Just served BPD husband of 25 years today--yikes

[The Mrs]

So after 25 years of marriage I had enough.  I left 8 months ago and have been in limbo.  Nothing had really changed.  He was playing with his meds taking them every other day or not at all.  We went to see a new Dr. And off the record the Dr. Told me that he could mellow my husband out but he could not change personality.  He also said that my husband showed no remorse for the position that he was in, took no responsibility for his present circumstances, and had no awareness of his participation in the process.  Tried to have dinner 4 nights ago at a restaurant and one moment things were ok and the next they were coming completely unrailed.  I asked my husband what do you want from me?  He said get some f'ing balls, some f'ing ovaries and call your attorney and get this done.  Or are you just going to run me into the ground and go for the insurance money?  Now, tonight, he had made a copy of the Divorce Complaint and a handwritten letter saying how all he has wanted is to work things out amicably without attorneys and without a war and drop it off at his sister's house, two of our children's house, and text the third one and let her know hers is in the mail.  Is this standard BPD manipulative response to being served 101?   And what might I expect next?  He has threatened in the past to air all my secrets and lies, oh and pictures, too, whatever that is all about... .

[catnap]

Amicable is not usually associated with people suffering with this disorder.  He is playing the victim--his meds for instance, not taking any responsibility for taking his meds properly, nor his behavior.  

They can respond in many different ways, but it doesn't surprise me that he is trying to make his sister and children believe he is the victim in all of this.  The threat to expose you is not uncommon either.  

Trying to talk reasonably with him is likely not going to work.  If you want to pursue the divorce, then advise your attorney that he is likely going to be obstructive in any way he can and what strategies would best work to keep him from dragging out the process.  

[The Mrs]

You are right, and thank you for your reply, reason and logic has gotten me/us no where.  He has twisted dates, conversations, chronology of events time and time again.  I need to keep reminding myself that it does no good to even try and explain or defend myself.  And yes, I do want to go through with this divorce.  This has been a long, difficult, heart wrenching decision made alongside the help and support of a therapist for nearly a year.  One individual once made an interesting comment to me:  Those people who play the victim are the most dangerous people on the planet because they believe it is okay and they feel justified in hurting people.  Hurt people hurt people.  This is why I am so determined to learn from my mistakes in this, own my part in this convoluted twisted enabling dance of 25 years, and begin to heal and grow again.  I don't want to be stuck in a bitter, angry or scared place for another 25 years.

[toomanytears]

You are right, and thank you for your reply, reason and logic has gotten me/us no where.  He has twisted dates, conversations, chronology of events time and time again.  I need to keep reminding myself that it does no good to even try and explain or defend myself.  And yes, I do want to go through with this divorce.  This has been a long, difficult, heart wrenching decision made alongside the help and support of a therapist for nearly a year.  One individual once made an interesting comment to me:  Those people who play the victim are the most dangerous people on the planet because they believe it is okay and they feel justified in hurting people.  Hurt people hurt people.  This is why I am so determined to learn from my mistakes in this, own my part in this convoluted twisted enabling dance of 25 years, and begin to heal and grow again.  I don't want to be stuck in a bitter, angry or scared place for another 25 years.

Hello Mrs

I'm getting out of a 31 year marriage to a BPDh and it is so helpful to read of others who stuck with a long relationship but are finaly bailing out. It all finished for me last August and the layers of my life are peeling back like an onion to reveal deception after deception.  Quite frankly I fully expect to find out he's been living a whole parallel life alongside us (d26 s21). I'm still grieving, grieving, grieving but mainly for the loss of our family life, which was, on the whole, very happy. But as you say, hurt people, hurt people. I know that the next 30 years would have been an increasing hell for me - judging by his father's continued abuse of his mother (both eldery). What I find especially hard is that my head just can't handle memories atm. It's like it has no place to go because it seems like a large part of my past was based on a bunch of lies. The only comfortable place for me is the future and moving on.

These boards are the best therapy. Thank you for sharing.

[NewWays]

Mrs and all... .

We all remember that moment when we searched all the way to the bottom of our souls and find ourselves knowing that continuing to try and look everywhere for that little piece of light that might be the 1st step for our spouse to heal, seek threapy and begin on a path to trying to repair all that had previously passed... . yet we know at that time that we can not go any further and we must do what we have to do... . to be honest with ourselves that we had lost any path to real hope and change a long time ago... . and we painfully know it is over.

I too tried yet for only 18 years but have now realized what you gained from your therapist is that hurt people... . hurt people!  We all look back and ask ourselves why... . and how?  How did I live with her 2nd year of our marriage statement that she has decided never to have children with me... . why did I put up with her affairs that were my fault that would not have happened if I had not caused all of the failure in our marriage and how could I be so blind until the Station Sargent's tap on my shoulder as I am holding an ice pack against my split cheek bone awating for the ER Doctor to come in and stitch it up.  The guilt and sham that hit me square in my reality when the Sargent further alerted me the ER medical staff had contacted his department when my admitting story and my injuries made no sense and they suspected that my injuries  to my cheek bone and my forearms and hands were deliberate done most likely by my spouse, in what was in reality her volcanic rage with one of my golf clubs after I had disengaged from the day to day insanity to try and walk my path.  I know it is a touch decision but I have attached below an article that is from a previous addition of Psychology that helps to show you a different perspective on this life event when you take a step back and try and decide what you are doing and where you are going... .

Take a read... .

Your life is a journey with lots of stops along the way and if you could have some idea what to expect, at least some of the time, you might feel a lot better about the whole thing. The image of life as a journey is so much a part of our language that we don’t even stop to think about it.

There are crossroads, back roads, peak experiences, mountains to climb, valleys of despair, deserts and oases, wildernesses and wastelands, rivers to cross, forks in the road, detours, dead ends, and the open road. They’re all descriptive of places we’ve been.

Wouldn’t it be nice to know beforehand what lies ahead in order to avoid an unpleasant, or difficult, or seemingly insurmountable, obstacle on our path?

Here are some basic ways to help you think about your journey and to help keep you grounded, especially when the unexpected happens:

Change, the constant rhythmic ebb and flow of events, is the rule and not the exception. Whether you like change or not, (and many people don’t), you at least know to expect something, and that makes the unpredictable more predictable

Transition is what you do with the changes that happen. Essentially, transition tells you that it’s time to move on, that you need to let go of someone or something. Transition implies taking action---externally or internally, or both--- as opposed to just letting things happen on their own.

What you’re leaving behind may be an old behavior or pattern, a part of your identity or status in which you were once very invested, or a relationship that no longer fits or honors you. An anticipated ending, and certainly one you’ve initiated, may be dealt with more smoothly and with less angst than an ending that surprises or shocks by its sudden appearance and dramatic presentation.

There are six recognizable stages that accompany transition:

…loss, uncertainty, discomfort, insight, understanding, and integration.

The accompanying emotions for these stages can run the gamut, depending on the individual and how they perceive and negotiate transitions. Essentially, the energy that has powered an outdated role, status, or persona needs to be released in order for it to be available for what you are to become.

This sense of loss may leave you wondering, “If I am not who I once thought I was, then who am I?” It may be necessary to take time to grieve for what once was first, before you move through the rest of the stages.

Not knowing is part of the process. Before you can find and anchor yourself to something new, you must go through a period of not knowing. You may know you are moving forward but you don’t know yet where you’re going. Making change implies a taking apart of the old and a putting together of the pieces of the new changed self.

The place of not knowing, where you don’t know where or how to belong because you are between identities, is also the place of your greatest potential. When all is stripped away from the identity that is “you,” the realization may hit that what you refer to as my life is just simply the core of who you are, your “real” self, wrapped in the “stuff of life,” all of the external things that make up life as you think about it. When this stuff is peeled away layer by layer, what’s left---who you are--- is all that really matters.

Question what you mean by reality. Many of us are invested in believing that what we experience as reality is fixed and absolute, probably because we feel reassured and safe when life continues in the same way it always has. But in fact, reality is illusory.

As you let go of the people and events to which you’ve been attached, you also let go of a thinking that has imbued these specific people and events with special significance and meaning. This is the process of stripping away the veil of idealism surrounding the world you’ve created for your own purposes, in order to reveal things as they truly are. So in the process of shifting your focus, shifting your consciousness begins.

Surround yourself with positive people who support and encourage you. Ditch the nay sayers: those who remind you about what went wrong, those who don’t support your choices and decisions, those who advise through fear. True friends are those available when you need them, those who will stick around for the long haul, no matter what.

Weigh your options. Before you take action, spend as much time as you need sorting out the problem and focusing on the possible solutions. If you’re not ready to make a decision, don’t do anything. Wait until the dust settles and you’re absolutely clear about what the necessary next step should be.

Here’s a good visual: If you’re walking down a road and the path is no longer clearly marked and it’s very possible that you might get lost---stop. Turn around and retrace your steps to where you began. If you don’t know where to go or what to do once you’re back on familiar territory, set up camp at the side of the road and wait. Don’t just take any old road. Wait until you have determined what the best course of action is and what’s the best path to take.

Draw upon your past experiences of transition. When you can view what once was with a perspective altered by time and distance you can see all that was for what it really is, rather than for what you wished it had been. Each re-view broadens your perspective on your life; the cumulative effect of this is learned wisdom.

Seek professional help if you need it. When you’ve done everything you possibly can on your own and you remain confused, mired in indecision, overwhelmed, anxious and/or depressed, it’s time to consult with a qualified professional to help you sort out the problem and help you take the first steps toward moving forward.

You will get through this. No matter how bleak things seem to be, change---that constant rhythmic flow of life---promises new twists and turns in the road, new frontiers, and new horizons. And possibly, what you had once thought absolutely necessary for your life is just a thing of the past.


NewWays

[letmeout]

I divorced my BPDh after 35 years because the older he got, the more dysregulated he became.

There were several amazing things I learned in divorcing my BPD person:

Their true colors come shining through that remind you why you have to get away from them.

Mine lied to me for 35 years and was very convincing with his deceptions.

He was never capable of feeling any love and compassion for anyone, he could only pretend.

He went on a damaging smear campaign that still continues even though we have been divorced more than 2 years and I maintain absolutely no contact with him.  

He found all of the legal loop holes to steal our assets so I barely got anything in the divorce.

His attempts at parental alienation went rampant and still continues to this day.

Now I can look back and laugh at the insanity of this craziest experience ever.

But I feel bad for the relatives, friends, our kids and grand-kids who are exposed to his mental illness.  

But you know what? I would go through the divorce all over again because living without a person like that in your life is the greatest blessing of all!

[ForeverDad]

He found all of the legal loop holes to steal our assets so I barely got anything in the divorce.

I was married 15 years before it became literally impossible.  I mistakenly thought having a child and watching him/her discover life would make her happy, it didn't, she just relived her her childhood fears through him and it got magnitudes worse.  Truism:  Having children, as wonderful as they are, does not fix a dysfunctional marriage, it only makes it vastly more complicated.

Be aware that courts somehow manage to empower the disordered spouse.  Another truism:  The spouse with poor behaviors seldom faces consequences and the spouse with reasonable behaviors seldom gets credit.  So don't expect court to able see the reasonable solutions and don't expect courts to be fair either.  They follow laws, case law, rules, procedures and policies that too often favor the uncooperative spouse.  Your attorney needs to be firm and assertive of your rights.  Keep the case moving, often delays are one of our biggest issues.  For example, my lawyer estimated our case with children would be 7-9 months, it was 23.5 months just to get to a final decree.  Since the settlement didn't work regarding custody and parenting time schedule, I spent more years getting those issues addressed.

But you know what? I would go through the divorce all over again because living without a person like that in your life is the greatest blessing of all!

Sadly, I have to agree.  As much as you, I and others wanted to make a success of our marriages, when the spouse is oppositional, obstructive, sabotaging, oppressive, emotionally crushing, rewriting history, blaming and shifting blame, outright lying, etc, well, there's no other choice than to protect yourself as best you can.

[The Mrs]

What a gift and heart warming treat to read all these replies and shared stories from those of you out there who really, truly know what it is like to live the BPD nightmare.  Thank you.  Yesterday morning my husband started the day by texting that he wanted me to call off my "lawsuit" against him, that he didn't have time in the next 20 days to get a lawyer, and they were just going to end up throwing him in jail, as a result of my serving him.   I simply replied that I do not have a history of making impulsive, knee jerk reactions or of saying or doing things I do not mean.  I was not going to do that.  I told him to contact my attorney (as he had advised me to do).  Then he tells me to contact my attorney!  And then for further good times he forwards this text dialogue to his sister and our 3 children, once again dragging, i.e, manipulating public opinion, and states that Mom is trying to put me in jail!  Stay tuned... .

[ForeverDad]

What in the world does jail have to do with divorce?  Does your filing contain allegations seeking actionable consequences for long term abuse?  Are you seeking spousal support that he doesn't intend to pay?

Clearly, he's posturing as the victim/target.  Typical blaming and blame-shifting.  He's trying to get his negative advocate supporters based on emotional 'facts' that have may at first seem convincing enough to get a reaction (such as a person screaming "fire!" in a theater) but no substance.

Do not be surprised if many of his relatives take his side.  Odds are your relatives won't.  Blood vs water.

Be sure to get Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger's essential handbook, available at Bill's website, Randi's website or Amazon and other websites... .

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

[letmeout]

He's trying to get his negative advocate supporters based on emotional 'facts' that have may at first seem convincing enough to get a reaction (such as a person screaming "fire!" in a theater) but no substance.

Mine was convinced I was trying to ruin his reputation by divorcing him. How clever that you put it that way about yelling fire, because that is exactly what mine did. He was yelling 'fire' at the top of his lungs to everyone within range.  He told family, friends and even strangers the most outrageous lies about me.  The continuous paranoid and delusional crazy talk would have won an Oscar if it had been an actor attempting that!

The day I walked out he actually quit his job of 30 years just so I wouldn't have health insurance, or get any spousal support. He also cashed in all the policies. Talk about cutting your nose off to spite your face.

[The Mrs]

Forever Dad:  This is just a simple Irreconciable Differences filing in a Community Property State after 25 years of marriage with no minor children.  A pretty simple divorce in all actuality, except in his mind I am not entitled to half or anywhere close to that and he doesn't want to hire an attorney of his own "cuz they can't be trusted" and he doesn't "have time in less than 20 days to find one "and if he doesn't respond to my summons he is convinced, well I take that back, he is trying to convince everybody else, that they will throw him in jail.  That's not going to happen, but you are right, he is clearly playing the victim card.  Already I can feel the tides shifting within the family... . the very people that feared for my physical safety and emotional well being are Allready starting to backslide.  He texted me several times today telling me to stop the lawsuit.  I am not going to do that.  That would be the hugest victory for him.  Thanks for the book tip... . I'm gonna look it up right now! 

[ForeverDad]

Do a search here too for comments and articles on "extinction bursts" and "emotional terrorists".  The level of demands, threats, intimidation and other aspects of conflict is rising now because he feels doing so can pressure you to shrink back just to avoid his reaction and overreaction.  But the real issue - his one-sided pattern of behaviors - won't go away without you setting firm boundaries for yourself.  So you'll have to weather the storm while standing up for yourself in order to make progress.  You can't change him but you can change you.

[nevaeh]

Married 18 years and together 24.  Soon to be separated (hopefully May 10) and then divorce to be filed shortly thereafter.

It is nice and reassuring to see that there are so many of us who stuck it out for so long.  Reassuring in a way that makes me not feel like I'm completely unreasonable and crazy for wanting this marriage to work out.

[toomanytears]

Married 18 years and together 24.  Soon to be separated (hopefully May 10) and then divorce to be filed shortly thereafter.

It is nice and reassuring to see that there are so many of us who stuck it out for so long.  Reassuring in a way that makes me not feel like I'm completely unreasonable and crazy for wanting this marriage to work out.

nevaeh. We arn't crazy. We're just not quitters. That's why we've hung on so long, looking for solutions, trying to make things better, in sickness and in health etc. This is just one thing that we can't beat.

I'm having a tough time at the moment - think I must be in stage 10 of the grieving process I seem to have gone through so many. Why did I waste so much of my life on such a charlatan? He really was the wizard of Oz. I'm trying to head back to Kansas but finding it hard. So glad there are others out there like me.

[letmeout]

in sickness and in health etc. This is just one thing that we can't beat.

That quote made me gag, it was one of the things my ex would throw in my face every time I tried to leave his crazy ass. He said "no matter how bad he acted (being sick in the head) that I had made a vow to put up with it and I could never break my vow!             

You will find Kansas nevaeh, it just takes time.

[nursemyBPD]

It is so good for ONCE to get this kind of validation, from others whose lives so mirror one another.  After 30 years of marriage, I too just separated from my uBPDh, 5 months ago. The article excerpt posted above by "NEWWAYS"  Was also very helpful, in giving you a visual roadmap to anticipate the transition stages to FREEDOM! I initially planned to wait 6 months after separation before filing for divorce. That seemed to be a good amount of time, to ensure my mind was clear enough to know I was making the right decision.

      I feel almost ashamed and naive knowing all that I learned about BPD to have thought in the first couple months of separation, that he would miraculously recognize and acknowledge my love, & worth, and FINALLY acknowledge that he was going to have to work on his behaviors in order to salvage our long term marriage. As you all KNOW, I was delusional. Instead, classic BPD behavior resulted, he first tried the smear campaign, along with my immediate replacement, that was later discovered to have likely began while we were still together. Honestly it still has my head spinning a bit, that he could dispose of me after 33 years together without a look back, and STILL never acknowledge ANY part in the marital demise.

     But just as the PSYCHOLOGY TODAY excerpt article above, I've gone through most of the grieving stages, and have accepted that it is over, and that I am OK with that, and even looking forward to my new life, NOT walking on eggshells. I commend and encourage all of you long term marriage folks to follow your gut, more than your heart when making your own decisions. Wish me luck but mostly prayers needed, once the actual divorce proceedings begin. I plan to begin the process beginning of June, as it will be 6 months. The good thing is we live in a community property state, and have no minor children, and no longer own real estate, but we do own a business together, and that has me a bit conflicted as, to how to best handle that. Part of me just wants to let him have it to avoid the hassle, but my gut tells me not to take the easy road out, and then  Regret that I didn't act on my best behalf, out of fear of conflict that I have now been relieved of since our separation. I am so conflict free right now, I dread re immersion into his BPD world?

[thinkingthinking]

Just divorced (~8 months ago) after 22 years of marriage to dBPDh, and so many of the posts above hit home.  However misguided it was, we all tried to be the caretaker, peacemaker, fixer.

My exBPDh's behavior during the divorce, including calling/texting 20 to 30 times per hour, a suicide attempt, and other erratic outbursts, actually made it clear that I needed to proceed.  I believe this was like the "extinction bursts" referred to by ForeverDad.  Be prepared for the possibility that every step in the process may trigger him, and have a plan for how to respond (not react).

The "post-divorce" months have been difficult.  Trying to figure out what my new normal is, and how to care about myself for a change. At the same time, I have to look back and acknowledge that there were good times and good things about him that I miss.  If I don't acknowledge that, then I've detached from the condition, but not from the person.

Give yourself time... . 25 years is a long time, so you deserve some peace!

[The Mrs]

As I suspected, on the last and final day my husband finally "found the time in his busy schedule" to hire an attorney and respond to the filing. 

Prior to that, he would text 15 or more times in less than an hour and shoot off 6 or more emails an evening.  All about all the value he brought to the marriage and all the things he should be given "credits" for.  We have been married for 25 years, we live in a community property state, when we married I, at age 24 left my doctoral program, and took on the full time care of his 3 1/2 and 6 year old.  We were, and did, build a family. 

He's also sent pages of line items as to all the improvements he has done to our primary residence (which he still occupies)  which he feels he should be given credits.

I joked with my attorney, at this rate I'll be owing him $$ for room and board for the last 25 years! 

[toomanytears]

As I suspected, on the last and final day my husband finally "found the time in his busy schedule" to hire an attorney and respond to the filing. 

Prior to that, he would text 15 or more times in less than an hour and shoot off 6 or more emails an evening.  All about all the value he brought to the marriage and all the things he should be given "credits" for.  We have been married for 25 years, we live in a community property state, when we married I, at age 24 left my doctoral program, and took on the full time care of his 3 1/2 and 6 year old.  We were, and did, build a family. 

He's also sent pages of line items as to all the improvements he has done to our primary residence (which he still occupies)  which he feels he should be given credits.

I joked with my attorney, at this rate I'll be owing him $$ for room and board for the last 25 years! 

Yup get out your credit card.  That sense of entitlement... .

[Iforget]

Wow, wow. I'm so glad I came back to the site and saw this. I hadn't been here in awhile. My head has been to full lately. I'm planning on leaving/divorcing udBPD spouse of 21 years. My best friend likes to say, you can't fix crazy. It's validating to hear from others going through the same. Thanks.

[letmeout]

The good thing is we live in a community property state, and have no minor children, and no longer own real estate, but we do own a business together, and that has me a bit conflicted as, to how to best handle that. Part of me just wants to let him have it to avoid the hassle, but my gut tells me not to take the easy road out, and then  Regret that I didn't act on my best behalf, out of fear of conflict that I have now been relieved of since our separation. I am so conflict free right now, I dread re immersion into his BPD world?

Stick to your guns and fight for what is yours! After 35 years of marriage I found that divorcing a BPD was the worse nightmare of my life. Through his constant outrageous lies and manipulations he was awarded almost everything. I think my attorney and the divorce mediator gave up trying because he wast oo crazy to deal with, and I think they were afraid he would target them next.

Their only words of comfort were that "At least you got that crazy person out of your life and you can start over again". Some comfort that is when you start over dirt poor in your mid 50's.

I am grateful that they got the crazy person out of my life, but I still miss my house, my dog, my kid's childhood pictures and other things that I should have but don't. Still, I am happier without the ex! 

[toomanytears]

Wow, wow. I'm so glad I came back to the site and saw this. I hadn't been here in awhile. My head has been to full lately. I'm planning on leaving/divorcing udBPD spouse of 21 years. My best friend likes to say, you can't fix crazy. It's validating to hear from others going through the same. Thanks.

Iforget

This is the place that helps me most so I don't forget.  My problem is that when my emotional side gets the better of me - especially after a couple of glasses of wine -  I forget all the bad stuff and try reach out to my lost life - that didn't really exist. Reading these posts reminds me of what I have, thankfully, left behind. Just got to do the paperwork now... . Welcome back!

[toomanytears]

The good thing is we live in a community property state, and have no minor children, and no longer own real estate, but we do own a business together, and that has me a bit conflicted as, to how to best handle that. Part of me just wants to let him have it to avoid the hassle, but my gut tells me not to take the easy road out, and then  Regret that I didn't act on my best behalf, out of fear of conflict that I have now been relieved of since our separation. I am so conflict free right now, I dread re immersion into his BPD world?

Stick to your guns and fight for what is yours! After 35 years of marriage I found that divorcing a BPD was the worse nightmare of my life. Through his constant outrageous lies and manipulations he was awarded almost everything. I think my attorney and the divorce mediator gave up trying because he wast oo crazy to deal with, and I think they were afraid he would target them next.

Their only words of comfort were that "At least you got that crazy person out of your life and you can start over again". Some comfort that is when you start over dirt poor in your mid 50's.

I am grateful that they got the crazy person out of my life, but I still miss my house, my dog, my kid's childhood pictures and other things that I should have but don't. Still, I am happier without the ex! 

Letmeout- your story scares me. I'm the middle of divorce proceedings and my BPDH is stalling on financial disclosure. How did your BPD manage to take everything?

[letmeout]

The day I left my ex he quit his job so I wouldn't have health insurance and he wouldn't have to pay any support. He also cashed out all of our policies and retirements and claimed to have spent the money. Apparently there is nothing you can do to recoup spent money. He also gifted a lot of money to his brothers (they were actually just holding it for him).   

There is nothing a BPD won't do to put the screws to you as revenge because of their abandonment issues.

Mine found every legal loophole available to steal everything, and he succeeded. Maybe yours will not be so smart or maybe your lawyer will be better than mine was!

[ForeverDad]

My ex didn't work - or didn't work much.  Court never required her to turn in her financials, not once in over 8 years.  So the court just imputed her with minimum wage.  It didn't lower my child support by much.  After 8 years I recently started majority time.  Surprise, the court ruled that (now with me as potential receiver) without financials no child support could be ordered.

If he quit work then court ought to impute income that could be earned.  There was a case in California where a doctor quit and started working in a restaurant flipping burgers.  Court just imputed his potential income anyway, he wasn't able to avoid support.  Of course calculation criteria are different from state to state.

[letmeout]

He took on a minimum wage job to avoid that, saying he couldn't get anything better at his age. Ha. The whole divorce settlement was totally in his favor and feel it had a lot to do with nobody wanting to deal with his irrational personality anymore. At the time I just felt lucky to get him out of my life.

[Iforget]

Your stories are scarring me. I can't work due to poor health. I'm hoping after leaving I will improve enough to at least to work part-time. Long ago I was a nurse. But because I gave up my career so he could pursue his (lots of travel) I won't be able to return to that. It makes me so angry. It was always about him and what he wanted. Now I am 50 and don't seem to have many options. Just checked credit card account. Two days till Bill is past due. Tick tock.

[toomanytears]

The day I left my ex he quit his job so I wouldn't have health insurance and he wouldn't have to pay any support. He also cashed out all of our policies and retirements and claimed to have spent the money. Apparently there is nothing you can do to recoup spent money. He also gifted a lot of money to his brothers (they were actually just holding it for him).   

There is nothing a BPD won't do to put the screws to you as revenge because of their abandonment issues.

Mine found every legal loophole available to steal everything, and he succeeded. Maybe yours will not be so smart or maybe your lawyer will be better than mine was!

Thanks for the warning. The only reason I can think of why BPDH is stalling is so he has time to hide or spend his cash.  I've been waiting for him to lodge the decree nisi for weeks now. I think I should have counter petitioned him once I found out about his affairs. My lawyer said it would be a waste of money, but now that he's gone quiet it's still going to be a waste of money... .

[ForeverDad]

I might be wrong, but if you have filed for divorce already then I believe any actions he takes to squander or hide assets would have to be taken into account when setting support and when the court gets around to the financial division of assets and debts.  If he has squandered or hidden assets, then you should get credit.  If he has created debt not related to marital expenses such as mortgage, utilities, insurance, etc then he should be debited for that.

Of course court will want you two to settle on financial issues.  If you think you're being shortchanged then don't settle, let the judge see all the inequities and have the judge be a judge, not a settlement processor.