Gearing up for war--big moves coming and getting anxious

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

DH has allowed DSD to live with her BPD mom for years, has fought to have counseling with her since 2012, but BPD mom has managed to have the support of an incompetent and sleazy GAL as well as DSD's individual therapist who has NOT UNDERSTANDING of high conflict situations.

DSD is 17.  The GAL and the individual therapist believe that DSD has been sexually abused by DH with NO OUTCRY from DSD--just tears from BPD mom.  We finally had a court appointed family therapist who is seeing the big mess that has been happening, but the GAL has been successfully blocking therapy with her as well with his games.  He had an unethical ex parte with the judge to pass the last scheduled hearing.  The GAL and BPD mom's lawyer are supposedly unavailable for another hearing until June.

Enough is enough.

For two years, DH has been abiding by the oral agreement to let DSD live with her mom, but BPD mom has violated the oral agreement right and left citing the decree.

SO we are now going to go by the decree, which states that DH has primary of DSD.  He is going to bring her back home, bring her into therapy and war is going to begin.  I bet the GAL and BPD mom's attorney suddenly have time for a hearing before June.

The family therapist feels that she is going to have to tell DSD about her mom's allegations against her dad.  She didn't want to because it is going to devastate DSD.  DSD truly does not understand how vicious her mom can be because her mom plays waif-victim so well to her kids.  But DSD knows she was not abused by DH.  I have no idea what to expect from DSD once she finds out that these vicious allegations have been fueling this legal mess for years.

BPD mom is going to flip out when we take DSD back.  DSD may be mad at us as well.  But we have to do something.  The judge declared this an emergency, but the GAL is truly trying to drag this out so the judge doesn't hear the damning evidence against BPD mom.  BPD mom was not fooling the judge at all in the last hearing, and the GAL is desperately trying to protect her.

Any advice on what we scan do to help DSD understand what all is going on?  She has been sheltered from our side, but her mom has lied to her right and left about what is going on.  This is going to be a hot mess.

[sanemom]

DH has allowed DSD to live with her BPD mom for years, has fought to have counseling with her since 2012, but BPD mom has managed to have the support of an incompetent and sleazy GAL as well as DSD's individual therapist who has NOT UNDERSTANDING of high conflict situations.

DSD is 17.  The GAL and the individual therapist believe that DSD has been sexually abused by DH with NO OUTCRY from DSD--just tears from BPD mom.  We finally had a court appointed family therapist who is seeing the big mess that has been happening, but the GAL has been successfully blocking therapy with her as well with his games.  He had an unethical ex parte with the judge to pass the last scheduled hearing.  The GAL and BPD mom's lawyer are supposedly unavailable for another hearing until June.

Enough is enough.

For two years, DH has been abiding by the oral agreement to let DSD live with her mom, but BPD mom has violated the oral agreement right and left citing the decree.

SO we are now going to go by the decree, which states that DH has primary of DSD.  He is going to bring her back home, bring her into therapy and war is going to begin.  I bet the GAL and BPD mom's attorney suddenly have time for a hearing before June.

The family therapist feels that she is going to have to tell DSD about her mom's allegations against her dad.  She didn't want to because it is going to devastate DSD.  DSD truly does not understand how vicious her mom can be because her mom plays waif-victim so well to her kids.  But DSD knows she was not abused by DH.  I have no idea what to expect from DSD once she finds out that these vicious allegations have been fueling this legal mess for years.

BPD mom is going to flip out when we take DSD back.  DSD may be mad at us as well.  But we have to do something.  The judge declared this an emergency, but the GAL is truly trying to drag this out so the judge doesn't hear the damning evidence against BPD mom.  BPD mom was not fooling the judge at all in the last hearing, and the GAL is desperately trying to protect her.

Any advice on what we scan do to help DSD understand what all is going on?  She has been sheltered from our side, but her mom has lied to her right and left about what is going on.  This is going to be a hot mess.

[marbleloser]

":)H has allowed DSD to live with her BPD mom for years"

This might be a problem. Have you spoken to your atty? If he goes to court,her atty is going to claim that he wasn't exercising his custody,as described in the decree. Honestly,it sets mom up for primary custody based on a material change in circumstances. And expect the GAL to back it up and say that she's been primary caregiver in spite of the court order.

This is why you always abide by the court order,no matter what. You don't become leniant once the decree is signed. You don't give extra time to the other. It will be used against you.

[ForeverDad]

Can you and the family therapist work with her to firm up her sense of self?  It's likely that once under her mother's influence she will revert back to accepting whatever her mother demands/insists/manipulates.  By this age she should have developed a sense of stability of trusting her observations and judgments, but likely her mother sabotaged the development of that aspect of her life.

[DreamGirl]

What a mess indeed.

This allegation of sexual abuse is new.  :'(

What's that about?

[sanemom]

What a mess indeed.

This allegation of sexual abuse is new.  :'(

What's that about?

Apparently, it is not new.  It is the basis that the GAL and DSD"s therapist have been doing everything crooked in their power to block the reunification therapy between DH and DSD--they think he is a dangerous perpetrator.

We had heard that crazy story before because some of BM's family and friends had told us she was spreading that rumor to justify why she had to take DSD out of DH's home and separate her from her siblings (they knew not to believe it).  We just didn't think a GAL would believe the crazy story without evidence (the GAL IS a lawyer, after all).  Apparently he did.  And so did DSD's therapist.

So here we are--over 3 years later fighting a stupid lie that people just believed without using any critical thinking skills whatsoever.  I mean, if he abused her when she was in preschool, why on earth would BPD mom leave her with him as primary caregiver for 9 years?  And if he abused her when she was older, how come she doesn't  remember it?  Somehow, she got that to make sense to the GAL.