In those moments alone...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am having a alone day today.    My day alone got me thinking and reflecting.    I find that I am learning to enjoy my alone time finally.   Often, when I am alone I go back in time to my teen years when I was really alone and felt it.   My parents were not emotionally there for me & it was a house of closed doors.   If you opened the doors it was to hear yelling & ranting & raving of my mother upset about something my brother did wrong.   In her eyes from when he was born he was a liar, a sneak, a loser, a cheat, stupid and quite possibly the child of Satan.  I wasn't there to experience what has led my BPD sister to end up where she is right now.  I am considerably older.  Right now NONE of the 3 of us are talking.   Broken.  I look at that and it really makes me sad.   However, I can't allow it to simmer in my emotional body and cause havoc on my special alone day.

I can see people post their life stories here just like I did (a piece of it).  A flash, a scene of our childhood.   One that shaped us and taught us what we don't want to do or be as parents if we were able to reflect and learn from this experience.  That does not discount the emotional feelings that we find ourselves sucked back into when we flash visual memories of our childhood that left scars on us that we continue to heal.    Keeping a positive vision of the future and baby steps towards getting there is what I focus on.   What I really have learned is that being able to be alone and feel happy is important.  Many people struggle with this.  I was watching this movie and this woman spent a lot of time alone in it.   She would light all these candles in her bathroom and take long hot baths.   You could hear her thoughts and reflection played in background.    She looked like she was content and healing herself.  What a nice thing to do for yourself!

These days are gifts.  Although I am filtering out some negative emotions and yes,  sometimes I even translate some of those past feelings to place fear or worry into my own future or my childrens.   Am I good parent?   Is my teen daughter going to make good choices?   My son?  Will my family grow in the future?  Will I have happy holidays?    

I don't know what the future "stories" hold but I understand the importance of bringing ourselves into the present moment and recognizing those past emotions.   Awareness & understanding of why we feel the way we do today.   Is this really about "now" or is it about "back then" or as in a previous post someone else wrote is it about "comparing".     Who else is alone today?  Who else is thinking about the past?    My guess is there are other people.     There's my comparision.    Make your time of reflection a good time.  A time to learn.  Take a walk.  Ride a bike.  Watch a good movie.   Take that bath.   I am fortunate that I have a strong belief in the after-life and do believe we have many looking out for us and willing to talk to us in those private moments.    Ask and sometimes you will receive the love, comfort and advice - yes - alone.        Whatever works  - for some of us writing helps or painting or music.      

Sadly,  many of these people with BPD can't do this.   They can't settle or be in touch with their own souls.   No quiet peaceful baths or walks.    I am thankful I did not come out of this like my sister or my MIL.   Sometimes I wonder if I am sane.   What is sanity?    In my opinion grounding oneself is sanity.   Higher levels of self awareness are more sane.    People that have no clue about their own selves need to ground and reflect.   This started with me when I was very young.   I read, listened and learned and watched the world from the outside.  When I went to college I made the conscious decision to participate and engage with others and be on the inside.   For many of this it isn't easy to do.     It takes trust & confidence & faith.    It is still in progress for me... .I keep working on it.

[funfunctional]

I am having a alone day today.    My day alone got me thinking and reflecting.    I find that I am learning to enjoy my alone time finally.   Often, when I am alone I go back in time to my teen years when I was really alone and felt it.   My parents were not emotionally there for me & it was a house of closed doors.   If you opened the doors it was to hear yelling & ranting & raving of my mother upset about something my brother did wrong.   In her eyes from when he was born he was a liar, a sneak, a loser, a cheat, stupid and quite possibly the child of Satan.  I wasn't there to experience what has led my BPD sister to end up where she is right now.  I am considerably older.  Right now NONE of the 3 of us are talking.   Broken.  I look at that and it really makes me sad.   However, I can't allow it to simmer in my emotional body and cause havoc on my special alone day.

I can see people post their life stories here just like I did (a piece of it).  A flash, a scene of our childhood.   One that shaped us and taught us what we don't want to do or be as parents if we were able to reflect and learn from this experience.  That does not discount the emotional feelings that we find ourselves sucked back into when we flash visual memories of our childhood that left scars on us that we continue to heal.    Keeping a positive vision of the future and baby steps towards getting there is what I focus on.   What I really have learned is that being able to be alone and feel happy is important.  Many people struggle with this.  I was watching this movie and this woman spent a lot of time alone in it.   She would light all these candles in her bathroom and take long hot baths.   You could hear her thoughts and reflection played in background.    She looked like she was content and healing herself.  What a nice thing to do for yourself!

These days are gifts.  Although I am filtering out some negative emotions and yes,  sometimes I even translate some of those past feelings to place fear or worry into my own future or my childrens.   Am I good parent?   Is my teen daughter going to make good choices?   My son?  Will my family grow in the future?  Will I have happy holidays?    

I don't know what the future "stories" hold but I understand the importance of bringing ourselves into the present moment and recognizing those past emotions.   Awareness & understanding of why we feel the way we do today.   Is this really about "now" or is it about "back then" or as in a previous post someone else wrote is it about "comparing".     Who else is alone today?  Who else is thinking about the past?    My guess is there are other people.     There's my comparision.    Make your time of reflection a good time.  A time to learn.  Take a walk.  Ride a bike.  Watch a good movie.   Take that bath.   I am fortunate that I have a strong belief in the after-life and do believe we have many looking out for us and willing to talk to us in those private moments.    Ask and sometimes you will receive the love, comfort and advice - yes - alone.        Whatever works  - for some of us writing helps or painting or music.      

Sadly,  many of these people with BPD can't do this.   They can't settle or be in touch with their own souls.   No quiet peaceful baths or walks.    I am thankful I did not come out of this like my sister or my MIL.   Sometimes I wonder if I am sane.   What is sanity?    In my opinion grounding oneself is sanity.   Higher levels of self awareness are more sane.    People that have no clue about their own selves need to ground and reflect.   This started with me when I was very young.   I read, listened and learned and watched the world from the outside.  When I went to college I made the conscious decision to participate and engage with others and be on the inside.   For many of this it isn't easy to do.     It takes trust & confidence & faith.    It is still in progress for me... .I keep working on it.

[Ziggiddy]

funfunctional

I read this blurred with tears. Even though I am quite the opposite to you - I crave time alone, feel ripped off if someone haplessly impinges on it. Used to take jobs where I worked alone doing night shifts to escape the 'peopleness' of life. In later years (after learning about BPD) I can see some hermit traits in this but still demand to have a certain day of the week where no one is allowed in. i go for a 5-8 km run in the morning make myself a treat for lunch and eat my chocolate biscuit in the warm knowing that no one is going to come in and: complain that I haven't done enough work, done enough for them, failed to measure up in some way. I can let my guard down and not feel I have to fix/rescue or provide.

However, due to a backlash from a recent conflict I have for the first time in a lonnng time realised that being alone with PAIN is a very different thing. It seems to grow and loom. Like you I wondered if this is how the pwBPD feels? No wonder they watch TV, socialise, yell, cry etc etc Anything to escape a pain that just WON'T GO AWAY.

I feel my sister might be like you in her experience of her teenage years. My brother and I both got 'overattended' to punitively whilst my sister (who was more than a decade younger) was for the most part almost invariably neglected and ignored. She is rarely alone.

I was intrigued by so many of your reflections:

  If you opened the doors it was to hear yelling & ranting & raving of my mother upset about something my brother did wrong.   In her eyes from when he was born he was a liar, a sneak, a loser, a cheat, stupid and quite possibly the child of Satan.  I wasn't there to experience what has led my BPD sister to end up where she is right now.  I am considerably older.  Right now NONE of the 3 of us are talking.   Broken.  I look at that and it really makes me sad.   

  A flash, a scene of our childhood.   One that shaped us and taught us what we don't want to do or be as parents if we were able to reflect and learn from this experience.  That does not discount the emotional feelings that we find ourselves sucked back into when we flash visual memories of our childhood that left scars on us that we continue to heal.    Keeping a positive vision of the future and baby steps towards getting there is what I focus on.   

These days are gifts. 

Is this really about "now" or is it about "back then"

Higher levels of self awareness are more sane.    People that have no clue about their own selves need to ground and reflect.   This started with me when I was very young.   

Maybe it's maladaptive but I spend a lot of time enjoying memories of the past. Then I come up braking hard against the unpleasant finish of it and ... .<shudder>

I said to my brother a few weeks ago that I had no memory of my mother ever sitting still and just staring into space. I actually used your word - I don't recall seeing her reflect. She dwells in memories and makes plans and does crosswords and reads and watches TX - endless endless TV. She makes things, she moves things, she cooks and she talks. Endlessly. But I rarely find that she thinks about herself in ANY way that acknowledges mistakes or that someone didn't like what she said or did.

On the other hand, like you I have spent a good deal of time since very young reflecting.

I am so so sorry to hear your brother and sister are not on speaking terms with you (or each other I guess?) My brother and I were estranged completely for many many years and in the recent past became very close again - finally working through our childhood trauma together ... and then last week I went into an emotional flashback mode and emailed him angrily about his glib treatment of my complaint. He has almost completely withdrawn from me now and I can't stop the pain. But I took hope from your words - baby steps. Maybe patience. Hope. I'm not there yet but I hopefully will be!

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. This has been quite touching.

And excuse me from hijacking your post to ruminate on my own things! It was helpful. We are none of us alone unless we choose to be.

Peace

[Finding Courage]

Hello, 

I also struggle quite a bit with being alone.  I get very triggered.  It used to make me feel really crazy because I didn't understand the problem.  But now I know that it is an old reaction from my childhood.  Most of my childhood was spent being hyperviligant of my mom and so I didn't get to have an internal focus. Now when I am alone, I feel lost, scared, and worthless.  I think for me it is also a trigger to the abandonment I felt as a kid. 

I think I will always have this problem some, but I have really been trying to work on separating out the past and present in those moment.  Reminding myself that I am safe and whole here in the present and that the emotions I am having are a trauma reaction to the past.

I also sometimes struggle with feeling crazy because I know a lot of people enjoy time alone, down time.  But I try and tell myself that those people don't have my past and haven't been through what I went through. 

It is nice to know I am not the only one with this challenge.  Best wishes. 

[funfunctional]

Hi Ziggiddy & Finding Courage,

So happy you shared.  No hijacking at all Zigs.

It was nice to hear that later on there was resolution with your brother.   Interesting you too have the younger sister.   I think their experiences are very different but my sister seems to be dealing the least.   

I bet Finding courage there are many more struggling with the lonliness.   

I can say that yesterday I enjoyed the alone time!  I watched a couple movies, cleaned and did some "ripping up" of floors for preparation for a new floor.

I feel it is a milestone I am handling this so well.   I felt proud of myself.

Human interaction & friendship & love.   I know I crave being around people.  I am still working on rebuilding support system around me for lack there of family.    But Again - being comfortable in own shoes alone is big!

 

[Ziggiddy]

<applauds> Well done you! How nice for you to recognise and enjoy your own development ff. It's an accomplishment and it's great to see you take pleasure in it. Best still, it helps you on your way to looking forward to the next one. Hope to hear how that goes when it rolls around.