with so many other things that I now know what I didn't know then.

NO PATIENCE! I wasn't fast enough, good enough, energized enough, etc... . I got yelled at for taking a nap once and being asleep when she got home and I also got yelled at once because I forgot to throw away plastic baggie, even though I had cleaned the entire kitchen for her. 

This rings true... .

One example of many was/is my pretty calm demeanor over things, not a huge amount flusters me, this is how my BPD saw it:-

During Idealisation - she saw me as calm, a rock and fortress because nothing flustered me.

During Devaluation - I had no go in me, I walked around like a stoner, I was 'slow'

During Discard - a useless excuse for a man, no one would ever want me, couldn't achieve anything due to my lazy attitude.

[Cipher13]

Oh 1 other thing that I have been noticing also. We have 2 dogs. She adores 2 fo the 3. 1 is her ultimate favorite. However the middle dog she will yell at and call it useless and anoying and a piece of crap and a loser and you name it she calls it. She isn't physically abusive but verbally that dog gets as much and sometimes more verbal tirades than I do. Its getting worse to. Should I be even more concerned than I already am?

[Wrongturn1]

Cipher:  I LOL'ed at your joke about the law against making your own toast... . that's good stuff right there, and I'm impressed you can maintain such a good sense of humor in light of the stuff you deal with every day. 

It sounds like you do lots of things for your wife that she is capable of doing for herself... . maybe way more things than are healthy for her or you.  In years past, I did a lot more for my wife than was healthy for either of us.  Eventually I started thinking from the perspective that if I do something for someone that they are capable of doing themselves, I'm actually doing the person a disservice.  This applies to my wife and our kids as well.  Just changing my mindset allowed me not to feel obligated to do an unreasonable amount of things for my wife, and she now does a lot more for herself and seems to take some pride in her new-found accomplishments.

[always possible]

ritchie 13

cipher 53

I've been called a "sorry excuse for a man" before.  no worries.  I've been crucified for cooking food and making the house smell like a restaurant (her self-harm behaviors are binging and purging; food is an enemy).

i've been told she is the best thing that ever happened to me and no one else will want me.

My best defense was, for as long as i could stand to do it, was let it go in one ear and out the other. 

That's because back then I thought that all i was dealing with was an extremely sensitive woman.

[Cipher13]

Just changing my mindset allowed me not to feel obligated to do an unreasonable amount of things for my wife, and she now does a lot more for herself and seems to take some pride in her new-found accomplishments

I have been trying to find ways to get her to do things or if she is just not willing to give an answer then do what I want. I don'tthink there will be a way to avoid the arguement that will happen after I ask her to do it herself. I wont be able to get her ti understand that its healthier if she can do things that she is cabable of. Much less keep her form telling me how horrible mean i am for saying... . "no".   

[Wrongturn1]

I don'tthink there will be a way to avoid the arguement that will happen after I ask her to do it herself. I wont be able to get her ti understand that its healthier if she can do things that she is cabable of. Much less keep her form telling me how horrible mean i am for saying... . "no".   

Sounds like you're faced with the dilemma of either 1) doing things for her that she herself is capable of, or 2) saying "no" to her requests and facing a high probability of verbal abuse/dysregulation. 

#1 is unhealthy for both of you, and #2 may be unpleasant yet healthier for both of you... . however, she has BPD and is likely to erupt into verbal abuse and dysregulation at any moment regardless, so if it were me, I would go with option #2 and implement boundaries if she started to get abusive.