I keep triggering my friend/ex

[Red Sky]

Hi everyone. I hope you don't mind me jumping in here and posting right away but I'm quite anxious at the moment. TW: suicide.


About 8 months ago I started up a relationship with a young lady who quite soon into the relationship told me she had BPD. I decided to proceed with caution. It fairly soon (a couple of weeks) became apparent that she was falling for me a lot harder than I was falling for her and I tried to break it off because I was very scared of hurting her badly. She didn't take it well and I promised to remain her friend despite my fears that doing so would stop her moving on.

She is the kind of person who has a fear of abandonment, a lot stronger than I could ever have guessed, she seeks validation from others and is super super sensitive. She is super super nice and a very good person - maybe a result of how sensitive she is. She has never been abusive toward me or, to my knowledge, anyone else, but suffers a lot with self loathing.

So, after a few months where it became apparent that she was chasing after me when I'd moved on (I remained her friend, remained supportive but tried to keep it totally platonic... . She didn't see it that way) I attempted to disengage from her life, because I felt that me being her friend was only going to make her miserable and stop her from moving on. She was hysterical. I had to recant.

A few months on... . I'm still her friend. And in the last month, my work and family commitments have been such that I've not been able to spend hours on instant messenger or on the phone to her every day to keep up the support she needs, and I can't make her understand that. (Highlight the text to read: tw) In addition, I've triggered her three times in the past month: twice to the point of suicidal thoughts. Last night, to the point where she almost did it. I didn't even think she was that upset, so I told her that it was midnight and I was tired and I would talk to her in the morning... . And oh god, I was the last person she spoke to.

I can't do this. I can't do the walking on eggshells. I literally do not have hours a day to spend talking about her problems any more. My ex used to say he would commit suicide to try and make me take him back, so for me any thought that I could cause this to happen makes me go 'I HAVE TO GET AWAY NOW'. And I feel this relationship is bad for my friend and it's really taking its toll on me. I don't know if it will hurt her too much to disengage from her. I don't know how to disengage and I don't know how to make it work either.

Thoughts?

And thank you to anyone who made it through that.

[Narellan]

I can't see any of the highlighted text. It's completely white. Can you bold it maybe? X

[Narellan]

I think at this point you need to go NC. You can't help her, you are a trigger now. If she wants to commit suicide she will. You can't watch her every move. The fact that she's now attempted it, she will be in good hands medically speaking. This is your cue to get out now. I know that seems cruel. But it's kind. Do not respond to her again. NC . Block her on FB and block her number. It's very very sad but you are not responsible for her. There are some great resources on here I suggest you read regarding NC and emergency situations.

Try to breathe. You are not responsible for this situation. Let the professionals handle it from here. Peace to you 

[Red Sky]

I'll change it to normal. The idea was that it was a color that wouldn't be visible unless you highlighted it using your mouse, just in case it was read by someone who was triggered accidentally.

[AllisG]

I could read it by highlighting it.

[Red Sky]

Reposted: at least it's not at the top of the page

A few months on... . I'm still her friend. And in the last month, my work and family commitments have been such that I've not been able to spend hours on instant messenger or on the phone to her every day to keep up the support she needs, and I can't make her understand that. (Highlight the text to read: tw) In addition, I've triggered her three times in the past month: twice to the point of suicidal thoughts. Last night, to the point where she almost did it. I didn't even think she was that upset, so I told her that it was midnight and I was tired and I would talk to her in the morning... . And oh god, I was the last person she spoke to.

I can't do this. I can't do the walking on eggshells. I literally do not have hours a day to spend talking about her problems any more. My ex used to say he would commit suicide to try and make me take him back, so for me any thought that I could cause this to happen makes me go 'I HAVE TO GET AWAY NOW'. And I feel this relationship is bad for my friend and it's really taking its toll on me. I don't know if it will hurt her too much to disengage from her. I don't know how to disengage and I don't know how to make it work either.

[Narellan]

I replied to it up above when I modified my earlier comment. Please read up.

[Red Sky]

THANK YOU Narellan. I have not been able to get out of my head that it is wrong to abandon someone in their time of need.

My one issue is that next semester we will both be postgrads in the same department at uni (is this choice to do with me? Maybe a bit.) so I'll have to see her eventually. The remaining four months could be enough cooling off time but we do have mutual acquaintances.

The last time I attempted NC, she got in touch with one of said acquaintances - my abusive ex. The fallout from that was INCREDIBLE.

[cosmonaut]

Hi RedSky.

I'm so sorry to hear about the struggles and heartache you have been through with your friend.  You have been dealing with a very great deal, and I can understand why you feel so overwhelmed.

I do think it is time to seek professional help for your friend.  Suicide is something that really does require intensive, professional help.  Please do not hesitate to call 911 or your country's emergency number if you feel that your friend is in danger.

Please also understand that this is NOT your fault.  Often we feel very guilty because of the behavior of someone we are close to with BPD.  We can often feel responsible for them feeling and behaving in the way that they are.  We must remember that this is not the case.  BPD is a very serious disorder.  Please know that this is not your fault and you can not fix it.  You have done all that you can to be supportive and caring, and this is taking a very heavy toll on you.  I think it is time to entrust your friend to professional care.

Do keep posting, RedSky.  Let us support you.  I know you are going through a very, very difficult and painful experience.  We're here for you.  

[Red Sky]

Actually she's been in treatment for about three years, and recently her therapist said she could stop having sessions because she would need to learn to cope on her own at some point. It seems like since then she has become very erratic.

Fortunately last night she stopped herself and made an emergency psychiatrist appointment. I only know this through a friend who lives closer to her than I do, because she isn't speaking to me.

You guys have been amazing already. I've been too scared to tell anyone I know. I fear getting the reaction that I'm callous, that it is wrong that sometimes I just want the stress out of my life, that I want to live without thinking that one day I will say one wrong word that causes a huge chain reaction. I'll sleep better tonight and probably a lot of nights in the future.

[Narellan]

Cross the post grad bridge when you come to it. I would then be civil but but not engage.

I understand how desperate this must make you feel. Cosmonaut has given you some good advice for dealing with her. But to deal with you, please read the resources here I mentioned above. Do not have ANY further contact. Don't acknowledge this SA at all. Anything you do will be misread and further trigger her. There are people her on this site day and night for you if you need support. Please use it. You are not alone in this situation. Many here have experienced similar and will provide you with support. Peace. 

[cosmonaut]

Actually she's been in treatment for about three years, and recently her therapist said she could stop having sessions because she would need to learn to cope on her own at some point. It seems like since then she has become very erratic.

Wow, I can't even imagine what kind of a therapist would discharge from their care someone who is so clearly unstable and even suicidal.  That is crazy.  I'm so sorry that happened.   That's good news that your friend has made an emergency appointment with someone else.  She needs professional care.

Please don't feel guilty, RedSky.  This is really not your fault.  You didn't cause this.  Your friend has a very serious disorder.  She needs professional help in her recovery from that, and this is not something that you can do for her no matter how much you care about her.

I can tell you have a big heart and that you care, but you have done everything that you can.  It's time to allow the professionals to take over from here.  You can take pride in knowing how much you tried to help someone who really needed help.  You did a good thing.  

[Red Sky]

It is crazy isn't it? I suspect that a lot of it is to do with the fact that there isn't a lot of provision for mental health care in the area (really deplorable). Overstretched staff, waiting lists and so on... .

I've taken a deep breath and hit the 'Block' button on EVERYTHING.

I've not used a support group before and the fact that you were ready to take the time to help a total stranger means so much to me. Weird though it may sound it is incredibly heartwarming. I can't thank you enough.

[cosmonaut]

It's very hard to step away, but sometimes that is the best thing that we can do.  You have done everything you can, RedSky.

Thank you for your kind words.  I'm glad you are here and hope you will continue to post.  Often it can be a difficult road to travel in separating from someone close to us with BPD.  We're here to support you.  All of us here have been in similar situations and we can all understand and sympathize.

[OnceConfused]

RedSky:

Her continued chasing after you is a first step used often by BPD. Luckily you did not bite the bait, while unfortunately many of us did not. 

My ego was so flattered of her chasing me even though inside me I felt something was amiss with the xBPDgf.  I chose to ingnore those feeling and felt into trap. Once I was in the trap, the onslaught of BPD came. 

Your friend there will try to make you feel guilty of leaving her as she transfers her internal struggle and blame onto you. Your best bet now is to disengage:

1. Not answering the texts. You can be polite to send 1 text to say that you are very busy now and you are not interested in any long term relationship. then from then on hit delete keys and ignore her texts. after about 2 or 3 days of no response she will get the message.

[Red Sky]

She is blocked on every communication form known to man. No further contact. Getting calmer already. Your advice helped a lot. Otherwise I would probably still be in touch with her and stressed to bits, and who knows how I would have provoked her... .

[Narellan]

Thinking of you redsky. You're doing so well. Good for you. Peace