Blocked number hang ups

[Front runner]

Hi

I'm getting a bit desperate for any kind of contact. I've been having no caller id phone calls at strange times and then the person hangs up.

Has anyone had this before? Is it a prelude to contact or an extinction burst?

I was cheated on and then abandoned so I think a fair amount of shame on her part but for some unknown reason I still care and want to hear from her. It feels like she wants me to make the call to abdicate herself of responsibility of what happened before and what will happen in the future. So if I call she can trample on me again. If she calls I can question her behaviour and try and get her to take responsibility for actions which clearly she would not like. Bit like a parent with a child.

[arjay]

... . "I was cheated on and then abandoned so I think a fair amount of shame on her part but for some unknown reason I still care and want to hear from her... . "

Gosh you remind me of me in a way, from the standpoint of "regardless of what they do", we seem open to communicate and to possibly re-engage.  Some of my episodes were worse and yet I continued forgiving and trying to "find this place" were I thought she would understand how much I cared, would see her part in the deal and take responsibility, and we could begin the process of healing and FINALLY get to the place of happiness.  Unfortunately her taking ownership for her actions not only didn't happen, but she actually blamed me for things she knew was wrong, damaging and sometimes dangerous.  She never, ever took responsibility.  The very best I got was "I may have said and done some things I shouldn't", but that was about it.

I was mentioning in another post that what slowly happened to me was a general loss of self-esteem and beginning to believe that I "was not good enough", or caring enough, or attentive enough, or whatever enough, so I began to actually feel responsible for her treating me the way she did at times.  When a relationship gets to that point often we need help, something I did and will never regret.  I am seven years out now and learned a lot about myself and my contribution to the "dance".

If a friend called you and said he/she was cheated on and abandoned and they wanted to make contact again, what would you advise?

[Front runner]

Thanks for the reply Arjay. I had another call tonight. Very confusing and torn emotions.

Yes the self esteem issue is very real and the loss of it and feeling unworthy.

Foo issues certainly. What kind of help did you get?

If it was my friend I'd tell them to get out for sure. They're incensed or in despair generally or want to send some heavies round.

Meanwhile I've had a little fix hoping it will lead to a proper phone call. A terrible hold but battling nc well! GIVE ME STRENGTH

[Front runner]

Yes it's amazing how you get blamed for even the most horrendous acts. Like when she gave me an std(can't believe I'm writing that) she wanted to know where the clinic was so she could get the other guy to get cleaned up (I think). Or she assaulted me and blamed me for not sticking up for her against my family. In actual fact I was trying to get her to stop taking drugs and flirting with my cousin. She always sais I don't take her out enough or buy her enough stuff. She broke off the engagement and blamed my family. Is that gas lighting. She's totally textbook. Unreal

[arjay]

... . "Foo issues certainly. What kind of help did you get?... . "

I was fortunate to find a skilled and very compassionate professional that understood BPD and the damage it causes.  Once the "veil" was lifted regarding "her" and "her diagnosis" I then began reading, posting here and more to better understand the insanity of how they can be.  I then worked on me, addressing those issue that likely were fundamental to me staying engaged in a marriage where emotional abuse was so common place.  The greatest gift I gave myself was dealing with my own shortcomings, learning how I often let others violate my boundaries (not just her), realizing I had the "white knight" tendency and more.  Being a "white knight" type in a relationship with a BPD left me feeling responsible for the chaos that ensued; for the anger she would display; for all the fallout it caused.  After all isn't it the job of a "white knight" to save her from her misery so she will be eternally happy and appreciate and value me as being her "savior".   

Counseling for me was all part of the processing and healing, coming away a stronger and healthier person.

[Front runner]

Bizarrely I have been seeing a therapist twice a week for over a year. Every time I come out of there I feel like reaching out to her, full of longing and compassion. He thinks I don't have the ability to 'feel' my emotions or when I do only fleetingly like sudden bursts of anger followed by an emptiness. Maybe us nons and BPDs are two sides of the same coin. Without being in touch with our emotions we put up with a hell of a lot more crap because if we can't feel things fully and the effects these people have on us we can't react how we should. But the damage is still being done because we do have feelings, just that they've been stuffed away someplace very deep (foo). So the trauma comes out eventually and there's a mountain of ___ to process.

[arjay]

... . "Maybe us nons and BPDs are two sides of the same coin... . "

I don't know about that, but I did find that the experiences with my BPDw showed me where I needed to work on myself; areas like Boundaries, self-esteem, not taking ownership for other people's emotions and more... .

I suppose she was a 'catalyst' for my personal change within... .