She hates this post-hospitalization program and all the people there

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Tonight I attended a two week status conference with my BPDspouse and her Primary Therapist.  She has been going to an intensive 10-4 program 5 days a week here in our town, and living at home with the family.

The T thinks she is making some progress and sharing some emotions.  The T collaborates with the P and the group leaders , then meets with the spouse every two weeks.

My wife INSISTS this is the worst program ever. "It will destroy me," she says.

There's that old song called Spinning Wheel, and here we are on it again.  

So I have reviewed with her the agreement as she was discharged from an  inpatient facility to applying for this program :  either complete the program (40 days), or she may leave now and resume working with her outside therapist.  However, because I have a huge professional examination in 11 days, I have told my wife she will move into a hotel until my test is over.  

I have written to our involved family members of these conditions.

Now I just suffered thru a 30 minute phone call (I am at work, cramming, after working all day, after bringing a nice sushi dinner to eat together before the meeting, after an hour session with the T and then an hour long ride in rush hour traffic back to my office) asking me why does she have to complete this program and what benefits do I see from it.

I put a positive, stable spin saying the T thought progress was made, and I will NOT be the one to make the choice should she stay or should she go. It is hers and hers alone.

I'm putting my own oxygen mask on FIRST.  Then for my little kids.  Then our two cats.  Not sure how the cats will like it, but they will need it, too.

Thank you fellow boarders (?) as I learn to grow what I had lost.  And realize that it's NOT me who deserves to be treated like this.

[gary seven]

Tonight I attended a two week status conference with my BPDspouse and her Primary Therapist.  She has been going to an intensive 10-4 program 5 days a week here in our town, and living at home with the family.

The T thinks she is making some progress and sharing some emotions.  The T collaborates with the P and the group leaders , then meets with the spouse every two weeks.

My wife INSISTS this is the worst program ever. "It will destroy me," she says.

There's that old song called Spinning Wheel, and here we are on it again.  

So I have reviewed with her the agreement as she was discharged from an  inpatient facility to applying for this program :  either complete the program (40 days), or she may leave now and resume working with her outside therapist.  However, because I have a huge professional examination in 11 days, I have told my wife she will move into a hotel until my test is over.  

I have written to our involved family members of these conditions.

Now I just suffered thru a 30 minute phone call (I am at work, cramming, after working all day, after bringing a nice sushi dinner to eat together before the meeting, after an hour session with the T and then an hour long ride in rush hour traffic back to my office) asking me why does she have to complete this program and what benefits do I see from it.

I put a positive, stable spin saying the T thought progress was made, and I will NOT be the one to make the choice should she stay or should she go. It is hers and hers alone.

I'm putting my own oxygen mask on FIRST.  Then for my little kids.  Then our two cats.  Not sure how the cats will like it, but they will need it, too.

Thank you fellow boarders (?) as I learn to grow what I had lost.  And realize that it's NOT me who deserves to be treated like this.

[Surnia]

Hi gary

I think you did the right thing about protecting yourself during the examination, given she should stop the program.

And yes, you and your kids do not deserve all this and the only person who can stand for this is you.

What can I say: Keep going with it and keep us posted.

How are your kids doing?

[bpbreakout]

Gary haven't got much advice for you but I have been through BPDw being hospitalised and then on intensive outpatient program and pulling down a job looking after young kids at the same time, hang in there

[gary seven]

Surnia:

The kids have taken a turn for the not too good; they are very clingy to me all the time.  They don't like being around her.  It's hard when I have to cram and get this exam completed.  The kids get along nicely with our new afternoon helper, and they are fed and bathed by 5:30 pm every day.  Without the harranging and the arguments.

Even our religious leader noticed how clingy the kids were to her.  She sees a change.

I stayed home  last evening after Mothers Day (where I made a damn good dinner, BPD wife notwithstanding, with the help of Trader Joe's), and I had a nice cup of tea with my oldest.  I tickled the youngest and helped him get into bed.  My daughter is a little harder to deal with, because she has been programmed by my wife.

I have reached out to the family and discussed with them my wife's consequences for not finishing the program.  They are all in agreement.

I have scored a deal on Priceline for a hotel for the last three nights before the test.   

I am trying to line up massage appointments for two of those days.

So much is riding on this.  She can't see past her own needs.  She doesn't want to  and I know she can. She is very manipulative. 

But I am keeping my boundaries this week... . and for the future, too.

And thanks bpbreakout for the kind support.

[Surnia]

Yes, for children its a difficult situation too.

Great they have a good connection with your new afternoon helper.

I think you are doing a great job as a father. 

Sticking with your boundaries is something very important. It will help for the future.

Keep us posted.