One year EMDR BPD g/f

[AimingforMastery]

Thank you to all of your for this resource.

I have been with the same g/f for one year, but it has been on again off again. First break up was in August, back together October. By November I realised she was BPD and gradually set a boundary that she must get help for me to stick around. She committed to EMDR but we broke up a second time and then after we split she went off and did some stupid things where she got taken advantage of, which I knew nothing about till later.

I saw her in Feb and she begged to get back together and has been consistent with EMDR. Her boundary issues are much more under control and even her therapist says she is making progress. However it is far from perfect... . and stressful.

We got back together and she came to visit me. Lots of good things but in this I became acutely aware how low-grade abusive she is; lots of little lash outs pretty much every day, blaming, etc. etc. and more worryingly in stressful times almost reshaping reality to justify her victim feelings and blamings. I often find myself saying she is making things up... .

So I set a boundary when she exploded one day and rather than respect it she decided to leave early and then blame me for it... .

I am getting much closer to being able to walk away as I am tired of the lack of appreciation for my loyalty (I've paid for EMDR, doctors appointments etc etc) but I don't think she wants to stay broken up and is already wanting to talk... .

My challenge is that I do very much respect EMDR and what it can do (she has PTSD II) and she is committed to it and now paying for it herself. She goes every week for nearly two hours. That is highly encouraging to me. I also have deep feelings for her.

So I am trying to gently set a second boundary to ask her to treat me with love, respect and appreciation rather than lash out/ anger/hostility otherwise I tend to withdraw or can't be with her... . I do see some progress overall, but not enough to make this stress free - and as I said do have substantial faith in EMDR - she now wants to go to EMDR twice a week, but feel I am walking on eggshells and still have one or two other non-trivial concerns.

All advice is most welcome!  - Many thanks.

[maxsterling]

My girlfriend also did EMDR.  She thought it would help her because she was diagnosed PTSD.  I think it was an hour once a week and a group once a week.  She wound up getting into an argument with her therapist, painted her black, and never went back. 

As I read on here, many people with BPD have also been diagnosed PTSD or Bipolar.  My girlfriend has been diagnosed all three.  My opinion?  She's just severe BPD, and she will run with the other diagnoses because they sound less menacing and more treatable than BPD.  Will EMDR help your GF? Maybe.  Will a new boundary help?  I doubt it.  Right now she can't simply just change her behavior to respect a boundary like that.  You have to reward progress, and let her know when you are hurt.  I know, I struggle with this, too. I get the low grade abuse daily, and for awhile I was just thankful to not have the screaming and hitting and throwing things anymore.  But I still get hurt, probably daily.  And I am not doing a good job of communicating that with her.  Instead, I swallow most of it.  She knows her behavior is hurtful.  But she feels shame over it rather than apologize and move on. 

Your boundary is a good one to protect yourself, but keep in mind this is something that should be implied in every r/s, and does not need to be stated.  If you state something like this to her that is as an abstract boundary without something specific that bothers you, she will likely dysregulate, claim you are blaming her, and lash out at you.  pwBPD tend to not do well with boundaries or instructions that aren't explicitly clear with clearly defined tasks.  When she does something hurtful, tell her that what she did hurt you.  Allow her a chance to correct or apologize.  After time behavior does not shift - move on. 

[AimingforMastery]

I hear you, thanks.

I am very close to moving on.

The continual issue for me is no appreciation, and lack of straight thinking leading her to make often disastrous decisions and seeing her health go downhill due to those decisions while either lashing out at me or being objectionable. There is no logic, of course... . I just feel like screaming. You try to help, you give everything you have to help and you get nothing. In fact you get abuse or passive aggression.

If you give help you can get in trouble, if you don't give help they jump off a cliff.