One step forward, two steps back

[chillamom]

Hi, all, despite everything you're contending with, hope you had a chance to get outside and enjoy some spring weather today…seems like the threat of imminent snow is FINALLY over here in the Northeast.  Anyway, I've been doing pretty well for the last week or so…holding my own, keeping good LC, feeling stronger after talking with friends and my T, and now…emotional wreck and back to square freakin one.  I was puttering around this afternoon getting ready to take my kids to a movie, and the BPDexBF shows up at the door sobbing.  I SHOULDN'T have let him in, but being a marshmallow, I did.  He was on his way somewhere and stopped to get something he left here.  In all fairness to him, he DID text and say he was coming over (HE KNOWS I HAVE BEGGED HIM NOT TO!) but I had the phone turned off and didn't  see the text.  It was a relatively quick "visit", but long enough for him to basically force himself into my arms, try to kiss me, cry all over me and get me crying too, and get me so upset I was basically vomiting in the bathroom after he left.  Now he is nonstop texting again, taking about how he will either marry me, be my "best friend" or have "friends with benefits" WHEN I FEEL BETTER.  I have of course told him never to pull a stunt like that again…if he shows up I will call the police.  The truly awful thing for me is honestly, if my kids hadn't been here, I think I would have succumbed to his dubious charms, which I apparently can't resist as well as I thought I could.  So, I'm kind of disgusted with myself, pissed as HELL at him, and scared that he'll show up later or tomorrow…... his text messages indicate he has NO sense whatsoever about the b/u…... it's like, a cheery "let's have lunch tomorrow!"  or "I can't wait to be in your arms again!"  Anyway, just wanted to vent a bit…... I guess I have to re-draw boundaries again, although being "Mean" is something I  just can't seem to do, because seeing him just falling apart makes me so sad and guilty.  Sigh.  If anyone invents a magic wand to transport folks safely to another dimension, please let me know!  He can go or I can - either way!  Thanks for listening.

[GreenMango]

No magic wands.

It's going to take some willful detachment and grieving the relationship.  Being pissed at yourself and having let him in aside you mentioned trying some new boundaries.  It's a good idea and learning experience.   The boundaries on both sides are a little mixed up and it's going to help to shore yours up since you can't control him.

If you look at the detaching steps on the right which one do you think you are at now?  Do you think you've had a chance to grieve this relationship?