More memory/emotional recall

[isilme]

Hi - I've been away a while, as I found I'd hit the threshold between cathartic sharing and ruminating, and figured I"d come by now and then as needed, but that I'd dealt with lots of the issues from my breakthrough crisis of returning memories and the anger, shame, and depression from it.  Typing on here has helped, lots.  I need to type some more, this may be triggering to some who've had violent acts, co dependendency, and prescription drug abuse, so don't read if that might upset you.

Since I've been offline a while, the recap is:

Mom - diagnosed bipolar, suspected BPD, I am NC going on 3 years my sanity.

Dad - diagnosed manic-depressive, suspected ASD, NC since I was kicked out at 19

No other family, isolated from relatives by distance (Army) as well as secretive parents

This week, while watching "Hannibal" the TV show, though, I finally realized an answer to something that's bothered me a lot over the years.  My parents split Father's Day 1992, when I was just turned 15, following an increasingly violent marriage, eviction at Christmas, suicide attempts by both parents.  Home was so bad, I started getting migraines at school as the day was close to ending, because I was afraid to go home. Mom's solution was to put me on Fiorinal to knock me out once I got home; that's how she dealt with life - take some Seconal and conk out.

During this time, while they were fighting every night, Dad would routinely threaten murder-suicide while holding a knife, while Mom would try to goad him into using it ("You're not a man, you'll never do it... . ".  I tried to be the voice of reason, pleading and begging them to stop, him not to slit his wrists, and so on.  He'd often go for long walks, knife in hand, and I'd cringe in fear the whole time he'd be outside killing himself, but I didn't know what to do (I thought they were my responsibility to care for).

Father's Day, 1992, started with us getting ready for church, and an argument broke out.  I don't even know what sparked it - Mom was probably still too tranked to get up, pissing Dad off.  What I do remember, is that he got sick of it, and threw her on the bed and wrapped his hands around her throat.  I was terrified he'd kill her, and terrified to step in, but I ran over and managed to pull him off her.  I have factually remembered this since I was 17, and had a flashback (sitting in church of all places, with Dad leading the choir in singing, his new wife beside me).  The emotions have been detached though.

Somehow, I remember that morning, Dad telling me to pack and get in the car.  So I did, we drove to my current state, and ended up living with his parents (who I'd only met once when I was 5 - they didn't care for me as the child of a sinful second marriage).

I have been confused as to why, being so afraid of this man my whole life that I still have a fight-or-flight reaction to him even though these days I could more than hold my own against him, why did I get in the car?  Part of it was the blind obedience I'd always exercised with him, part was fear of telling him, "No,", part I know was hope that leaving for a while would make Mom stop taking her drugs, and I chalked up the rest in a distant manner to Stockholes (or however that applies to families).

Watching the kind of triggering events of the first or second episode of Hannibal, I realized I had also been convinced I was going to die.  I thought Dad was finally going to kill us, and I just wanted an end, and I was scared, too.  I don't know if this makes sense at all, but this just came back to me, and I need a place to put it. 

Now, I am also confused about some memories of neighbors upstairs having violent arguments involving a man screaming about having a knife, and remembering my parents maybe calling the police on them... . but wouldn't that be really weird for the upstairs neighbors to be having the exact same fights as my parents, downstairs?  Am I remembering this wrong, to protect myself?  Does that make any sense? 

[BabeRuthless]

... . being so afraid of this man my whole life that I still have a fight-or-flight reaction to him... .

... . I realized I had also been convinced I was going to die. I don't know if this makes sense at all, but this just came back to me, and I need a place to put it. 

I am glad you posted. I don't know if you are remembering things a certain way to protect yourself, but in general, remembering seems to help lead to healing. You sound self-aware and like you are taking care of yourself, all good.

Several parts of your post resonated with me. Decades after my father and uBPD mother divorced and left me and my (borderline trait) twin sister in the care of our uBPD grandmother, I still find myself avoiding my father in a fight/flight way. Though he is not a "bad" person, not an addict, and wants to have a relationship with me, he doesn't believe me and doesn't understand when I try to explain trauma to him. And he takes little or no responsibility for the trauma that led my already-vulnerable twin to BPD features of her own after being abandoned and neglected by our parents, and sexually abused by our grandmother. For these reasons, I can't seem to really trust or want to invest time with him. I feel guilt about this, especially since he is getting older, and people seem to think he is a "swell guy." He still doesn't see what was wrong -- once our uBPD mother told him she felt she couldn't take care of us -- with his deciding he couldn't, either, and leaving us with his parents, and moving across the country with a woman he'd met in his office!

Also, your comment about being convinced you were going to die really got me. Though neither my parents nor my uBPD grandmother ever hit, punched, beat, etc., me, my GM seemed so evil and frightening that I was convinced I was going to die. Over decades since then, I have had people tell me that I talk about "death and dying" a lot. I feel shame about this, but believe it was because life with my BPD caregiver was a kind of death. A very real kind of death, and confusion about what life is.

Sorry to ramble... . I am new here and still in the "cathartic sharing" phase. I wish you peace and wellbeing and healing.

[isilme]

Hi, BabeRuthless.  I'm not sure how self aware I am, right now I'm just tired and still trying to figure out where my place in the world it  -being NC from everyone, even with really good reasons why, makes for a lot of lonely feelings.  My BF has a good family who have welcomed me, but I can't really accept it, I guess.  I feel like someone outside looking in, and as circumstances have prevented BF and I from getting married for a loong time, and knowing my state my ASD dad is still my legal next of kin till one of us dies (common law is a myth here), I feel really lost.  I guess the triggers from the TV show were more than I realized - been pretty depressed the last couple of days, and even called in to work today.

What really hurts is when people in simple conversation can ask something innocuous like, ":)id you call your mom Sunday," of a group at work, just asking about mother's day, and then feel it's okay to poke at me for more information when I try to dodge answering, "we spent it with BFs mom", "is you mom gone?, No, but we don't talk" "Where is she" "in [state]" 'how come you don't talk" - this is coming from a man at work who is often nice but often tactless, and I think it's contributing to my feelings today.

It IS hard when you try to tell people you need NC to heal or stay healed - if they can't/won't understand your reasons, they just see you as a bad child.  People on here know better, at least, and I hope coming here helps you.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, isilme, welcome back.

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling depressed. That is a pretty normal response after a trigger like you experienced. Do you have a therapist you can check in with to help you process the memories you are experiencing right now? Step 4 of the Survivor's Guide is one that a lot of people need to come back to as more memories bubble up to the surface.

knowing my state my ASD dad is still my legal next of kin till one of us dies (common law is a myth here), I feel really lost. 

Have you looked into writing a will and power of attorney? You can name whomever you want as executor and specify what your funeral wishes are, who will inherit your assets, etc., as well as who is legally able to make medical decisions for you if you are incapacitated. There are lawyer referral services in many cities that would allow you to have those documents drawn up by a professional for as little as $50. You can be pro-active.

What really hurts is when people in simple conversation can ask something innocuous like, ":)id you call your mom Sunday," of a group at work, just asking about mother's day, and then feel it's okay to poke at me for more information when I try to dodge answering, "we spent it with BFs mom", "is you mom gone?, No, but we don't talk" "Where is she" "in [state]" 'how come you don't talk" - this is coming from a man at work who is often nice but often tactless, and I think it's contributing to my feelings today.

Ok, so some people are intrusive. Annoying, but a fact of life. We can't change other people, only our own behaviors. It sounds like that guy in particular was really bothering you, and you decided to be polite about it and continue answering him. What can you do to look after your boundaries when people prod you with questions you don't want to answer? (Hint: Justifying and Explaining your choices seems to be upsetting to you. You don't have to do those.) What could you say instead?

Wishing you peace,

PF