Permanently black

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Sorry for plastering the forum lately... . but I am going through a real tough time. It helps a lot to just write it down and know people read and understand.

I am aware that a recycle would be the worst option. And I am taking action to get back on my feet.

I researched this point a lot on here, but I would like to hear your opinion.

A bit of background first to maybe get bit of a feeling for her.

M. was always "highly functional", well at least on the surface. At the same time I noticed that she always did the same things she reproached me. Even if she hid it well. She was always well dressed, everything seemed organized.

But below the surface: Chaos.

She called me irresponsible with money: I'm not the most responsible spender, but not ruining myself. In retrospect, especially now as she "started a new life" (new car, loft, bags, you name it... . ) i did the maths. She can pay for all this... . but it is not the most responsible way either. I think she has to invest LOTS of energy to control herself financially.

Also she always told me I wouldn't wash up often enough (I left a plate in the sink overnight on occasion,) that I should clean more. If I look at her bathroom... . It was clean and organized. But the drawers she didn't often use were chaotic.

She told me that I would try to get back with my ex. Which was irrational. I left that ex 4-5 years ago and was married on another continent to her. I once saw her browsing history having often looked at her ex husbands fb, right around the time those irrational suspicions came up.

My question:

From what I read... . "normally" they will get in touch with their ex (me). But I somehow have my doubts about it. She is so controlled... . I just don't see it happening.

I also was confused about her blocking me on last week, without anything happening (well... . more to that later).

She blocked me two days after I sent her two emails, lengthy ones. I basically explained that I completely understand what is going on. The mail was not hostile at all. I said I forgive her and that she could always reach out should she ever need help. I said I love her, but loving someone also means to let go.

I got the answer I copied in another thread, her basically just asking me:

"What do you want to achieve sending me these 2000000 word emails? Make me do something? Leave me alone. I mean it."

I answered:

"No. I just wanted you to remind you of things we talked about, things you said. And I care and worry for you."

Her:

"How dare you remind me of ME. Seriously F.Off."

Me:

"You can't hurt me anymore. I know why these things are being said. I love you and I won't "leave you alone"

Her:

"Then I will block you everywhere."

Me:

"No need to. I will "leave you alone." It was poorly worded. I meant to say that I will never abandon you. I love you and you will always have a place in my heart. I wish you and J. the best.

Goodby, I love you."

She didn't immediately block me, but two days later. This is what confuses me.

Would you think it still has to do with the emails? I didn't "bother" her after them. Or stalk her or whatever.

Or has the blocking to do with something else?

I read somewhere that I might have triggered her in a way that through "accepting" the way it is I "abandoned" her and that this is a reason to permanently paint me black.

Or that through showing her that I understand the mechanism (even if I meant it "nicely" she won't contact me ever again.

I know. There is a glimpse of hope in me. It will go away.

It is not something I obsess over, it is just that I try to at least make sense or "understand" certain things.

[pipehitter]

Sorry for plastering the forum lately... . but I am going through a real tough time. It helps a lot to just write it down and know people read and understand.

I am aware that a recycle would be the worst option. And I am taking action to get back on my feet.

I researched this point a lot on here, but I would like to hear your opinion.

A bit of background first to maybe get bit of a feeling for her.

M. was always "highly functional", well at least on the surface. At the same time I noticed that she always did the same things she reproached me. Even if she hid it well. She was always well dressed, everything seemed organized.

But below the surface: Chaos.

She called me irresponsible with money: I'm not the most responsible spender, but not ruining myself. In retrospect, especially now as she "started a new life" (new car, loft, bags, you name it... . ) i did the maths. She can pay for all this... . but it is not the most responsible way either. I think she has to invest LOTS of energy to control herself financially.

Also she always told me I wouldn't wash up often enough (I left a plate in the sink overnight on occasion,) that I should clean more. If I look at her bathroom... . It was clean and organized. But the drawers she didn't often use were chaotic.

She told me that I would try to get back with my ex. Which was irrational. I left that ex 4-5 years ago and was married on another continent to her. I once saw her browsing history having often looked at her ex husbands fb, right around the time those irrational suspicions came up.

My question:

From what I read... . "normally" they will get in touch with their ex (me). But I somehow have my doubts about it. She is so controlled... . I just don't see it happening.

I also was confused about her blocking me on last week, without anything happening (well... . more to that later).

She blocked me two days after I sent her two emails, lengthy ones. I basically explained that I completely understand what is going on. The mail was not hostile at all. I said I forgive her and that she could always reach out should she ever need help. I said I love her, but loving someone also means to let go.

I got the answer I copied in another thread, her basically just asking me:

"What do you want to achieve sending me these 2000000 word emails? Make me do something? Leave me alone. I mean it."

I answered:

"No. I just wanted you to remind you of things we talked about, things you said. And I care and worry for you."

Her:

"How dare you remind me of ME. Seriously F.Off."

Me:

"You can't hurt me anymore. I know why these things are being said. I love you and I won't "leave you alone"

Her:

"Then I will block you everywhere."

Me:

"No need to. I will "leave you alone." It was poorly worded. I meant to say that I will never abandon you. I love you and you will always have a place in my heart. I wish you and J. the best.

Goodby, I love you."

She didn't immediately block me, but two days later. This is what confuses me.

Would you think it still has to do with the emails? I didn't "bother" her after them. Or stalk her or whatever.

Or has the blocking to do with something else?

I read somewhere that I might have triggered her in a way that through "accepting" the way it is I "abandoned" her and that this is a reason to permanently paint me black.

Or that through showing her that I understand the mechanism (even if I meant it "nicely" she won't contact me ever again.

I know. There is a glimpse of hope in me. It will go away.

It is not something I obsess over, it is just that I try to at least make sense or "understand" certain things.

[pipehitter]

Why I ask is:

She probably has me painted black (also to preserve her "sanity", not face the insanity she has committed.)

I also understand that she has to cut me out of her life to achieve the same, not be confronted with reason, and to be able to "build" the new relationship.

But will she EVER, even if she won't contact me ever again, one day in a moment of clarity think:

"He was a good guy."

It's not that I want her to regret. I hope she one day, even if only for a brief moment, recognizes how good of a man I was. And through this sees her own value as a human being.

Or will she NEVER have that thought.

[GlitterBug]

Hi Pipehitter,

I've been reading your posts and can see some striking similarities- I have been blocked and painted completely black by my life long friend, we grew up together and lived together as sisters for the main part of our adult lives.

Although like you, I can't grasp how one moment we are something to them and the next, we seem to just die to them.

I was blocked within 24hrs of a trivial disagreement and when I questioned the blocking, I got a tonne of abuse which I know understand was probably a lot of projection.

She used a lot of the same terminology:

'Stop sending your essay length messages, you're pathetic'

'Stop contacting me, I'll just block you'

'Stay out of my life and I'll stay out of yours'

And just like that,it was all gone.

Like you,I've been trying to understand the psychology behind the words and actions but it's tough.

There's been re-invention that I've seen through old mutual friends on social media; a tattoo, new friends (replacements) and I believe she is renting a new place now as well- it seems pwBPD want to remove themselves as much as possible from memories of what was and create a brand new reality.

Still working through the hurt and the fact I will miss my sister and my closest friend for the rest of my life- you're not on you're own with these feelings of bewilderment, shock, devastation and all that's in between.

Sending hugs your way

[GlitterBug]

Why I ask is:

She probably has me painted black (also to preserve her "sanity", not face the insanity she has committed.)

I also understand that she has to cut me out of her life to achieve the same, not be confronted with reason, and to be able to "build" the new relationship.

But will she EVER, even if she won't contact me ever again, one day in a moment of clarity think:

"He was a good guy."

It's not that I want her to regret. I hope she one day, even if only for a brief moment, recognizes how good of a man I was. And through this sees her own value as a human being.

Or will she NEVER have that thought.

Been thinking the same thing- I'd like to think that one day we will be remembered fondly but I don't know if the feelings of shame often experienced by pwBPD will ever allow such a thought process to occur.

My guess is that as soon as a thought of regret or shame creeps in, distraction is sought out in whatever way possible- replacement partners, partying, risqué sex, alcohol, over spending ect.

Basically anything that distracts from the real core issues.

[pipehitter]

Thank you.

So you think it's permanent.

All the replacements, yes. The new life.

Weird enough she still kept stuff that I know are from her past relationships.

And I am pretty sure that many of my gifts, drawings she framed etc will also still be there. And stay.

[pipehitter]

Btw, talking about the drawings. When things were bad I gave her a card I made myself. I combined to quotes by Edgar A. Poe, and altered them a bit.

It went:

":)eep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,

Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;

We love with a love that is more than love."

[jibber]

I think she knows somewhere deep inside that you were a good man. Most important, you know it yourself that you are a good man, you don't need her for that. 

When all was well, my ex used to ask me: "Why are you so perfect?" with eyes full of love. When i triggered her and she went into devaluation, or when she broke up with me, she would tell me to never contact her again, that i am dead to her, etc.

In one of the last emails i sent her, i wrote to her: "I was never your perfect boyfriend anyway.". Her reply was: "You were always perfect.".

And i know somewhere deep down inside of her this is what she really thinks about me, that i was one of the nicest she ever found. I can remember how many times she told me on various occasions: "Never in my life a boyfriend did this for me!". Simple things like going to a hospital with her in the middle of the night because of some skin rash she thought was a highly dangerous allergy or something... . simply just for normal things you would do for your partner, she was amazed by them and called me "perfect". She said to me more than one time, that i am so good to her, and i wouldn't deserve all her problems.

However, once i triggered her, i was the worst boyfriend anyone could imagine. No more Mr. perfect, quite the opposite.

This is the terrible part about these relationships. You are either Mr. Perfect, or the devil in person, nothing inbetween.

I believe she knows how good you were / tried to be for her, even if it would be the most difficult thing in the world for her to admit it now since she painted you black.

I think what shows in the few posts you made on this site since you joined, is that you are a very loving and compassionate person. You know this (and i think you know she does too somewhere deep inside).

Don't beat yourself up please. 

[kba1969]

I am in the EXACT same position right now!  Since last November I have figured out what was going on with my x.  She was having relationships with 5 or more people, some which I knew.  As I became aware by looking at texts and listening to voice messages on her phone our relationship spiraled out of control.  She broke things off with me March 22, a few days prior I caught her going out with an x boyfriend.  I told her I couldn't do this anymore and we haven't seen each other since.  I wasn't too shocked cuz I have seen this happen a dozen times.  She has always been the one that comes back, either in days or as much as 3 months.  All our other breakups were pretty simple but I ramped things up the last time and feel like she might not come back this time.

    When we broke up the last time I texted the guy she went to see.  I was cool, I just told him that I loved her and want her to be happy.  I told him if they wanted to be friends, I would have to meet him.  She told me they were just friends, !  After I sent the text at 6:00 am, I got a call from my x, she said he called her wondering how I got his number.  Never got a call or text from him.

   Next, I went to another x boyfriend, whom I found out about last year.  They were seeing each other for a year and a half while I thought she was my girlfriend!  Things got a bit hectic back when we found out about each other and I just wanted to first, apologize.  And second, tell him the truth about what's been going on.  We worked together a few years ago so I knew him.  We had a good conversation and accepted that we didn't know what was going on.  When I left, about an hour later, she called me.  :)idn't answer and she didn't leave a message.  I sent her a text the next day and summarized what I think happened and listed the guys (with names) that she slept with while we were together.  No response (Silent Treatment)

   A week later, being the empathetic person I am, I tried calling her to apologize.  She didn't answer so I left a message, two messages.  I got a text from her sister saying my x wasn't mad at me she just didn't know what to say and thought there wasn't anything to discuss.  Her sister said that they all wish me and my daughter the best.  Gee... . thanks!  

    I have been NC for 11 days and have been reading a lot.  I do feel that she will contact me if she needs supply eventually but I'm trying not sure.  Why would they come back to someone who figured out their game?  I think I've been painted black with her social group but not with her family.  Other than my behaviors this last breakup I have been a stable, caring, giving boyfriend to her and she knows it.  Always said I treated her like a princess.  I see her trying to contact me when she gets bored with her supply but you never know.  Good luck, our situations are very similar.

[pipehitter]

I think she knows somewhere deep inside that you were a good man. Most important, you know it yourself that you are a good man, you don't need her for that. 

When all was well, my ex used to ask me: "Why are you so perfect?" with eyes full of love. When i triggered her and she went into devaluation, or when she broke up with me, she would tell me to never contact her again, that i am dead to her, etc.

In one of the last emails i sent her, i wrote to her: "I was never your perfect boyfriend anyway.". Her reply was: "You were always perfect.".

And i know somewhere deep down inside of her this is what she really thinks about me, that i was one of the nicest she ever found. I can remember how many times she told me on various occasions: "Never in my life a boyfriend did this for me!". Simple things like going to a hospital with her in the middle of the night because of some skin rash she thought was a highly dangerous allergy or something... . simply just for normal things you would do for your partner, she was amazed by them and called me "perfect". She said to me more than one time, that i am so good to her, and i wouldn't deserve all her problems.

However, once i triggered her, i was the worst boyfriend anyone could imagine. No more Mr. perfect, quite the opposite.

This is the terrible part about these relationships. You are either Mr. Perfect, or the devil in person, nothing inbetween.

I believe she knows how good you were / tried to be for her, even if it would be the most difficult thing in the world for her to admit it now since she painted you black.

I think what shows in the few posts you made on this site since you joined, is that you are a very loving and compassionate person. You know this (and i think you know she does too somewhere deep inside).

Don't beat yourself up please. 

She often, especially after the initial break up (when I helped her move) that I would be "nice", not like "the other people".

Weird that this realization seems to be gone.

Because. It sounds stupid, I know. But I am the best man she ever had in her life. And I doubt she will find someone like me ever again.

[jibber]

Because. It sounds stupid, I know. But I am the best man she ever had in her life. And I doubt she will find someone like me ever again.

It doesn't sound stupid. I know the same is true for me and my ex. I am far from perfect, but from what she told me about her previous partners, i must be Mr. Universe in comparison. All her family seemed to be really happy she found me as well.

I believe deep down they know it.

Remind yourself about this, that you know you are not a bad person. I truly believed her devaluations, and i'm just slowly coming back to my true self and to being happy and proud of who i am.

Like you wrote in the letter to her inner child, i saw the inner child in my ex too... . you can't help but love them... . and they know how good you were. Sadly, that inner child is not allowed to speak very often. Maybe it's better we would write letters to our OWN inner child.   

[pipehitter]

Because. It sounds stupid, I know. But I am the best man she ever had in her life. And I doubt she will find someone like me ever again.

It doesn't sound stupid. I know the same is true for me and my ex. I am far from perfect, but from what she told me about her previous partners, i must be Mr. Universe in comparison. All her family seemed to be really happy she found me as well.

I believe deep down they know it.

Remind yourself about this, that you know you are not a bad person. I truly believed her devaluations, and i'm just slowly coming back to my true self and to being happy and proud of who i am.

Like you wrote in the letter to her inner child, i saw the inner child in my ex too... . you can't help but love them... . and they know how good you were. Sadly, that inner child is not allowed to speak very often. Maybe it's better we would write letters to our OWN inner child.   

Weird thing... . in retrospect.

She never devaluated me in the classical sense. She never insulted me, never went further than "you are iresponsible". Stuff like that.

Never said "I hate you." Never said "I don't love you."

She hurt me, yes. But rather with her irrational "decision" and the cold way she pulled through.

But the thought that at least the 3year old M. knows who I am is soothing.

[pipehitter]

Something else to consider, which is weird.

I still can look at her fb. We made a page for her dog a year ago, seems she forgot about it.

She blocked me. And seems to want me out of her life, But she didn't delete photos of us.

Well, the photos are not very couple-like, just us doing sports. Or her visiting in europe (it was with me, but no photos of me to begin with.)

So if she wants to "erase me". why not the photos?

So was the blocking only a "sign"?

[jibber]

Weird thing... . in retrospect.

She never devaluated me in the classical sense. She never insulted me, never went further than "you are iresponsible". Stuff like that.

Never said "I hate you." Never said "I don't love you."

She hurt me, yes. But rather with her irrational "decision" and the cold way she pulled through.

But the thought that at least the 3year old M. knows who I am is soothing.

Mine never went to the lenghts of what i read in some other posts here. She was never violent. But yes, she was verbally abusive sometimes. I never heard things along the lines of: "i don't care if you are dead" from another partner before in my life. What mine did a lot more was talking to me like a mother to her child, in a belitteling way of telling me all the things i do wrong (those were more without curse words, and more along the lines of "you are irresponsible".

For me it's the same, it helps me to think her inner child knows who i am (the good person she loved so much). I am very sure they do know it... . but i also believe they don't allow that inner child a voice very often. Especially after you are painted black.

I can only imagine in what state you are right now. I think it's all very fresh for you still... . i wish i could take away your pain right now... . we all know to some degree how much it possibly hurts right now. Trust me... . i've spent WEEKS crying everyday, not knowing how to hold myself when all i wanted it someone to hold me. Crying for hours literally saying out loud "please, i can't anymore!" through the tears... . going to sleep with headaches, vomiting from the headaches from too much crying... . trying to make sense of it all... . it will get less intense eventually, hang in there my friend!

I don't care what some people on this site are saying. I believe, BPD or not, they are human too... . so yes, i believe they hurt too, they miss us too, even if it's just the 3 year old M. that is not allowed to speak anymore to you now (funny enough, my ex's name also starts with an M).

In my opinion, she didn't forget anything. She knows how good you tried to be for her, trust me. But for whatever reason (guilt, avoidance, shame, whatever), you are painted black, and you will probably have to accept this, as sad as it is.

You're not alone mate.

[jibber]

So if she wants to "erase me". why not the photos?

Mine blocked me several times and unblocked me again (i am guilty of this myself). But she kept the picture i made for her birthday, she kept everything (and still does so i think). In our last recycle, when i went to her flat, she still has a toothbrush and toothpaste for me next to hers... .  

It's really hard to understand.

Actually, "weird" is a perfectly fine feeling in regard to what they do. So many things that our "rational" brains can't understand. I try not to end up in rumination about it too often anymore... . you will maybe not get most of the answers to the questions you would like answered so desperately now... .

[Infared]

Jibber...

I had a lot of similarities that you are discussing.

My pwBPD would have these ”female" infections and in the middle do the night she would have to go to the emergency rm and I would always get up and of course go with her and she would kind of be amazed or something and telling me that I did not have to go, but I would almost feel like it as a test or something, too. (I did not know what BPD was when we were together.) I loved her, of course I went?

Her parents also really loved me, too. They were as big a loss for me when she flipped. Unlike you though, mine ran off with her new knight in shining armor who she was already in a relationship with while living with me and immediately started villainizing me.

I saw her inner child often when we were together, but once she painted me black, that was that. It was a week before Christmas. It was soo painful and confusing. In a instant (it seemed to me) I was replaced. The whole time her denying that there was anyone else. I have no idea what she said to her parents.  Her Mom did send me a note when my mother died, which I was so grateful for.

I made contact a few of times with my ex, but I always got this arrogant, smug person who would be friendly at first,but then become viciously abusive, verbally. Usually when I would bring up all of the lies she told me. I could never understand any of it.

I had futile hope for a year... . I just did not know about BPD. One day, after there had been no contact for ages, I was out putting my mountain bike on my car and she did a 5-time drive by which I was watching with my peripheral vision and she pulls in behind my car and I asked if she was still with my replacement, when she said yes, I said GOODbye and before she had even opened the door it was closing and she left. None of that for me, thank you.

I was in therapy and told this to my therapist, I had such a hard time seeing clearly because of the emotional pain. She told me that my ex was just stopping by to throw me a couple of bones... . so true but so painful.

About a week later I sent my ex a very calm voice mail, telling her how dishonest, and mean I thought she was, how she certainly was not the person that she presented to me, and that I wanted her to stay out of my life. (This is one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life.). I got no response and "I" have never made any contact with her ever again. I still hurts, but I just will not take ANY of what she is dishing out on any given day. I know she is very sick, and  I wish her well in my heart... . but I take care of me. She has him and her family... . I live alone.  I just take care of me.