I thought I'd post this in the Staying or Leaving board as I was undecided... . for years... .
I didn't know at the time she suffered from BPD, but after our last breakup I had not one but two therapists confirm it... . and like so many others I PORED over the internet reading EVERY article about BPD and Cluster B personality disorders just trying to figure out WHAT HAPPENED?
I think many of you are lucky. You have the knowledge NOW before the breakup. Whether that was because you did your own research or your SO was diagnosed by a professional, it doesn't really matter. You know something is NOT right.
And now you ask yourself... . can I leave this person? And you still can't make up your mind... .
I do want to tell you my experience... . I did leave. I broke it off with her... .
The pain was agonizing in the beginnning. I won't lie. I'd known this person for four years and had many life experiences with her. Heaven and Hell. Jekyll and Hyde. Sober and drunk. I'd spent so much of my time trying to make her happy and fix her problems that my motivation to work on myself, my issues, and my dreams had all but disappeared. I was addicted to her, her drama, her praise, her abuse... . all of it. I would wake up in the middle of the night and chain smoke. I lost weight. I was read the riot act at work to get it together. I was drowning in agony.
I had given away a sense of purpose... . to take care of this adult child... . to defend her and protect her and help her become an adult... . or so I thought.
Of course much of that is a crock. Defending her? Most people didn't care about her. There wasn't some grand conspiracy against her like she thought there was. The fact is the vast majority of the time when someone did attack her it was because she had said something cruel to them out of spite, jealousy, or stupidity. And her need to have an ENEMY was Biblical. Friends, family, acquaintances... . it didn't matter. She always had SOMEONE she had to hate on or who was out to get her. Pure paranoia. That's textbook for a narcissist btw.
Fix her problems? Most were of her own creation be it because she didn't pay her bills, incredibly irresponsible, or selfish and inconsiderate. She's already flooded the house of my replacement by leaving windows open in the depths of winter and freezing the pipes. She had had 10 car accidents in her life and wouldn't you know it? NONE WERE HER FAULT. She had money problems because she wouldn't get a real job and spent her meager pennies on things she didn't need... . like alcohol and dugs... . and LOTS of them.
Help her become an adult? Impossible. Reasoning with her about the above items in a rational manner was impossible. Basic concepts like cause and effect, consequences, self-awareness, thinking before you act or speak, discourse over screaming, empathy, object constancy... . all these are ideas that cannot be conceived of by a child... . and that's what your SO probably is at least some of the time... .
For me it was most of the time... . and when alcohol or drugs were involved 100% of the time... .
And now? I AM FREE. Really. It took a LONG time. After 4 years she was the closest thing I have ever had to a wife. But I didn't lose my house, the kids we never had, my money, my self-respect... . I came out relatively unscathed. I do have scars and a sense of cynicism I will never get rid of, but I am alive and thriving.
I've got a new job, put on 10 pounds of muscle, remodeling my house, gotten plenty of attention from the opposite sex
, and taken trips all over.
Life is good. It can be good for you too if you take a stand for yourself instead of being kept a hostage/slave by a child. It will be hard. For some of you it will create financial hardship. It might cause legal and custody battles. Like me it might almost cost you your sanity... .
But you can do it. You can come through stronger, wiser, and tougher than you've ever been before. It will be a HARD road, but you're already ahead of the game knowing what you know now. Must of these behaviors are textbook and can be predicted quite accurately from what happens when you live together, have kids, breakup, and go to court. That will help. Seeing a therapist will help.
Most importantly you have to accept that you will hurt BADLY for a while... . and that's okay. At times I thought it would go on forever myself and for 5 months I was barely functioning... . but now I am sleeping like a baby and jumping out of bed every morning.
Life is good. I AM FREE.
You can have this too. Good luck to you all.
