Its been awhile - trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel

[Parents! Get help here!]

I see many new screen names since the last time I was here (~ a year ago) ... . I am sorry. Long story short, my now 16dd was dx with BPD and possible bi-polar at 14yrs at the state hospital under a 51/50 after repeated suicide attempts (though she swears they weren't) in a 2 wk program called discovery since 3 yrs of prior counseling hadn't helped and no one was sure what was going on as her self harm would come out of the blue despite keeping lots of positive influences around, trips, sports, band etc.

Her first rtc was in Utah where she continued to spiral and escalate her self harm as well as, raging at others, started to enjoy take downs etc focusing on nothing but negative and planning out how she can get thrown in solitary. Needless to say, after 7 months, I moved her to a different rtc - she self harmed the first week she was there but after that started blossoming and really trying to get a handle on her emotions, thinking errors, reframing thoughts, coming to people, using her coping skills etc. It was a miracle! She came home for 5 days around Christmas for a visit and it was like I had my 'old' daughter back - the one she was at 12... . innocent, full of life and energy, compassionate... . happy.

In February, she was released and came home - I wanted her to go to a therapeutic foster home then transition home but her current therapist believed she had enough coping skills and was doing so well, it wasn't needed. The program that is handling all of her therapy appointments, groups, medication etc. chose to take the therapists word over mine saying it wasn't needed seeing how she is a completely different person now than what her file says about her. Well needless to say, 10 days after she arrived, she started to distance and isolate herself again - I tried to get her to talk to me like we had been the past 2 yrs... . the more I prodded, the more she withdrew so I backed off. Two wks later, she told me she wanted to go to the foster home as she couldn't be home anymore since nothing has changed.

I discussed this with the team leader of the program afraid she was going to relapse into self harming again especially seeing how she has made it 6 months (longest time since she started 3 yrs ago). I was told we will see what we can do and oh btw we are giving her a different therapist to work with. Two weeks later, we were granted the Therapeutic foster home placement and told dd16 so thinking she may be relieved. She asked if I was mad? I told her no I am sad, just sad and she walked away. Well that did it - 5 minutes later she was screaming from her room... . I called ems while trying to get the bleeding under control - 211 stitches later, we got her a bed at a local rtc 45 minutes away.

She stayed at this rtc for a month and was told during a weekly family therapy session that dd16 felt she couldn't open up to me as she was afraid I would emotionally reject her despite all the progress we made, honest heart to heart communication over the last 20 months. She admitted she was faking being the best girl she could so she can get out - fantasizing how 'perfect' home would be now and was disappointed it wasn't despite my stressing to her it wasn't. Then the final straw was putting her into a foster home... . the very thing she wanted - the very thing to help keep her safe from herself trying to prevent a relapse.

When she left the rtc, she went straight to the foster home and started making all kinds of plans of returning to regular school, getting a job, driving etc ya know all the things a 16 yr old should be doing. I told her therapist how I felt it was a bad idea seeing how unstable she is and continues to be but they felt it was in her best interest to do everything but drive as she can't even have a permit while she is in the foster home. So its my responsibility to continue to provide her transportation (despite being 30 minutes away), clothing, otc meds etc. I am ok with that.

She spends 4 days a week at her foster home and 3 days in another program called reach - kinda a respite for the foster home, has 2 groups a week and 1 team meeting a month. She went to a 10 day day camp 45 minutes away from the foster home (so 1.5 hrs away from me) for music. At her last team meeting (the first I have been able to attend) her psych dr wanted to know why family therapy hasn't started yet - I said I would like to know as well seeing how every place she has been to it started within a week and its been what? 4 months now and on her 3rd therapist. We were told by the case manager it will start soon just they have been so short staffed it hasn't been possible yet. He ordered a blood draw to see where her seratonin levels were and I requested to test the b complex as its been a couple yrs and b10 and 12 were critically low then... . they agreed, lowered her melatonin dose from 6mg to 3mgs (she was on 9mg) and said we'll see you again in August.

She relapsed again 2 wks ago and again Thursday... . her foster mom says she doesn't understand as everything has been going so well - 2 wks ago dd16 told her she did it cuz she was frustrated with the other girl in the home then she told me she did it cuz she was missing being home then she told the on call therapist and all of us at the hospital she did it cuz she found out a friend was at the rtc 45 minutes away and she wanted to see her - I found out the pharmacy mistakenly gave her regular effexor instead of the xr oh and she missed a dose as her foster parents didn't realize they were out of the meds... . she started her first job at taco bell (allowed to wear long sleeve shirt to cover up the bright red scars) Wednesday - guess they do computer training and the computer was down so was told to come back Thursday, Thursday she started the training and 2 hrs into it was told the manager gave her the wrong program so was told to come back Friday but she'll still get paid for her time. Well Thursday night she was tired so went to bed early then woke up, started journaling reliving her emotions and self harmed cuz it was too much work to talk to someone - of and her therapy appt got moved from Thursday to Friday so she felt she couldn't.

At the hospital her first words was she was sorry... . I lashed out for the first time in 2 yrs and told her sorry doesn't do it anymore. I understand this is a real intense battle you wage every second of every day its just your not even trying to use your coping skills. She said she was - I called her a liar cuz if she was she would have talked to her foster mom or called the on call therapist or suicide hotline or squeezed ice til it hurt or snap her wrist with a rubber band or meditate or reframe the thoughts using facts instead of emotions. She yelled back so its my fault? I laughed and said YES! It is! It is a choice now - we know whats going on - you've been given every opportunity possible yet here we are... . it would be one thing if you actually tried to reach out, go into an outward rage but no! you have to remind everyone sad you are when there is no reason for it cutting yourself to pieces. As she was crying she said so your mad. I told her not just mad but also frustrated, scared, tired, feeling helpless and hopeless - all of the programs and people involved was supposed to help, give her more consistency, continue to help us work on our relationship, prepare her for 'real life' but its all moot unless she actually tries - the sad thing is in 1.5 yrs all the help will be gone and we are on our own... . no one wants to hear me out thinking they all have you under control when the fact is we are no better off than we were 2 yrs ago watching all the work and sacrifices going down the drain and for what? Because no one believes how sad you are and how miserable your life is when you have absolutely no right to make such claims!

The on call therapist told me I was doing more harm than good, these are her choices - its their job to make her choices acceptable no matter how unreasonable they are and continue to give her opportunities to seize life... . its the only way to get through to her and hopefully with time she'll accept them herself. He thinks its a good idea for me to get her a voice recorder so in the second she has negative thoughts she can voice them - I asked so whats going to hold her to doing it? He said her willingness to help herself. It was like he slapped me - I just stood there dumbfounded for a minute then looked at her and said its your life do with it what you will. As I was walking away she asked so this is it? I shrugged my shoulders and said yea it probably is - I have 2 other kids that actually need me one of which has mild dyspraxia, behind on speech from his hearing loss at birth and perhaps dyslexic (will be tested next yr), unable to retain information in a regular classroom being more worried about what others are doing trying to compensate his inability to perform at 6 yrs old and the other that is so hypervigilant that the same thing will happen to him that he wets the bed at 13 yrs old every time I am called to the hospital and prefers anger over sadness unwilling to talk to someone cuz then that would mean he may be hospitalized as well after all what happens to one usually happens to the other right?

Now I am kicking myself in the butt for losing it and not easing her into the truth and the facts like usual, of our situation... . she is smart - wise beyond her years and knows intellectually though emotionally she is as fragile as a 3 yr old perhaps more so. At the same time, I am patting myself on the back saying its about time you grew a backbone - it won't be too long before the boys say hey she does this/that so can I to get my way atm ... . after all it seems to work - no one else to call me on the bs having no real united front and those that do... . I don't have to talk with them and/or can portray how horrible everything is to get my way then when I have it - its everyone's fault why it didn't go how its imagined it would... . pawns in a game of chess making up the rules as one goes on so really its an unfair battle from the get go as no one knows let alone understands when the rules have changed.

So why am I posting? Its that damn inner battle of wanting and trying to do the right thing while being told your a saint for doing what you can, when you can - if only more parents were as invested while being told you can do this/not that reduced to nothing but her perceptions trying to give input that is not headed- stressing how important it is for her to stay consistent and earn privileges as thats what has seemed to work instead of the ok its a setback but life goes on lets coddle her attitude then losing it like that when she needed me clear headed and empathetic - the rock the most that I am supposed to be and have maintained as much as I can sacrificing everyone in the process so as not to lose her then again there really is no 'good' time to blow it I suppose. The fact and truth is I am ready to walk away - can I live with myself with that decision? maybe... . anything is better than this well perhaps not anything - it will be my undoing if I have to bury her though I have already lost her just seeing her is prolonging the inevitable. Am I ready to make it final? no - apart of me believes she is trying despite actions proving she isn't... . I want to believe that way the patience will come again - losing her is losing apart of myself... . I see it decaying, wiping away the bugs just not ready to amputate. Then the question becomes if not now? when? How much more do I have to offer before I am fully consumed? How much more life bs am I willing to take on seeing how this much has taken its toll leaving me to further question what use am I to my boys or anyone else for that matter?

Ya, I am at an all time low - depression is an understatement despite my self care regimen of things I enjoy (baths, books, gardening, planning/updating my home, visiting friends and family I like/love etc) - distractions I can fully invest in abounds... . overcoming my rocky unstable childhood keeping 'family secrets while moving every 2-3 months not being in the military, faced my bio dad daring him to put a bullet in my head like he promised, left and buried my alcoholic abusive husband etc. priding myself for overcoming and staying positive as someone somewhere has it worse but nothing has prepared me for this - this type of devastation

[momontherun]

I see many new screen names since the last time I was here (~ a year ago) ... . I am sorry. Long story short, my now 16dd was dx with BPD and possible bi-polar at 14yrs at the state hospital under a 51/50 after repeated suicide attempts (though she swears they weren't) in a 2 wk program called discovery since 3 yrs of prior counseling hadn't helped and no one was sure what was going on as her self harm would come out of the blue despite keeping lots of positive influences around, trips, sports, band etc.

Her first rtc was in Utah where she continued to spiral and escalate her self harm as well as, raging at others, started to enjoy take downs etc focusing on nothing but negative and planning out how she can get thrown in solitary. Needless to say, after 7 months, I moved her to a different rtc - she self harmed the first week she was there but after that started blossoming and really trying to get a handle on her emotions, thinking errors, reframing thoughts, coming to people, using her coping skills etc. It was a miracle! She came home for 5 days around Christmas for a visit and it was like I had my 'old' daughter back - the one she was at 12... . innocent, full of life and energy, compassionate... . happy.

In February, she was released and came home - I wanted her to go to a therapeutic foster home then transition home but her current therapist believed she had enough coping skills and was doing so well, it wasn't needed. The program that is handling all of her therapy appointments, groups, medication etc. chose to take the therapists word over mine saying it wasn't needed seeing how she is a completely different person now than what her file says about her. Well needless to say, 10 days after she arrived, she started to distance and isolate herself again - I tried to get her to talk to me like we had been the past 2 yrs... . the more I prodded, the more she withdrew so I backed off. Two wks later, she told me she wanted to go to the foster home as she couldn't be home anymore since nothing has changed.

I discussed this with the team leader of the program afraid she was going to relapse into self harming again especially seeing how she has made it 6 months (longest time since she started 3 yrs ago). I was told we will see what we can do and oh btw we are giving her a different therapist to work with. Two weeks later, we were granted the Therapeutic foster home placement and told dd16 so thinking she may be relieved. She asked if I was mad? I told her no I am sad, just sad and she walked away. Well that did it - 5 minutes later she was screaming from her room... . I called ems while trying to get the bleeding under control - 211 stitches later, we got her a bed at a local rtc 45 minutes away.

She stayed at this rtc for a month and was told during a weekly family therapy session that dd16 felt she couldn't open up to me as she was afraid I would emotionally reject her despite all the progress we made, honest heart to heart communication over the last 20 months. She admitted she was faking being the best girl she could so she can get out - fantasizing how 'perfect' home would be now and was disappointed it wasn't despite my stressing to her it wasn't. Then the final straw was putting her into a foster home... . the very thing she wanted - the very thing to help keep her safe from herself trying to prevent a relapse.

When she left the rtc, she went straight to the foster home and started making all kinds of plans of returning to regular school, getting a job, driving etc ya know all the things a 16 yr old should be doing. I told her therapist how I felt it was a bad idea seeing how unstable she is and continues to be but they felt it was in her best interest to do everything but drive as she can't even have a permit while she is in the foster home. So its my responsibility to continue to provide her transportation (despite being 30 minutes away), clothing, otc meds etc. I am ok with that.

She spends 4 days a week at her foster home and 3 days in another program called reach - kinda a respite for the foster home, has 2 groups a week and 1 team meeting a month. She went to a 10 day day camp 45 minutes away from the foster home (so 1.5 hrs away from me) for music. At her last team meeting (the first I have been able to attend) her psych dr wanted to know why family therapy hasn't started yet - I said I would like to know as well seeing how every place she has been to it started within a week and its been what? 4 months now and on her 3rd therapist. We were told by the case manager it will start soon just they have been so short staffed it hasn't been possible yet. He ordered a blood draw to see where her seratonin levels were and I requested to test the b complex as its been a couple yrs and b10 and 12 were critically low then... . they agreed, lowered her melatonin dose from 6mg to 3mgs (she was on 9mg) and said we'll see you again in August.

She relapsed again 2 wks ago and again Thursday... . her foster mom says she doesn't understand as everything has been going so well - 2 wks ago dd16 told her she did it cuz she was frustrated with the other girl in the home then she told me she did it cuz she was missing being home then she told the on call therapist and all of us at the hospital she did it cuz she found out a friend was at the rtc 45 minutes away and she wanted to see her - I found out the pharmacy mistakenly gave her regular effexor instead of the xr oh and she missed a dose as her foster parents didn't realize they were out of the meds... . she started her first job at taco bell (allowed to wear long sleeve shirt to cover up the bright red scars) Wednesday - guess they do computer training and the computer was down so was told to come back Thursday, Thursday she started the training and 2 hrs into it was told the manager gave her the wrong program so was told to come back Friday but she'll still get paid for her time. Well Thursday night she was tired so went to bed early then woke up, started journaling reliving her emotions and self harmed cuz it was too much work to talk to someone - of and her therapy appt got moved from Thursday to Friday so she felt she couldn't.

At the hospital her first words was she was sorry... . I lashed out for the first time in 2 yrs and told her sorry doesn't do it anymore. I understand this is a real intense battle you wage every second of every day its just your not even trying to use your coping skills. She said she was - I called her a liar cuz if she was she would have talked to her foster mom or called the on call therapist or suicide hotline or squeezed ice til it hurt or snap her wrist with a rubber band or meditate or reframe the thoughts using facts instead of emotions. She yelled back so its my fault? I laughed and said YES! It is! It is a choice now - we know whats going on - you've been given every opportunity possible yet here we are... . it would be one thing if you actually tried to reach out, go into an outward rage but no! you have to remind everyone sad you are when there is no reason for it cutting yourself to pieces. As she was crying she said so your mad. I told her not just mad but also frustrated, scared, tired, feeling helpless and hopeless - all of the programs and people involved was supposed to help, give her more consistency, continue to help us work on our relationship, prepare her for 'real life' but its all moot unless she actually tries - the sad thing is in 1.5 yrs all the help will be gone and we are on our own... . no one wants to hear me out thinking they all have you under control when the fact is we are no better off than we were 2 yrs ago watching all the work and sacrifices going down the drain and for what? Because no one believes how sad you are and how miserable your life is when you have absolutely no right to make such claims!

The on call therapist told me I was doing more harm than good, these are her choices - its their job to make her choices acceptable no matter how unreasonable they are and continue to give her opportunities to seize life... . its the only way to get through to her and hopefully with time she'll accept them herself. He thinks its a good idea for me to get her a voice recorder so in the second she has negative thoughts she can voice them - I asked so whats going to hold her to doing it? He said her willingness to help herself. It was like he slapped me - I just stood there dumbfounded for a minute then looked at her and said its your life do with it what you will. As I was walking away she asked so this is it? I shrugged my shoulders and said yea it probably is - I have 2 other kids that actually need me one of which has mild dyspraxia, behind on speech from his hearing loss at birth and perhaps dyslexic (will be tested next yr), unable to retain information in a regular classroom being more worried about what others are doing trying to compensate his inability to perform at 6 yrs old and the other that is so hypervigilant that the same thing will happen to him that he wets the bed at 13 yrs old every time I am called to the hospital and prefers anger over sadness unwilling to talk to someone cuz then that would mean he may be hospitalized as well after all what happens to one usually happens to the other right?

Now I am kicking myself in the butt for losing it and not easing her into the truth and the facts like usual, of our situation... . she is smart - wise beyond her years and knows intellectually though emotionally she is as fragile as a 3 yr old perhaps more so. At the same time, I am patting myself on the back saying its about time you grew a backbone - it won't be too long before the boys say hey she does this/that so can I to get my way atm ... . after all it seems to work - no one else to call me on the bs having no real united front and those that do... . I don't have to talk with them and/or can portray how horrible everything is to get my way then when I have it - its everyone's fault why it didn't go how its imagined it would... . pawns in a game of chess making up the rules as one goes on so really its an unfair battle from the get go as no one knows let alone understands when the rules have changed.

So why am I posting? Its that damn inner battle of wanting and trying to do the right thing while being told your a saint for doing what you can, when you can - if only more parents were as invested while being told you can do this/not that reduced to nothing but her perceptions trying to give input that is not headed- stressing how important it is for her to stay consistent and earn privileges as thats what has seemed to work instead of the ok its a setback but life goes on lets coddle her attitude then losing it like that when she needed me clear headed and empathetic - the rock the most that I am supposed to be and have maintained as much as I can sacrificing everyone in the process so as not to lose her then again there really is no 'good' time to blow it I suppose. The fact and truth is I am ready to walk away - can I live with myself with that decision? maybe... . anything is better than this well perhaps not anything - it will be my undoing if I have to bury her though I have already lost her just seeing her is prolonging the inevitable. Am I ready to make it final? no - apart of me believes she is trying despite actions proving she isn't... . I want to believe that way the patience will come again - losing her is losing apart of myself... . I see it decaying, wiping away the bugs just not ready to amputate. Then the question becomes if not now? when? How much more do I have to offer before I am fully consumed? How much more life bs am I willing to take on seeing how this much has taken its toll leaving me to further question what use am I to my boys or anyone else for that matter?

Ya, I am at an all time low - depression is an understatement despite my self care regimen of things I enjoy (baths, books, gardening, planning/updating my home, visiting friends and family I like/love etc) - distractions I can fully invest in abounds... . overcoming my rocky unstable childhood keeping 'family secrets while moving every 2-3 months not being in the military, faced my bio dad daring him to put a bullet in my head like he promised, left and buried my alcoholic abusive husband etc. priding myself for overcoming and staying positive as someone somewhere has it worse but nothing has prepared me for this - this type of devastation

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear momontherun

My name has changed but I remember you and your story. It has been a long battle for you and your dd. I am sorry things are not going well for either one of you. My dd recently had a set back and was just released from the P hospital so I feel your disappointment in the system. My dd asked to be taken to the hospital but if it was my choice I would have kept her home. I know our home is not prefect but I feel it is better than the institutions that we sometimes send our kids to. I have also thought about sending my dd to foster care at times. I do feel it is overwhelming at times and I am tired of everyones life revolving around her. I feel I will always be here to support my dd but at 18 I feel she needs to take control. She turns 17 in a few days and this coming year will be the beginning of my stepping back and out of her life.

My dd got another DX you might find interesting since some of your kids seem delayed... . PDD ... . prevasive developmental disorder... . just thought I would mention it... . I am just learning about it now but maybe you could look at it.

I know terrible things can be and when it goes on for so long it does wear us out... . it seems there have been times of success for your dd. I would try and focus on those times when things were going good. Can I ask you which RTC in Utah you picked? Do you think your dd just really wants to come home? I feel sometimes my dd pushes me away at times she needs me the most. i am not sure why but I have noticed this in her. As a mother she focuses all her pain toward us and when we can't relieve that pain she lashes out.

momontherun... . you are a good mama... . you are doing the best you can... . where do you think things are going now? I am sorry things have not been good but I believe they will be one day... . at least better... . just have to get through the storm... . the teen years are tough but I really believe there are better days ahead and the ones right now are the tough ones... . hang in there  

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Momontherun,

I'm fairly new here, but my BPDD17 is a cutter too.  I share your pain, frustration and discouragement.  And I share your disappointment with the mental health resources.  Our DD was just hospitalized for the first time last month after slashing her wrist about 20 times.  She's done that before, but we never knew in time to do anything about it, and never to this extent.

The Pdoc at the hospital took her off all her meds - cold turkey - which we understand to be dangerous.  She was sick from withdrawal while in the hospital.  We were soo frustrated, because we specifically asked that the hospital's Pdoc contact us or her regular Pdoc and T about her history, meds and treatment.  Not ONE phone call from the hospital's Pdoc!  The guy discharged our DD without ever speaking to us once.  When the case manager called to tell me DD was being discharged, I said, "Ok, but I'd like to speak to the Pdoc before she comes home." 

The case manager was surprised by this and told me she'd have the Pdoc call me.  No phone call.  But about 2 hours later, someone else called to say the Pdoc had rescinded the discharge order.  Talk about C.Y.A.!  DH went and got DD because we had completely lost confidence in that particular hospital or Pdoc.  Now, we're in the process of finding a new DBT therapist who has more availability than her current T.  50 minutes every other week just isn't enough support. 

I have only had a taste of how frustrating the "system" is, and I really feel for you and your situation.  I know how exhausted and done you feel.  I wish I had answers!  I know how isolated and useless you feel, but it isn't true.  Those feelings of worthlessness and being no good to anyone is your depression talking.  If you're not already on an antidepressant, can you start?  Or, if you are, perhaps you need a change in dosage?

I'm not a doctor, but I was suicidal 2 years ago because I felt absolutely worthless as a mother.  ANYONE would feel the way you do in your situation!  Your despair isn't YOU, it is the depression talking.  Antidepressants helped pull me out of my funk just enough to see that.  Please get yourself some help to boost yourself up.  I don't blame you for "losing it" with your DD.  I have done that too.  Blowing up doesn't help matters, but it proves we're human and we're doing the best we can to hold on.

I'm glad you found your way back here.  You'll have nothing but support and understanding from me.

Hang in there!

[momontherun]

Thanks Jellibean and Healing Spirit- I have been trying to focus on her accomplishments though apart of me says its all a manipulative game to get what she wants when she wants it... . it would be different if there was some type of warning (increased sleeping, frustration etc) or if she reached out to someone... . anyone but she doesn't and there isn't. I know all the T's, P's and adults in her life are all well intentioned listening to her perspective while trying to prepare her for the real world in a 'safe' atmosphere while I continue to grasp at straws then I get angry knowing all these well intentioned people are going to disappear when she turns of age - where will we be at then? how much more damage will there be?

I am expected to go along with her perspective like everyone else, swallow my common sense seeing her manipulate people, go along with her working/attending public school and latest whims, give answers for her latest 'episode' and god forbid if momma has her own emotions and expresses them. Yes, I am angry with the system, disappointed in myself I can't seem to celebrate with everyone else when things are going good waiting for the shoe to drop or accept dd16's choices as setbacks, confused which of her excuses is the 'real' one during each episode and which are the one's she thinks is most acceptable to everyone, scared she is stuck in this self destructive pattern that no one but her can do anything about etc.

It is difficult to trust whats going to help her and what she thinks she wants in the moment as she seems to run unable to handle any type of accomplishment or contentment. When she self harms, she wants to go back to rtc until she calms down - when the foster parents get her to open up (daily emotion checks) she wants to go to the reach program until they back off - when she gets bored of the acceptable activities at reach she wants to work like some of the other girls in the program, when an employer works around her schedule/hospitalizations/scars she wants a different job, when she thinks we are having fun without her she wants to come home - hell I went down to Tn for 4 days and prepared her for 5 months... . she didn't want anything to do with me (which I accepted) until I left then she ran away from the foster home - they reasoned where were you going to go? she said home... . I listened to her, empathized how tough and confusing it all seemed, stayed firm I was there for the duration and we would do something special together when I got back. I got back and she again didn't want anything to do with me as there was nothing I could give her that she wanted or wasn't already getting. Now she wants to come back home though I think its due to the fact she cannot even spend the night til she has been in the foster home for 90 days and only if her review team thinks its a good idea which isn't likely as I am being punished for lashing out at her unable to see let alone talk to her on the phone though they have made an exception for family therapy which starts sometime this week - they'll let the foster mom know (as they do for everything else) and she'll let me know if she remembers expecting the center to inform me but ya know I am an oversight until they need paperwork signed to bill medicaid or she needs hygiene products/clothes etc.

The first rtc was Provo Canyon... . they had a high turn over rate and was restructuring their program while she was there so it was pretty much a disaster. The second one was Copper Hills - more isolating within groups but their main focus is positive peer culture, sparks program and a modified version of dbt - she seemed to thrive having to earn extra privileges without losing them until after repeated instances and if she didn't want to participate that was ok - she also gained 60 lbs in 3 months which has really affected her self esteem... . she has plans of exercising but thats all it amounts to is just plans I think its because she knows if she does then she can't use that as an excuse anymore.

Perhaps I am wrong and being cynical but it seems that way especially when one encourages her without an immediate reward she deems fit at the time and no one knows what version your going to get like at the bbq I had last weekend... . the kids were playing in the back, the adults in the front all playing catch up not seeing each other since Christmas - she went inside and started moping... . after awhile I checked on her - she said everyone was treating her different and she felt she didn't belong. I told her I know how frustrating that is and the sad fact is its going to be this way until you participate. She said ts too hard and I should just take her back to her foster home and started crying. My sister came in and told her to stop crying, suck it up and get her butt out there that she is being selfish she isn't the only one that feels awkward but the difference is everyone else is trying despite being scared not knowing whats going to set you off not wanting to give you an excuse. These people love and care for you above any stranger otherwise they wouldn't be here unlike your people that were invited but refused to come. I thought it was too harsh and scared she was going to do something stupid but it was like she snapped out of it, started to participate and had fun... . she told her foster mom she felt like an outsider at first and wanted to leave but forced herself past that fear on her own then started having fun when she realized everyone in the family accepts her as is... . she told her RT she wants to come home knowing she can use her coping skills better now she just has to get past her fear of family treating her differently now HUH?

I don't know where things are headed - its so confusing. I am tired of the I know you love me but not if you like me, I refuse to use my coping skills but I am trying, my T thinks this is a good idea though I know it won't work, I gave my word i'd try but didn't promise, its not my fault I cut myself again, If people knew what I really thought they'd hate me, I am not good enough or you'd believe me, I knew you didn't love me or I would be home, I have friends but I know they just tolerate me so why bother etc. Apart of me wants to walk away for safety... . for preservation as nothing is good enough but the same part see's how fragile she is and gives in to anything that could keep her from self harming only to be disappointed when she deliberately sabotages all attempt's at anything remotely positive. Another part wants to give her a taste of her own medicine to show her how much it hurts then I remind myself how it wouldn't do any good as she does this because she is already hurting so much until the frustration sets in ... . when I catch it and distance myself refusing to talk about anything except light conversation or don't pick up the phone when she calls (whether accidental or deliberate) then I am rejecting her - if I give her a different perspective then I don't trust her - if I just go along with her perspective then I am lying to her, if I don't let her get a hairstyle or certain clothes ot the piercing she wants then I am holding her back from expressing herself, if I forget what brand of hygiene product she likes then I don't pay enough attention to her, if I get what brand she likes before she runs out then I am smothering, if I request a couple hours from her schedule for family time then I am selfish, if she requests family time and doesn't get it for whatever reason then I don't love her, if she wants me to attend something she wants me to and I am unable then I am not there for her, if I do attend something she wants me to then I am being over protective, if I get her something I know she'd like then I am jealous, if I don't include her in or inform her of adult conversations (like her aunts miscarriage) then I am babying her, if I do include her in adult conversations or inform her then I am trying to hurt her, if I don't give her a time frame for whatever then I am not informing her enough, if I do give her a time frame for whatever she already knows or its not fast or long enough, if I let someone sleep in her room she hasn't been in for 2 yrs and she finds out then I don't respect her, if her brothers are busy or don't want to talk to her then I am manipulating them, if I admit my feelings then I am being passive aggressive, if I am not happy go lucky positive all the time then I am not giving her what she needs, if I get upset then I don't accept her, if I voice my concerns then I don't think she is good enough, if I don't voice my concerns then I don't care ... . either way I am screwed so why bother? then the guilt sets in and round n round we go.

Yes, I am seeing a T myself and taking paxil... . it helps until I get overly tired and emotionally burnt out which is whats happening now. I just need clarity, some type of understanding - a new strategy, more hope and patience to make it all ok again

PDD is an interesting category: autism, aspergers, disintegrative disorder, Retts syndrome, NOS - i'll have to read up more about them

[mama72]

I feel like I could have wrote, how you are feeling, verbatim. Especially this:

I don't know where things are headed - its so confusing. I am tired of the I know you love me but not if you like me, I refuse to use my coping skills but I am trying, my T thinks this is a good idea though I know it won't work, I gave my word i'd try but didn't promise, its not my fault I cut myself again, If people knew what I really thought they'd hate me, I am not good enough or you'd believe me, I knew you didn't love me or I would be home, I have friends but I know they just tolerate me so why bother etc. Apart of me wants to walk away for safety... . for preservation as nothing is good enough but the same part see's how fragile she is and gives in to anything that could keep her from self harming only to be disappointed when she deliberately sabotages all attempt's at anything remotely positive. Another part wants to give her a taste of her own medicine to show her how much it hurts then I remind myself how it wouldn't do any good as she does this because she is already hurting so much until the frustration sets in ... . when I catch it and distance myself refusing to talk about anything except light conversation or don't pick up the phone when she calls (whether accidental or deliberate) then I am rejecting her - if I give her a different perspective then I don't trust her - if I just go along with her perspective then I am lying to her, if I don't let her get a hairstyle or certain clothes ot the piercing she wants then I am holding her back from expressing herself, if I forget what brand of hygiene product she likes then I don't pay enough attention to her, if I get what brand she likes before she runs out then I am smothering, if I request a couple hours from her schedule for family time then I am selfish, if she requests family time and doesn't get it for whatever reason then I don't love her, if she wants me to attend something she wants me to and I am unable then I am not there for her, if I do attend something she wants me to then I am being over protective, if I get her something I know she'd like then I am jealous, if I don't include her in or inform her of adult conversations (like her aunts miscarriage) then I am babying her, if I do include her in adult conversations or inform her then I am trying to hurt her, if I don't give her a time frame for whatever then I am not informing her enough, if I do give her a time frame for whatever she already knows or its not fast or long enough, if I let someone sleep in her room she hasn't been in for 2 yrs and she finds out then I don't respect her, if her brothers are busy or don't want to talk to her then I am manipulating them, if I admit my feelings then I am being passive aggressive, if I am not happy go lucky positive all the time then I am not giving her what she needs, if I get upset then I don't accept her, if I voice my concerns then I don't think she is good enough, if I don't voice my concerns then I don't care ... . either way I am screwed so why bother? then the guilt sets in and round n round we go.

I feel the same confusion. I am slowly detaching from my DD17, but some days I question whether it is "detaching with love"?

Every move I make, is critiqued, read into, misconstrued, and reacted upon. It is an effort to be loving, to discipline, to praise, to guide and to support, because I know that I will pay for those efforts in some way.

I wish I had some great advice for you, friend, but I just don't. I see my own T, and it has been helpful. T has worked with many BPD teens in her career, so she does provide some valuable insight as to how my DD behaves and how I can better react (or NOT react to the constant drama). And like you, my Lexapro made me too sleepy, so I had to discontinue. What helps me most is getting out for some exercise, and just enjoying nature.

Hang in there, momontherun. You are not alone.

[jellibeans]

momontherun

your dd is 16 and you have been waging this battle for two years now... . you should be tired... . we all get tired but I do think it is possible to see improvements and I do think she can get better and have a life that is worth living. I say that even after I picked up my dd from the P hospital yesterday. I say that even though she has made great improvements in the last year we are still having set backs. I worry less about what my dd thinks of me... . it is really that simple. I am confident that I am trying the best I can. I try to learn something everyday that might help her or myself deal better with this disorder but I amnot here to be her friend or her best buddy. I am her mother and sometimes that means doing things that are not easy. I have faith in myself and just because she says something negative about or to me doesn't make it the truth. I know the truth... . I lived many years and I have life experiences that she doesn't... . if she wants to take my advise than life might be easier but if she wants to ignore my advice and the advice of doctor etc... . than life will be hard. Sometimes you just have to let them learn things the hard way and not feel guilty about that. I am not helping my dd if I allow myself to constantly question what I am doing and second guess myself.

My dd is home now and we will go on and build on each day and hopefully we see improvements going forward. Your dd sound very critical and that can be hard to be around. I feel like you are questioning yourself too much and you have lost faith in yourself to do the right thing. What is your new plan?

[momontherun]

Just knowing many are in the same boat and getting all this off my chest helps immensely. I wish my T had experience with BPD and could provide more insight instead of the ok whats happened this week? what do you think you should do? would you be ok with... . ? I love her frankness and its hard to find one that is easy to talk to let alone have experience outside of alcohol/drug addictions... . she specializes in depression. She has been helping me gain back a sense of myself that was lost when my husband died, my parental role I let my mom mostly take over while grieving and pregnant and give support with my daughter since everyone important in my life had jumped ship going through their own grieving process, trying to understand and well basically has given up.

My main obstacles are: I made my kids my world, my beliefs an values (family closeness, fairness, truth, safety, respect etc) are being manipulated, shredded and trampled on every time I turn around by dd16 and its all supposed to be ok for her ... . if it were anyone but my child they'd be history - that is an internal war all in itself and being surrounded by almost constant negativity.

I don't know what my plan is or should be while I am fighting the strong desire to abandon everyone. I have made it a point to do something just for myself everyday (gardening, reading, baths, once a week workshop etc), singing along with love songs to myself, daily affirmations, contact a friend or family member that can discuss everything but kids once a week especially when I want to be left alone, have individual 'dates' with me kids (ds6 bouncing bears gym, ds13 target practice with a bow, dd16 T appts and window shopping) as well as, once a week family time with just the boys (video/board/card games) and altogether swimming and seeking additional support just for myself by those 'in the know'

I do know I need to breathe, reinforce boundaries with everyone - not just the boys, let go of what I feel is right for dd16, treat myself more as a person instead of what role I am in atm, trust myself more and emotionally detach - wish I knew how without all the anger, sadness and semi desperation. Perhaps seeing it for what it is... . a shield of protection and try to harness the energy into resolve?

I did let dd16's case manager know I will no longer go to the hospital every time dd16 self harms - its not fair to the boys or me to drop everything every time and the foster parents have to start meeting my 1/2 way for all of dd16's appointments as I can no longer afford to drive almost 2 hrs a day/3 days a week. I also plan on either giving ds13 the bedroom or turning it into a playroom for ds6 as I really don't think dd16 will be coming back home or if I even want her to as just visits are taking their toll having to constantly emotionally hand hold all the kids (for all very different reasons), writing out boundaries in place and a couple boundaries (with a short example and repercussions) to build upon again for dd16 as well as, a copy to her T, my T, family T, rt's, foster parents and case manager ... . its a direction at least

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Momontherun,

Your DD does the same thing mine does.  She sets you up to fail, no matter what you do.  Our T calls this the "double bind."  He says it is NOT my fault.  So, I hope you realize it is NOT YOUR FAULT you cannot win with your DD.  Being validated and absolved of guilt is sort of the "boobie prize" though, isn't it?  What I want even more than release from guilt is a way to stop the "double bind" from happening.  It's exhausting!

Perhaps this is where we need radical acceptance of the situation?  I wish I had answers for you!  I wish I had answers for myself too.  I have felt how angry, hurt, frustrated, and exhausted you feel more times than I can count.

Thank God we all have each other here on this site to vent to whenever we need to.

[Elbry]

I'm trying to see the light too. I was talking to my mother-in-law on Sunday and she asked me if I could see it yet and I lied and said yes. It's been 2 years since all this started.  My dd was 13 in the summer of 2012 when she started cutting.  I never could have imagined what the next 2 years would be like.  The ups and downs, the constant worry and paralyzing fear.  The hope and the setbacks.  Momontherun, your screen name describes what all us moms feel like at times I think.  Thank-you for sharing.  I am so glad to have found this community.

[vivekananda]

Hi momotr,

So sad to hear your desperation and hurt and confusion. Please tell yourself this too will pass. Be mindful, take care of yourself I see this as a sign that you need to give yourself some tender loving care. You hit out, yes. You cannot change what you did, so don't waste any time more time on it but move on.

I have recently met a 40 yr old woman who has recovered from BPD. Her life was terrible: drugs, homeless, a child removed from her and more. She is wonderful now.

So, this too will pass. Anything is possible. Look to how you can improve yourself and what you can do to improve your relationship with your dd.