17-yo DD wants to move out & live with boyfriend. Help

[HealingSpirit]

My DD-17 has been going with the same young man (22) for about 6 months.  Their relationship has been very stormy with lots of drama by both of them.  We like this young man, but he got himself into a financial bind to the point that he was days away from being homeless.  So, he decided to move back in with his mother, who lives across the country.  I won't go into all the obvious choices we watched him make that got him into his troubles.  He doesn't do drugs and he had a good job. The bottom line is, even though he's 22, his maturity level is still VERY teenaged, so he lost his job & his car & was about to be evicted.

As you can imagine, my DD isn't handling this very well.  Understandably, she's grieving and she misses him.  So, naturally, she has been taking it out on DH and me... . mostly me.  She quit taking her Xanax, too, and it really helps her control her anxiety and rage.  So, she's been coming home from her new job raging every day since she started.  She keeps telling us, "I hate it here!  I'm moving the day I turn 18.  I'm outta here.  I can't stand to live here.  Why won't you let me move?  Why don't you want me to be happy?"   And on and on it goes... .

Today, I overheard her talking to her BF on speaker phone.  I actually wasn't even trying to eves drop (though I admit, I do listen through the door sometimes). The laundry room is next to her room and I was putting in a load.  I heard him tell her, "Your ticket is a one-way nonstop flight.  Mine had a stop coming out here."

My list of concerns is endless.  BF can't even support himself yet and DD is only days into her very first summer job.  Their relationship is emotionally very volatile, but neither of them see that through their grief.  BF has anger management issues and serious boundary problems.  I fear my DD will drive him to violence, which would ruin his life for good, not to mention she could get badly injured.  But, I can't even let myself worry about that.  The financial issue will cause them HUGE stress.  DD is BPD, but she also has several Histrionic traits, the worst being emotional pain showing up as strange physical problems with no apparent cause.  (Muscle spasms, highly irregular & prolonged bleeding--even while on the Pill, joint pain, back pain, menstrual cramps, vomiting episodes that last for days with no apparent illness, etc.  She even developed seizures 4 years ago, but hasn't had one since we told her she would never be able to drive.  That was 2 years ago.) 

My DD has fully convinced herself that she has no opportunity as an artist here in So. Cal and that she has no support system here.  (Even though we have a large extended family here and they ALL love and support her.  And she has a handful of close friends.  Not to mention, we live within driving distance of 3 of the finest art schools in the country.)  She would be giving up EVERYTHING to go live with this "boy" and his family, whom we have never met and neither has she.  Of course, she has already "bonded" with BF's mother over the phone.  DD has decided BF's mom has already been and will continue to be a great support for her.

So, I'm scared because she turns 18 in October and she's counting days and BF may have already bought her plane ticket.  We're going to have a family meeting with her to try to discuss this rationally.

Anyone have any thoughts or strategies about this?  Have any of you successfully prevented this type of plan?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mama72]

After she turns 18, there is not much you can do about it.

Are you prepared to take legal actions if she runs off? I am not saying this is what you should do, but a 17 year old running away, across the country, to be with her 22 year old bf, can have legal consequences.

[HealingSpirit]

Yes, and I think that will be part of our discussion tonight.  I'm inclined to call and talk to her BF directly AND to talk to his mother.  Oops.  DD just got home.  Time to have our talk.  Wish me luck.

[mama72]

Good luck!    Keep us posted.

[HealingSpirit]

Well, I had just finished typing a novel to post about the results of our "talk" with DD the other night, but my session timed out and I lost everything I'd typed.  Oops!  I guess I wasn't meant to bore everyone with the  details of the whole dialogue.

In a nutshell, the discussion ended with our DD hearing that we wanted her to break up with BF.  What we said was we would help her move out with our blessing when she could assume all the physical and financial responsibilities of being an adult.  Then we asked her who would pay for her medical bills, car payment, car insurance, prescriptions, school costs, etc. 

What she heard was that we thought she should break up with him.  So, I left the conversation very frustrated.  She came back in the room about 5 minutes later and said--a little too calmly, "There.  It's done.  I broke up with him.  Are you happy?"

I got to thinking about all this later and I realized if she DID really break up, then perhaps she needed to use us as a buffer so she didn't have to take responsibility for it herself.  OR, the other possibility is that she didn't really break up, and that she'll still leave when she's 18.  She hasn't been crying or expressing the grief that comes from a true breakup and I know she still talks to him on the phone.  So, I doubt she really broke up.

I hope and pray she decides to wait until she is really ready to move out.  18 is not a magic number that suddenly causes one to be able to handle all the aspects of being a full-fledged adult.  My DD17 is still emotionally 3-years old, and she has other developmental lags that come with AD/HD.  Now that we know she has BPD, I wonder if she'll EVER be able to live successfully on her own.  -sigh-

Thanks for listening!

[pessim-optimist]

How are you doing today? How's your dd doing?

Is there anything you can think of to start a conversation and validate your dd's feelings about the situation?

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Pessim-Optimist,

Thank you for thinking of us!  I feel a lot more support and not so alone since I started coming here.  It feels good to be thought about!

Things have been better since yesterday.  She definitely did NOT break up with BF, but almost her entire support system she has talked to about moving (friends & extended family) have said the same thing.  If/When she moves out, to be near her BF, she needs to be on equal footing with BF.  That means, she'll need to have a job, a car, an apartment of her own, even if it's with roommates other than BF, and be enrolled in college.  During her rational moments, she does understand this. 

The other strategy that is working--for now--is DH and I have met with our family DBT therapist.  He suggested that DH step up and handle ALL the interactions with DD.  DD usually doesn't direct her rages at DH.  (But, he typically sits and watches without stopping her abuse towards me.  Also a button for me.)  DH had a long talk with DD while I was out the other night.  He made it very clear to her that we will support her under certain conditions: she must be in treatment and she must have equal footing with BF before she moves.

I'm grateful that he got through to her, but I'm also frustrated because that is EXACTLY what I was trying to tell her in the first place!  She just doesn't respond positively to my style of communicating.  So, I'm glad I can rely on DH to step up and step in.  I wish everyone else here had other options to lean on when things get out of control.  It still hurts that DD twists nearly everything I say, and she hears criticism when there is none.  But at least I can back off and have DH step in.

I also let DH know he isn't alone in dealing with her.  I'm still available for private consults and discussion.  But when we have family meetings, I'll be the one with my mouth shut.  And when DD asks me for permission to do something, I'm saying, "Hmmm.  Let me talk to Dad about that."

Lastly, I think I had Divine inspiration yesterday because I got an idea that I think will help DH in setting the boundaries I've been trying to establish all along. I suggested he use a workplace model and set up family Policies & Procedures (for divvying up chores, etc.), Basic Quality Control Standards, and Human Resource-type procedures for discipline.  i.e. verbal warning, written warning, temporary suspension, etc.  DH is very OCD about following all the rules at work, but at home, he's been oblivious to boundaries and limits.  He hasn't acted on it yet, but he said he gets the idea now, so that's a start.

I know DD may still flee the minute she turns 18, but she knows she has our support if she does it rationally, and not due to an emotional rage.  So we'll see... .

[pessim-optimist]

That's quite a good report!

First step accomplished: you are on friendly terms again. You will be able to support her and help her much better when she understands you are on her side... .

What is your DH doing differently that works and that you could learn from him?

Also - does your husband like to read books? The book BOUNDARIES is a really good one on the topic.

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Pessim-optimist,

What a great question! I've never really analyzed what DH does differently and you've got me thinking about that.  It's funny how the tables turned now. DD used to misunderstand DH's responses (or lack thereof), so she would come to me for everything. There's a LOT of dramatic history there, including DD having DH reported for abuse when she hit puberty & her hormones were changing.  (Completely unfounded, but still difficult at the time.)

In family therapy, we learned DD and DH both have ADHD, so he has very personal understanding about those challenges that I can't relate to. That helps! He also has Aspbergers, which is a mixed blessing.  He misses a lot of her verbal abuse directed at us, so he stays calm & doesn't respond to it.  But he also misses how he comes across to others at times, which sets off DD sometimes. (That was part of what led to the previous drama I mentioned. Sometimes, I call it Ass-bergers because he can really be one. LOL!)

Another thing he does well is just listen (or pretend to) when she rants.  I'm glad he's stepping up to do this now because she's a bottomless pit when she needs attention or wants to vent.  And I'm so worn out after years of it, I just don't have the patience to listen for very long anymore. And setting a boundary by telling her I can listen for 10 minutes, and then stopping after 15, also sets her off.  DH doesn't do that. But she doesn't berate him when he does have to stop listening.  He wasn't emotionally available much when she was young. (Another reason for all the drama back then.)

Since then, he's been in therapy & has learned some skills. (A few, anyway.)  So, maybe she's allowing him to make up for lost time?

DH is also very good at using SET.  He can be very validating & sympathetic when he's focused on it. I'm good at that too, but when I get to the Truth part, DD goes off on me. She hears criticism, so I have more to learn about how I present Truth.

In the meantime, I'll be the one sitting quietly while DH talks to her.

Thanks for asking such a great question!