Consequences

[millie66]

I am the mother of a d34, who basically ran wild since age 14.  She briefly underwent counseling, refused medication, thought then as now that she knows better than anyone. 

I recently underwent counseling for a about year to learn how to set boundaries with her.  Two years later, I'm where chooselove is (almost).  Remarkably, detaching is an oddly comforting skill and the choice to maintain your composure and not allow yourself to be drawn in is empowering; however, it is so tiring to sidestep the casts without being hooked every time I meet with her, so I limit my time with her, but when I leave to return home, I'm worn out.

My daughter has been able to support herself for the last two years on her inheritance from her father, who unexpectedly passed away at age 56.  As would have been expected, she blew through the money.  Her rent is currently paid (through the remaining dollars of the estate) through August and recently, she did find herself a roommate, who will pay half the rent each month.  She has a son(2), who lives between her home and his dad's father's home, a real "catch" who hasn't had a job in three years, although he cares for their son when she works (although her jobs never seem to last long term).

I dread the end of August, wondering if she will have her half of the rent for September and in fact, will she have a roommate (considering she's been through one).  How I try to detach myself from that worry, is I just say something like you are a grown women, I'm certain you can figure it out.

I try not to worry that she will be on the street, but one thing is certain, she cannot live with me.  That situation ended seven years ago, when I finally made her leave.  So, my question is, how to best detach from thinking about what could happen in August?  Honestly, I believe my daughter is more detached than myself about the "what coulds", as she definitely lives in the moment!

I also hate holidays and have major boundaries in place, particularly for Christmas.  Again, limiting time, having an activity scheduled sometime during the day, really helps.  My son spent last Christmas with his girlfriend's family (who live in another town) and that was the best gift I received in a long time!

I believe she has made some progress; however, two steps forward, three steps back, i.e., every time she phones, I know something is up, that she needs something, will she tantrum or act crazy or put herself in unsafe positions, as so happened a month or two ago, she was mugged, hit in the head, I never learned what really happened.

It's tough witnessing someone you care about live a desperate life.

Thank you for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders