Intense anger and disrespect..HELP

[grandmabear]

We are having one of those mornings! My 14 yr dd woke up as angry as a bear. I just called her name to  ask if she wanted breakfast and she nearly bites my head off yelling! She is refusing to go to church and yelling I cant make her do anything she doesn't want to. She sits in her room on her laptop for hours a day.

I explained that she was being disrespectful and if she wants to talk to me about why she is so angry I am here for her, of course only to be yelled at again

I then told her if she doesn't go to church when everyone is ready, I was going to take her laptop for the rest of the day, which she proceeded to call me names.

Any suggestions on how to handle?

I am a wreck when she is like this and now her 5 yr old sister is starting to believe it is ok not to follow any directions and tell me no

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mama72]

We have ran into the not getting up for church issue many times. We gave up on that power struggle recently. We tell my BPDdd17 what time we are going to church, if she is not up, we just go. I do worry about my dd7 thinking that she can pull this when she is a teen, but I guess we will cross that bridge if we come to it. I do talk to dd7 an tell her that big sis is making bad decisions.

One of my friends had a similar problem with their teen. They would go out for breakfast or do something fun as a family after church. This made their teen feel like they we missing out on family time and changed his mind about attending church. We have not tried this, usually we are too worried about dd to leave her at home by herself for too long.

She is correct that you cannot force her to go to church, but you do not have to make the time she is at home comfortable!

Take the laptop, set time limits for use. There is nothing but junk online that kids are looking at. OR change your wifi password. Say, "Sure you can keep your laptop, but we are not providing you the internet service." Computer time is a privilege and not a right. Food, clothes, medical care and an education is all that parents are required to provide for kids.

I am sorry you are having to go through this. I know it is very hard to deal with this situation, esp right before church when you want to be so joyful in worshiping.  At your church service, ask God to guide you through this difficult time and pray for dd14. He will help you and your dd.

[grandmabear]

Lol, unfortunately I turn off the wifi and she is still online ... . she is a computer 'genius' and has learned how to hack into neighbors wifi!

When I went into her room to take her laptop for not meeting the boundary (if you are not ready to go, I am taking the laptop for the day) she had a meltdown and said I am not touching her computer. Then got up and walked to church and said there is no reason to take. Unfortunately, I will be suffering a lot of abuse today because I am still taking it for not following the earlier directions of being ready to go.

Am I being too harsh?

[mama72]

I don't think you are being harsh. If she crossed your boundaries, and knows what the consequences were going to be, you are just standing your ground. If you are not consistent with boundaries, she will take advantage of that and will continue to push. What good are boundaries if they are continued to be crossed with no repercussions? Believe me, I am not perfect when it come to carrying though with our boundaries, dd is very persuasive and manipulative, but we are working really hard at it!

As far as her being a compute genius, if she does not have the computer she cannot hack into other's wifi! I have fantasies of taking my daughter's laptop and smart phone and throwing the down on the driveway, watching them bust apart! Of course, I have not done that, but we do have strict rules about internet use (that she continually violates). It is almost like an addiction for my dd.

Is there an activity that you guys could do together today? I know sometimes that spending with with our BPD's is the last thing we want to do when they are acting out, but maybe that is an option? Movie? Taking items to Goodwill? Plant flowers? Make cookies?

[grandmabear]

Lol, today is one of her hate me days! Fortunately, we have a neighborhood birthday party to go to and she is friends with the little boys older sisters! Hoping she gets her aggressions out jumping on the trampoline! (that and swinging on a swing seems to soothe her a bit).

She did walk down to church for Sunday school, but hid her laptop!

I believe that during a 'good' time, I am going to explain that her excessive computer use is not healthy, and I am putting a 2 hr daily limit on its use. Think its best to approach when she is not already in a combative mood.

Thank you for the feedback, it really is helpful   

[mama72]

Good luck, grandmabear. It sounds like you have a good game plan.

Have fun at the party, maybe you should get on that trampoline too?

Keep us posted on the situation.