I Miss

[timebombtango]

I miss being able to decide to go eat at a restaurant and it being ok that I chose that place.

I miss being able to decide what way to cut my hair.

I miss being able to look at things from a normal standpoint instead of hold up the shield cause craps gonna fly and fly hard standpoint.

I miss being able to smile and it not be fake.

I miss being able to just love someone.

I miss being able to decide to get in the car and go down the road for a drive without constantly checking my watch to see how much time I'm allotted to be gone.

I miss having someone ask me how my day is and actually get to finish my sentence before the perception of their day starts rolling along right over me.

I miss waking up in the morning with hope and happiness.

I miss something as simple as eating the last poptart that has been in the pantry for six months.

I miss a lot of seemingly normal basic things. But when you have them taken away. When you spend nearly all your time and effort JUST to make the person your with feel safe, and loved and yet they don't, they wont EVER feel that way. Nothing you say or do will EVER help them. You will always be attacked, belittled, screamed at, yelled at, blame put on... . every descion you make will be manipulated, changed, disregarded, or resented.

I was normal once. I could walk into a store and pick a gallon of milk up and pay for it and walk out. I could go get my hair cut and hey if I decided to dye my hair purple... so be it.

Now... . I tremble and shake every grociery trip or hair appointment, because he is there, he is watching he is judging he is controlling he is flipping out over a little girl skipping by and who accidentaly cuts him off, or a lady cut in line, or some man looked my general direction, or the store smells funny, or ... . 098048903806000000 other things it could be that triggers him. Something else happens, and I get it. My mom looks at him... . I get it. my mom dosent look at him I get it.

I GET he will never BE NORMAL. he will never be able to control himself in a manner that creats a feeling of peace or partnership.

But I cant help but miss those wonderful moments in my life that I used to have.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mace17]

Timebombtango, that is so sad and I am sorry you are dealing with all that.  I can totally relate to a lot of it, especially the one about the restaurants! I know that if I choose a restaurant, it is guaranteed that the food will be inedible, the service will be horrible, the atmosphere unbearable, the drinks not made right, etc. And of course we will never be able to go back there again.  The list of places that we can never go to again is so long, I don't even try to make suggestions anymore so the list doesn't get longer.   

[timebombtango]

Timebombtango, that is so sad and I am sorry you are dealing with all that.  I can totally relate to a lot of it, especially the one about the restaurants! I know that if I choose a restaurant, it is guaranteed that the food will be inedible, the service will be horrible, the atmosphere unbearable, the drinks not made right, etc. And of course we will never be able to go back there again.  The list of places that we can never go to again is so long, I don't even try to make suggestions anymore so the list doesn't get longer.   

Well thank you responding firstly. So happy to know im not alone.in this. I actually NEVER make suggestions. This is how it typically goes.

Him: want to go to town.to grab a bite.

Me: if youd like to thats fine.

Him: i wouldnt have asked if i didnt want to

Me: ok ill get dressed... or insert what needs doing here.

Him: ok hurry im starving.

Me: ill try

H: well only if you want to go,

M:sure why not

H: that sounds like your only going for me

M: no id like to go

H: well i just think you dont so never mind

M: ok whichever youd like is fine

H: id like to go thats why i asked u

M: and i agreed to go

H: but do you really want to

M: sure... . id like to

Lather rinse repeat 20 rounds till.finally we are in the car on our way towards food

Him: where u wanna go

Me: anywhere is fine.dear

Him: TOTALLY WOW YOU IDIOT TONE: you have no.idea what you want?

Me: im not picky i can eat anywhere.

Him : getting more aggitated and says : god would you just pick somewhere please.

Me: mexican place

Him:eyerolls followed with THE ONE THING I DONT WANT... OR MY STOMACH IS.EDGY OR ITLL BE CROWDED OR INSERT REASON HERE.

ME:OK PIZZA PLACE:

H: sigh i.guess just wasnt really wanting pizza.

Me: ok then what were you thinking.

Him: i have no.idea

Me: well how about xyz... .

Himractically yelling ... no i told you my stomach is edgy

Me: well anywhere is fine.

Him: screaming slamming his hand on stearing wheel... . i.hate.this.i.hate this. Deciding where to eat is NOT THAT DIFFICULT MY NAME.

Me: im sorry i made suggestions and you decided thats not a.good idea,im out of ideas. Maybe.if i knew what youd like to eat i could help.

Him: well ill just drive around.till we find a place.

So we.drive around and it starts all over again,

Im hypo glicemic so ive  learned to carry crackers or a peppermint because its 9 ouy of.ten.times that its 45 mins to an hour of the above merry go round before food is in my mouth.

[mace17]

Wow that sounds incredibly frustrating. Mine is a little more quiet and subtle about it, I guess that's one reason I question if it's really BPD because he rarely has rages like that. It's more like subtle psychological warfare than an all out battle.

Last night the restaurant thing came up, but he mentioned a place he wanted to try. I said ok that sounds good. He sat there playing on his tablet, so I didn't bother to get up and move yet thinking he wasn't ready. After 10-15 min, he finally said are you going to stop reading so we can go? I said anytime you're ready, he said he's been waiting for me. This happens every time we go somewhere. So I got up, got my shoes on, said ok I'm ready. Of course then he had to change his shirt, wash his face, comb his mustache, etc. I finally went in the car to sit and wait. We finally left, then halfway there he realized he forgot his wallet so we had to go back. I guess it was good he said something about the wallet, because he usually "forgets" it until we actually get somewhere and then I have to pay.

Somehow it's always my fault if we can't get going because he has to wait for me, but yet when I'm ready he has 20 things to do yet and then if I'm waiting for him I'm rushing him. It's very difficult to get us all out the door to go anywhere.

[twogrey]

These hit home for me, but maybe it's just a guy thing, not so much BPD.  nonDH and I have the same conversations. Just last night we were headed out the door to get dinner and he says "I need to get my shirt" and heads outside. I'm standing in the kitchen waiting, waiting, waiting. Finally look outside and he's waiting on the steps for me, like... . what's taking you so long?  How was I supposed to know his shirt  was hanging outside after doing laundry?

[timebombtango]

Wow that sounds incredibly frustrating. Mine is a little more quiet and subtle about it, I guess that's one reason I question if it's really BPD because he rarely has rages like that. It's more like subtle psychological warfare than an all out battle.

Last night the restaurant thing came up, but he mentioned a place he wanted to try. I said ok that sounds good. He sat there playing on his tablet, so I didn't bother to get up and move yet thinking he wasn't ready. After 10-15 min, he finally said are you going to stop reading so we can go? I said anytime you're ready, he said he's been waiting for me. This happens every time we go somewhere. So I got up, got my shoes on, said ok I'm ready. Of course then he had to change his shirt, wash his face, comb his mustache, etc. I finally went in the car to sit and wait. We finally left, then halfway there he realized he forgot his wallet so we had to go back. I guess it was goo

d he said something about the wallet, because he usually "forgets" it until we actually get somewhere and then I have to pay.

Somehow it's always my fault if we can't get going because he has to wait for me, but yet when I'm ready he has 20 things to do yet and then if I'm waiting for him I'm rushing him. It's very difficult to get us all out the door to go anywhere.

Yep... . i always am waiting after being told to hurry