I have a dream...

[jellibeans]

I have a dream... .I think I have been fooling myself. I have tried to be hopeful for my daughter and I wonder if that hopefulness has blinded me. The last couple of weeks my dd16 has been struggling and I have seen the BPD big time and a return to the raging... .the lying and false accusations. The failing grades, the sneaking out at night through her bedroom window, smoking and probably drinking. Things have not been prefect with my dd16 but I thought she was making improvements... .I saw the glimmer of improvements... .how she can appear to be so normal and I fell for it... .because is that what I want to see? Was I blinded?

Today I had to get her from school because she is sick... .we are at that point in the cycle... .sick leads to skipping school leads to running away leads to lying and sneaking out leads to overdosing etc... .she just cycles through these different coping skills... .this is how she behaves when she is stressed and she is stressed. So today was extra special... .Mondays are my day to recover from the weekend and I had a lot to recover from. She spent the whole afternoon coming to me to fight about one thing or another. AT one point she came in and saw I was looking at a website about BPD and she asked me if I thought she was BPD... .it was an interesting conversation... .I told her that I really didn't know and that she was young so it was hard to tell. We are getting a new P this week so I encouraged her to talk with him about it because I am not a doctor. This was the only positive conversation I had with her all day.

This past weekend was not good... .on Friday my dd wanted to have a sleepover and since Friday was the day to be ungrounded for smoking. When I checked her grades because they were due that day she was failing half her classes so I told her she would not be having a sleepover and was still grounded... .I had errands to run Friday but when I returned home who was here... .my daring dd... .to sick to stay at school. I took her to the doctors and that is how we spent the rest of the day. Her friend comes over last Friday night and seems to be in a panic to see her... .she rushes up the stairs to her room and I get the feeling she might have told her friend she was going to hurt herself but the friend just pretends she is here to say hello.

Saturday my husband notices my dd has cut the screen on her window and has snuck out some time Friday night. We tell her we are going to install a bar like in the past which will prevent her from doing this. We also now have our alarm on the house so we are alerted to when a door is opened. DD soes not like this and even though we were not angry she became very upset and barackaded herself in her room... .we left her alone but about two hours later I went to check on her and she was gone ... .yes run away. I then start calling and texting trying to find her. She only really has one friend so I know where she is going. Finally the mother calls me to tell me dd is at her home but dd is afraid to come home because of the abuse... .how we are abusing her and how terrible we are to her. I thne take the time to explain my dd problems and we go and pick her up. In the car is is not happy. We say nothing but I think she thinks we are taking her to juvie and she starts once again accusing us of abuse. This is where it hit me! I have been fooling myself.

So I feel I am at a fork in the road... .after my dd got out of RTC last May... .we decided to see how things would go and if she could handle school etc... .she did make improvements... .got her drivers license... .seemed to start the year okay but as the year progressed she got more and more stressed and we are now at the point where I am not sure she will make it or not. I know summer will come and she will be happier out of school but will she be able to get through another year? Is our window to really help her closing? She will turn 17 this summer and I feel unsure of what to do.

Should I send her to a new RTC... .it will be costly ad we will probably have to sell our house to make things work.

Should I just give her more time... .she is always going to be broken and she just needs to learn from her mistakes?

Maybe when she is away from us she will behave differently? We are her trigger... .we are the ones holding her back... .she wants her freedom.

My plan going forward is to talk with her new P this week and sit down with her T... .I am not sure her T is really helping her... .I hate to say that but I wonder if she really know the real girl that I know... .I think my dd is really good at fooling those around her... .including me!

Any feedback is welcomed... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[trainwreck4]

Hi jellibeans, this sounds like a bad time for your family. I too see my daughter change into a seemingly normal teen and think to myself, yay!  But eventually I am deflated. She is now 17 and to be honest, it seems to be slowing down. The bad times I mean. I was reading through what your daughter has been up to in this post, and while none of it is good, is it regular teen stuff?  I had a friend ask me that question once and it gave me pause for thought. I am not there in your shoes, and there are so many things with these kids that can be so scary, I understand why you are worried. Sixteen for our family was the worst. Now she seems to be maturing slowly. This year we have had two "incidents". Last year by this time I thought I was going to lose my mind.  Don't lose hope. Our girls seem to have many parallel behaviors. And this time last year she was trying to move out because of our "abuse". She even had people helping to get her legal advice to be emancipated. This year I am wondering if she will ever want to move out and become independent. Your post really took me back in time... .  I am thinking of you!  Hugs!

[jeb]

I just want to say that you have been so helpful and welcoming to me that I am sorry to read your latest post.  I feel like I should not be complaining about my dd because she has successfully completed third year of university & does manage to hold down part-time jobs and does not do drugs but does sometimes drink to excess and become outrageously flirtatious.  She also can treat other people with respect such as her friends and co-workers and her relatively new step-brother.  So I guess my main issue is that my ex and I have enabled her atrocious behaviour and so we get the brunt of it.  Her actual brother can only take her in small doses and very infrequently.  I know there is no logic but how can people wBPD treat so many people wonderfully well and then dump all over the people who raised them.  I wish I had advice for you because you have given my some great websites to go to but maybe in the bigger picture this is step backwards but hopefully sooner rather than later there will be 2 steps forward for you. I guess I have to start looking at the bigger picture too but it is extremely difficult when you are in the moment.

[Stella1425]

jellibeans, I of course don't know any answers but sometimes wonder if we hadn't been strict, would we have been better off. My D is now 30, divorced (a good thing) and has a 6 year old. When she was a teen she rebelled big time every time we disciplined her. Days after turning 18 (still in high school) she got way more heavily into drugs and even lived in a drug suppliers house for 2weeks. (My saving grace was my best friends daughter telling her if D showed up in school and what she looked like. My friend came over every day to take me for a long walk. Thank God for her.) He supplied drugs to all the drug dealers in the area. We spent that time trying to get her out ( my husband at the drug house with police on speed dial). It was the biggest horror of our lives. Her older brother was in Scotland at the time for a college semester. He was spared the worst of the worst. My point is I would try to find out how much discipline we really should be trying to use with pwBPD. Our daughter came to some sessions at a drug counselor with us during that time. When she didn't show up for appointment the counselor told us to drag her across the finish line (graduation) kicking and screaming. She made it and even started college but never made it because of drugs. I'm still in my own personal horror show but not like those days. My advice, find out what kind if discipline should be used. I think they rebel worse when we try to give them strict rules. Just a thought. Good luck.

[Pizzas123]

jellibeans,

I think we all do it... .when there are periods of normalcy, we hope things are taking a permanate turn for the better - then it's back to square one again.   For me it's like always being off-balance... .you right yourself and then lose your equilibrium again.  I am WAY too familiar with that stomach turning feeling when things go bad, once again.  I guess as parents we never lose hope.  Even many teenagers without BPD are a handful, so this makes it just that much worse.  Hang in there, chances are from what I've read here your daughter has a good chance of improving as she moves out of the teen years.  So sorry you are going through such a hard time.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[jellibeans]

Thanks for the replies... .

Jeb... .you are truly lucky your daughter is able to preform at the level she is at... .I keep lowering the bar for my dd16 and she can't seem to function... .she had a job for a month then was fired. I do think she took that pretty hard and maybe it was the start of her decline.

Trainwreck... I was psoitive about my dd's improvements and if I look back to last year at this time she was in RTC... .before that she had run away 6 times and overdosed 7... .she has made progress but at the same time I am concerned we are missing our window to help her.

Stella... .I actually don't think we are very strict... .we have backed off many things that use to trigger fights and things have been better. There was a time before we knew about BPD that we tried the tough love... .the behaviorial contracts etc... .those really didn't work. We got our dd a new car for xmas because she was able to pass and get pretty good grades... .it was well understood that to keep use of the car she was to keep her grades up and be passing everything. By the end of last week she was failing three classes and this was a result of her not doing the work. She just stopped doing homework and stopped handing in assignments. I do think there has to be a consequence but maybe it really should have been that she just fails some of her classes this year. I just know if she has to go to summer school she will not make it. She needs the summer to recover from school. It is not a place she likes and she finds it very stressful. Full of anxiety and scared most of the time. I have removed her from her SAT class and told her she doesn't have to do the retake in May... .I hope this will relieve some of the additional stress on her and maybe help her get through the year.

I hope my dd can keep improving but I also feel like maybe we are not doing enough for her. Thanks to all that replied... .gives me a new prespective to think about.

[jellibeans]

thank you pizza... .I just saw your post... .thanks for the kind words. I really hope you are right and my dd starts going forward again.

[Rapt Reader]

jellibeans, I'm so sorry that things seem so bleak for you lately... .I can so identify with the dashed hopes when our BPD child seems to declining (or reverting to past bad behaviors) after doing so well for a while. I've been there so many times in the past, that my heart is aching for you... .

There were so many ups and downs with my son for 20 years (and really more; prior to him being 16 we were dealing with the bullying in school--from teachers and students and bus drivers alike, due to his undiagnosed ADD since there was "no such thing" in the 1980s and early '90s when he was in elementary, middle and high school). From 16 to 36 he was also dealing with undiagnosed BPD as a result of the preceding years of torment for him in school, and we dealt with many car accidents, brushes with bullies and other troubles too numerous to mention. Drugs also became part of his coping mechanism to fill up the empty spaces in his brain that caused him pain and anxiety.

When he was diagnosed with the BPD at 36, and he realized what had caused his troubles all his life, he made the adult decision to understand all he could about it and to get the help he needed for recovery. An adult decision; at 16 he would never have been able to do that even if he had been that age when the diagnosis would've been available to him--had it been 2013 or 2014 instead of 1993. It takes time for our kids to grow up enough to be able to accept the help and love we are offering to them... .We just need to keep doing all of that so when our child is mature enough to understand that what we are offering is in their best interests, our hands and hearts are still open to them, and they can grab on to our love when they are ready.

I know it's easier for me to tell you to hang in there--that I know that things will get better for you and your daughter--than it is to have to do it. I faltered many times over the years with my own son, who now at 37 is doing so well and is so happy, that it does make up for the trauma I'd gone through for so long in the past. You and your daughter are really ahead of the game, jellibeans: you know at her age of 16, what it took me till my son was 36 to find out. You are ahead, and if you don't slide back, she will catch up to you and have a better life. You just need to have the clear, adult mind that she just does not possess right now... .You can do it, jellibeans. I have faith in you 

[jellibeans]

Thanks Rapt... .I am giving a lot of thought to what you have said... .I hope the meeting with her new P on Thursday give us some direction. I feel some what lost and I am not sure what direction I should go in.

[llbee814]

Okay, so the big piece that I am seeing here is that dd's school is a huge problem for her.  Does she have an iep in place?  My daughter did and that was what allowed us to use alternatives at all the different "the other shoe dropping" moments that surfaced.  Dd18 graduated and is currently attending a community college, despite all the bumps in the road.  Are things perfect?  No.  Are they better?  Yes, with the expectation that it can all go south at any moment.  That's what I have accepted life with dd to be.  We can only do the best we can for them and the rest is up to them.  We can try to put the best choices in front of them, but ultimately it's their choice.  Can you find another way for her to graduate that will work better for her?  Maybe it's not so much she is failing classes, maybe the school is failing her.  Just a thought having gone through similar with my daughter.   It's not so much lowering the bar as finding a different path for her.  Blessings, lorilb

[jellibeans]

She is on a 504 and I did have a meeting to discuss an IEP but was told having on an iep was not going to help her. I wasn't happy with the meeting but was told it was better for her to stay on a 504 was better for her future.

This is my daughters 3rd school and she wants to change again next year. I have to start facing the fact that it is my dd that is the problem and no new school is going to be the answer. We are looking at a charter school where you only go half a day. We will see if that is a better fit for her but history tells me she will have problems there too

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

One thing I have learned is that there is no way to understand all the emotions of someone with BPD.

When triggered, they experience extreme stress, anger, confusion, paranoia, irrational fear, and a breakdown of control and logic. However, many of these symptoms are present to a lesser degree even when there is no trigger.

We know how pwBPD affect us, but I am not sure we will ever understand how terrifying this disorder must be for them.  The waxing and waning of symptoms is part of the illness.

We need to strive to be prepared for sudden changes in behavior, so they do not catch us off guard.  Be aware these episodes WILL happen, we just do not know when.  I guess BPD might be likened to a seizure disorder in many ways.

I hope that makes sense.

[jellibeans]

Yes that does make sense. I think you are right and because she has made improvements over the last year I allowed myself to drop my guard. I was very shocked when she ran away. There really wasn't any big fight so I was not prepared to find her gone.

When you talk about people having emotional memory I do believe I was experiencing distress and was transported to a time that was not good.

I still wonder if she needs more help than we are giving but is the timing right? Is she ready to do the work?

[theplotthickens]

Hi jellibeans!

I think we all need to let go of the illusion that something, someone, or some environment will fix our kids.  It is sad, but freeing at the same time.  No, I absolutely would NOT sell your house or put yourself in financial straights to pay for an RTC!  The research of RTC's is pretty questionable, and certainly doesn't justify the costs involved, unless you can afford it.   If your dd is ready to do the work, she can do the work right there in the home setting with the help of a t.  You have everything you need to thrive right where you are: wisdom, skills, empathy, strength.  Hang in there!

[MammaMia]

theplotthickens

I agree with jellibeans.  Do not jeopardize your future.  If your daughter should fail at RTC, just think of the repercussions it would cause.

Please put your needs in a proper perspective.

[jellibeans]

We went to see her new P on Thursday. My dd liked him and so did I. I liked him because is was a pretty straight talker and seemed to have my dd's number right from the beginning. We started the appointment together but when he asked me to start talking about my dd I said I would rather do that in private and my dd agreed. So she went first and I was surprised she talked for as long as she did. She didn't have a good relationship with her old P and in fact she disliked him. After about 25 minutes or so I was called in and my dd left to go home. I then sat down and he asked me a few questions but from the beginning I got the impression he really already knew what he was dealing with. He said to me she was a train wreck and that was kind of surprising because she presents herself so well.

Long story short he told me he didn't have any magic pill for her. He thought he could increase her lamictal but he is waiting on that until we meet again. He basically told me it was a waiting game to see if her frontal lobe can mature and in the meantime we need need to try to keep her safe. I asked about RTC and he did not think that was necessary right now because she has been improving and mostly on that path so we put that to bed. I just wanted to make sure I was doing all I could for my dd. I don't want to look back years from now saying we should have sent her.

My dd seems back to her self and has been pretty easy. The raging has gone and the anger too. My older daughter comes home from college today and we are preparing for Easter. Seems like just a bad dream and we are back on track again. She is helping me clean the house and does what ever I ask of her without resistances.

I hope everyone has a good Easter... .thank you for your input... .much appreciated... .  

[theplotthickens]

Well, today is a new day!  What a gift to find a new P that is a good fit for BOTH of you.  This is going to be the beginning of good things.

I also think you have to continue to think of your own needs, emotions, and welfare.  Self-care is good modeling for your dd as well, right?

With my dd's ODD, I could only DREAM of her helping me clean the house.  You go!  Enjoy this moment, and let tomorrow take care of itself.

[jellibeans]

thanks theplotthickens... .you are right today is a new day... .we are coming out of this set back pretty good. I have a bad cold but I am still in a pretty good mood going forward... .I have hope again... .thanks again