17DD Gay or BPD symptom

[Parents! Get help here!]

Has anyone had any experience with their BPD teen and homosexuality? I do not see many threads with this particular topic?

My 17DD had been in a relationship with another girl for about 5 months. I suspected months ago, asked her about it many times and was lied to each time. When I approached her, it was done in a way that was kind and understanding, and I was sure to be clear to her that I loved her no matter what. But, I was manipulated and lied to for months. I ignored my "mother's instinct" and felt much guilt for thinking this about my child. Thought I was the one who was mentally ill!

Long story, short. I am wondering if I should support a relationship that my daughter is in, when I know it is just a symptoms of BPD? I do not believe she is gay, she lies to this girl already (saying that I have called my dd a "homo", and I do not approve of same sex activity. I do not want to look back later and see that I supported a relationship that was not genuine or was a detriment to her mental health.

Any advice is welcomed.

Thank you!   

[mama72]

Has anyone had any experience with their BPD teen and homosexuality? I do not see many threads with this particular topic?

My 17DD had been in a relationship with another girl for about 5 months. I suspected months ago, asked her about it many times and was lied to each time. When I approached her, it was done in a way that was kind and understanding, and I was sure to be clear to her that I loved her no matter what. But, I was manipulated and lied to for months. I ignored my "mother's instinct" and felt much guilt for thinking this about my child. Thought I was the one who was mentally ill!

Long story, short. I am wondering if I should support a relationship that my daughter is in, when I know it is just a symptoms of BPD? I do not believe she is gay, she lies to this girl already (saying that I have called my dd a "homo", and I do not approve of same sex activity. I do not want to look back later and see that I supported a relationship that was not genuine or was a detriment to her mental health.

Any advice is welcomed.

Thank you!   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Elbry]

I'm a little confused by your post.  Why exactly do you think this relationship is just a symptom of BPD?

My BPD teen daughter is Bi-sexual and has had relationships with both males and females.  I don't see any difference in how she is with them.  None of them last.  It's the same old love them one day hate them the next love them again the next.  I can never keep up.  That I see as a sx of BPD, in our case gender has nothing to do with it.

[Verbena]

 My DD28 has lied to me for as long as I can remember.  Lying ABOUT me is a fairly new experience.  Last summer, she told my husband and hers that she kept her mouth shut when I divulged disgusting details of my sex life to her so I should have done the same with her now former best friend who came to me with concerns about  :)D's BPD behavior--which doesn't exist in her mind anyway. I am still in shock when I think about that particular lie.    

DD and I recently had a discussion on what the Bible says about homosexuality and that if we believe what it says, we have a right to say that just as anyone who disagrees with what it says has the same right. She agreed with me that you can still love someone whether you disagree with their beliefs and choices or not, and that beating them down with your beliefs was never a good idea.  Then, DD flipped on me and began accusing me of stirring up trouble with my sister over her daughter's pro-homosexual Facebook posts, something I have not done at all and don't intend to do.  

I understand your frustration over being lied to about your daughter's relationship and then her lying that you called her a name.  To answer your question about whether you should support this relationship, all I can say is that based on my beliefs I wouldn't be able to, and BPD would have nothing to do with it.  Whatever your position on your DD's relationship, you should be able to tell her what you think about it--and why--without her lying to you.  Unfortunately, BPD and lying seem to go hand in hand.  

[mama72]

@Elbry-Thank you for your response. Let me clarify for you a bit. I believe this may be a symptom because it is just another very impulsive action, she tends to take on the personalities of people she is friends with. She does not keep friends long and when she is done being friends with others, she vilifies them.

She goes hard on emotes and feelings and not reality and truth. Her gf has issues of self-harm and a past history of sexual abuse, so my daughters says, who really knows if this is the truth? I think she has connected with this girl on an emotional level and is acting on it in a sexual way. I hate to see her label herself as a lesbian when she is just confused. She is so stubborn, I think she would stick with that lifestyle, just so she doesn't have to face the truth that she is not a homosexual.

I hop this help clarify a bit?

Even her therapist said that her gf was now replacing her cutting.

@Verbena-Amen, that lying goes hand in hand with BPD! It is not just lying, it is believing the lie to be the truth. So can people who suffer from BPD really even understand the truth? Lies become a reality and how can you reason with someone who won't face reality?

We had a therapy appt this afternoon, and I asked her about the cut marks and bruises on her chest. She kept saying she did not put them there and that no one else put them there! Her T and I were just sitting there in awe that she could not understand that this could not just be. After about 30 minutes on a circular conversation, she said her gf put them there, they are bite marks. I do not believe that, I am a nurse and I know what cut/scratch marks look like. Plus, I found a note from her gf saying that she wishes she could kiss her bruises and paper cuts. She is flat out lying and also to the T that I lied to her psychiatrist about her weight loss to get him to up her Zoloft. Another lie. Most likely the Zoloft is not even going to help. She called me crazy, a liar and accused me of shouting at her. I think her T has really seen the BPD side of her strongly today. T said she would call me later and wants to see DD on Monday. DD said if I was at appt, she would not talk.

I am so ready to give up! I still want to parent her and help direct her on how to be an honest, productive and health young adult, but she is making it impossible.

I am a 2 1/2 year Stage 4 breast cancer survivor and stress is a huge risk factor for me to relapse. My T and oncologist told me I need to try and reduce the stress in my life, but how do you get away from your child? DD is now at her dads 50% of the time. He is in denial about her illness, but had promised that she will make her therapy appts and will get her meds. He has been to one therapy appt for her.

Well, ranted longer than I anticipated, but venting has been helpful.

Thank you for the responses and hoping I get some more in regards to the same-sex issue. I have read that the lesbian community is thick with BPD?

[js friend]

I think that it better to treat your dd's "friend" just as you would as her friend because you will probably never get into the actual dynamics of their r/s.There seems to be a deep shame surrounding many aspects of my own dd's life that I dont even waste my mental energy anymore in trying to work  out.

For example I know for a fact that  my dd19 has slept with numerous boys yet according to her she has never done anything with them and they were all just her friends, yet her diaries said something totally different. Even when she got pregnant  gd with her on/off boyfriend as I call him, they both said they were merely friends and she denied the pregnacy until she was at least 6 months gone even though it was pretty obvious to everyone. in between the boys she has had very intense r/s with girls who I have suspected she probably has experimented with... . but then again dd could have just been intense and just been just mirroring them... . I didnt actually see any physical displays of affection yet dd has always been careful  each of these girls all them time and wanting to have sleepovers at their houses even well into her late teens.

I think your dd is projecting her feelings onto you with her harsh words. Crazy... . liar... . seems to be what she may think about herself. Try not to take them personally. Another thing is when your dd is with her dad, try to do something for you... . even something away form talking about or researching Bpd. You need a break from it all and your body is telling you that you do becuase it will consume all your thoughts if you let it. And I would have to day that  my dds hetro r/s is detiremental to her mental health because it has involved emotional abuse and violence from both sides but as you know we cant choose or kids partners and I would even guess that any r/s she has would end up turning sour in someway as she struggles immensley with maintaining personal r/s of any kind.

Right now im at the stage where I have given up trying to work out who is who in my dds life.Iam at the stage where with Radical Acceptance I have accepted my dd for all she is, and since I have done this Ican see the achievements my dd has made. I know now that she has to put the work in herself if she would like to make her life better, but so far she is indenial about why her life is the way it is and getting help. I continue to be a good role model for her, but her life is her own and she will need to be the one to make those changes.

One of the things I used to think about was how nice it would be if my dd actually brought someone home and actually introduced them to the family. I would love to see her in a loving, happy r/s, maybe even married one day, but I have accepted long ago along with many other things about my dd that this may never ever happen and I may never see this and I so I have to just let it go.

[lever.]

 Unstable sense of self,(including sexuality) and unstable relationships are both common with BPD.

Personally I would give this a very "medium chill" reaction.

If your DD senses that you are unhappy with her choices she may stubbornly stick with them.

She may or may not be gay~time will tell but very possibly this IS more about an unstable sense of self.

The lying and actually believing in a false reality is difficult.I have experienced a lot of this and it really undermines trust.

[BioAdoptMom3]

Because of identity issues there does seem to be a lot of sexual orientation confusion in BPD and even some other mental illnesses.  Our DD is 14 and has announced to us that she is gay on a couple of occasions.  She has also claimed several times to be straight and now claims she is bisexual.  We have told her we love her unconditionally and that is all we can do as her parents.  In our case its a bit confusing too because DD is adopted and knows her birth mothers says she is bisexual.  No matter what, this does seem to be common. I have read and contributed to other threads here related to yours.

[mama72]

Thanks for the input so far, friends!  

I am bumping this thread, in hopes for some more information on this topic from other members.

[LittleThings]

My BPD DD had said first that she is Bi, then gay and now queer which means she doesn't identify with any of the labels on the "gay spectrum". So yes, she is quite confused. She is not comfortable with herself and we think it has much more to do with the BPD than it does with her actual sexuality. She may or may not be gay. I think it must be impossible to assess this in the midst of mental illness.

Her past includes intense dating with boys in high school, with relationships back to back and fairly serious until they would fall apart and the BF would be vilified. She expended so much energy into it and it was exhausting to watch.

We accept her choices, but we don't approve of the manner in which she conducts herself. We don't say too much, but patterns do continue and it's pretty hard to get too excited about any "new friend". She tends to take on the characteristics of the current interest in dress, hair, musical preference, etc.

She has said some telling things such as she is afraid of men. I think her BPD thought patterns have etched the pain of every relationship (with the boys in high school) into her memory and she is now looking for comfort from women.  Relationships with boys haven't worked out, so maybe ones will with girls... . ?

However, we've already seen the same dynamic in relationships w/girls, and not much will change unless she can identify and work on her issues.

She makes it impossible for herself and that is hard to watch.

[mama72]

LittleThings-Thanks for the response. I could have written that exact post myself, we are in the same boat!

My daughter was "boy crazy" for some time and fell hard for a few boys. Nice boys, actually. But, like your situation, the relationship became stressed, they broke up and the ex's became villains. She is now a radical feminist, and really dislikes men. I see so much confusion in her, I do not even know how to support her, because her actions never seem authentic. I just tell her I love her often, and nothing could ever change that. She and her gf seemed almost obsessed with each other and WHEN the break-up comes, I dread what will follow. Ag

The other day she asks me if I had nipples! Long story, short, I have had a double mastectomy without reconstruction, due to cancer. I thought that was an odd question and it had me wondering if she wanted her breasts removed at some point, because she hates any kind of gender differentiation. Hopefully, she was just curious and is not thinking seriously about breast removal. I suppose her chances of getting breast cancer would drastically drop, so I keep that in mind.

[maxen]

So yes, she is quite confused. She is not comfortable with herself and we think it has much more to do with the BPD than it does with her actual sexuality. She may or may not be gay. I think it must be impossible to assess this in the midst of mental illness.

this matches my experience, not with a d but with my stbxw. she actually used the phrase "i'm very confused," and she's 48. she has a gay aunt, and her closest cousin is in some kind of relationship with a woman, so it's not like she was raised in a family that attaches any stigma to lesbianism, that she's had to suppress it. it's the BPD.

and autkpi i'm sorry for your cancer. it's common on both sides of my family (have had a touch of it myself) so i've seen the struggles. my symapthies.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[LittleThings]

Autkpi,

It is true that it's hard to support them when their actions don't seem authentic.

And I am stunned... . my daughter told me she wanted her breasts removed. Waited for me to approve, but I didn't, just asked her if she really thought it would change anything, and isn't there more to change on the inside first? This would not likely be the quick fix she may be after.

My therapist asked me if my DD could argue her feminist points in a rational manner and I had to say, no... . she reacts in a very verbally abusive way if anyone challenges anything she says, or heaven forbid says something not completely pc.

She certainly does not live as a true feminist... . she lives in a fantasy land and depends on others for most everything. So, yes, not genuine.

[mama72]

Holy Cow, LittleThings. Sounds like our daughters could be twins!

I looked back at some of your other posts and can relate so much. You had a lot of helpful information in those posts for me, as well. Thank you! I always tell the new members at the After Breast Cancer support group that, "we are in a sisterhood that no one wants to join, but a strong sisterhood, none the less". That is how I feel about being a BPD parent and being on this board. Lots of support and great advice on how to live healthy and joyful.

My daughter get totally worked up if we try and civilly, discuss feminism, religion, politics, ect. I have just given up "debating" her, because I think she just gets a high out of it and really does not care about my opinion. If I make an argument that differs from her's about homosexuality, I am a homophobe. If I comment about religion, I am a radical right-winger. If I comment about politics, I am a gun loving tea bagger. I am none of these. Just her black and white thinking taking place.

[parent of bpd daughter]

Wow I could have written this MYSELF! There HAS to be some correlation between the "gay" gene and the "BPD gene" I am convinced because I have observed myself that many I know in the gay community have BPD traits. I thought it was just coincidence - but the older I get the more I see it.

My BPDD has been gay since she was very young - I knew it, her dad knew it, and we have ZERO problem with it - EVER!

Yet - she accused us of so many horrible things like homophobia (even though we marched in Pride Parade with her and younger sister 3 years in a row) and I

have been equal rights and gay activist on my own for more years than she's been alive.

It hurt me terribly to be accused by her of homophobia - but then that's why the accuse us of this crap right ? because they know it hurts.

There is some comorbidity between being gay and BPD - I just know it and I apologize to anyone this offends - it has been what I have observed. Actually I think sexual identity problems are part of BPD traits.

I am NOT homophobic - and it DOES HURT terribly to be accused of such by one's own child. I am sorry for all who have been thru this.

How much are we expected to endure really? Aren't the medical and psychiatric bills enough?