Need Support

[Someday . . .]

My dd26 has been more emotionally stable for the past few months for the first time in years, she's been cutting less. . . .and she's increasing the alcohol and pot intake (makes sense doesn't it?).  She has had extensive DBT treatments and refuses to use the skills or see a DBT therapist.  I am in charge of her money (SSI) and am giving her $125.00 a week  on her credit card (no cash due to past history of drug abuse) each week and she is to spend it on clothing, shampoo, shoes, movies,  hair dyes, etc. . . instead she has been spending it all  buying games for her phone.  I let her spend it on gaming and therefore learn a lesson that she then had NO money for anything else.  We talked about it in December and it seemed that she really learned because she was in a real pickle with no money for over a month to do ANYTHING.  Well, that didn't last long, she started gaming again in Jan, Feb. and March.  So just this last week I thought she is not learning anything and I will not enable this.  I know that her money (or she thinking that I'm such a controlling person with her money) is a huge trigger for her.  I worded my concern very carefully and still there was a huge explosion from her.   The gaming is a minor issue to what I'm gearing up to discussing with her.  I need to address the alcohol and pot (she is smoking pot at her friends she does not have the money to purchase any).  She is unable to live away from home (has tried five times and within two months there is a suicide attempt or breakdown) and we all need to get along together here at home.  The logical thing to do is to control her money to the point where I know where every penny goes. . .unfortunately we did do that in the past for a period of a year and that year was the MOST HORRIFIC time for all of us.  Does anyone has any thoughts, opinions, suggestions? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

someday... . I really don't know what to thnk of her gaming addiction... . I just wanted to tell you how sorry you dd is struggling so. So you think she is self medicating with pot and it has helped with her cutting? I don't think I would be totally against this since it is now legal in some states to smoke but the drinking is getting out of hand?

Can I just ask what her typical day looks like? Does she have a job? One thing I notice with my dd16 is that free time is the worse time... . she needs things to do... . she needs structure. Have you thought about having your dd volunteer some where... . food bank... . animal shelter? Maybe she has too much free time?

Hang in there

[Someday . . .]

jellibeans, I absolutely agree that she has wayyyyy too much free time.  She has tried to volunteer and is not able to (she is sick frequently, has a sleeping disorder -  even with meds she is unable to fall asleep before 3:00pm and therefore wakes up around 3:00pm).  She is physically a very weak person and has little stamina.  I was able to find a place for her to volunteer with horses, and unfortunately she is just unable to.  She has been unable to follow through with anything.   

Yes, the drinking is becoming to get out of hand.  Pot bothers me because when you have a history of substance abuse pot and alcohol are big no-no's.  Also she is now addicted to cigarettes (I know -not that bad . .yet I am giving her the money . . therefore I feel that I enabled for her to become addicted).  She was knitting hats for infants in the crisis nursery for a while (!)   At least that was something!   Now she is starting a garden here. . so far, so good!  In general though, she's unable to commit to anything outside of the house.

[peaceplease]

Someday,

She is not able to withdraw any cash with her credit card?  Is it a store gift card?  Or, a bank card that she does not have access to the pin?  

Addicts are quite crafty and creative with how to get money.  And, gift cards can be sold for cheaper than the amount they are worth.  The addict then gets actual cash to buy their drugs.  

My dd is always smoking pot, too.  She claims that she never buys it.  I am suspicious, though.   In the past, she has sold her food stamps to buy drugs.  and, she seems to run out these days.  However, the amount has been cut.  She claimed that she ran out before because she did not have a car, and had to go to local convenience store.

I am sorry, but I forget, how old is your dd?  :)oes she pay for her room and board out her SSI?  Car insurance?  

I would not want to be in the positon of being a payee for my dd.    I would lose my mind!   Does she have a case worker that you can assign the task to?   My dd was involved in a program that had life skills classes and money management was one of them.  I would ask her case worker to help with that.  If she does not have a case worker, than I would highly recommend getting one.

[lindaura3]

Just want to say, that your dd's physical symptoms have a lot in common with Lyme disease, which my dd suffers from.  Her insomnia and physical fragility (gets very ill at the drop of a hat or a germ) is pretty much a slap in the face when it comes to wanting to do most anything - from having a job to going back to school.

It is very sad. Lyme disease might also have contributed to the BPD (Lyme is known to have a Mental Health impact, but I can't blame it for certain for my daughter's BPD).

Somehow, you need to get your dd interested in  something else.

I spend a lot of time with my dd and finally got her to watch DVDs with me, but I wish I could get her back to doing something useful as she was so brilliant and talented when she was growing up. 

I have to say, that using the tools I only just learned from this site, has finally turned the corner as far her medication is concerned. 

She is now finally taking her anti-psychotic (Mood stabilising) medication, which she has been refusing for the past three years.  It is amazing that it actually works.  I was able to convince her, using the LEAP method, that since all else had failed to protect her from torment, she had nothing to lose by trying the meds. So she actually tried them!

Amazingly they are working and we have had 3 weeks with no crisis, the longest period in years.

I know it is just early days, but I do recommend taking the appropriate meds - and not alcohol (although that is a big danger with my DD) and not recreational.

Good luck,

Lindaura

[qcarolr]

Someday... .

Wish I had a magic wand -- I would sprinkle magic dust on your DD26 and my DD27. Your frustration and pain are so real for me. I have been trying to resign from the position of 'case manager' with my DD for years. She basically refuses to work with the programs out there -- or they refuse to work with her due to lack of cooperation.  The system is broken, and I don't have many ideas about how to fix it.

If there is a way for an agency with case management to take over the SSI payee functions? This might take one area of contention out of the battle. Our county social services has services for adults that includes this payee function. The biggest issue is the fact that your DD is an adult and can refuse these services in most cases.

It is hard that the tries at living independently did not work out. What kind of supports were in place for her at that time? Was this when she was involved with the DBT treatment?

Lots of questions - -

qcr

[theplotthickens]

One idea: could your reduce the spending $ if she is not using it appropriately?  Set some spending goals and reward her with more $ if she meets them?   You are a super hero for doing this for your daughter!