Need advice on whether to leave or work thru it with BPD Girlfriend

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

She said she was diagnozed BPD after we met. All was fine then 12 hour slater. BOOM!

Been with new love for 4 months and hit it off great. She received an anonymous text from some dude saying she was messing with married man. I am not. I am divorced and have the records and showed the filing etc... This freaked her out and she suddenly got cold. I proved that I was single and free to date and she agreed, but hasn't been the same ever since. She has not even kissed me since, nor invited me to dinner like she did twice a week.

Now she is coming back around, but nowhere near where she was and she had confessed her love for me that very morning. I had the IP address traced back to a Centurylink CO and the Ip address came from business where another guy who has been chasing her for 2 years works. He is obviously a coward and was trying to ruin things between us by hiding behind this text message. Since she says he is 100% a friend and not attracted to him which I believe, I have not told her that I discovered it was him. The reason is that she now has me thinking of going NC on her and partly to help get her interest back. But I am also leaning on using NC to dump her because after her telling me she loved me and then freaking out and going cold and stepping back 20 steps, I am thinking she is a damaged person. She had a had a bad marriage and told me she often gets jealous and suspect, but this is ridiculous. She went for 100% into me to 50% in 12 hours because she freaked out about this stalker text message and I didn't do anything wrong. Am I foolish in thinking she really was in love with me? Seems that is she rally was, she would have discarded me or abandoned me so quickly during the first scare in the relationship. BTW: She knew I was divorced and she pursued me at first. I got hooked and fell for her too, but I think my feelings were real, and hers was infatuation apparently, but she would literally cry telling me how much she loved me and I was her dream catch. I can understand backing off, but it feels like she is heading towards friend zone and although there isn't anybody new, if there was, then she used me pretty badly an dumped me. If she is BPD, then I can understand why and she discards easily. I don't want to be in friend zone, and I need advice as I am leaning towards going NC and see what happens. Thank you friends. It is so sweet that you are here to help others, and I will try to reciprocate myself to help others too on this site. Have a great weekend! BTW: we are both 52 years old, so not new to relationships.

[cheaptrick]

She said she was diagnozed BPD after we met. All was fine then 12 hour slater. BOOM!

Been with new love for 4 months and hit it off great. She received an anonymous text from some dude saying she was messing with married man. I am not. I am divorced and have the records and showed the filing etc... This freaked her out and she suddenly got cold. I proved that I was single and free to date and she agreed, but hasn't been the same ever since. She has not even kissed me since, nor invited me to dinner like she did twice a week.

Now she is coming back around, but nowhere near where she was and she had confessed her love for me that very morning. I had the IP address traced back to a Centurylink CO and the Ip address came from business where another guy who has been chasing her for 2 years works. He is obviously a coward and was trying to ruin things between us by hiding behind this text message. Since she says he is 100% a friend and not attracted to him which I believe, I have not told her that I discovered it was him. The reason is that she now has me thinking of going NC on her and partly to help get her interest back. But I am also leaning on using NC to dump her because after her telling me she loved me and then freaking out and going cold and stepping back 20 steps, I am thinking she is a damaged person. She had a had a bad marriage and told me she often gets jealous and suspect, but this is ridiculous. She went for 100% into me to 50% in 12 hours because she freaked out about this stalker text message and I didn't do anything wrong. Am I foolish in thinking she really was in love with me? Seems that is she rally was, she would have discarded me or abandoned me so quickly during the first scare in the relationship. BTW: She knew I was divorced and she pursued me at first. I got hooked and fell for her too, but I think my feelings were real, and hers was infatuation apparently, but she would literally cry telling me how much she loved me and I was her dream catch. I can understand backing off, but it feels like she is heading towards friend zone and although there isn't anybody new, if there was, then she used me pretty badly an dumped me. If she is BPD, then I can understand why and she discards easily. I don't want to be in friend zone, and I need advice as I am leaning towards going NC and see what happens. Thank you friends. It is so sweet that you are here to help others, and I will try to reciprocate myself to help others too on this site. Have a great weekend! BTW: we are both 52 years old, so not new to relationships.

[Surnia]

Hi harvey

I think its really a question about what kind of relationship you want have. And if she is the person who can give you this kind of relationship. Her feelings are real like yours, if she is suffering from BPD, there will be probably a lack of object constancy.

So perhaps you can find some time to focus on your needs in a relationship?

[WalrusGumboot]

My advice?

The relationship is still young and is already way too complicated, and this is about as easy as it will be. Take it from the many on this board who are in, or have left long term relationships with a pwBPD.

The ultimate decision is up to you, but my advice to you and to anyone else in a similar situation is to let it go. You will save yourself a whole bunch of heartache.

[OutOfEgypt]

Here's my advice based on my own personal experience and with how shockingly that experience matches with so many people I have never met who post on this board:

You don't have kids with her, correct?  Then run.  Run like the wind.  That guy who is hanging onto her and trying to sabotage things... . he's probably not the only one out there, and certainly he won't be the only one if you continue a relationship with her.  No matter what she says with her mouth, her m/o is to lure people who will be obsessed with her.  She will say they are "just friends", but you need to listen to your GUT and to the TRUTH and not what is coming out of her mouth, because what comes out of her mouth will almost never line up with the other two.  And the longer the listen to her, the more the voice of truth and the voice from your gut will become quieter and quieter as you become number and number.

I mean seriously.  She's been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  That's like handing you a "Get Out of Jail Free" card.  Take it and and go.  Many of us on this board were not handed such an advantage.  We found out the hard way after long, extremely painful, abusive, traumatic relationships with these people that they have a serious mental and emotional disturbance in the core of their personality and manner of relating to others.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, as the saying goes.  Endure a little pain now, in cutting her completely out of your life, in order to save yourself MOUNTAINS of pain for you and your future children later on.  I could tell you stories that would make your skin crawl.

[Forestaken]

Can I add more to what these guys are telling you? No - Run Forest Run!

[cheaptrick]

  Thank you for your advice everybody. Well it happened, she broke up with me. I am a musician and recorded a song for her birthday which if you recall, uninvited me the day of. She then admitted that she over reacted and I should have been there. Well today, she called and said that she didn't want a relationship with me and that she took a chance at dating me which wasn't her typical man she likes to date. What I found out, is that she only likes men who do distance bicycling and hiking, which she does, but always stated that she does it too much and that she is addicted to it, and does it to run away from her stresses. She does this every Sat/Sun and Wednesday and does hiking and jogging every day she is not doing 100 mile bike rides. I could join her, but I have responsibilities and apparently some of these types are adrenaline junkies and that's all they do. She liked me because she said they were all broke and boring and self absorbed and I was not. In fact I am doing quite well financially and had just treated her to some shopping that she said she never had experienced before, including dining.I own a business that prevents me from taking that much time off for recreation, but was willing to join when I could. She literally has 10 men around her in every FB picture, ALL single, some married that she surrounds herself with. Far more men than women. I found out that one of these weekly biking buddies was her ex that she dumped after 4 months,  who was the culprit behind the mystery text. She is still friends with him I guess. Two others pine for her,  but she said she has never been sexual with them, BUT, now I remember her stating that she never wanted to ever bring up her sex history. Why?  Well back to the breakup. She told me she loved me and also said that she was upset because I acted skeptical about how much she said she loved me. (I guess I was correct) She said I was the most generous, funny sexy man she has ever been with, and loved my intellect musicianship and business mind. I was lulled into thinking I was good and I started to fall for her, then BAM! The week I buried my friend who committed suicide, she cold heartedly uninvited me to her birthday party and had gone cold ever since. I had written a song for her and recorded it as a B day gift, and she said it was the most heartfelt gift she ever received. Just yesterday she text me crying saying her mother and her listened to it two times on their drive to the mall and was crying. What I cannot understand is if I was that great, why would she suddenly dump me, and go cold and simply walk away like its routine and nothing hurts her?. Can BPD's actually love somebody? and if so, how can they do this and not feel any remorse and show total self absorption? I am going NC, but should I expect a recycle soon if I do? I fell for her, but now think she is quite damaged in the brain and perhaps was more slutty than she led me to believe given all her bike buddies. I say this next thing that concerned me will sound too bad or petty, but I really feel I need to ask this question and get a legit feedback on what I might have been involved with. She was incredible in bed and didn't act like the waif she pretended to be. HERE IS WHERE IT GETS WEIRD: She owned at least 6 vibrators and small items that stimulate herself, and once pulled out a device and said it was never used, but had a vibrator that stimulated both partners. When I looked at it there was a mans P hair on it and it about made me throw up. She shaves because of her extreme bicycling sport,so there was no getting out of that lie. GROSS!. I don't want to make her out to be a villain or crazed sex person because she swore on her fathers grave that she only had two previous boyfriends since her marriage failed. Her husband was a minister and after 25 years of confessing to hiring hookers and cheating, she divorced him. She said she found sexual liberation after her divorce. Now I am wondering if it is true and does the amount of sexual toys in any way indicate her being a promiscuous person? I give her a pass as just having devices, but heard BPD's have lots of sexual partners. At any rate, she dumped me and I have not heard from her, but she said she wants to be friends, which I think they all say that. What should I expect in the near future from her and should I stay NC even if she calls or text? One last thing I also found odd... . She is like that guy in that movie with Julia Roberts that was a clean freak and was way over the top about tidiness. Is that a trait of BPD's?  In closing, she didn't act like she was losing a loved one or anybody near as important as much as how she said I was to her,and I felt nowhere near how she said I made her feel and how much she loved me just two weeks ago. Simply odd and alarming! BTW, we are both 53 years old, so not kids. Thanks, its been a difficult 2 weeks with my friends suicide and now this, but I am thinking that I may have dodged bullet, but think of her all day.

[Blimblam]

I agree,

Run.  The fact you have the diagnosis is like a blessing from heaven.  I am convinced mine was a diamond in the rough even amoungst BPDs and she drove me insane literally. I had a nervous break down and wanted to kill myself.  I feel like I had my soul sucked out of me and am still in disbelief that I even survived. 

I feel like the rest of my life will be in many ways defined by this experience and I am not happy about it.

[cheaptrick]

Blimblam, I am sorry you had to endure so much, but happy you survived. We should form a marathon for BPD Survivors across the nation. The ribbons should be bland and white!

[Forestaken]

I agree,

Run.  The fact you have the diagnosis is like a blessing from heaven.  I am convinced mine was a diamond in the rough even amoungst BPDs and she drove me insane literally. I had a nervous break down and wanted to kill myself.  I feel like I had my soul sucked out of me and am still in disbelief that I even survived. 

I feel like the rest of my life will be in many ways defined by this experience and I am not happy about it.

I almost did myself in too.

Glad I didn't - and so are others around me. 

My turning point when I learned that she beat up her sister over a fight about a house key. (in their 40s)

[woodsposse]

Allow me to take a different approach. It is not a great approach to tell you to "run".

This is almost the same black and white thinking which goes hand in hand with a pwPD. And it doesnt really help you determine where your own feelings and head isat in tgthis whole process.

You must ask yourself what type of behavior you are willing to be part of... .and why.

Just because a person is diagnosed with a PD doesnt make them less of a person. They may have an illness and you may want to are if there are tools you can uae to enhance your relationship with them as well as understand yourself and your role in the relationship.

The knee jerk reply go tell you to run comes from a lot of hurt and pain and is understandable. But only you know what you really want.

My advice would be check out member postson the Staying board .  A balanced approach to your situation mat give you the clarity you seek.

[WisdomSeeker]

I agree wholeheartedly with what Woodsposse has written. When people tell you to run, they are projecting the hurt and pain that they have endured. Whereas, it is important that one realize the level of difficulty in dealing with someone with BPD, black and white advice to run doesn't help.

Woodsposse's statement: "You must ask yourself what type of behavior you are willing to be part of... .and why." is beautiful and essential for you to understand your next steps. Good luck.

[pallavirajsinghani]

First, I want to congratulate you for being proactive and being on this board to get answers.

I think that a two part approach would be the best.  First is to understand the nature of this disorder and the second is to understand the typical effects this disorder has on the people who love them/live with them.

Most of us have suffered because we did not listen to our intuition.  We rationalized our intuition away.  Our instincts gave us a totally accurate version of "reality" as we saw it, and yet our misdirected moral concerns, our pride, our saviour complex, the adoration of another, falling in love with the larger than life version of ourselves that we saw in the BPD sufferer's eyes initially, all these confused us between what is delicious and what is nutritious.  We did not reason, we "rationalized" and ordered ourselves to be generous and "fogiving" and "accepting". 

We lost sight of the fact that it is not an issue of their past sex history or the reason why their behavior is what it is:  it is an issue of whether someone is functional or not, whether someone has the capacity for self-discipline or not--which are some of the the primary tenets of adulthood.

So, my suggestion for you is to read all the boards... .The Staying board will give you an idea of what it means to stay.  The Leaving board will give you another perspective, the Undecided will give you yet another facet of the relational dynamics... .and above all, do read the two articles about "How the BPD Relationship Evolves" and the various tools that have been proven to be helpful in communicating with a BPD sufferer.

I will try to post the links.

Learning more about this disorder at first will most probably bring out the super-hero wanna be complex in you... .sure, BPD is a dragon that I, Harvej, is strong enough to handle and tame... .and who knows this interesting relationship may bring out some of the best music I have ever created... .

Well, along with learning about this disorder, you need to also learn about yourself.

While you may not need therapy, I would definitely recommend Counseling from a person who specializes in counseling people who have lived with mentally disordered individuals.

I wish there were more clinical studies about the effect mental disorders have on people who love them/live with them/are committed to them... .

Knowledge means advancing your knowledge about this disease.

Wisdom is understanding what your limitations are... .and the difference between self-indulgence and self-fulfillment.

Courage/Heroism is acting upon the understanding of your own limitations/long term desires/goals.