Daughter with BPD and drug use

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello. My grown daughter has BPD and also has used meth for about 8 years. Her meth use has gotten worse over the past year, which has made her BPD symptoms worse, as well. She has a 13-year-old daughter, who is the light of our life and who we have helped raise, and have had to give up to her father over the past year because of our daughter's worsening BPD symptoms. Her treatment of our granddaughter frightened our granddaughter so much that she pleaded to go live with her father, and as much as we hated to let her go we knew that we had to. Life with our daughter this past year has been the worst time of our lives. No one we know can even imagine what our lives are like - not even her siblings, our other children, although they do have some idea because they grew up with her and saw her rage and attitudes toward us, her parents, as they were all growing up together.

Last month she went away for a few days. It is always so peaceful for us when she is gone for a while. But when she came home she had a terrible infection on her leg. I took her immediately to the ER. She had a life-threatening MRSA infection in the area of her upper leg and groin and had to have immediate surgery. She was in ICU, unconscious, for a week. Several of her organs had shut down. She almost died. The doctors said the infection was caused by her drug use. She was positive for meth when she checked into the hospital.

We are praying that this near-death experience will change her. There seem to be some signs that she might. However, we've been through times before when she seems to change, but she doesn't. Maybe this time she really will. We are about done in. The stress of living with her is about to kill us. I spent about 10 days in the hospital last fall. Stress put me there. I almost died myself. We can't take much more. We are not young anymore. We need peace in our home.

We love our daughter very much. We love her more than we probably even know or we wouldn't have put up with the treatment from her, the disrespect, the occasional physical abuse and nearly continual emotional abuse. She has stolen from us - jewelry, cash, credit cards, forged checks... . all to get money for drugs. We finally, finally told her she either had to go into a treatment facility or leave the house. She chose to leave the house. It was the worst day of my life when I put my daughter out.

So this is part of my story. It's only the last few months, really. I couldn't possibly write all of it. It began when she was about 14. I used to blame myself. I used to believe her rants when she blamed me. It's the most horrible thing I know to try to raise and continue to love a BPD child. But we do. We both do. God gives us the grace every day to do it.

[Birdi]

Hello. My grown daughter has BPD and also has used meth for about 8 years. Her meth use has gotten worse over the past year, which has made her BPD symptoms worse, as well. She has a 13-year-old daughter, who is the light of our life and who we have helped raise, and have had to give up to her father over the past year because of our daughter's worsening BPD symptoms. Her treatment of our granddaughter frightened our granddaughter so much that she pleaded to go live with her father, and as much as we hated to let her go we knew that we had to. Life with our daughter this past year has been the worst time of our lives. No one we know can even imagine what our lives are like - not even her siblings, our other children, although they do have some idea because they grew up with her and saw her rage and attitudes toward us, her parents, as they were all growing up together.

Last month she went away for a few days. It is always so peaceful for us when she is gone for a while. But when she came home she had a terrible infection on her leg. I took her immediately to the ER. She had a life-threatening MRSA infection in the area of her upper leg and groin and had to have immediate surgery. She was in ICU, unconscious, for a week. Several of her organs had shut down. She almost died. The doctors said the infection was caused by her drug use. She was positive for meth when she checked into the hospital.

We are praying that this near-death experience will change her. There seem to be some signs that she might. However, we've been through times before when she seems to change, but she doesn't. Maybe this time she really will. We are about done in. The stress of living with her is about to kill us. I spent about 10 days in the hospital last fall. Stress put me there. I almost died myself. We can't take much more. We are not young anymore. We need peace in our home.

We love our daughter very much. We love her more than we probably even know or we wouldn't have put up with the treatment from her, the disrespect, the occasional physical abuse and nearly continual emotional abuse. She has stolen from us - jewelry, cash, credit cards, forged checks... . all to get money for drugs. We finally, finally told her she either had to go into a treatment facility or leave the house. She chose to leave the house. It was the worst day of my life when I put my daughter out.

So this is part of my story. It's only the last few months, really. I couldn't possibly write all of it. It began when she was about 14. I used to blame myself. I used to believe her rants when she blamed me. It's the most horrible thing I know to try to raise and continue to love a BPD child. But we do. We both do. God gives us the grace every day to do it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello Birdie

you have certainly been on a long and difficult journey with your daughter and it is clear how much you love her to have hung in there.

On the board for those parenting a child with BPD there are some posters with adult children with very similar stories to your own .

I am sure you would be able to offer each other a lot of mutual support.

There are also links to useful tools for dealing with a person with BPD.

My adult daughter has BPD and even without the additional addiction problems life can be very difficult at times.

I have had a lot of help and support on the parent's board and I hope you will join us there.





       

[Birdi]

I guess I'm replying to my own post. I don't know how else to add to what I've written previously. My original post seemed to fall into oblivion. I actually started to look at other websites because I am desperate for some support. I read somewhere on another support website how important it is to receive support from someone other than your spouse, but sadly we are each other's only support. And we have worn very, very thin over the years and years of our daughter's sickness. I have been hospitalized myself three times because of her, twice in a mental hospital and the last time for 10 days in a regular hospital. I almost died that time. I don't know how my poor husband keeps going on. I used to think I was very strong, but I'm actually not. He is the strong one! Not me. Last January our 38-year-old BPDD, who hasn't worked for 6 or 7 years because of her meth addiction, left the house and got into prostitution. We thought that was the lowest she would go before she would come to her senses. But it wasn't. She just kept using. Exactly one month ago she had emergency surgery and nearly died. We thought that would get her attention. But now she says she wishes she had died. We've about had it. We have nothing left. No strength. No emotions. Except sadness. And anger. The good feelings, the sweet feelings are gone. Maybe I wish she had died, too. Does that make me a terrible mother?

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Birdi   

I am really sorry for how terrible things have been going with your daughter; there's nothing too much worse than watching our children self-destruct before our very eyes, and feeling like we can't do anything about it. I've been there, too, with my own adult (37) BPD son, and I also saw him plummet to the depths of Suicidal Ideations and Substance Addiction (he was addicted to Heroin for a multi-year period). I didn't know if he would ever stop his drug use, or if he would live through it or end it all, himself.

What has saved my son's life, and the well-being of our family, was his being admitted to a 21-day Intensive In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program last year, right after a Suicidal Ideation that was serious enough to put him into the Psych Ward of our local hospital. That, and the legal system that dropped all charges (an arrest that actually precipitated his desire for the Suicidal thoughts that landed him in the hospital), if he would attend and successfully complete the Dual Diagnosis Program.

Today? He is 16 months clean and sober (of anything) as of right now exactly today, and is the happiest and healthiest he has ever been. The Dual Diagnosis Program gave him his BPD diagnosis, and taught him Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and set the stage for me to find this site, and for the ongoing Therapies my son is still involved in. Is there any chance that you would have such a program in your area that she can be admitted to? Would she be willing to do that? Is she in any Therapy at all?

You are not a terrible mother; I've been where you are now--thinking in my son's darkest days that he would be better off "out of his misery" and I truly felt it as a feeling of empathy and love for him. I understand your exhaustion and pain, and desire for a life of peace... .Does your daughter live with you now? Is she under medical care? Psychological or Psychiatric care? Would she be willing to get help? I so recommend a Dual Diagnosis Program for her if she would be willing to check into one, and you had one available... .

You are with friends, Birdi, who understand you and won't judge you for your feelings... .We all feel the same way, or have felt the same way in the past, and might again in the future. Tell us more of your situation, OK 

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Birdi,

So many of us feel the same way you do!  Used up, exhausted, and out of love for our BPD offspring.  There is a post on the Parenting Board here about that very subject.  Perhaps reading how many other parents feel the same way will help you release your guilt about that.  It's normal to feel this way when we've been emotionally beat up for so long.  I'm sure you're a wonderful mom.  I know you've done the very best you could to help your DD. 

I'm so sad your DD got into meth, as if having BPD wasn't bad enough.  That is one of the worst drugs and one of the hardest to quit.  My sister unknowingly married a meth user and she's been through the wringer with him.  Very sad!

I'm still fairly new to this site, but it has given me hope because others like Rapt Reader, with situations as terrible as yours, have overcome them and they're here to tell about it and cheer you on.  Welcome and I'm glad you're here too.

Big HUG!

[ElaineC]

Our stories are almost the same. My BPDS is 33. He has been addicted to meth for about 8 years now. Is not able to work. He had prostituted himself as well. Has suicidal ideations and has attempted suicide about 6 times. Every time he does this he does more and more damage to his body. His last attempt was not quite 2 months ago. He was admitted to the hospital on life support for 8 days. He is in jail now for a aggravated assault charge,will be getting out in a few weeks. He will be moving back in with us. Of course, he is now sober since he has been in jail and his mind is getting clear. He is on a regiment of medications now and almost seems "normal" when we speak. Honestly, being in jail has brought me a small amount of peace. I know he has a roof over his head. I know he has 3 meals a day. I know he is sober. I know he has his medical needs taken care of. 

Right now for him, coming home when he is released is a dream come true. For us, a nightmare. Every time he comes into our home some catastrophe happens. I love him, but wish he can get a place of his own very soon after he gets here. I know that as a condition of his release he has to be on probation. Hopefully that will keep him on his medications and even out his temper and anger issues, depression and other emotional problems.  You are not alone. It just sucks when you are living through the day to day crap! Hang in there and I will too!

[Birdi]

Dear ElaineC,

I certainly understand the concerns you have about your son moving back in with you. Although we have had some degree of problems with our DD all of her life, the real problems really began when she and her daughter moved in with us for just three months, but that three months stretched into about 8 years. The longer the time became, the more intolerable my daughter's behavior became. We didn't know drugs were involved. We didn't even know, in the beginning, BPD was the cause. She had always been diagnosed as bipolar. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: watch out for your son manipulating you into letting him stay longer and longer and longer when he comes back. From what I know of BPD (and it's not a whole lot) they don't want to put a lot of effort into the list of things they need to do. They do the easiest things first, and the hardest things get moved down on the list. Finding a place to live is hard. It involves saving money for deposits, looking around for apartments, actually moving (furniture, etc). It's much easier to stay with mom and dad. And cheaper. That's my experience. Yours may be different. Just be aware. I get what you're saying about the peace you're having while he's gone. It's nice. You get to live - for a while - like other people. Without all that stress. Am I right? Wishing the best for you.

[tristesse]

Hello Birdi

I just wanted to say that I am so glad you found this site.  I am so sorry you have such a hard time with your dd right now, and I know your heart is breaking over your grand daughters move to her dads. I have a BPD daughter, she is 30 with a 5 year old son, and they currently live in my home. My BPD does not have an addiction problem, so I am unable to offer anything on that subject, but she has ADD, and PTSD along with clinical depression anxiety and her BPD, so there is always a lot happening in my home. I was recently in crisis with my dd, her rages get quite extreme, and it left me in emotional turmoil. There have been times where I wanted to physically hurt her, and times where she actually has physically assaulted me, she has attempted suicide 3 times, and been in a treatment facility twice. We have recently started her in DBT program, and are hoping that this time she improves. I admire your strength and courage, and hope I can continue to endure as you have.

Please do take care of yourself. I am super glad your here. Hugs to you my friend.

[Birdi]

Hello, Rapt Reader.

Thank you so much for your very supportive and encouraging post. I read it to my husband, as well. It was particularly encouraging because of what you said about the 21-day dual-diagnosis program your son was in. I'm glad it was so effective for him, although I'm sorry he had to sink so low before he got into the program. To answer your questions: yes, we do have that type of program in the city where I live, and actually, it is considered to be one of the best in the state. She was able to get funding for a 30-day residential dual-diagnosis program, and my husband and I were thrilled about that. We wanted her to get into the 90-day program, but we don't have money to pay for that. However, we are very excited about the 30-day program. It isn't her idea to go, but she is willing. Part of her motivation is knowing that her 13-year-old daughter wants her to go. She was seeing an excellent therapist, but she quit seeing her when the T began seeing through her. That is typical of her. She has seen the same P for close to 10 years, but that is mostly for drugs. She began seeing a drug counselor about a month ago, but that is a condition of her continuing to live with us. So is her being in rehab. She literally has no where else to go. She has lost all of her "good" friends by her BPD behaviors. She was ordered to enroll in a DBT course because of a CPS investigation started because of things her daughter told her T almost 2 years ago. She's had a rough ride for the last couple of years, but not rough enough to straighten her up; just rough enough to make her use more, which has made our lives more stressful. I know it is only the grace of God that has gotten us through. Again, thank you for your encouragement.

[Birdi]

Hello Tristesse,

By the description of your home life, I've certainly been where you are. It has gotten somewhat better since my granddaughter went to live with her dad, sad as it was to let her go. We have found, with her out of the house, we don't have to walk on eggshells nearly as much. We can put our collective foot down regarding our daughter's rages, slamming doors, putting holes in walls, screaming, stomping through the house, etc. We just don't have to put up with it like we used to. We told her, after her daughter left, that if it didn't stop, she would have to leave. And I guess she knew we meant it because she stopped. Which goes to show she had/has more self-control than she would like to admit. Hmmm... .And as for knock-down, drag-out fights... .we've had those, too. They consist of her hitting and either me (or my husband - depends on who she is beating up on) trying to protect whatever part of our bodies she is beating. But I've learned my lesson on that one, too. Don't mess around. Call 911. Right away. Don't tell her you're going to do it. Just do it. My granddaughter's T taught me that one. After a couple of cop visits to the house because your daughter is beating up on you, it will probably stop. Just make sure you aren't hitting back. You want to be able to say that you did not lay a hand on her. It's very hard living with someone so volatile. It doesn't come naturally. It has to be learned. And it isn't natural to have to call the police on your own child. But it becomes necessary to your own protection. And think of it this way... .for the protection of your little grandchild. It's not good for him to live in that kind of turmoil. My granddaughter began showing signs of inner stress when she was as young as your little grandson. I wish you all the best. Thanks for writing me.

[Rapt Reader]

Birdi, I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that your daughter will be attending a 30-day Dual Diagnosis Program. I can understand how you feel, wanting her to stay for the 90-day program; my own son practically begged me to try to make it work for him to stay longer than the 21 days his Program allowed, he loved it there so much and was learning so much about himself!

I tried to finagle it, but they had too many people on a waiting list trying to get into the Program, and his Insurance wouldn't cover more time anyway... .the Center had an Intensive Program that completed in the 3 weeks, so that was the way it was. In the end, he got what he needed there and was ready to come home on the 21st day since he knew he had to leave. If you are interested in his story to learn more about how the Program worked, here's his/my story: My Son's Recovery-In-Progress.

I truly wish her the best, and your family peace and well-being. I hope she receives the insights and will to change that my son found. You all deserve it after so much stress and trauma, Birdi... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[manicmuse]

I'm here with you also. My Daughter is the same as yours only 3children I got custody of last week. They are 10 8 and 5 and she is blaming me still not seeing her drug use as a problem even though CPS told her and the judge they were going to foster care that day if not for me.

Because if the children I gave to distance myself now. She has to do the work all the wat and show it before I can let her near them and in effect me. It's haunting me.

[Birdi]

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Rapt Reader and manicmuse and everyone who has written to me! You have been so encouraging to me. I have been so down and have felt that I just have nothing left because life with my daughter has taken so much out of me, but reading all of your stories has really lifted me and I know I am not alone. If all of you can do it, so can I! This is my 4th attempt to write a thank-you post because of computer problems, so I will keep it short this time. Rapt Reader, I will definitely read your and your sons story. I'm sure I will find it even more encouraging. Again, thanks to all of you.