Father relocating and suggested custody

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex has moved 5 times in the last year. He recently moved 2 hours away with only a weeks notice. He put in his certified letter that he wasn't moving for another month or so but his landlord (who is actually a friend of mine) told me that he had moved out long before he even sent the letter of relocation. In this letter, my ex put that he wanted to start a week on/week off schedule with our son who is 19 months old.

This was over a 2 months ago. My ex is now stating that since I didn't respond to his certified letter that the parenting plan he was suggesting is in effect and trumps our current court order. There wasn't a judge's signature or anything on the letter and it was sent as a normal certified letter, it wasn't delivered by a police officer or anything like that.

My attorney has yet to get back to me about this and it's starting to freak me out. Ex is insisting that I have to give him our son this weekend or else... . Ugh. So much drama.

[Stuffie]

My ex has moved 5 times in the last year. He recently moved 2 hours away with only a weeks notice. He put in his certified letter that he wasn't moving for another month or so but his landlord (who is actually a friend of mine) told me that he had moved out long before he even sent the letter of relocation. In this letter, my ex put that he wanted to start a week on/week off schedule with our son who is 19 months old.

This was over a 2 months ago. My ex is now stating that since I didn't respond to his certified letter that the parenting plan he was suggesting is in effect and trumps our current court order. There wasn't a judge's signature or anything on the letter and it was sent as a normal certified letter, it wasn't delivered by a police officer or anything like that.

My attorney has yet to get back to me about this and it's starting to freak me out. Ex is insisting that I have to give him our son this weekend or else... . Ugh. So much drama.

[Waddams]

What do your current court orders state?  And why would his relocations, letters, and other craziness change the court order?

Only judges can change court orders.  Not certified letters.

You likely still don't need to respond to him.  If/when he shows up, just tell him you're following the court orders, not his orders, and shut the door.

[Stuffie]

What do your current court orders state?  And why would his relocations, letters, and other craziness change the court order?

Only judges can change court orders.  Not certified letters.

You likely still don't need to respond to him.  If/when he shows up, just tell him you're following the court orders, not his orders, and shut the door.

The current order states every other weekend. That's what I've been following to the letter. He's stating that since I didn't object to his relocation that he is allowed to move and the line he added in about his visitation change was not disputed so it's in effect.

[ForeverDad]

The latest written court order trumps anything he writes.  He may really believe his entitlement, but effectively it is his perception and entitlement.  What you experience is his pressuring and bluffing.

Since this is likely to become more than just a hot air issue, it is good you've alerted your lawyer. "The line he added in about his visitation change was not disputed so it's in effect" is a legal matter for your lawyer to address.  Hopefully it means little to nothing since you never signed agreement to his claim.

About equal time, court can order it but usually there has to be a reason for change ("Change of Circumstances" decided by the court.  About equal time on alternating weeks (7/7), court is very unlikely to order it for young children.  In my case, in the final decree we were going to move me up from alternate weekends to equal time.  By then my son was almost 6 years old.  I wanted alternate weeks (7/7) since exchanges were high conflict but the custody evaluator said that was too long for younger children to be apart from the other parent and he said it would have to be 2/2/5/5 until he was maybe 10 years old or thereabouts.  So My ex got Mon/Tue, I got Wed/Thu and we alternated weekends.

A few months ago I moved up to majority time and mother kept 50% during the summer.  The order kept her at 2/2/5/5, the same split we've always had.  I complained to my lawyer that the exchanges were always prone to high conflict and now with our son a pre-teen I wanted to go to alternate weeks.  My lawyer said No, do you want to suggest ex is okay having longer periods of time with him?

So, besides the issue of 50/50 or not, you should probably totally avoid the alternate week concept, (1) your ex has serious issues and (2) your toddler is just too young to be away from you for an entire week.

I don't know the details of his move.  Is he moving outside the county?  Is he required to file a notice with the court?  In my limited experience a move is typically just reported to the court and the other parent, however that does not automatically change the parenting schedule.

If he filed his move with the court, then I guess you could respond to that notice but I don't know if the court would care that he gave late notification.

So what to do?  If it is exchange time, then you follow the court order and do the exchange.  However give NO agreement to his claim it is for a week or whatever.  Just state you're following the court order.  If he does not return your child during the official time window, then (assuming your lawyer doesn't give instructions otherwise) you make a phone call asking when he's bring child back.  If not as scheduled, then you call for police assistance.  Be sure to have your court order in hand, words and claims mean nothing to the officers.  They should help you resolve the immediate incident.  In rare cases you may have to go to court to get action, but that would likely involve your lawyer.  It would be good to get some "What if" scenarios discussed and appropriate responses stated in advance so you're not left without support if your lawyer isn't available at exchange times.

In the next few years... . All too soon your child will be going to school, maybe even pre-school.  You want to be declared the Residential Parent for School Purposes.  It's almost a default for you if you have majority time but since he's already seeking equal time then you might want to move that from the back burner to the front burner.

Hmm, why does he want equal time?  Is he that interested in parenting?  Does he want to be in Control?  Or might he be trying to avoid child support?

Remember... . When in doubt, follow the order.

[Stuffie]

The latest written court order trumps anything he writes.  He may really believe his entitlement, but effectively it is his perception and entitlement.  What you experience is his pressuring and bluffing.

Since this is likely to become more than just a hot air issue, it is good you've alerted your lawyer.

About equal time, court can order it but usually there has to be a reason for change ("Change of Circumstances" decided by the court.  About equal time on alternating weeks (7/7), court is very unlikely to order it for young children.  In my case, in the final decree we were going to move me up from alternate weekends to equal time.  By then my son was almost 6 years old.  I wanted alternate weeks (7/7) since exchanges were high conflict but the custody evaluator said that was too long for younger children to be apart from the other parent and he said it would have to be 2/2/5/5 until he was maybe 10 years old or thereabouts.  So My ex got Mon/Tue, I got Wed/Thu and we alternated weekends.

A few months ago I moved up to majority time and mother kept 50% during the summer.  The order kept her at 2/2/5/5, the same split we've always had.  I complained to my lawyer that the exchanges were always prone to high conflict and now with our son a pre-teen I wanted to go to alternate weeks.  My lawyer said No, do you want to suggest ex is okay having longer periods of time with him?

So, besides the issue of 50/50 or not, you should probably totally avoid the alternate week concept, (1) your ex has serious issues and (2) your toddler is just too young to be away from you for an entire week.

I don't know the details of his move.  Is he moving outside the county?  Is he required to file a notice with the court?  In my limited experience a move is typically just reported to the court and the other parent, however that does not automatically change the parenting schedule.

If he filed his move with the court, then I guess you could respond to that notice but I don't know if the court would care that he gave late notification.

So what to do?  If it is exchange time, then you follow the court order and do the exchange.  However give NO agreement to his claim it is for a week or whatever.  Just state you're following the court order.  If he does not return your child during the official time window, then (assuming your lawyer doesn't give instructions otherwise) you make a phone call asking when he's bring child back.  If not as scheduled, then you call for police assistance.  Be sure to have your court order in hand, words and claims mean nothing to the officers.  They should help you resolve the immediate incident.  In rare cases you may have to go to court to get action, but that would likely involve your lawyer.  It would be good to get some "What if" scenarios discussed and appropriate responses stated in advance so you're not left without support if your lawyer isn't available at exchange times.

In the next few years... . All too soon your child will be going to school, maybe even pre-school.  You want to be declared the Residential Parent for School Purposes.  It's almost a default for you if you have majority time but since he's already seeking equal time then you might want to move that from the back burner to the front burner.

Hmm, why does he want equal time?  Is he that interested in parenting?  Does he want to be in Control?  Or might he be trying to avoid child support?

We've already gone to mediation since all of this happened and worked out some semblance of a new parenting plan. I'm content with MOST of what we've discussed but am seeking a few tweaks here and there to make it easier to follow without incident and to keep ex from manipulating any loopholes.

The mediator and both of our attorneys told him that 50/50 is impossible, especially with his history and unstable living situation.

He only wants 50/50 as a means of control and to avoid child support.

[Waddams]

The current order states every other weekend. That's what I've been following to the letter. He's stating that since I didn't object to his relocation that he is allowed to move and the line he added in about his visitation change was not disputed so it's in effect.

Well, if he shows up to exercise court ordered visitation that is in accordance with the court orders (ie - he shows up at the time and date that he his supposed to), then it's his visitation time.  His wish to change visitation can't be made an order without a judge's signature.  So he'd still be on the hook to show up again when the weekend is over at the time and date stipulated in the court orders to hand the child back over to you.

Regardless of what he says, he doesn't have the authority to change the court order.  If he keeps the child beyond his appointed visitation time, and you don't agree to it, he'll be in contempt of the court orders.  Your recourse is to file contempt of court charges and seek relief from the court that issued your orders.

His moving has nothing to do with his visitation orders.  He can move whereever he wants to.  And he is not obligated to exercise any visitation.  Regardless of where he moves, it's up to him to be able to plan his life accordingly so he can exercise his visitation.  Lots of non-custodial parents don't exercise their visitation.  It's crappy, but they do it.

I'm assuming you want to follow the orders and have him return the child when the orders say he is supposed to.  All you need to tell him is that his visitation will be per the court orders, and he can read, so you're not going to remind of the times stipulated, but that if he doesn't follow it, you'll respond with a contempt of court filing and seek to restrict his visitation to supervised visitation only or other remedies as deemed appropriate by the judge so he can't pull this crap with you anymore.

Unfortunately, you can't control him.  You shouldn't try to order him or tell him what to do or not to do.  Just tell him your expectations to follow the orders, and if he doesn't tell, him that there will be consequences.

Also, I'm not certain, but some jurisdictions might consider what he says he's going to do to be some form of kidnapping, and therefore criminal.  I don't know for certain, but you might want to talk to the local police and/or sheriffs department and get some advice.

It sucks, but lots of times, you can't act until they've done something wrong and you are trying to pick up the pieces.