My uBPDw is more emotionally intimate with our dogs than with me

[ATLandon]

My uBPDw and I have 3 small terriers that we both love and spend a lot of our free time with. Our dogs even sleep in the bed with us at night, which isn't an issue for me. They sleep well and don't make a mess. I've realized over the years though that each time we get a new dog my wife's attention becomes almost completely fixated on the new dog. She is so sweet, tender-hearted, and unabashedly loving with our 2 male dogs. In fact, she falls asleep holding the youngest one every night. She talks to them throughout the day, asks the dogs how they feel emotionally, and showers them with hugs and kisses. However, I have to beg her to get a half-assed kiss when I come home most days. She rarely wants to hold hands or give hugs. Forget about her snuggling with me in bed anymore. That hasn't happened in years.

All of the above mentioned isn't anything new in our relationship. I just think its weird. If she devoted half as much emotional energy she puts into her relationship with our dogs instead into our relationship, I can't imagine how happier and balanced it might be. But, as I said, I'm realistic and resigned to her behavior.

However, last night took it to a whole new level. My wife had gynecological surgery in December and we have not had sex since then due to her needing to heal. She has been pressing me to have sex with her (and shaming me when I didn't) since week 2 of her post-surgical recovery! Anyways, I finally decided last night we're in the clear and initiated sex with her. So when I moved to her side of the bed to kiss and put my arms around her, I started push the dog away from her and she got really defensive about me moving him. She said, and I quote, "We can do this without having to move him! I want to keep holding him." And that's exactly what happened. She seriously had one arm around the dog and petted him while we had sex. It was almost as if he was a security blanket for her. I just... . I don't even know anymore.

All I can say is I'm glad that I'm working toward going back to school and looking forward to divorcing her when I'm finished in a couple years. I'm so tired of being treated like a second class citizen in my own home and marriage.

[tired-of-it-all]

Why do you have to wait a couple of years to leave?  If you know that you want out then get out now.  Life is short.  I have wasted decades on a marriage that will never be what it should. 

Bdp's do strange things.  Many, like my wife, are sexually addicted.  The dog story is a new one on me but not outside the realm of what a BPD will do.  My wife was (and may still be) addicted to porn and has a lock-box full of sex toys.  She watched porn all the time and tried to hide it from everyone.  My teenage girls caught her and confronted her.  She told them that she watched porn because I was mean to her.  I went on the computer once to check the temp-internet files and see what she was watching.  She then accused me of watching porn.  She was indignant.  When I explained that I was seeing what she had been doing, she got mousy and turned away.  She has yet to acknowledge that I caught her with porn.

[ATLandon]

Why do you have to wait a couple of years to leave?  If you know that you want out then get out now.  Life is short.  I have wasted decades on a marriage that will never be what it should.

I understand what you mean about life being short but I simply do not have the financial, emotional, or social support that I need in order to leave/divorce right now. That's a huge reason why I'm going back to school for nursing, so I can have a steady, good paying job to pay for a surely dreadful divorce. I'd like to leave more than anything right now but it truly isn't good timing in my life. At least my uBPDwife is medicated for now.

[GopherAgent]

ATLandon... .

I understand your need to kinda' have your ducks in a row to move forward on leaving, etc.

I've have just worked (working ?) through the same kind of situation (that is... . deciding how to shape my future in relation to me and my health and the reality that she may never change).

I've been under-employed for several years now and have struggled to find a good paying job. Tons of web searches and e-mails and online apps, etc. with few bites. And when I did get an interview, it was against 30+ like minded candidates. Yet, my wife continued to complain to me that I didn't do enough to look for jobs and then complained that I didn't make enough money either. Go figure!

Then, through a sheer series of accidental occurrences I landed a job that paid me slightly more than my last "real" job but in a slightly different location than I would have considered several months ago.

What was her response to this fortunate blessing? "No... . I won't go because I don't like the town."

Any way... . My encouragement to you is to continue to focus in on doing something for yourself to plan for that future. It may not happen today... . but you've got that goal and desire to change tomorrow despite today's limitations.

I held on to changing my tomorrow and it paid off. Yes... . There were many disappointments and oppositions for the SO. But, I knew that I could never give up on myself.

Now that I have this job, I know there are many new struggles that the relocation brings and many new tests. But I continue to know that the SO will not be supportive of anything I do because of how it affects her world. While I am concerned that she be healthy and well, I realized that sacrificing my health and income is only detrimental to both of us.

Stay focused... . Plan... . Dream... . Look forward to the future.

It can and does happen.

Thanks... . GopherAgent

[DB33]

I had some of the same issues with my exGF showering all her love and affection onto our dogs. It was so over the top it sometimes made me uncomfortable.

I started a thread on another board on this topic last week. You can see what a few others had to say about it.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=222690.0