Feel like a failure, not capable of meeting daughters needs

[Elbry]

Hi again everyone.     Things have been relatively quiet and stable.  But it is all illusion. The real truth is I stopped pushing, I took walking on eggshells to a whole new level.  Every time I do say no to DD, every time she is pushed to do something she doesn't want to do, there is a huge explosion with screaming, crying, stomping around the whole show.

She started refusing to go to school over a year ago in the 8th grade, and I fought and fought to get her to school.  We had meetings with the school, concessions were made, bargains were struck and we managed to get her through the 8th grade.  9th grade was even worse.  We tried everything.  I don't even know how many meetings we had to try and come up with a plan to keep her in school but it was to no avail.  My last resort was to try homeschooling.  And of course, she is now refusing that as well. 

Since her last suicide attempt which was very very serious, I have let it go.  I want her alive and that has been my focus.  Plus, she is going to a RTC, her CM is working on the paperwork now, so her schooling is all up in the air.  I feel like I have just been in a holding pattern, keeping her safe until she gets into the RTC.

Boy was I wrong.   I got a call yesterday from her nurse CM who is supposed to deal with the medical side of things.  My daughter has medicaid and this woman works with medicaid patients to streamline services to manage cost.  Well she ripped me a new one.  She has met with us ONCE, and she knows everything!  She has concerns that not only am I not meeting my DD's needs, she feels her whole treatment team is not meeting her needs.  I am not meeting her educational needs.  I am not meeting her social needs because she is not in school.  I am not meeting treatment needs bc in this woman's opinion she should have been in a RTC by now.  DD is supposed to go to a concert with her dad May 10 and I shouldn't be letting her go to the concert bc she has anxiety.  The list of my shortcomings goes on and on.  She had me in tears, and I've been in tears this morning. 

One part of me is really angry bc this woman came into the picture one month ago and she has no clue what we have been through with this girl, the hoops we have jumped through, the things we have tried.  All she sees is that DD is not in school, she wasn't there for all the meetings and the compromises and how hard we tried to keep her in school.  As far as the RTC thing, it was not even recommended to me "until next time she does something".  I went to her providers and pushed for it now, I am the one who said let's not wait for next time let's do it now.  If I hadn't done that it wouldn't even be in the works.  I'm really, REALLY angry bc I feel like she is overstepping.  She is supposed to manage MEDICAL issues, NOT mental health issues. 

But, maybe she is right and I am not capable of handling this situation. I am too soft.  I don't push DD bc I am so afraid she will hurt herself.  I am so traumatized by her last overdose and seeing her in the ICU that I am terrified.  My only focus has been on keeping her safe and I let go of things like school.  So she is totally having her way.  I don't know what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Wow. I am so sorry to hear that the nurse CM talked to you that way. You've been through enough to have to deal with that on top of everything else. How did she come to be part of the picture? Is there any way to request a change? She had absolutely no right to speak to you like that. I'm mad for you! If you can, get rid of her.

And it's true. Some people have no clue what we go through with our kids with these disorders. They look at the parents and see them as the problem. But I would love for them to walk in our shoes.

Hang in there. I know this is a tough road. But you are doing very well trying to get your DD help.

[BioAdoptMom3]

I am so sorry you had to deal with this nurse's very poor choice of response to yours and your DD's needs! I kind of have an idea of what you are going through because once when DD was in crisis stabilization for 4 days we had a therapist at the hospital who only wanted to suggest different parenting techniques and books on discipline and parenting for us to read.  We left there feeling defeated.  I am sure you feel that way now too.  However mental illness is a dysfunction in the brain and is NOT your fault!  We do walk on eggshells from one minute to the next trying to avoid a scene which disrupts the entire household every time it takes place!  This nurse should NOT be working in the mental health field because the entire family needs treatment and she was certainly not providing for your needs as parents!  I am hoping your DD will get good care in the RTC and she should get school there too, right?  Ours is in an RTC right now too and that is one of the best things about it - she cannot get up and say she is sick or tired or whatever.  She has to get up, get herself ready and go to school (ours is in 9th grade as well).  While she is there, with the doctor you might also explore other mental illness possibilities.  We have been told for 3 years Borderline Personality Traits, but we have now been told Bipolar and Bipolar is 75% treated with medication.  Many of the symptoms are the same.  I am adding you to my prayer list and wishing you well as she enters the treatment center!  It will probably be the best thing you have ever done, for both of you!   

[MammaMia]

Elbry

I am so sorry you were attacked by someone whose job is to be helpful.  I would schedule a one-on-one meeting with the nurse.  It sounds to me like she is really frustrated with the "system".  Once she hears your side of the story, if there is no change in attitude, I would make her superiors aware  and ask to work with someone else.

YOU do not need this.  It is not helping your daughter or you to deal with her illness.  There is enough stress and frustration in your life without someone playing the blame game.

You can resolve this. 

[chooselove]

I would love it if the CM could read your post. It's so frustrating when a new medical person arrives on the scene with an insensitive and ignorant "I'm here to save the day," attitude.

[hopeangel]

I am SO sorry to hear you were treated this way, Elbry!

That is just so hurtful and unkind, I would love that nurse to walk a mile in your shoes and then see her judge you!

I would have been as hurt as you are if that had happened to me, we RELY on these people to try to help us mend our relationships with our pwBPD, for in the end that is the very best thing for them and us!

This nurse has me very angry on your behalf, I am not sure how she dare add to your burdens like this.

Please read a thread started by Parent of BPD Daughter called 'Maternal Guilt' even if you have already read it - read it all again!  I feel it will help you repair the part of you which that nurse has broken!

Gosh the DAMAGE these people can do to us when the wrong individual is in the wrong job!  Where is the compassion? 

[jellibeans]

Dear Elbry

I am sorry to read your post. You don't deserve that kind of treatment. What I have learned through a lot of the issues is that there are people you are going to run into that no idea what they are talking about. I have police at my door yelling and trying to scare my dd straight... . they haeve no idea what is going on in our home... . that kind of mentality of tough love doesn't work with these kids... . that would be a one way ticket to the ER... . that is not saying I am an easy parent letting my d do what she wants but I have educated myself to know that tough love is not going to get any of us anyway.

Elbry... . you know your child and we all know the feeling of just trying to keep them safe... . get through the next few weeks and wait for her to get into RTC... . what is the hold up with that? Is there a way to get a new CM? I might try writing out a history or timeline of events so you have it in writing... . sometimes this helps me when talking to doctors or other that are new to the case and don't know my dd16... .

Know that you are doing the best you can... . believe that... . don't let others get in your head...

[theplotthickens]

What a joke!  I will say that you are experiencing a bit of anti-homeschool bias.  If a child is failing in a school setting or refusing school there, it doesn't seem to trip the same trigger.  There is a very pro-institutional school bias that you don't want to take personally!

You are the parent, you are the one who knows your child best.  The nurse was unprofessional and playing the good old, tried and true "Blame the Mother" game.  Typical of many professionals.

Tell them that your priority is your child's mental health, and academics come second.  I'm not sure what you are doing for homeschool, but try technology-integrated, videos from The Great Courses, resources like Khan Academy, etc.  I use bribery, and my teen earns media/phone time with academics completed.  She can work at her own pace without the stress of getting up early, dealing with bullies, and hanging with druggies/gangster-type kids.  I don't push her, but set up daily incentives and let her keep her own schedule.  While in school and treatment settings, she refused to do the work, she misbehaved, she refused to sit in her chair and they let her lay on the floor and not participate, she failed all of her classes. (When she failed in a traditional setting, nobody accused the school/treatment center of "not meeting educational needs!)    She is now earning A's and B's and one C.  If she was failing at home, they would accuse ME and blame ME; but that is the bias we deal with and it no longer triggers me.

That nurse doesn't have a clue, and you should really tell her to go SUCK it.  You need to have a low stress environment for your dd, and you need to trust your instincts.  If one thing doesn't work, try something else. 

[parent of bpd daughter]

I am so sorry for your situation Elbry and I can so relate to it unfortunately.

I lost count of the times I've been chastised, patronized, condescended and infuriated by clueless medical staff and social workers. Sometimes it's just hard to believe these people are in the "caring" business - with "caring" people like that - who needs enemies?

Stand your ground with them, don't allow them to push you around. Of course you can and will lose it behind closed doors because IT HURTS terribly when these people are so insensitive - but to their face I would be adamant that you are doing 100% BEST things for YOUR daughter.

And don't forget she is YOUR daughter - not theirs - they can give you their input - but you don't have to take it... . They are underpaid, over worked and some don't even have kids of their own.

I am so sorry you are hurting because of such insensitivity - know in your heart you ARE doing the right thing - take in what you want from therapists and medical staff and trust YOUR GUT... YOU KNOW what's best for your kid - if you didn't you wouldn't have her in RTC.

[trainwreck4]

That is ridiculous. She has no business judging considering she just arrived on scene. I have had many friends, family, and professionals decide that they are in a better position to judge us and I have come up with a standard reply. I tell them that I realize the worst can happen here and I am terrified that I won't be able to look at myself in the mirror if it happens. I need to do whatever I feel in my heart is right for my daughter. And also she is now in grade eleven and things are way better. Grade 9 was hideous. It seemed to be the peak of the horrifying behavior. So hang tight!

[Elbry]

Raytamtay-  She came to be part of the picture because my daughter has a very high utilization of services, from ER visits, ambulance rides, hospitalizations, outpatient therapy, regular Dr. visits... . you name it.  She has Medicaid and this nurse works with medicaid pts to try and reduce or streamline their services to be more cost effective.  She came from the primary care office from reviewing charts or was referred by the primary care or something. 

BioAdoptMom3- This woman is not even IN the mental health field believe it or not!  She is a medical case manager.  She typically works with people with chronic disease like diabetes, to help them mange their illness to reduce complications and things like specialist visits and ER visits due to complications.  My DD doesn't even have any unmet medical needs, she is healthy physically.

Theplotthickens-  I AM getting some home school bias.  She is blaming ME for her refusals and failings but does not blame the public school for her truancy and failings. I use time4learning.com for her and she just has to log on and do her lessons anytime.

I would rather have my daughter alive and a dropout then push school and we end up with a successful suicide attempt.  I just can't get over the last one when she nearly died.  It's not gestures or just attempts anymore, without medical intervention she would have died slowly and painfully and as a mother... . you all know what that does to me.  School is not a priority right now for me.

I called her regular CM and found out that the nurse called her and did the same thing to her she did to me and had her all upset as well! The CM went to her clinical supervisor to talk about things because this horrible woman had her questioning everything, and the clinical supervisor agreed with our treatment plan.

As far as I am concerned, I am done with this nurse.  She has greatly overstepped the bounds of her practice.  She is there for medical purposes and not to stick her nose into our whole lives.  My DD has no unmet medical needs, therefore the case needs to closed out.  If she wants to report me to the authorities, fine, it won't be the first time.  It's just like Trainwreck4 said, we do know the worst that can happen and have to be able to look in the mirror after.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

Elbry,

How awful for this nurse CM to be so judgmental towards you.  I was just reading through your thread, and was glad to see that regular CM called her supervisor, and she agreed with treatment plan. 

I was thinking that everyone has a boss, and this is something that I would report.  I am sure that it is not in her job description to be judgmental.

You are doing the best you can.   

peaceplease