Reaching out

[mama62]

I still haven't written to dd because I feel lost. I feel that every single day that goes by without communication is another day that dd will feel the rejection from me. I just cannot seem to do it.

I have researched as much as I have had time to do so on BPD. The more I read the more confused I get. I am trying to understand and be supportive. I think I have reached a stage where I want to urge dd to seek treatment and stick with it. That does not necessarily mean that as yet I want to be part of it.

I want to know that she is in treatment and I want her to know that I DO love her and whenever the time is right we can start to rebuild. I want to validate her but cannot find the words. Any suggestions? I am sure there are people reading this who must must be going" why? why? what is stopping you reaching out to her?" There is nothing that anyone can say that I haven't said to myself, but still cannot seem to do it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear mama62

Do you think it is because you have not come to that point of acceptance? Are you holding on to the hurt?

Radical Acceptance for family members

I really got a lot out this victim workshop... .

US: as victims

What is it ? Are you afraid of something? The Rage?

US: Ragephobia - the fear of being raged upon

Have you thought of a letter? or a card? just a small hello. I find in this age of computers that when I get a real letter or card it is extra special and has a big impact on me.

[LAHdedah]

I still haven't written to dd because I feel lost. I feel that every single day that goes by without communication is another day that dd will feel the rejection from me. I just cannot seem to do it.

It may seem selfish but sometimes we need to put some distance between ourselves and our pwBPD.  I believe there are times when we need some space to get a renewed perspective on the situation but more importantly, time for our own wounds to heal.  Our pwBPD aren't the only ones who are hurt by this illness.  It's ok, in my opinion, to say, "I'm exhausted.  I'm hurt.  I'm angry.  I'm sad.  I'm grieving.  I'm scared.  I need rest and some time to heal."  You can't be of much help your dd if you are suffering your own sickness of the soul.    

I have researched as much as I have had time to do so on BPD. The more I read the more confused I get. I am trying to understand and be supportive. I think I have reached a stage where I want to urge dd to seek treatment and stick with it. That does not necessarily mean that as yet I want to be part of it.

While there are treatments for BPD, it's not easy and there are no guarantees.  If anyone had all the answers, we'd all be flocking to them and they'd be incredibly rich.  You can urge dd to seek treatment, but you can't make her go.  In the meantime you might want to set up a few appointments with a mental health therapist for yourself.  I have found that it can be extremely therapeutic to pour out one's pain and uncertainties.  Who knows she/he might have some good ideas about how and when to approach your dd.  

I want to know that she is in treatment and I want her to know that I DO love her and whenever the time is right we can start to rebuild. I want to validate her but cannot find the words. Any suggestions? I am sure there are people reading this who must must be going" why? why? what is stopping you reaching out to her?" There is nothing that anyone can say that I haven't said to myself, but still cannot seem to do it.

There are no magic words and sometimes the less said the better.  Perhaps a 'Thinking of you" card' simply signed Love, Mom.  

[lever.]

Hello mama62.

I think the links jellibeans has suggested are very helpful. I had a look and recognised immediately that I suffer from ragephobia. It was good to think about what is the worst that can happen -she yells and swears at me -well its happened before and I can walk away.

You may also like to look at lesson 5 in What can a parent do?-Its all about what we can and can't do to encourage someone to seek help.

Remember also about tiny little steps and working at a pace that both you and your DD are happy with.

There are sometimes complex reasons why it is difficult to reach out.

Fear? Anger? Sometimes it is necessary to spend time working with our own feelings first- I have found the section in tools (on the right)"" being self aware and of wise Mind" very helpful.

Many of us have experienced similar feelings.

jellibeans idea to start small perhaps with a little card sounds good

[mama62]

jellibeans

Thank you for your insight. Maybe a part of me is holding  onto the hurt. I know that I am trying very hard to get over any anger ( mine not her's) It is just the lying I cannot seem to get my head around. If dd were to open up to me I would bend over backwards to help her. I know that the lying is part of the illness, just find it very hard to accept.

I like your idea of a letter. Thank for the links to the workshops and I WILL try to make progress.

LAHdedah

A big THANK YOU. I think you seem to have hit the nail on the head. I DO feel selfish. I KNOW that she is hurting as well and I should put her needs ahead of mine. I am exhausted, I am hurt and I am angry. I am sad, I am grieving, I am scared but above all I am HELPLESS to help her.

You are right I can only urge dd to seek treatment I cannot make her go. I will take up your idea of getting my own therapist Can only try. Will help me at least pour out  my pain my uncertainties.

At this moment distance  seems to be the best thing. Less said less harm done I think.

Love your idea of the simple card. Maybe?

lever

Thank you. I think maybe I need to find myself first.Work on what I am able to work on to rebuild this relationship.Thank you all for your help. Added complication is my ex, also BPD, is enabling dd at the moment and since in his eyes I am the devil reincarnated anything I do may not make any difference to her.

Maybe it's time to let him deal with dd and I take time out? I don't know?

[lever.]

I do understand mama62. Sometimes I have felt so affected emotionally myself it has been best to retreat for a while.

That time can be used to learn and reflect.

I was not in contact with my daughter for a little while and was desperate for more contact. Now she is coming slowly back into my life I once again have to deal with her complex relationships with others and volatility.

For me mindfulness practice has been a great help.

This isn't selfishness on your part, working on myself and my own reactions has been very important, in order to help your daughter you need to care for yourself