So sick of calling myself an idiot

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was new here in April 2014. I went away. I thought everything would be ok, this time, from now on. It's not, of course. It's the same old rollercoaster. Him turning 180 on me, accusing me of being the reason for all kinds of hurt and misery (for things the world at large would consider 'no big deal'.

After another stunningly inappropriate show of selfishness, ugliness and self-pity on his part today, I thought I was ready to go no contact, finally. He has no idea how his tirades appear or feel to others, or that he's even doing them. But I do know that I don't agree with the way he talks about things, or the way he goes about achieving things (bullying, intimidating, cleverly-cornering in conversation, triangulating, calculating, blaming), so why in the world would I hang around someone like that? I wouldn't have a FRIEND who is like that, so why is it ok to sleep with someone who is like that? That part of it just isn't worth it to me. So what the heck is it that's keeping me circling back around for more daily scoldings?

The only thing I can come up with, is just having someone to talk to about silly, trivial and fun stuff. Joking about things and watching TV shows, movies, sports. I should find others to do that with.  I can do without the physical closeness - especially since I never really know when he's going to turn on me again (always verbally and emotionally, never physically).

Oh sure, he's 'not all that bad' when it comes to all the others out there I could be with. But it doesn't matter! It makes no sense to be miserable with someone.

I'm so sad, so sick of being stuck in this unhealthy cycle, and sick of having to call myself an idiot when I fall for it all over again.

[Southeast]

I was new here in April 2014. I went away. I thought everything would be ok, this time, from now on. It's not, of course. It's the same old rollercoaster. Him turning 180 on me, accusing me of being the reason for all kinds of hurt and misery (for things the world at large would consider 'no big deal'.

After another stunningly inappropriate show of selfishness, ugliness and self-pity on his part today, I thought I was ready to go no contact, finally. He has no idea how his tirades appear or feel to others, or that he's even doing them. But I do know that I don't agree with the way he talks about things, or the way he goes about achieving things (bullying, intimidating, cleverly-cornering in conversation, triangulating, calculating, blaming), so why in the world would I hang around someone like that? I wouldn't have a FRIEND who is like that, so why is it ok to sleep with someone who is like that? That part of it just isn't worth it to me. So what the heck is it that's keeping me circling back around for more daily scoldings?

The only thing I can come up with, is just having someone to talk to about silly, trivial and fun stuff. Joking about things and watching TV shows, movies, sports. I should find others to do that with.  I can do without the physical closeness - especially since I never really know when he's going to turn on me again (always verbally and emotionally, never physically).

Oh sure, he's 'not all that bad' when it comes to all the others out there I could be with. But it doesn't matter! It makes no sense to be miserable with someone.

I'm so sad, so sick of being stuck in this unhealthy cycle, and sick of having to call myself an idiot when I fall for it all over again.

[Southeast]

Rare moment of clarity: I *am* enough. I don't need anybody else to validate me, so by the same token I  don't give a rat's arse who has all these issues with me, or what those issues are. I can stand alone. I don't need someone with intense happy feelings to share everything with, especially not if those intense happy feelings then become intense character attacks against me within a split second.

I am enough to enjoy happy moments and life in general. If I don't share them, I'm still enough. I was enough before I began dating at 14. I can be enough again.

[I Am]

Southeast you are not alone.  I joined a little bit ago and have had at least two relapses of taking her back.  I am in the same boat.  I caved again last week when she swore this time she would do anything, that she was seeing the doc i recommended, admitted she has BPD.  Less than a week later the luster gone, back to the same.  She lost it sitting in a restaurant over dinner.  The public embarrassment is a tool she uses.  Sick and tired of being sick and tired i am alone again starting day one of no contact... .

The I am is great stuff!.  We are enough.  It just takes time and will power.   I have not had the will power not to cave when she begs after one week or a month.  This time, i hope to be stronger... .

[Southeast]

Thanks for the reply, I Am!

All the best to you this time around. I certainly understand how you feel. I think I have reached a new level of "This is a pointless waste of time". I am so sick of having my pity parties and thinking about how wronged I am on a daily basis. I'm actually looking around now, going 'what next?'. What is the next step?

I have tried having the patience of a saint. I have tried being all Lebowski & laid back about it. I have tried laughing off the rants. Nothing works. Once I did actually manage to put it all back on to him, hand his misery back to him to deal with like an adult, and retained my own sanity and good mood the whole time. I did that ONCE. I can't do it every day. I wish I could but I can't. Perhaps I'm not supposed to?

I think a big step for me is believing in myself, and that I am enough on my own. It's easy to say but not so easy to put in to practice, especially at the end of the day when things look scarier than normal.

[Southeast]

I've had a bit of (yet another) epiphany today. I actually find his accusations of all these terrible things I have supposedly done to be kind of funny. There is no loud yelling or physical abuse and I am not in physical danger, so I think it's really ok for me to laugh at this stuff. I know I'm not a liar. I know I'm not a cheat. I know I am true in my heart, and that I honestly only want positive things to happen for me and everybody else. So it doesn't make sense that I'd let his carefully-crafted, condescending pseudo-accusations, cross-examinations and lectures bother me.

Perhaps this means I'm truly ready to let go.

[helplessidiot]

I just let my wife back in the house. But not into my heart.

Good lord!  You're playing with fire, my friend!  Danger, danger.  Good luck trying to get her back out!

[I Am]

I am impressed you are able to be strong with her in the house  Helpless.  I'm not there yet.  I am hoping to be where southeast is.  able to really let go... .  It is just my pain at the moment.   She is in the hate phase while i am crushed.  about the time I heal up good she will be a basket case and call or drop by... .That is when i am going to need to post hourly... .to keep the faith... .

stay strong y'all.  and no judgement for relapses... .  just keep believing in yourself no matter what happens... .