How do you know when it's over with a BPD?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Going through my second major split with my ex BPD girlfriend. 10 Days in now.

She split me and cut off all contact and tried to initially get on the dating scene in her home time the very same day we split up. After 4 years of being together. That didn't work out so now she has been talking to an american army guy online despite the obvious -7/8 hour difference.

She has since split me back to a good guy and is talking to me. Although I think I am just her backup boyfriend as she probably knows deep down the r/s she is trying to have with this emotional immature guy thousands of miles away isn't going to work.

She said we were never going to reconcile, never gave me a reason of her behaviour in the run up to the split and never gave an explanation of her behaviour after the split. She also said only a few days ago that she never wanted to speak to me again.

Now we are actively engaging in talk together but she is still continuing to flirt and carry on with this guy online. I'm pretty sure they are exchanging revealing pictures already. But she denies that she likes him at all. She disrepects him by saying hes ugly, and gives me the impression he's a boy by saying stuff like "you think i would fly over there for him, he just likes tanks and snakes and blowing stuff up".

She is trying to throw me. But why?

Despite her talking to this guy last night and showing pics probably, she has just texted me at 6:35 in the morning... . driving me nuts.

She is clearly doing her tricks on him, predating him so she can fuel her story in her head and feel wanted again.

I have shown her that I loved her last week before she split me. Now I take a more lacksed attitude to her she is communicating with me.

Is she lieing because she thinks I will abandon her if I knew what was going on? She has been lieing to me constantly, even about the other guy who rejected her.

How do I know it is truly over in regard to reestablishing our relationship, getting us both some counselling/therapy and continueing our life.

I don't want to give up on that but I don't want to be her prisoner while she lies to me and takes it all the way with some clueless idiot who can't see her obvious signs of disorder.

She's texting me now for sympathy about how she is losing it and needs anti psychotic drugs. She tells me that she wasn't up late last night talking to this guy, she was just in and out of sleep due to anxiety. I know this is bull___.

I told her I can get a therapist on the phone right now if needed and that I can help her.

She has gone through 3 to 5 diazepam a day she told me.

So aggravating.

[blueman54321]

Going through my second major split with my ex BPD girlfriend. 10 Days in now.

She split me and cut off all contact and tried to initially get on the dating scene in her home time the very same day we split up. After 4 years of being together. That didn't work out so now she has been talking to an american army guy online despite the obvious -7/8 hour difference.

She has since split me back to a good guy and is talking to me. Although I think I am just her backup boyfriend as she probably knows deep down the r/s she is trying to have with this emotional immature guy thousands of miles away isn't going to work.

She said we were never going to reconcile, never gave me a reason of her behaviour in the run up to the split and never gave an explanation of her behaviour after the split. She also said only a few days ago that she never wanted to speak to me again.

Now we are actively engaging in talk together but she is still continuing to flirt and carry on with this guy online. I'm pretty sure they are exchanging revealing pictures already. But she denies that she likes him at all. She disrepects him by saying hes ugly, and gives me the impression he's a boy by saying stuff like "you think i would fly over there for him, he just likes tanks and snakes and blowing stuff up".

She is trying to throw me. But why?

Despite her talking to this guy last night and showing pics probably, she has just texted me at 6:35 in the morning... . driving me nuts.

She is clearly doing her tricks on him, predating him so she can fuel her story in her head and feel wanted again.

I have shown her that I loved her last week before she split me. Now I take a more lacksed attitude to her she is communicating with me.

Is she lieing because she thinks I will abandon her if I knew what was going on? She has been lieing to me constantly, even about the other guy who rejected her.

How do I know it is truly over in regard to reestablishing our relationship, getting us both some counselling/therapy and continueing our life.

I don't want to give up on that but I don't want to be her prisoner while she lies to me and takes it all the way with some clueless idiot who can't see her obvious signs of disorder.

She's texting me now for sympathy about how she is losing it and needs anti psychotic drugs. She tells me that she wasn't up late last night talking to this guy, she was just in and out of sleep due to anxiety. I know this is bull___.

I told her I can get a therapist on the phone right now if needed and that I can help her.

She has gone through 3 to 5 diazepam a day she told me.

So aggravating.

[Narellan]

Once the trust is gone, and it clearly has here, there's no good that will come from any reconciliation or counselling. She doesn't seem interested or capable of anything but using you. You are her fall guy. If she ditches this guy overseas, she'll just replace him with another. My ex is doing exactly the same, obvious public FB comments trying to hook up with his exes. Today I'm pissed about it, but mostly I'm sad and wanted to work things through. I understand how hard it is to make a clean break. I'm constantly watching what he does on FB because I don't trust him, and what he posts. It's consuming my life, like your situation is. I wish you all the best.

[goldylamont]

blueman54321 i think it best to stop showing this woman any consideration or concern. she is an abuser and liar. you should try your best to not allow her to see you or get you dis-regulated as she will use this against you.

i know it's hard to accept, but she is not going to treat you with any more respect than the army kid that she's lying to online. she doesn't have any respect for either of you, nor for yourself. blueman54321 please understand that while i can't know exactly what the situation is, i think you should know a likely outcome--your ex can and will start a sexual relationship with someone (if she already hasn't yet) and will continue to lie to you about it. you will never know the full truth of things because she won't ever be honest enough to tell you.

it's totally understandable that after 4 years you feel the way that you do. i'm not saying that you shouldn't want to be with who you thought your ex was. especially now that things are so fresh and raw. but you are about to truly find out how little this person cares about you--we've all been there. and from experience i can tell you that it's best to not try and stop her from doing whatever it is she wants. let her go have sex with whoever, say whatever, take drugs, whatever--don't get involved. get angry and find a healthy outlet to channel it so that you aren't targeted as being unstable. you know in your gut that this person is using you, is abusive and is not in the right head space to work things out. if you do truly love her then leave her alone and let her family deal with her. if you love her and yourself then go take care of yourself as best you can--whether this means working out or just crying all day, both are things you need to take *your own* time for.

you have to be willing to accept that you can't stop her. in fact you are only enabling and giving her ammunition by communicating since she knows how much it will hurt you that she's trying to sleep with other men. she will tell you one minute that she loves you and then the next she'll grab you by the emotional throat and smear her new conquests in your face. it's a nasty game which is why my advice is to steer as clear as possible for now.

your continued "support" at this point will not help her and will hurt you--do not deceive yourself into thinking you want to help her more than your need to stop your own pain by trying to 'save' her. it's terrible, but truly the act of saving her now is something you desperately want because you are deeply hurt and don't want to hurt anymore. but trying to help her at this time will not help you or her i am very sorry to say.

please hang in there. i know it's a tough road. treat this woman with regards as how she has been treating you and don't fall for her pleas for help. it's just an excuse for her to abuse you more.

[WisdomSeeker]

Blueman,

I believe that Goldylamont has provided you excellent advice. Your ex BPD is treating you very poorly and is being very disrespectful to you. The fact that you still are trying to work things out with her despite her bad behavior will most likely turn her off further and drive her farther away. At this stage, you have really no choice. The more you show that you want to be with her the more you will pay. It's called the "Wanting It Tax". The person that needs it the most, pays the most for it. You have to put yourself first and foremost. Do this to get your strength and power back. That is the only way that she could potentially want to be with you in the future. But you will have to completely focus on you. You cannot heal, unless you stop thinking about her. Focus on something else. Go out with other girls in a light-hearted way and have fun. Stay completely no contact. Don't check facebook, don't check anything with respect to her. Avoid things that will trigger you. If you two had a good rs at one point, she will remember this and could potentially try to recycle you. But, right now you have no choice as Goldylamont has perfectly pinpointed. You must put yourself first. Use this wonderful website as support. We are here for you. You can do it. No contact and let her go. It is the only way.

[Waifed]

Blueman

My ex did almost the same thing to me.  She met a guy from overseas while she was on an out of state vacation.  I found out later about this and the fact that she had been talking to him online and then went to see him overseas for a week.  Once I found out about all of this I had no option but to dismiss her from my life.  It would have been a matter of time before she found someone anyway.  Respect yourself and move on.  It will hurt but in the long run you will feel better that you had the courage to leave.  The relationship is on borrowed time anyway.  Cut ties and begin the healing.  Good luck to you whatever you choose.  We are here to support you either way!