Dealing with outsiders and BPD child

[Btv]

My daughter H is 24 years old.  Wrong diagnosis for 15 years…dysthymia.  Nope!  She's Bipolar with BPD and depression.

Working with therapist.

How do parents deal with outsiders when BPD child is agitated?  During family gatherings and social events, my BPD daughter probably appears (and maybe IS) rude.  She'll ignore people when she enters the room.  Other people say, "Good Morning, H" or "How are you doing?" -- you know, everyday etiquette.  I'm sure people think she is a brat.  I've been reading a book about shame and trying to deal with my own shame about having a BPD child.  It's hard for me.

How do other parents deal with this?

thanks,

btv

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Btv]

Hello out there!

I've been reading about things I should do with my BPD daughter.

I'm wondering, how do you react when your BPD child "ignores" proper etiquette such as greeting older persons in your living room; guests at a party.  She tends to ignore them or doesn't speak or acknowledge them which I have told her is rude.  I think outsiders consider her a brat and I don't want to go into details about her condition, but at the same time, I don't know how to deal with these people when questions arise … what's the matter with H?  Is she mad about something?  Did I say something to offend her?

Advice?

[MammaMia]

Many BPD kids are assumed to be "shy".  :)epends on how much information you want to share with others.  That would be your call.

Later -

I assumed she was a small child, but I see in another post she is 24.  That lessens the probability of shyness and increases the probability that she is totally disinterested and may be considered rude by others.  If she does not want to attend these functions, the best solution may be to exclude her.

[MammaMia]

Have you spoken to your dd about this?  She probably (like most young adults with BPD) could not care less what others think of her. They are also socially inept.   Perhaps she would prefer not to be involved

in these activities.  Does she have a choice to attend or not attend?

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Btv,

I'm fairly new here too, and I know what you mean about feeling shame.  Our culture assigns a stigma to mental illness, as though the one suffering with it is to blame.  Or, my favorite... . it's the parents' fault.  I'm coming to understand that it is nobody's fault, so I hope your book about shame helps YOU let yourself off the hook.

I don't have any practical advice about what to say to family members, or whether to say anything.  I have a hunch the solution lies in somehow setting clear boundaries ahead of time about your expectations for how company shall be treated. It is tough having family gatherings and having the pwBPD act up in front of them is so embarrassing.

I hope we can change the stigma about mental illness through our own education, awareness, and sharing with others.  In the meantime, good luck with your DD at the next event.  Hugs!

[Btv]

Thank you all!  I find it a comfort to me to be able to express my feelings without hesitation or judgment!  Wow!  The ideas you have given me are great.  I thought my daughter and I had discussed this situational issue before, but, as I am reminded, she is not able to deal with people openly yet.  So, another heart-to-heart with her for sure.  I keep thinking that she's 24 and then I realize she acts like a child and needs that guidance, still.  I'm going to ask her to talk more and I will listen more!

Also, I was thinking maybe I should make an appointment with her therapist to go over -- do's and don'ts -- when dealing with her.  This is new and I'm trying very hard to understand and internalize everything I read…Keep your advice coming!  This is a great strength for me!

btv

[qcarolr]

Btv -

Does your D24 live in your home? Are the events you are speaking of in your home or at another location? Are these family situations or more with friends or others with a less close connection?

These questions will help figure out how to react depending on the situation. It might also be helpful to work through some of the lessons and tools - I have learned so much here that has enabled more open communication with my BPDDD28 as well as others in my life. This might help you talk with you DD about what you are uncomfortable about.

Another  part for me has been to learn how to feel better about myself, and that my DD is an independent adult. Acceptance that she is who she is, she will do what she does, and that she does not define who I am. My job teaching her as a child is over.

I have also gained the strength and courage to set some boundaries. If she does not want to participate in family events, then she is free to choose to stay away. My response to others is vague - ":)D had other plans for tonight" - then move on to a new topic.

The strengthening of myself, building a network of support for me with friends, therapy, reading and practicing new ways to do things -- little by little things for me have gotten better.

As HealingSpirit shared, there is a stigma about mental illness. This can be especially true with personality disorders. I am finding that it is possible for things to get better as I have learned new ways to communicate and engage with my DD. The tools work when I am grounded enough to use them. Things are better with my DD and I. Her life is still a mess. Our relationship is better.

Be kind to yourself. There is a lot to take in.

qcr

[js friend]

Hi Btv,

Ignoring others is something i observed in my dd19 for many years.At home We couldnt even get dd to say goodmorning or goodnight or such simple pleasentries, OR please or thankyou... . And chit-chat at family functions was out of the question... . so she went to less and less functions in the end

many times she just wouldnt answer people but swear that she had even though it was obvious her lips hadnt even moved, and she would have been within earshot of being heard. Over time i Realised was that dd was often displaying passive aggressive behaviour... . she was annoyed and this was her way of sticking her 2 fingers up at everyone ... . just like the many unanswered text messages or calls to her phone this was just the same.

She just couldnt be bothered and the more anyone when on about it the more she dug her heels in about it. Funny thing was... . dd was never really rude to people  outsider our family that i remember.To someone new she always appeared upbeat and full of beans or just a little quiet. The rudeness was always saved for oUr priviledge.

On the whole she is  much less rude now, which maybe a maturing thing but she still has her moments, when you are not aknowledged at all, but I have learnt to let it go.

Us close to dd have accepted that dds thinking is different from the norm and  now and things are so much easier with acceptance. 

[theplotthickens]

It is so hard to see our children offend other and burn the bridges that would actually help keep them stable!

At 24, I would say nothing to the family members, unless they are close enough to help be involved in her treatment, and you have permission from your dd to share.  If they are helping to treat her, I have them give her gentle, immediate feedback.  Otherwise, the usual response is to withdraw because our kids give the message that they don't like people.

I have tried to give my dd feedback, but she doesn't receive it well from me.

[MammaMia]

Btv

I still believe the option to not attend these functions is a good one.  If H feels pressured to do something with family and friends that she does not want to do, the result will be exactly as portrayed or worse.   

She is 24, give her a choice and abide by what she decides.  She needs to feel as if she is in control.  If she elects to attend and still misbehaves, you do not need to explain her behavior to anyone.  You are not responsible.  If you choose to do so, that is your right and it may help smooth the way if others understand that she is ill.

It has been much easier for me and my son when people learned of his BPD.  They no longer view him as a jerk and respect his need for privacy and fear of crowds due to anxiety.  They have actually been helpful in dealing with him one on one rather than in a group setting.  He is much more comfortable with this. 

Remember, the focus here should be your dd and not what other people think.

[qcarolr]

Remember, the focus here should be your dd and not what other people think.

This was harder for me when DD was younger and the BPD was a new dx. I was also very enmeshed with her. As I have taken care of my own needs better, then I am better able to step back and let others form their own opinions about DD. It is hard to let go of others opinions when I am not feeling secure in myself.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Btv,

I really feel for you!  But I think QCR hit the nail on the head... .

As I have taken care of my own needs better, then I am better able to step back and let others form their own opinions about DD. It is hard to let go of others opinions when I am not feeling secure in myself.

qcr

My biggest challenges with my DD come when I am already feeling vulnerable and un-centered.  For some reason, it seems to be those moments when others are more likely to make comments too.  When I feel good about myself, and capable, and I've been practicing good self-care, I am less effected by what others think.