Is there a way to get her back?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi people,

first of all I'd like to thank you all for the precious informations shared on this board.

I'm a 34 yo guy from Italy (sorry for my bad english, usually I speak italian).

I started my relationship with my ex BPDgf a couple of years ago. It took 6 months to win her... . I really thought she was the one: she was beautiful, sensual and smart.

After a couple of months her behaviour started to seem truly bizarre. There was a lot of anger in her and I was always feeling guilty for things I haven't done. Usual stuff like gaslighting, projection and frequent mood swings were also present.

At that time I didn't know anything about BPD... . and after 5 months of this on/off relationship she left me and disappeared.

After 3 painful months she contacted me and started to triangulate, because my replacement was dumping her.

I didn't know about him and I accepted to see her. We had sex and then, after few days, she was nearly living at my house.

I was the happiest person in the world, for a couple of months we had great sex and loved each other.

Then the weird behaviour started again... . she was in T and confessed me that she have BPD. She doesn't cut herself but all the other sympthoms were present.

I read a lot about it and I tried to be the most supportive guy she ever met, cause I would like to make her trust me.

I think I've done a great job and we became very intimate... . but it lasted only few months... . her needs became more extreme and my tolerance level dropped.

Two months ago I left her, but she was begging me to try again and I gave her one more opportunity. I wanted her to be more independent.

After 10 days (while she was saying I was the love of her life) she dumped me out of the blue. My replacement was already lined up.

Then I called her to swap our stuff. She postponed week after week and then, after a month, I had to force her to do this thing, waiting her coming back from work in front of her house... . she was so angry and throw all my stuff in the middle of the street. I was astonished. She left me, she said she didn't love me and then she was acting like I've done all of that... . unbelivable.

Right now, I'm struggling with my mental state of mind. I get to be in T and I get to be on meds. I never felt so used and manipulated.

I removed her and her friends from facebook and I'm trying to focus on myself staying no contact. She owe me 800€ and I write her an email about this. But she has not answered yet.

Some days later, I was really upset and I posted a link about BPD (without any reference to her) on fb and when she found it out (I don't know how) tried to call me about 50 times and sent me some bad messages. I replayed some days later telling her to delete my phone number.

That's my experience with BPD and the funny thing is that if she come back I'll probably take her back... . she's like heroine.

In the meantime I'm re-building my self-worth and I'm trying to stay strong in order to heal as fast as possible. I'm working on my self-esteem issues to avoid any co-dependency anymore.

BPD is a terrible disorder which not only affect the person who does have it but also the people who love them and care for them. It sucks.

My question are: is it really over? Do you see any possibility to fix this thing? How should behave with my ex? Will she ever change or almost get better? She has done 4 years DBT therapy but she is still a mess... .

Thanks

[edgarcrema]

Hi people,

first of all I'd like to thank you all for the precious informations shared on this board.

I'm a 34 yo guy from Italy (sorry for my bad english, usually I speak italian).

I started my relationship with my ex BPDgf a couple of years ago. It took 6 months to win her... . I really thought she was the one: she was beautiful, sensual and smart.

After a couple of months her behaviour started to seem truly bizarre. There was a lot of anger in her and I was always feeling guilty for things I haven't done. Usual stuff like gaslighting, projection and frequent mood swings were also present.

At that time I didn't know anything about BPD... . and after 5 months of this on/off relationship she left me and disappeared.

After 3 painful months she contacted me and started to triangulate, because my replacement was dumping her.

I didn't know about him and I accepted to see her. We had sex and then, after few days, she was nearly living at my house.

I was the happiest person in the world, for a couple of months we had great sex and loved each other.

Then the weird behaviour started again... . she was in T and confessed me that she have BPD. She doesn't cut herself but all the other sympthoms were present.

I read a lot about it and I tried to be the most supportive guy she ever met, cause I would like to make her trust me.

I think I've done a great job and we became very intimate... . but it lasted only few months... . her needs became more extreme and my tolerance level dropped.

Two months ago I left her, but she was begging me to try again and I gave her one more opportunity. I wanted her to be more independent.

After 10 days (while she was saying I was the love of her life) she dumped me out of the blue. My replacement was already lined up.

Then I called her to swap our stuff. She postponed week after week and then, after a month, I had to force her to do this thing, waiting her coming back from work in front of her house... . she was so angry and throw all my stuff in the middle of the street. I was astonished. She left me, she said she didn't love me and then she was acting like I've done all of that... . unbelivable.

Right now, I'm struggling with my mental state of mind. I get to be in T and I get to be on meds. I never felt so used and manipulated.

I removed her and her friends from facebook and I'm trying to focus on myself staying no contact. She owe me 800€ and I write her an email about this. But she has not answered yet.

Some days later, I was really upset and I posted a link about BPD (without any reference to her) on fb and when she found it out (I don't know how) tried to call me about 50 times and sent me some bad messages. I replayed some days later telling her to delete my phone number.

That's my experience with BPD and the funny thing is that if she come back I'll probably take her back... . she's like heroine.

In the meantime I'm re-building my self-worth and I'm trying to stay strong in order to heal as fast as possible. I'm working on my self-esteem issues to avoid any co-dependency anymore.

BPD is a terrible disorder which not only affect the person who does have it but also the people who love them and care for them. It sucks.

My question are: is it really over? Do you see any possibility to fix this thing? How should behave with my ex? Will she ever change or almost get better? She has done 4 years DBT therapy but she is still a mess... .

Thanks

[Waifed]

Why would you want to be with someone that abuses you?  If she is in DBT then she is probably aware of her actions to some extent.  Unfortunately, she is not good for you.  She needs to be with someone who she can control and manipulate, someone who doesn't set boundaries with her and doesn't care if she is not faithful.  You do not want to be that person do you?  It is very addicting, but if you set boundaries for yourself and stick to them you can recover from this and move on to a less chaotic relationship.

[edgarcrema]

Well, I think I am addicted to her. Maybe I miss the honeymoon phase and the idealization... . it was something I've never experienced before. We were attracted each other like magnets... . Amazing sex, talking so much, having fun together all the time. A symbiotic relationship. But it lasted only few months... . then the abuse started. I know I should run away, but it is so painful. I would like to know if it is possible, with this kind of girl, to have a stable relationship and how to achieve that. 

[Yogeek]

I can only relate my own experience, I can't say that your r/s will be like mine, or that your girl is like mine, or that your results will be in any way similar.

With that in mind, I can completely relate to the "honeymoon" phase you describe. The awesome sex, having fun, intense attraction, long deep conversations that are easy to sustain, ridiculously long list of common interests, etc. My ex felt like the perfect match for me. But from the beginning, red flags were all over the place. I was a replacement, she triangulated me and the guy I was replacing (good friend of mine), there was gaslighting and whenever I tried to pull away from her I was painted black. But that feeling of having found my soulmate always won out and I could never let her go. I spent 15 years trying to get things to work between the two of us, searching for some way to have a fulfilling relationship with her. But time and again, she would betray me, lie to me, cheat on me. Every time she would beg for me to take her back. Each time I would think "this time, it will be different!"

It was never different. It always ended up the same way - me getting hurt because I believed she could become someone that she isn't. As much as I struggle against it, the fact is that she and I will never have the relationship I want, we can only have the relationship we had, and that hurts too much to go back to.

[neverloveagain]

Sad thing i think when i read these types of post is the woman you really loved and had these times with was never really in there in the first place, i spent 10 years dating an actor never knew till the end.

[trappedinlove]

i spent 10 years dating an actor never knew till the end.

neverloveagain, not that it makes it much better but in many cases it's not an act in the conventional way.

The act feels real to the pwBPD since this is the way their personality is.

It's distorted to the non's but sadly they don't necessarily mean to be mean.

Well, initially, later on they might be more aware of the act and start feeling guilty about it

but guilt will many times turn both outwards (rage, lying, betrayal) and inwards (self-harm, depression, cheating)

I encourage you to read this blog to get a handle over a BPD's mind:

www.downwardspiralintothevortex.com/2012/04/why-are-borderlines-so-attractive-part.html

To emphasize a few points:

Flexible Sense of Self

I am whoever I want to be in whatever moment I happen to be living in. Evil-Ex used to tell me I was like living with different people, to the point where he thought I might have multiple personalities.

And I remember that is the person they expect to see. Want to see. Were drawn to in the first place. Somewhere in the back of my mind (ok who am I kidding, it’s lurking like a big creeper constantly looming around the corner) is that fear that if this person realizes I have “issues”, have baggage, don’t have this projection of a perfect life I appear to have, they’ll be disappointed that I’m human, and leave. That thought sucks. So I often try to keep up the pretense as long as possible.

Talking to my Sister this weekend we realized that we both have this natural ability to sense what other people like, what other people need, and what other people are attracted to. Without thinking or realizing we do it, it is natural for us to give that to them. Even if it means that the person that we are shifts in subtle ways to accommodate what we think they want. Fortunately, or unfortunately, as the case may be, we’re often very successful. This is great for awhile because we appear to be the perfect mate. Always in tune with what our significant other wants and needs, and happy to give that to them.

Then of course, inevitably it happens that we eventually have a crisis of identity. The shifts are subtle at first, but after a while it can take over and the person we see in the mirror is no longer recognizable to who we once were. Part of who we are is the kind of person that wants to make the other person happy. But we go about it in a way that is unhealthy. The real kicker though, is that it’s not a conscious effort. It happens without us having to think about it, identify it, or making a decision to be a different way. At least that happens with me.

In an instant I feel suffocated by that realization. It often causes me to pull back and need time to myself to reconnect with me, but it leaves the other person feeling blindsided because they have no idea what just happened. I always feel bad.

It’s like an identity crisis within an identity crisis. Part of me is the kind of person that likes to take care of the people I care about, that wants the people around me to be happy. That stuff is certainly real. But I’m not the kind of person that is ok with losing myself in the process. So I am this kind of person, but not in the way that my mind goes about doing it. Except clearly I am because it happens so often. But I don’t want to be. But, but, but… it’s not an easy conflict to reconcile.

[Love Is Not Enough]

Well, I think I am addicted to her. Maybe I miss the honeymoon phase and the idealization... . it was something I've never experienced before.  

Yes you are addicted. The idealization will never return. The sooner you accept that the better off you will be. Next time you should recognize it as a  that something is very wrong.

If she has not improved with 4 years of DBT then she probably has a very long and hard road ahead of her. Are you sure you want to suffer that journey with her? Even with improvement my rs is bleak. My gf has improved substantially with 6 months of DBT, but there is very little intimacy or physical contact. She shows she cares by accusing me of cheating all the time and I am unable to trust her. The idealization phase is never coming back. I have accepted that.

Forget about the money. Just be glad you do not have a child with her. Imagine or read the stories on here when there is children involved. You do not know horror until you have seen rage directed at a 2 year old.

Why do you want to be or allow yourself to be abused? What can you do for yourself to be happy?

[an0ught]

Hi  edgarcrema,

at the moment it may be best to concentrate on you own needs. If and when she comes back you can still decide what to do. Relationships with pwBPD are not simple and each is different. From what you wrote yours quickly turned problematic so it would be wise if she had some therapy before getting too close and repeating the cycle again.

Take good care of yourself 

[nownotsure]

She needs to be with someone who she can control and manipulate, someone who doesn't set boundaries with her and doesn't care if she is not faithful.  You do not want to be that person do you?

I believe Waifed summed up nicely the type of relationship someone with a personality disorder will often try to seek out. From what you've posted, it sounds like you've experienced this first-hand.

She's been in therapy, so I wouldn't count on her behavior changing much. So you're left with asking yourself why in the world you'd want all that drama back in your life? You may want to take some time away from her so that you can fully explore this issue with your T.

[edgarcrema]

Thank you guys, you are very supportive, that is very appreciated.

I can relate with your experiencies, and I'm taking your advices, but it's the most difficult breakup in my entire life (and I had longer relationships before this one).

I know how lucky I am now because we have no kids togheter... .

I'm working hard in T and I'm trying to rebuild my self-esteem that is the cause of co-dependency.

I started the real no contact (blocked her on fb, removed her friends, asked my friends to not update me on her status).

I wrote her an email asking for my money back and I asked her also to remove my phone numbers, photos shared on fb.

The biggest issue is that we live in the same city (50k people) and there are good chances that we will run into each other again soon. I asked her to avoid this kind of situation, I don't want to see her with her new toy... . and if she'll see me with a new girlfriend I'm sure she will try to get me back (it has already happened in the past) and I have to be strong enough to say NO.

Any suggestion about this? How do I should behave if I run into her?

Thanks.

[nownotsure]

How do I should behave if I run into her?

From your previous post, it almost sounds like you need to learn to be able to say "no."

You don't have to be friends, but if I were you, I'd be civil with her. Also, you may not be able to avoid her in such a small town, but it comes across as looking quite childish when someone goes to extreme lengths to avoid an ex.

Good move on your part by forewarning your friends that you have no interest in hearing about what your ex is up to. I would imagine most of them, at least the emotionally health ones, are quite tired of her antics anyway and would be more than happy to oblige.

Trust me, in a few months time you'll wonder what the heck were you thinking by wanting her back.