BPDw rejects kids mothers day gift.

[Unleashed]

Well, after pestering my S11 to get a gift for her for m.d. he finally came up with an idea, a $300 one, that she kind of needed.  When I arrived with him to deliver it, she was at her car, back turned with a screwdriver pretending to work a fastener on her car.  He called to her for three minutes while she pretended this way (just to keep her back turned to us).   Eventually he and I brought the item toward her and she frowned a bit, complained about it lacking a feature, and it not being already fueled up!  The item was a bit of a high end item of it's sort.  He is emotionally rugged, but wow, what a disaster.  Any other m.d. woes? 

She took custody of him, I later emailed him a historical example that describes what bittersweet is, i.e. the mixing of positive and negative emotion in one event, and how it can be confusing.

[Turkish]

Well, after pestering my S11 to get a gift for her for m.d. he finally came up with an idea, a $300 one, that she kind of needed.  When I arrived with him to deliver it, she was at her car, back turned with a screwdriver pretending to work a fastener on her car.  He called to her for three minutes while she pretended this way (just to keep her back turned to us).   Eventually he and I brought the item toward her and she frowned a bit, complained about it lacking a feature, and it not being already fueled up!  The item was a bit of a high end item of it's sort.  He is emotionally rugged, but wow, what a disaster.  Any other m.d. woes? 

She took custody of him, I later emailed him a historical example that describes what bittersweet is, i.e. the mixing of positive and negative emotion in one event, and how it can be confusing.

 Sounds like you did the right thing, but how frustrating, especially for your son. Does she exhibit this passive aggressive behavior towards him when you are not around?

I had S4 and D2 all weekend with me out of town, though we did call their mom on Sunday (we stopped the daily or nightly calls to the other parent's house after S4 started acting up after she tried to bring my romantic replacement in as a replacement daddy). I had the kids make her a MD card (which means I made it). No thank you or anything. I was foolish to expect it. Our stipulation doesn't specify MD and FD as holidays apart from the normal schedule. I may offer to switch next year, depending upon how things are going.

[Unleashed]

Hello Turkish

I've read of your struggles, So you are turning down the nightly calls?  I have done the same thing, got sick of hearing the call go nicely and then hearing the momster in the background hollaring interruptions.  I can be a full parent when I have them, and out of the way when not.  Sorry your kids are not older, my S11 can email with me, really good means of comm.

Initially I thought a card too, but splurged on the $300 household item after my son seemed thrilled by that idea.  He dealt with it fine, I've been teaching him some things about cults, personality disorders, mental illness for about 4 years (to prep him generally, not to point toward mom), so, he sees thru it.  BPDw has been claiming extreme poverty due to my neglecting her, yet is buying luxuries for herself. I am providing more than courts would dictate, but hey, it's working.  Her friends do consider me a demon, if only they knew... .

Our stipulation doesn't specify MD and FD as holidays apart from the normal schedule.

  Yes, I have not had the custody hearing yet (8 month court lag), but I'm planning on asking for switch every five days at 6pm, then for Christmas, the non-custody parent relinquishes children for 6 hours from noon till six, no other holiday involved. Keeping it simple is preferred, random chance is an excellent leader for me.  Complexity and frequency of meeting ex are bad in this.

[Turkish]

Hello Turkish

I've read of your struggles, So you are turning down the nightly calls?  I have done the same thing, got sick of hearing the call go nicely and then hearing the momster in the background hollaring interruptions.  I can be a full parent when I have them, and out of the way when not.  Sorry your kids are not older, my S11 can email with me, really good means of comm.

My uBPDx is relatively stable now because she has her boyfriend (the replacement she started cheating on me with). As long as that is in place, it's ok. I know she will desperately turn towards the kids if that blows up, and I am mentally preparing myself for it. I am the one who stopped the calls due to S4 acting out. It's like they are reminded the other parent is not there. Well, me. They only started acting out with me when she moved my replacement in too close suddenly. That's when S4 started asking to call me. Now the new norm is her time is hers and mine is mine. uBPDx mirrored me and stopped calling at night as well (I still hold Fatherly influence over her, which my T said I can use to my advantage, albeit carefully). She also told me she got advice from a colleague who has a psychology degree that calling 2x/day on the weekends was wrong. It's like with her shallow empathy, she can't think through things like this and how they affect others. We touch base only on kid-related issues, as it should be.

Initially I thought a card too, but splurged on the $300 household item after my son seemed thrilled by that idea.  He dealt with it fine, I've been teaching him some things about cults, personality disorders, mental illness for about 4 years (to prep him generally, not to point toward mom), so, he sees thru it.  BPDw has been claiming extreme poverty due to my neglecting her, yet is buying luxuries for herself. I am providing more than courts would dictate, but hey, it's working.  Her friends do consider me a demon, if only they knew... .

That's interesting. I'm formulating in the back of my mind how to teach my kids to be wise and educate them on such things. As for the gift, perhaps your son learned a good lesson this time. I learned it when I bought mine and iPad last Christmas and she started raging on me because I got her the wrong color cover. She only caught herself because her whole family was there and they started going, "what are you talking about, he got you an iPad!" So she shut herself down. I got it later when we got home, however. Another ruined holiday   The upside of being apart, and I think for most of us, is that our children will not be exposed to a constant dysfunctional r/s, possibly mirroring it later in their lives (as mine did her parents' r/s towards me).

Our stipulation doesn't specify MD and FD as holidays apart from the normal schedule.

 

Yes, I have not had the custody hearing yet (8 month court lag), but I'm planning on asking for switch every five days at 6pm, then for Christmas, the non-custody parent relinquishes children for 6 hours from noon till six, no other holiday involved. Keeping it simple is preferred, random chance is an excellent leader for me.  Complexity and frequency of meeting ex are bad in this.

Mine's been served with papers. She keeps focusing on the CS portion of it, though at least she finally returned the receipt of service. I finally had to tell her that if she didn't, we'd have to send a process server to her (I said it in a nice way, don't want to trigger her). She wants to stay out of court, because she wants to keep how this all went down a secret and doesn't want to be reminded of it. Waif-Hermit. As long as she doesn't channel Queen on the financial portion, I should be ok.

[Turkish]

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[Unleashed]

She wants to stay out of court, because she wants to keep how this all went down a secret and doesn't want to be reminded of it.

I hear this from mine, I suspect mine (and yours likely) is less verbally articulate and rugged to carry oneself in court. Mine fears government and "educated people". 

I bought mine and iPad last Christmas and she started raging on me because I got her the wrong color cover.

Very sad, It was embarrassing when mine would buy a new iphone every 9 months (paying $200 early replacement fees), new computers, etc. all the while knowing nothing about the items.  I am standing there, like, "hmm, why?" in the store when this happened. The last stint was this Christmas, she got a new computer from me, as a demand without any need. She then used her old one to do spyware experiments on and then defeat my company computer with such junk software. I had nothing to hide, but it was the last straw of my trust. Demanding a gift to serve as a conspiracy plan against me.  Thankfully she didn't request a revolver!

I know she will desperately turn towards the kids if that blows up, and I am mentally preparing myself for it.

Be ready, mine fantasizes about a fairly cool fellow out of town, she visits him, even with my kids.  I get info he is not that interested, when she does go, she is gentle to me. The replacements are the catalyst for kindness, a replacement with conception can more truly liberate us, although I am not that selfish to wish upon any man.

[Turkish]

Be ready, mine fantasizes about a fairly cool fellow out of town, she visits him, even with my kids.  I get info he is not that interested, when she does go, she is gentle to me. The replacements are the catalyst for kindness, a replacement with conception can more truly liberate us, although I am not that selfish to wish upon any man.

That's painful to me, in a way (only because it's the young guy she cheated on me with), but yes, if they are happy there getting their emotional/physical needs met, it seems to make it easier in some cases. What do you mean by conception, getting pregnant? Mine "fixed" herself when D2 was around 6 months old. In retrospect, it was the start of her abandonment and detachment. I'm the most mature r/s she'll ever have now. She can be eternal teen romantic (based upon her writings I found, it's at the level of junior high school, if that) risk-free. In the future, I have to protect our kids from picking up on that fantasy view of love and relationships. I already saw it in my house when she was watching these "empowering" videos in front of our kids and making comments to them. Really immature.

[Unleashed]

protect our kids from picking up on that fantasy view of love and relationships. I already saw it in my house when she was watching these "empowering" videos in front of our kids and making comments to them.

You mean romanticized, violent, narcissistic TV junk?  Yes mine got 8+ hours a day of it, for several years I've been carefully coaching son as to what success is defined as (his choice), and successful selection of career path / spouse.  You are what you eat, I mean watch... .

What do you mean by conception, getting pregnant?

OK, I have kids due to deliberate contraception deception by her.  The past is a predictor of the future.  I guess she collected pets for emotional crutches as well, but the babies, yes.

I'm the most mature r/s she'll ever have now.

Yes, that may be why they anchor us, due to personal neglect/dysfunction/lies, it is unlikely our wives will score intelligence, morals, balanced people. I am comforted that mine found a bright, socially awkward & damaged man who is good with my kids, the others she can bait will be junk.  Your's has a young show and tell it seems. Can two shallow people make bliss?

[Turkish]

protect our kids from picking up on that fantasy view of love and relationships. I already saw it in my house when she was watching these "empowering" videos in front of our kids and making comments to them.

You mean romanticized, violent, narcissistic TV junk?  Yes mine got 8+ hours a day of it, for several years I've been carefully coaching son as to what success is defined as (his choice), and successful selection of career path / spouse.  You are what you eat, I mean watch... .

My Waif-Hermit seems a lot higher functioning than most I find here (at least on the surface, though now she's regressed to what is more comfortable to her). Hers was months of watching empowering youtube videos, as if it were that hard to just find a place and move out. She had them constantly running on her phone as she did laundry, even in the bathroom when she was bathing our daughter. The "rah-rah, you can do it!" stuff. Rocky videos. It telegraphed extreme emotional instability to me, and I (or more correctly the situation) was the trigger. The other youtube stuff was basically empowering to women, and junk (IMO) relationship advice. Advice on roles between men and women, a lot slamming men. I felt like telling her, "how do you think you can raise a healthy son with your disdainful views of men in general?" I think it might get to that point later, to break any brainwashing. I saw subtle signs of it with her making offhand comments to our 3 year old, and putting our then 1 year old over him. It made me sick. I know she loves them, but the inner BPD beast raises its head in subtle ways. She thinks she is better, but I know better.  

What do you mean by conception, getting pregnant?

OK, I have kids due to deliberate contraception deception by her.  The past is a predictor of the future.  I guess she collected pets for emotional crutches as well, but the babies, yes.

Mine lives for the kids. If they weren't around, I really think she might not be either. I used to see her comments about them on FB before I blocked her. Even my T picked up on it from a few stories, "the children are not responsible for her feelings."

I'm the most mature r/s she'll ever have now.

Yes, that may be why they anchor us, due to personal neglect/dysfunction/lies, it is unlikely our wives will score intelligence, morals, balanced people. I am comforted that mine found a bright, socially awkward & damaged man who is good with my kids, the others she can bait will be junk.  Your's has a young show and tell it seems. Can two shallow people make bliss?

Mine is smart enough (or more correctly driven enough to be good at what she does), but the narc traits means she thinks she is smarter than she is. Or she gets advice from the wrong people. The parenting advice she gets has been hit and miss so far.

As for her new boy-toy attachment, it's really unbelievable that she is celebrating it publicly. A semi-professional mother of 2 in her early 30s posting to the world how in love she is with an undergrad who is obviously immature even for his age. Some people have commented to me on how weird he seems. It's sad. She loves narcissists, though, that was her pattern before me. What will the kids mirror when they are exposed to this as they get old enough to process it?

I hope she learned her lesson from a few weeks ago from our son's anger towards her and the young narc, and she continues to keep that part of her life separate from our kids, at least until she finds someone more mature. I'm not holding my breath. That's why I am conflicted on how much we should do together as a family (which she wants to do, strangely, to keep Daddy near her). Anyway, going off-topic... . I'll stop now