Abilities and Expectations

[kellygirl601]

My 21 yr old daughter has BPD.  I really struggle with knowing what her abilities are and what are fair expectations of her.  She is on SSI, no way she could emotionally manage to work.  I let her keep a credit card for emergencies since she drives.  Last night she told me she lost it when the lining in her purse ripped and the strap came off.  I already think ":)o I believe her?".  I got upset because I have to cancel the card and she totally flips out.  Thankfully she did not break anything.  She wanted kudos for that, its like I cant pat her on the back enough!  She was very upset because she was supposed to meet a friend and needed gas.  I let her put gas on my card and take the money out of her SSI.  Well, I gave her my other card to take, in effort to be understanding.  She promised she would be back home last night (she sometimes stays overnight with friends that live further away).  Well, she did not come home and I got very heated.  Over the phone she flips out telling me how hard things are for her now and she is barely hanging on.  Yesterday she was dx with fibromyalgia and stress induced alopecia.   I do feel bad for her, but it's always something.  I think about how if she were mentally deficient instead of emotionally deficient (not sure if that's the correct word to use but I couldn't think of anything else) would I be less upset with her?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear Kellygirl

I think we all struggle with what our expectations should be with our kids. Things like this seem to happen to them over and over again. Have you thought about how you could have responded differently? The one thing I don't see here is consequences... . she lost her card? Well I think that means she is unable to go anywhere until the replacement comes. Kellygirl... . who are you angry with the most here? I sometimes feel like I am the most angry with myself for my reaction to the situation and how maybe I didn't stick to boundaries at the time... . could you be upset with yourself for giving her your card after she lost hers?

My dd16 has been looking for a job but nothing has appeared yet... . she sleeps all morning then is up at night... . I asked her P if I should insist she do something and he said it wasn't worth the war but I can with hold money from her and that is what I have chosen to do. She might have an easy summer of doing nothing but I am not going to fund her lazy days for her. I think you have to look for ways to motivate your dd even though she appears helpless. Hang in there!

[HealingSpirit]

Oh Kellygirl,

I'm a newbie here, but I also struggle with similar issues with my BPDd17.  She left an expensive luggage rack at her Junior College because she couldn't be bothered to drag all her expensive art supplies around with her all day.  So, she just left it all in one of the classrooms, unlocked.  I was livid!  We have set boundary after boundary with her because she uses and loses mine and DH's stuff and doesn't care about the consequences.  It is so frustrating because confronting her about it causes her to blow up, and then everybody is sorry.  Her rage makes the loss of a few material things seem insignificant.  But it is really a boundary issue for me.  She doesn't respect my things, or the things she has.

I'm hoping this will change soon.  By some miracle, she just got her first summer job as a dishwasher/busser/server in a local restaurant.  WooHoo!  (Jumping for joy!)  But, I'm finding it hard to really let in how wonderful that accomplishment is because I have a gut feeling it will be very short lived.  This is her first job, and once the newness wears off, I'm afraid she'll get tired of washing dishes, or her boss will discover that she can't finish what she starts, and she doesn't notice the food still stuck to dishes after she's washed them.  But, maybe she'll be able to pull it together and hang in there all summer.  Only time will tell.  Right now, I'm finding it hard to stay in the present moment.  I keep fearing what's ahead of us, which doesn't help me at all in dealing with the present.

I just ordered the books they recommend on this site.  I can't wait to learn some new strategies!  I wish us both lots of patience with our dd's.

[qcarolr]

This is one of my greatest struggles with my BPDDD28. Starting from a very young age. What is she really able to do for herself, and what does she sincerely need my help to do? She has a moderate to severe non-verbal learning disability that started showing up in day care at age 2. Dx at age 6 along with bipolar and ADHD. She still struggles to find the words to ask for what she needs from others, always fearful they will think she is 'retarded' because they can do all these seemingly simple things. Telling time accurately on analog clock, knowing the number associated with the word for the months of the year, knowing what day of the week it is, having legible handwriting, processing information very slowly... . These are all part of the LD. She has developed lots of ways to get others to help her figure these things out without appearing stupid - it takes a lot of her energy each day.

Add the mental health issues on top of this. It is hard for me to stand back when things are being rough for her, or to hold her accountable when it feels like she cannot choose a different way. It feels and looks like pure resistance, defiance, and manipulation. Underneath I can see the fear, confusion, aloneness. So many others either cannot sense this or DD is too good at hiding it with a range of behaviors from being very friendly and compassionate to extreme acting out behaviors.

The hardest part is when I know she is suffering and I am powerless to help her. At least I have learned the tools to be a validating listener and advocate with her. I have taken a stand on a few safety based boundaries and am holding fast to the consequences. I have let her know what things I am willing to do for her or with her. I hold her accountable for doing as much as she seems able - either with me or on her own. For now, even though she is in a very difficult situation, she is not blaming me. She seems to be able to self-reflect a bit and accept her part in some of her consequences. She is asking me for help when no one else seems to get it about what she needs. There is finally someone in the system that seems to be on her side, and in a position to advocate for her more directly than I am able.

All the tools at the right are very valuable. Even though I have been practicing these for several years, I still need a refresher on a regular basis. When I am worn and stressed it is so easy to fall back on old patterns that don't work well for me or anyone around me.

Hang in there.

qcr

[peaceplease]

kellygirl,

What do you think may be unfair expectations of her?  Does she have a debit card?  Or, do you handle her money and just deduct the amount from her SSI? 

One thing that I have learned along the way is that my daughter was capable of doing more, and I needed to stop doing things for her.   She did way more, once I stopped. ie doing her resume.  making phone calls that she was able to do by herself.

I think that a reasonable expectation would be for her to return home with your card. 

I agree with jellibeans, in that I think that you are more angry with yourself.  Trust me, I know the feeling!  I have been feeling it myself, lately. 

And, I agree with qcr about the tools on the right.  And, I need refreshers from time to time, too.