Over a year now and finally

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

went to see my atty today. The custody eval was 16 pages long. It said nothing negative about me and my relationship with either boy. It had a lot to say about xBPDw and it wasn't flattering.

Basically she has no relationship with them.

I read the report and found an entire page of lies from ex. I have proof about most of the lies. My atty thinks we will not be going to court since ex will have a very difficult time. He thinks her atty will spell things out to her.

The recommendation is that dad gets, at minimum, 50/50 custody.

I believe that once 50/50 custody becomes official it will morph to 80/20 or more.

Ex apparently involved her therapist in the eval. The report states that ex is now diagnosed with an adjustment disorder which was caused by our separation/eventual divorce/etc. Ex left in 2007, filed for divorce and it took three plus years to finalize the divorce mostly from ex's deal tactics.

I talked to my atty and he thinks that much of what I pointed out was put in the report to bolster my case. He said that nothing in the report is something ex can use against me in court.

I told my atty to file a petition today so a court date can be set asap. I want things to be finalized before the start of the school year. I told him that he can try negotiating with ex and her atty but I want a court date set. He agreed with my plan.

I am asking for more time with the boys during the school year since they do over 90% of all their school work when with me. The summer schedule is 50/50. I have no problem with the summer schedule. Ex wanted the majority of time in the summer with the boys. The report reads that we both agreed that the summer be split 50/50. I pointed that out to my atty. He indicated that the evaluator took liberties to promote my case. As much as I like the fact that the eval is very positive for me I don't like the fact that things are being misrepresented. This entire experience has put a very bad taste in my mouth and I am very cynical about the family court system.

[david]

went to see my atty today. The custody eval was 16 pages long. It said nothing negative about me and my relationship with either boy. It had a lot to say about xBPDw and it wasn't flattering.

Basically she has no relationship with them.

I read the report and found an entire page of lies from ex. I have proof about most of the lies. My atty thinks we will not be going to court since ex will have a very difficult time. He thinks her atty will spell things out to her.

The recommendation is that dad gets, at minimum, 50/50 custody.

I believe that once 50/50 custody becomes official it will morph to 80/20 or more.

Ex apparently involved her therapist in the eval. The report states that ex is now diagnosed with an adjustment disorder which was caused by our separation/eventual divorce/etc. Ex left in 2007, filed for divorce and it took three plus years to finalize the divorce mostly from ex's deal tactics.

I talked to my atty and he thinks that much of what I pointed out was put in the report to bolster my case. He said that nothing in the report is something ex can use against me in court.

I told my atty to file a petition today so a court date can be set asap. I want things to be finalized before the start of the school year. I told him that he can try negotiating with ex and her atty but I want a court date set. He agreed with my plan.

I am asking for more time with the boys during the school year since they do over 90% of all their school work when with me. The summer schedule is 50/50. I have no problem with the summer schedule. Ex wanted the majority of time in the summer with the boys. The report reads that we both agreed that the summer be split 50/50. I pointed that out to my atty. He indicated that the evaluator took liberties to promote my case. As much as I like the fact that the eval is very positive for me I don't like the fact that things are being misrepresented. This entire experience has put a very bad taste in my mouth and I am very cynical about the family court system.

[Boss302]

Well, first off, congrats on a good evaluation report! That's actually very important.

What the evaluator said about her troubles me, though - if she has no involvement with the kids, then that bodes ill for her ability to be a "full service" parent, and that could spell trouble for your kids when it comes to things like school and health issues. Based on the report, I'd say her parenting time should be minimal, and limited to what I like to call "hanging out" time - weekends and one night a week. I would also insist on the court giving you primary "decision making" on anything you find critical (health care, education, etc). Have the court give you the responsibilities you've shown yourself most capable of taking on, and give the rest to her. That way, you can "parallel parent," versus co-parenting, which you've probably already found out is exceptionally difficult with a BPD. You have some leverage here - use it in your kids' best interest.

My case ended up with me as the primary custodial parent, and BPDx gets the kids three weekends a month. That leaves me with the critical responsibilities, and her with being the "weekend mom." I think that was the best outcome possible, and it's a sea change from when she had primary custody - she allowed our D17 to basically blow off a year and half of high school, kept D13 home for weeks at a time with "tummy aches," and utterly failed to get the kids medical and dental care when she needed it.

Paradoxically, I think that's worked out better for her - she's relieved of the everyday responsibilities of parenting, which she could never handle because of her BPD anyway, and can focus on simply being with the kids. Put differently: her irresponsible behavior can only damage the kids so much when she's just hanging out with them on weekends and hitting the mall, eating out, going to movies, etc. And it also worked out well for me - the "time off" allows me to decompress, de-stress, and have a love life.  

And forget about her misrepresentations - refute them, but don't spend any more energy than you have to on them. Spend the energy on continuing to be a good parent.

[livednlearned]

I am wondering the same thing, david. Is the eval favorable enough to ask for decision-making? (If that's how it works where you live).

Are you going to ask for more than 50/50?

Also, do you think "spelling things out for ex" might lead your ex to fire her attorney and get another one? Which will cause more delays. Not much you can do about that, though.

Good thinking to get a court date on the calendar.

If it goes to court, your L can get her on the stand and pretty quickly discredit her false accusations. My L is really good at this. By the time she says, "I have no further questions, your honor" my ex looks like a bad fiction writer.

[trappeddad]

And forget about her misrepresentations - refute them, but don't spend any more energy than you have to on them. 

How do you refute the misrepresentations?    In trial?   In an email?    Lawyer has a written rebuttal?     I am wandering how to do this without spending many $.

[ForeverDad]

Don't fret over the inaccuracies, there are always some inaccuracies in lengthy reports, some about the ex, some about you.  Be concerned with inaccuracies about you, she's an adult too so let her worry about hers.

It sounds like you're very likely to walk out with a schedule very similar to mine - I have majority time during the school year and equal time during the summer.  Son was very careful in court not to ask for a change but quess what?  Now that it's over he doesn't mind at all spending more time with me. 

After we separated... .   In those 30 minutes before the magistrate she became temporary custodial parent with majority time.  I didn't get anything more until we settled the divorce over two years later.  It took me 8 years (from November 2005 to January 2014) to reverse that initial status set in 30 minutes.

Well, not exactly reversed, despite her now being seen as a disparaging parent she still has a slightly better order now than I had back at the beginning in 2005-2008.  I then had 22.3% versus she now has 25% during the school year and 50% during the summer... .

(Although some mothers here do report they've also had immense struggles to get decent orders, it's almost as though the court dances around the misbehaving, squeaky wheel father too.)

Of course, I already had custody a few years before.  So if your case doesn't change to your custody but you do get majority time, can you try for decision-making or tie-breaker, explaining that it will help you two to stop being such regular customers in court?  The PC might even step up and agree for that... .

[david]

Ex left in 2007 and I went to email only communication around 2009. I have many of the things she said which were not true in emails. I also have witnesses to refute her claims. One of her sons from her first marriage hasn't spoken to her since 2008. In the report ex claims she talks to him on a regular basis. I have a great relationship with him. We went down the shore for several days just last week with the two younger boys.

As far as decision making goes I don't see a problem with that the way it is. We have shared legal custody and she doesn't get involved with the boys education. This year, because of the evaluation, she volunteered to be the homeroom mother for our S11 to show she was involved. Within a few months the teacher figured her out and ex became a non issue.

Ex is an RN and will fight to the bitter end to "save" her perception of being a good mom and nurse. I haven't had any real difficulty with that in the last 7 years so I am not worried about that. Besides, the boys are older (15 and 11) and they have learned to speak for themselves when it comes to health issues. 

I live in Pa. Last year the state supreme court voided all pc's in the state. They ruled that only a judge can make any changes in custody. Pc's were removed from the system. On the plus side, all judges must now put in writing their reasons for their decision. I have overwhelming evidence to show that the boys do over 90% of all their school work with me. I have copies of every homework from the last two years. They all all signed by either me or their mom. That will be introduced as evidence if we go to trial. Judges are required to use the evidence to make their decision and they must now put their reason in writing.

Ex's atty actually left her firm and is now working for my atty's firm. She is not allowed to work for ex because of a conflict of interest. Ex has been informed of this last year. Her atty is recommending another atty to replace her.

Another thing that was mentioned is that ex restricts the boys calling me. According to the report both boys said they could call their mom anytime when they are with me. Depending on mom's mood they are allowed to call me or not. I have phone records starting this January. They would call me 2 to 5 times a week until April when both house phones "disappeared". When they asked to use her cell phone they were told that the phone did not have enough charge in it. My atty has the phone records.

The biggest complaint from ex about me in the report is that I do not speak to her and only communicate through email. She apparently wants us to sit down and talk on a regular basis. Our court order actually says that during pick up times the one parent must stay in their residence until the other parent drives away. I follow the order.

Email communication eliminates all he said/she said allegations. It also eliminates emotional ploys by ex. That was her strength in dealing with me. She could twist things so fast and furious she had my head spinning. With email that is not possible since I can read the email and reply to the specific thing about the boys and disregard all the rest.

[livednlearned]

Do the misrepresentations and inaccuracies carry any weight with the legal argument and the petition you're making to change custody?

Maybe press your lawyer about his strategy and how he plans to argue your case. My L tended to wait until the last minute to put together trial binders and prepare for my hearings until I realized that wasn't working for me. I would get the motions early and she would ask for feedback, but then I kinda let the ball drop and didn't ask questions about what she was going to do in court, what evidence, what questions she was going to ask N/BPDx during testimony. I don't make myself a nuisance, just send a few emails or talk to her for 10-15 minutes to hear the game plan. She knows now that I am part of planning the strategy and that I want her to spell things out before she prepares.

Go through each inaccuracy and ask your L if they in any way diminish your chances to get what you're asking for. I think Ls recognize when they have a client who has a clue, and will prepare better and be more attentive to your case.

[david]

I want to read the report again in about a week. I am not allowed to have copies. I can only read it at my atty's office. I plan on looking through it closer and listing things in a better fashion than the other day.

My atty does communicate well with me. My last atty was not that good at communication and seemed unprepared. This has been dragging on since last August so I plan on going over things with my atty again so we are both on the same page if we have to go to court.

Right now, the plan is to see if my atty can negotiate with ex or her atty instead of going to court. He has my proposal for the modifications and knows what is important and what can be negotiated away so ex feels like she won something. I expect that to take a week or two. As long as we have a court date there will be an incentive to get this done. From the way my atty looked at the report ex has no standing to not agree.

I filed last August. My main reason to modify custody was that the boys do the majority of their homework when with me and ex has majority of time during the school year. I have copies of all homeworks from the prior year to back up what I say and also one page detailing the pile of papers. I thought, wrongly, that ex would change her behavior this last year since I had filed a petition spelling that out. I have copies of this last years homeworks and it mirrors the year before.  The report states that ex's style is to let the children figure it out on their own and that I take a more hands on approach. My hands on approach consists of asking them what homework they have to do and checking it when it is done to make sure it is correct. When they have a problem or question they come to me and I set them on the right path.

[livednlearned]

Assuming you want your ex to settle, I wonder if it would help bring forward some of the proof about your ex's misrepresentations so that your L can share that with her L.

It seems like you want her L to see the extent to which she would be a terrible witness, and could embarrass him if she had to testify. That will help him persuade her that she doesn't want to go to trial.

[Boss302]

Ex is an RN and will fight to the bitter end to "save" her perception of being a good mom and nurse.

And that's because her perceptions are all filtered through the blur of emotions, so what comes out might not necessarily be the truth. I think the truth is that she's probably most effective as a parent when she's a "mom/friend" who does fun things with the kids, versus someone who's primarily responsible for their well being, which is a job she doesn't sound like she's up for.

The biggest complaint from ex about me in the report is that I do not speak to her and only communicate through email. She apparently wants us to sit down and talk on a regular basis. Our court order actually says that during pick up times the one parent must stay in their residence until the other parent drives away. I follow the order.

Email communication eliminates all he said/she said allegations. It also eliminates emotional ploys by ex. That was her strength in dealing with me. She could twist things so fast and furious she had my head spinning. With email that is not possible since I can read the email and reply to the specific thing about the boys and disregard all the rest.

When the time comes, let the judge know why you're doing this, and that the key is to reduce conflict and chaos. The judge in my case actually recommended email communications. Just one more reason for the court to "buy" your story and not hers... . [/quote]

[david]

Ex is an RN... .       Back in 2007/2008 I was worried because I thought ex was suffering from Munchausen. She would take them to the pediatrician for all kinds of ailments I didn't see. That is where listening and validating the boys came in handy. They explained to me that they didn't have the symptoms their mom said they were having. I talked to the pediatrician and also explained to the boys that they had a voice when they went to the docs. As they got older they had less and less ailments at their moms. They learned to speak up at the docs and ex realized that it wasn't working for her anymore. It was never anything serious but it needed to be addressed for them.

The report also has her therapist stating that ex is a "parent from a different generation." I want to read the report over because I think the place it was put is not very flattering to ex. I believe the context in which that was written describes how they are on their own when with her and she gives them no guidance or support. It supports the boys own perceptions which is in another section of the report.

Years back when I discovered ex was sleeping on her weekends and they were basically on their own I began teaching them how to cook and clean up for themselves. It was a lot more than I would have at their ages but I thought it was necessary. The circumstances led me in that direction.

Our court order states all communication about the boys is to be through email. Any modifications (ROFR,etc) must be done through email. Both parties must agree. Once an agreement is reached it can only be changed by another email with both of us agreeing to that change.

The report also states that her T diagnosed her with adjustment disorder which was caused by our separation/divorce. Separation was in 2007 and the divorce was final in 2010. I looked up adjustment disorder and it usually doesn't last this long. This same T diagnosed her back in 2007 with major depression with psychosis, PTSD, and sleep deprivation. Not sure how much her T is helping.

[ForeverDad]

I am not allowed to have copies.

There's a reason for this.  Certain reports are considered sensitive and confidential to the parties.  My lawyer explained why with a story that years earlier one father got a good evaluation and then made photocopies and put them on cars' windshields in the neighborhood.  Yeah, wrong way to say "see, I was right", you can be sure that the court was peeved about that and that dad got taken down a notch.

Surely you can take notes?

[Boss302]

Ex is an RN... .       Back in 2007/2008 I was worried because I thought ex was suffering from Munchausen. She would take them to the pediatrician for all kinds of ailments I didn't see. That is where listening and validating the boys came in handy. They explained to me that they didn't have the symptoms their mom said they were having. I talked to the pediatrician and also explained to the boys that they had a voice when they went to the docs. As they got older they had less and less ailments at their moms. They learned to speak up at the docs and ex realized that it wasn't working for her anymore. It was never anything serious but it needed to be addressed for them.

And I think this is how, in her mind, she justifies more custody... . "The kids are medically needy and I'm a RN, so I'm better suited to be a parent to them." Bingo. 

[livednlearned]

This same T diagnosed her back in 2007 with major depression with psychosis, PTSD, and sleep deprivation.

Sounds like maybe she didn't want to call it BPD... .

[david]

Ex and I both went to her T back in 2007. Ex said it was marriage counseling. We went a few times and T separated us. I went once a week after that by myself. That went on for a few weeks. Finally T said she couldn't see me any more because ex was her client. I knew very little about these kinds of things back then. Ex signed herself into a mental health facility around that time. That's when I called her T and she said she had major depression, PTSD, and sleep deprivation. Shortly after ex got out she left and the blame fiest began against me.

A few months after that I learned about this site and BPD. Everything fit. I figured ex had BPD and the diagnosis was for T to get paid from the health insurance.