Feeling really bad today

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Really struggling today... . he hasnt contacted...

I feel even worse today than yestetday

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Really struggling today... . he hasnt contacted...

I feel even worse today than yestetday

[Infared]

This is by far the hardest thing to accept about BPD: that your pwBPD is never going to love you in the way you desperately want them to.  The idealization phase of the relationship is so overwhelmingly positive and such an incredibly loaded bond if formed, that we just can't believe that this other person, our soulmate, doesn't feel the same way about us as we do about them.  When things start to break down, and they inevitably do, we try EVERYTHING to make the relationship work - to keep it going.  We give in to them time and time again.  We break all boundaries and tolerate behavior far beyond anything acceptable.  All in an effort to get back the person we knew in the idealization phase who looked at us with the most adoring, even idolizing eyes.  The person who made us feel better about ourselves than we have EVER felt before.  It is a devastating realization that it's never going to come back.

Please don't be hard on yourself about this.  This experience may be the most difficult struggle of your life.  Read how many people have been left completely broken and crushed by a relationship with a pwBPD.  Story after story after story on this forum and elsewhere.  BPD is a tragic disorder.  It causes tremendous pain and suffering for EVERYONE involved, most of all the pwBPD.  It's ok to want to try again.  Sometimes we need to see if there is a way to make things work after all.  I certainly needed to do that myself.

Do you have any close friends or family that can help you through this difficult time?  Do you have a therapist to talk with about your feelings and struggles in detaching?  A support network is so helpful in as hard a time as this. 

I can tell you that things do get easier.  I am approaching 100 days and the emotional intensity has lessened somewhat.  I did a very helpful exercise today too.  I wrote a letter to my ex - a goodbye letter.  A letter where I said all the things that have been left unsaid to her.  I held nothing back - the good and the bad.  What I cherished about us and what I regretted.  I told her that I forgive her and I hope that she can forgive me my mistakes too.  That I hope that there can be peace and reconciliation between us.  I said everything that has been on my mind these past few months - all the things I have so badly wanted to tell her.  I wrote it all down, but I won't ever send it to her.  Just getting it out, however, was incredibly liberating.  It was cleansing.  Maybe a similar exercise might help you.

Hang in there, HBR.  This is a very difficult and rocky path to climb, but you can and will make it over the mountain and into the green valley of detachment.  Keep going.  Things will get better!   

HurtBeyondRepair,

Cosmonaut has REALLY nailed the crux of the matter here. (Thanks Cosmo) The idealization phase is very powerful.  More powerful than I realized. This description is exactly what I experienced.  The pain is like nothing that I ever experienced. I have deep abandonment issues (I did not know until I got into therapy after she left) and I think BPDs seek out certain people to work their charms on. My need for that connection was VERY powerful.

At any rate, loosing the "illusion" of this person AND the person when they abruptly ran off  with another person (for me) was just DEVASTATING. I also want to tell you that you can get thru this with lots of support. I got as much support as I could find. Therapy, group therapy, I rejoined a self help group for my addiction issues.  In short I got as much help and support as I possibly could.   I see that you are seeking this out... . just keep going.  My BPD just flicked the switch... . and that was it. I was in the past for them.  Dealing with that devastation is serious stuff on our end.  Mine was life threatening.  I was having panic attacks and did not sleep a wink for 2 months... . but my desperate need directed in healthy direction (not self-destructive ones)... . made the difference and saved my life.  Just keep moving in a direction of self love and build a support network. Take it one day at a time, one minute at a time if you need to.  you can get thru this, but not alone.  Coming to this forum is great, too. Just concentrate on you loving you right now. You are all you have... . and I found that over time that that was not a bad thing and I learned to love myself (in a healthy way)... . you can do that TOO! Just keep taking those small positive steps in the loving direction.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thanks infared... . He has some girl all over him on fb right now...

She doesnr live in this state... . but still...

Im sure im a thing of the past already

And im really hurt since we just had sex

I feel so down right now... . I feel so hurt.

I wish he would have been honest when I saw him...

Not just take what he could.

It doesnt feel good at all.

[Perdita]

The idealization phase of the relationship is so overwhelmingly positive and such an incredibly loaded bond if formed, that we just can't believe that this other person, our soulmate, doesn't feel the same way about us as we do about them.

   

All in an effort to get back the person we knew in the idealization phase who looked at us with the most adoring, even idolizing eyes. 

My BPbf even said to me a few months ago "I wish we could go back to the time when we didn't know so much about each other".  That really sums up a lot of what goes through their heads when it comes to relationships.  They build the person they are with up to such an unrealistically high level... . we can't help but "fail" in meeting their expectations once they have gotten to know us well.   

[Perdita]

I feel so down right now... . I feel so hurt.

I wish he would have been honest when I saw him...

Not just take what he could.

It doesnt feel good at all.

HBR, I know you are posting this on the "Leaving board", but is this indeed what you want to do?  You sound undecided to me.  It is completely up to you what you want to do, but I think you will get more out of this board once you decide where you stand with this relationship.  If you want to leave, people will be better able to give you advice on how to break that bond.  If you stay, you can be helped to try and improve things.  If undecided, then you can count on sympathetic hearts and ears to support you through that too.

There is no right or wrong decision.  Only what is in your heart.  You will be supported here no matter what you decide.  Take a day or two and be very honest with yourself about what you want.

[Ihope2]

I can relate to what Infared says:  you have to almost "cut out your own heart" while it is still beating. Sounds grim, I know, but this is how I felt/feel.  I had to sever the bond.  There was not going to be a healthier way for me.  I had to and still have to stop focussing on my BPD SO and start putting all the focus on my self and that hurt and damaged inner child inside of me.

HurtBeyondRepair, your name speaks volumes - please attend to your own deeply hurt inner child.  She is calling out to you to love her, and help her to find healing.

[Infared]

I can relate to what Infared says:  you have to almost "cut out your own heart" while it is still beating. Sounds grim, I know, but this is how I felt/feel.  I had to sever the bond.  There was not going to be a healthier way for me.  I had to and still have to stop focussing on my BPD SO and start putting all the focus on my self and that hurt and damaged inner child inside of me.

HurtBeyondRepair, your name speaks volumes - please attend to your own deeply hurt inner child.  She is calling out to you to love her, and help her to find healing.

IHope2

It is good to have validation of our feelings here. I remember at one point before no contact, I talked to my pwBPD (who started another relationship and ran off a week before Xmas out of our live-in 5-yr. relationship saying she met the person after she left) and she is with this other person, which was clearly destroying me, and she expects me to be the same caring loving person that I was when we were together. She starts to tell me about the problems in her relationship with the new guy, like we had just watched a movie together and were going over the details. She was COMPLETELY unaware of how devastating this was to me and was actually looking for the support and insight that I always had offered when we were together to help her with the guy she had cheated on me with.   There was NO awareness of the possibility that this would be hurtful to me. Complete disconnect. This is when I realized something was very wrong. There was this psychotic self-centeredness that was almost impossible to comprehend. I started to do some research and solely began to understand that this person was BPD, a term I was unfamiliar with. Very painful to learn that they are really sick and so was I and all I could do was work on me.  REALLY tough stuff, but getting honest about the situation and getting as much info as I could was key to my healing.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I want this pain to go away. I dunno why I have done this to myself. I should have known

he didn't truly care.

I didn't want to believe it.

[rougeetnoir]

One of the things that it seems many of the people on this board have in common is that we turn inward and blame ourselves.  Whether it is because of trauma, FOO issues, medical issues, etc. we do it.  It's paralyzing. 

You made a mistake-- a mistake based on feelings (loneliness, neediness) that everyone has, you are human.  The terrible repercussions aren't your fault.  They are a consequence of being human.

It is easy to say forgive yourself.  I rarely do. But keep that in mind.  It feels like it is all your fault.  It isn't. 

[Narellan]

My ex calls himself a nomad. And he travels 2/3 of the year in his caravan. But through FB he tries to make contacts for his next port of call. He has no male friends.

I totally understand the sex pull. I was addicted to it with him. Anywhere anytime he didn't even have to look at me i could just feel that sexual chemistry. He commented about this too. Sometimes I wouldn't act on it, like when we were driving somewhere, but he'd later say " god when we were in the car this morning the pull to touch and kiss you was so strong I could barely drive. I just wanted to stop the car and touch you" that was a two way connection. And I've never had that in my life before. We were still in the honeymoon period, I just couldn't get enough, him too. That was mostly when he idealised me about waiting his whole life for me.

I have to NC now, every time I see him I end up in bed with him. It's ridiculous.

Now I think I can resist him (8 weeks NC tomorro) but I doubt myself sometimes. The thing is he's unattractive physically, most of my friends just can't understand it. Neither can I actually, but for me it was a body and soul connection I've never felt before.

Don't be upset by connecting with him again. It's what we all want. But bottom line it's bad for us and only distance will help us avoid it. You have to decide if that bit of kinky pleasure is worth what you're suffering now. I think you're doing really well, and you're asking yourself all the right questions. Big hugs 

[Narellan]

By the way, side note mine was "extremely passionate", his words. He used to bite me so hard he'd break the skin and I'd be bruised and swollen. At the time I liked it, but looking back now out of his spell I think sometimes he really just wanted to hurt me.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I want to let go. It just kills me... I Just did 22 days of nc and then failed horribly. I feel like I am back at square one. What bothers me is I am out of his league too... . hes attractive... but he's overweight and doesnt take care of himself... Alot of my friends don't get it either... I love his face though.

I don't get why he treats me like an option.

It really makes me question my worth... I know my worth should not be based on him... . but I never thought he would hurt me like this.

I am hurt, mostly, bc we were friends first. I trusted him and we were very close.

Never in a million years thought he would treat me this way. I trusted him.

[Narellan]

And so lesson learned, you can't trust him. He's ill. And spontaneous and impulsive. What can you do to protect yourself next time? For me I can't have any contact, or I'd be pulled back in.

Do lots of reading. Grieve the end of the relationship and feel how much stronger you are in time. It's a good feeling, but it's taken me months to move to this point. Try taking some bit b stress tablets. Take several. They stop the ruminating and beating myself up for me. That might help you. Other than that it's just time. Time and NC. I truly know how u feel, it was only a few weeks ago I was there too. Be strong honey. Accept your mistakes and learn from them. My whole life has been turned upside down but it's now on a much better clearer path. 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thanks I'm just really struggling. He hasn't contacted at all. It really hurts, since we just had sex.

It illuminates how expendable I am to him

[Banshee]

Hurtbeyondrepair27...

Please listen to Narellan, she has the most calming and sweet hearted words... everything she says is spot on.

I can feel your pain get some more days of no contact behind you ... please stop looking at his facebook sweetie... it hurts enough in our own minds no need to have photos to interfere in your healing ...

[Narellan]

Thank you Banshee   I'm so glad I found this site. It's been my lifeline. And I love learning from everyone's posts and sharing my own experience.

HBR today us a down day for you. We all still have them. Do not contact him for support, you won't get any. Keep talking on here and cry it out. Contacting him will make you feel so much worse at this point and he will love that. You have to act like it was just a shag to you too. Don't give him any more power over you. And read my posts re the photos. Hopefully you'll find some peace. We are all here for you sweetie xxx

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thanks Banshee. Wish I could just erase him right now.

I love him... care about him... romantic stuff aside. really hard.

I am struggling so GD hard right now.

[Narellan]

Honey you just need to cry it out. I love and care about my exBPD too. I probably always will. But he's not good for me. And I can't have him in my life in any way shape or form. Especially under the guise of "friendship" while he f#cks my best friend and posts sh#t on FB about how he's never been happier. We need to protect ourselves from the continuing to rub salt into our wounded hearts at every opportunity. You won't see that yet, you are still stuck, but in time maybe you can put some things into place to protect you. 

[Perdita]

I want this pain to go away. I dunno why I have done this to myself. I should have known

he didn't truly care.

I didn't want to believe it.

HBR, it sounds like you are ready (or as ready as one can be) to start to detach.  You said he has been chatting up a girl on fb and you haven't heard back from him.  Look at this as a good thing if you have decided on NC from now on.  Use this time to start working on the detachment process.   

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

He unblocked me which je said he would do... But talking about

Some girl he has a "crush" on at work. Just so very confused why he would

Sleep with me, act a certain way then know I sould see his page talking

About her.

I know iv said it over and over but its bc the pain im in over it.

I just feel so used and hurt. I want to get over,it... .

I dont want the pain associated with,it.

[AimingforMastery]

Hurtbeyondrepair,

This may not be much use, and I apologise if so, but he is ill. Period.

I don't think you deserve that kind of pain in your life.

Hope that helps... .

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thanks man... I am going to try and move on.

[AimingforMastery]

You bet, welcome!

How can we have a relationship with someone who has little sense of self? Arguably, there is no one there.