Confronting them about the lies

[Perdita]

What are your experiences with this?

I've known for a long time that my BPbf lies, but kept my mouth shut so as not to rock the boat.  Finally a month ago I didn't keep quiet about catching him in a lie. 

I knew he was lying about where he was going. When he got back I asked him where he had been and he lied again. I then led him to believe someone phoned me and told me that they saw him with another woman at a restaurant (yup once again his pedestal girl I have mentioned on here before).  He admitted it right away, but didn't apology and showed no remorse. We had a horrible argument about this.  He never apologized for any of it and pretends it never happened.

About a week later he lied to me about something related to his drug use.  Long story short, he changed his story twice within an hour.  Two completely different versions.  One message to my fb inbox and the other told to me over the phone. Both angry and so convincing that I would have believed it if it wasn't so obvious he was lying.  When I pointed out to him what his original version of the story was, he blew up.  He send me another fb message and said he doesn't have to explain or justify anything to me and can do what he wants.  I told him he does have to explain why he lied especially about something he said he won't lie about anymore.  After that we didn't speak for over a week.

He hasn't mentioned it since then.  No apology.  Nothing.  It's as if it never happened.  I can't trust anything he says anymore. 

Is this how the BP person in your life handles it when they are confronted about their lies?  Denial and anger, followed by justification and more anger and, finally pretending none of it ever happened.

[js friend]

Hi Perdita,

My ex husband udBPD would often behave in exactly the same way as you describe when I confronted his lies. He would turn it round on me... . accuse me of judging him, start shouting and being foul mouthed and then nearly always  always walk out... . sometimes he would even drive away at high speed with tyres screeching... . I could never bring it up  with him again without the same happening again, and all the 12 years I was with him I never recieved an apology for his behaviour so nothing was ever resolved and i learnt to walk on eggshells.

Now my udxdd19 lies too and I confronted her about them the other day... . I had really had enough and wrote her an email. I Gave the instances recently when i knew she  had lied and just told her that I didnt think that we could have a honest r/s built on trust if she carried on lying... . Her response to my email was just one word... .   "ok". I was suprised to even get a response from her so I left it a few days for this to sink in.Never heard anything more from her so Eventually I contacted her as normal... . i havent brought it up with her again since but without knowing for sure I think she has toned down the lying when she speaks to me. I cant put my finger on it... . i just believe that she has and im glad that i sent that email as i think she really needed a wake up call as she was becoming very blatant with the lies, and i dont think that i had evr really confronted her before with a whole range of them. Usually it was just the odd one or two... . and then pwBPD are so good and quick at getting themselves out of situations when confronted that i would often end up confused or doubting myself. anyway during the time that I didnt hear from dd after i sent the email A family memebr told me that in the days after dd had been on the phone to telling people that I was angry with her and wasnt speaking to her!... . yet i dont think that the tone of the email was angry at all... . just fed up with it all... . but i guess thats how my dd interpreted it... . instead of self reflection, it was blame  the other person again... . so yep... . yet  again i was made out to be the bad guy.

[Perdita]

Hi Perdita,

Hello js friend 

My ex husband udBPD would often behave in exactly the same way as you describe when I confronted his lies. He would turn it round on me... . accuse me of judging him, start shouting and being foul mouthed and then nearly always  always walk out

So the tactic is basically to say they aren't accountable to anyone, blame us and make us feel bad.  In all of this they are probably hoping to distract from the real issue.  I have even apologized to mine in the past when I knew full well he was lying.  My goal since I started confronting him is to be conscious about not apologizing to him when it should be the other way around. 

I don't make a fuss about the insignificant lies, but maybe I should?

and all the 12 years I was with him I never recieved an apology for his behaviour so nothing was ever resolved and i learnt to walk on eggshells.

Maybe they feel they will lose control over us if they admit being wrong?  Mine apologized once and you know what?  I can't even remember anymore what it was about.  Such is the power of an apology. The incident was dealt with and is forgotten.

i havent brought it up with her again since but without knowing for sure I think she has toned down the lying when she speaks to me. I cant put my finger on it... . i just believe that she has

4 months ago I asked my bf in a very casual non-confrontational way to not lie about the drugs anymore.  I know he goes out and scores and all that.  My request was that he didn't have to tell me about any of that, but simply not to make up lies to try and cover it up.  In other words, go do what you are going to do and don't tell me anything about it rather than telling a lie.  He agreed and I thought I had gotten through to him. Well, clearly it never stopped.   

she was becoming very blatant with the lies, and i dont think that i had evr really confronted her before with a whole range of them. Usually it was just the odd one or two... . and then pwBPD are so good and quick at getting themselves out of situations when confronted that i would often end up confused or doubting myself.

Mine also lies about things that are immediately apparent.  I too often get confused and doubt myself.  That's why I now keep a journal when I think he is lying.  I can go back and read it later.  It has helped me keep my sanity as I know I can't count on him to be truthful.  Maybe one day I'll be able to... .

anyway during the time that I didnt hear from dd after i sent the email A family memebr told me that in the days after dd had been on the phone to telling people that I was angry with her and wasnt speaking to her!... . yet i dont think that the tone of the email was angry at all... . just fed up with it all... . but i guess thats how my dd interpreted it... . instead of self reflection, it was blame  the other person again... . so yep... . yet  again i was made out to be the bad guy.

  Sorry it didn't work out the way you had hoped.  I know it is frustrating when you think you've gotten through to them and then end up being blamed.  She's still very young and I would think that confronting her is probably better than ignoring the problem.  She won't recover if everything is constantly swept under the rug.  I hope she really has cut back on the lies.

Thanks for sharing.

[js friend]

Perdita I do think that it worked out the way that intended it to. Her  blaming me  is something that didnt suprise me at all as she has being doing it for so long now... .

I wrote it becuse i wanted my dd to stop and think. sometimes the written word is stronger than the spoken one especailly when our pwbod are so good at changing reality to suit their own needs.That email made my dd stop and think.

Shes probably deleted it by now... . but if not it will be something that she can look back on.  

Oh and btw the journal is a great idea to preserve your sanity! i used to keep one until i had too much to write in it

[Perdita]

Perdita I do think that it worked out the way that intended it to. Her  blaming me  is something that didnt suprise me at all as she has being doing it for so long now... .

I hope she really is thinking carefully about it and hopefully even asking herself why she lies when she finds herself doing so.  A lot of it is probably just habit and it will take a while to unlearn if she really wants to.

I wrote it becuse i wanted my dd to stop and think. sometimes the written word is stronger than the spoken one

I agree. That's why I have written so many, but now I feel it was wasted hours as in my case I don't see an improvement.  Hopefully you will have much better luck.  Like I said, she's still young and the sooner someone with BP can be helped the better.

Oh and btw the journal is a great idea to preserve your sanity! i used to keep one until i had too much to write in it

  You should see mine.  Looks like a crab wrote it, but I just don't have time to write in my usual neat handwriting.  Too much to write.

[upsidedown_world]

I think BPD's lie and believe it's ok because they can't tolerate the root truths that they feel about themselves.  Hence lies become a way of life, a convenience of no real consequence.  That is unless YOU lie - then it's a horse of a different color.  Then it's very much about betrayal of trust.

I had a marriage counselor once tell me that my wife was quite possibly not capable of reliably telling the truth, that compulsive lying was often a part of the presentation.  My wife has told me that she had to lie so much in her youth to cover for her father repeatedly sexually abusing her and the damage it was doing in her life that she just thought it was a way of life.

So if you want a relationship based on mutual trust... . well, I guess the writing is probably on the wall.