interesting conversation

[jellibeans]

So my dd16 is on her last week of school and summer is coming pretty fast around here. With summer comes a lot more free time and a lot more time for her to get into trouble.

My dd16 came to me tonight to talk... .asking if we could have a calm conversation and I said sure. She wanted to talk about getting more freedom and how hurt she is when I doubt her. We have a rule that when she comes home she gives me her car keys. That is so if she has a meltdown she can't just run out the door and leave. Last December she had a complete meltdown and tried to leave with her car and to make a long story shot she ended the evening in the ER. Definitly not a good night. So when she came to me tonight and wanted to discuss this rule and wanting more freedom I had my opportunity to discuss some recent events and I had not talked with her about previously.

I started by very calming stating the when she decides to be truthful to me and stop lying then she would get more freedom and I would trust her more. Well her response was outrage of course... .and this is when I asked if she had stopped smoking or not... .she had made several statements this week about how she had quit and how someone offered her a cig at school and how proud I should be for saying no... .and on and on... .well little did she know that the night before while she was walking the dog I went through her purse and saw she still had cigs. I didn't take them away and I didn't say a word to her about it. So when she told me no she had quit I knew for a fact she was lying and I gave her the opportunity to tell the turth and after some thought she finally admitted she was still smoking. This opened the door to talking about this and I once again stated that this was the reason I limit the money I give her and that I wish she would think about quitting. This was all done so calmly it was scary!

She then once again returned to her need for more freedom and once again I stated that when she stops lying then I would give her more freedom... .once again she was upset and frustrated and even insulted that I would accuse her of lying and doing things she should not. Then I had another rabbit to pull out of my hat... .I asked her if she had left the house last night at 2am... .she looked at me kind of shocked and didn't know what to say and once again I said I was giving her the opportunity to tell me the truth and she finally told why she had snuck out and where she had gone... .the look on my daughter face was priceless. She was shocked that I had not confronted her with this fact and at that point I think she was fearful to continue our conversation fearing I knew more things that she thought she had gotten away with.

This is not our typical conversation and in the past I would confront her immediately with any infraction she had committed. She would have been punished and privilledges taken away but I feel I used the info I had in a more useful way. I think my dd maybe gained a bit of respect for me and I am hoping that going forward she thinks twice about her decisions.

In the meantime I am keeping her keys and limiting her funds. I don't think she will be able to come back and ask me to give her more freedom for a while and going into summer I am pretty happy about how that all worked out. Makes me smile for a change.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Being Mindful]

Excellent jellibeans. Good for you and her. What a great outcome and good use of skills. 

[Thursday]

I agree, good job jellibeans.

How did you keep from freaking out when she left the house at 2 AM?

Back in the day when my SD was your DD's age, her idea of gaining trust was to do as we asked a single time and she thought that should earn back our trust instantly. Over time  (she is now almost 23) she has finally figured out that broken trust means that being trusted again is a process.

Thursday

[madmom]

Way to go jellibeans!   I am going to take inspiration from you in keeping your cool and not confronting right away the lying.  That is a mistake I make with my own daughter, and as one person on this site has pointed out to me, it just teaches them they need to be better liars.  It doesn't mean to not let them know that you know they lied, but how to handle it better, and you did that.  Good Job!

[raytamtay3]

I agree with everyone; that was handled beautifully!

My DD is like someone else mentioned of theirs. She thinks that being "good" for say a day cancels out all of the negative behaviours and that all should be forgiven and all priviledges resumed.

Anyway, great job!

[hopeangel]

Brilliant! Well done! 

There are a few success stories around at the moment and they are making me feel so hopeful and happy! Thanks for sharing this one jellibeans! 

[tristesse]

Hi jellibeans,

All I can say id way to go! , you have been so encouraging of me , every post I make, that I feel almost as if I know you, and I am so pleased that this worked out so well for you. I wish I would have had these skills and resources years ago when my DD now 30 was younger, it could have saved so much and heartache. Any way, Great Job.

[jellibeans]

Thanks everyone for your kind words... .I am still smiling today. I really feel that now that my dd will be turning 17 in a few weeks it is time for her to really step up and take some responsibilty for her actions. I on the other hand really need to do more of this kind of thing. I think it really help avoid conflict and I really enjoyed being able to point out to her that she was still being dishonest and that although I didn't say anything I realized fully what she was doing.

Now when she  talked to my older daughter and told her what happened her story is pretty different and she comes off as being some kind of saint ... .She told her sister to came to me and confessed all her lies to me... .al on her own. That unfortunately was really not what happened but maybe next time she will feel more secure and come to me when she is struggling.

She snuck out at 2 to go meet a friend that was depressed after he broke up with a gf... .dd tells me she is like a therapist and all her friend come to her with their problems. She want to be a therapist and that is what she would like to study.

Hope I make it through this summer in one piece... .one more year to go and it is hard to believe my dd is a senior.

[mama72]

Good Luck this summer, jellibeans! I am going to work on my skills with DD this summer, as well.

Today was her last day as a Junior. She came in the door, grabbed her swimsuit and said, "My friends and I are going swimming, then getting our noses pierced!"

I said, "Ok, have fun!" I am sure it threw her off.  

[jellibeans]

oh mama... .that made me laugh! My dd came home and was in a terrible mood... .you think she would be happy for the last day of school... .I hope we all survive the summer!

[kelc323]

You're such a good mom, jellibeans. That takes a really strong (smart) momma to keep her cards close to her vest. I'm not sure I could have done that when my daughter was a teen. It's not about winning the battle, but the war. Now, remind me never to play chess with you. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[theplotthickens]

That is so encouraging to hear, jellibeans!  I am in TOTAL agreement that we do not need to give immediate consequences.  My dd is also a sneaker and a runner, and I stopped confronting her about it, as it only led to lies and escalation.  Instead, one particular night she snuck out at 2 am, and triggered our brand new ALARM system that we craftily had installed while she was away!   That was her last "outing."  

High five, sist-ah!  

[jellibeans]

     Thanks everyone for your support.