War of attritiion, using the courts to harrass.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have had a hell of a time. I tell ya.

I have been on these boards off and on for years, we had 2 custody evals, false arrest of DV, thousands of dollars spent because I can't coparent with someone who is difficult and obstructive about everything. It has been almost 2 years since the last separation, 1 year, 10 months actually

So we had the last custody eval last year in June and the kids have been with me 75 percent, with Joint physical and joint legal since the February prior.

So here is what has happened the last few months;

- last winter ex continues harassment campaign, sending police to welfare checks, false police report on Christmas day, thanksgiving also.

- My d11 is having anxiety problems at school, afraid to go to class, school shrink calls me and says she is in the office having a break-down about bad things mom was saying about me on the way to school.

- kids doing good in therapy again, they open up to therapist. Therapist confronts ex about her parenting behavior. Ex files complaint against therapist, threatens therapist, Ex refuses to sign waiver so therapist can address the court.

-not so great lawyer, suggest, I get a 730 expert (evaluator and therapist, an MFT), so she can talk to old therapist and information relayed through her to court.

- Special master appointed.

- Special Master and 730 talk to old therapist at length, therapist expresses her concerns.

- 730 writes report, saying the kids should say with ex 4 nights a week and return to the old therapist. She leaves everything out of the report and includes nothing at all about ex's serious parenting issues and included exs false statements about me which were completely made up.

- Judge throws out recommendation, orders the kids return to old therapist

- old therapist refuses appointment writes a letter to the judge saying she would like to see the kids again but due to exs persistent legal complaints and threats she can not do so. Kids banned from entire organization.

- Special Master, begins to communicate exclusively with attorneys, not responding to my emails. Special master, initially recommends that the kids return to the 730 for therapy.  I object strongly and inform all that I do not trust the 730.

- This is second time A therapist had to stop seeing the kids due to threats by the ex.

- Special Master talks to old therapist. Special master quits shortly after and is now unresponsive.

- Ex files emergency motion to have 730 appointed as therapist.

- I am not able to sustain funds for legal battle at 300 dollars an hour legal battle, I got two years of tax refunds recently but I project the funds to be exhasted very shortly.

- Ex has inherited some money and has a low cost attorney

- Ex called the police again yesterday and tried to convince them the kids were suppose to be with her, she must have gotten her weekends mixed up.  She made no effort to email or text, she went straight to the police. 

The good news, the kids are doing better, they are more empowered and strong willed. They are unlikely to believe her lies about me at this point and I am doing better as well. I simply emailed her a BIFF statement yesterday with no mention of police contact, explaining that she may have gotten her weekends mixed up.

She did not get the reaction she wanted.

It is very sad that there is little hope for her improvement and little hope for the court to award me full custody it seems so I guess dancing in the rain is the way to go.

I have been back and forth with this thing and I have ordered some books on California family law, the same ones I noticed the lawyer was using. I am going to take much more active role from this point forward, I have no choice. I am fortunate that I am in the position I am in now, however, the ex is still able to wage her terror campaign by filing motions and running me out of money and it  seems rare that a judge will award attorney fees to discourage this.

I also am awake to the thought, which I am am not able to shake, that it is immoral to spend money on attorneys that could be used to buy things for the children.

It is unfortunate that the family law system, not unlike the innocent until proven broke mantra of the criminal justice system, seems set up to give advantage to the more difficult person with the ability to outspend the other party. 

Does anyone have any thoughts?

[sfbayjed]

I have had a hell of a time. I tell ya.

I have been on these boards off and on for years, we had 2 custody evals, false arrest of DV, thousands of dollars spent because I can't coparent with someone who is difficult and obstructive about everything. It has been almost 2 years since the last separation, 1 year, 10 months actually

So we had the last custody eval last year in June and the kids have been with me 75 percent, with Joint physical and joint legal since the February prior.

So here is what has happened the last few months;

- last winter ex continues harassment campaign, sending police to welfare checks, false police report on Christmas day, thanksgiving also.

- My d11 is having anxiety problems at school, afraid to go to class, school shrink calls me and says she is in the office having a break-down about bad things mom was saying about me on the way to school.

- kids doing good in therapy again, they open up to therapist. Therapist confronts ex about her parenting behavior. Ex files complaint against therapist, threatens therapist, Ex refuses to sign waiver so therapist can address the court.

-not so great lawyer, suggest, I get a 730 expert (evaluator and therapist, an MFT), so she can talk to old therapist and information relayed through her to court.

- Special master appointed.

- Special Master and 730 talk to old therapist at length, therapist expresses her concerns.

- 730 writes report, saying the kids should say with ex 4 nights a week and return to the old therapist. She leaves everything out of the report and includes nothing at all about ex's serious parenting issues and included exs false statements about me which were completely made up.

- Judge throws out recommendation, orders the kids return to old therapist

- old therapist refuses appointment writes a letter to the judge saying she would like to see the kids again but due to exs persistent legal complaints and threats she can not do so. Kids banned from entire organization.

- Special Master, begins to communicate exclusively with attorneys, not responding to my emails. Special master, initially recommends that the kids return to the 730 for therapy.  I object strongly and inform all that I do not trust the 730.

- This is second time A therapist had to stop seeing the kids due to threats by the ex.

- Special Master talks to old therapist. Special master quits shortly after and is now unresponsive.

- Ex files emergency motion to have 730 appointed as therapist.

- I am not able to sustain funds for legal battle at 300 dollars an hour legal battle, I got two years of tax refunds recently but I project the funds to be exhasted very shortly.

- Ex has inherited some money and has a low cost attorney

- Ex called the police again yesterday and tried to convince them the kids were suppose to be with her, she must have gotten her weekends mixed up.  She made no effort to email or text, she went straight to the police. 

The good news, the kids are doing better, they are more empowered and strong willed. They are unlikely to believe her lies about me at this point and I am doing better as well. I simply emailed her a BIFF statement yesterday with no mention of police contact, explaining that she may have gotten her weekends mixed up.

She did not get the reaction she wanted.

It is very sad that there is little hope for her improvement and little hope for the court to award me full custody it seems so I guess dancing in the rain is the way to go.

I have been back and forth with this thing and I have ordered some books on California family law, the same ones I noticed the lawyer was using. I am going to take much more active role from this point forward, I have no choice. I am fortunate that I am in the position I am in now, however, the ex is still able to wage her terror campaign by filing motions and running me out of money and it  seems rare that a judge will award attorney fees to discourage this.

I also am awake to the thought, which I am am not able to shake, that it is immoral to spend money on attorneys that could be used to buy things for the children.

It is unfortunate that the family law system, not unlike the innocent until proven broke mantra of the criminal justice system, seems set up to give advantage to the more difficult person with the ability to outspend the other party. 

Does anyone have any thoughts?

[Panda39]

sfbayjed,

It's so frustrating that your ex just keeps going on and on... .I've seen my SO go through much of what you are with his uBPDex. Including the feeling he is wasting financial resources that could/should go to his children. 

I've become so cynical watching the legal process I have just felt the courts either don't get it or don't care... .they get paid... .the attorneys get paid... .so what is the incentive to resolve things.

In spite of my cynicism I support my honey and his kids because ultimately that's what it's about.  Doing our very best to give the kids the best chance at a healthy, happy life.

I wish I had a brilliant legal strategy but all I have to offer is support. 

Know that many of us have been there and absolutely understand your stress, your worry for your kids, your financial concerns, and your frustration with your ex and the legal process. 

Good luck 

[trappeddad]

I also am awake to the thought, which I am am not able to shake, that it is immoral to spend money on attorneys that could be used to buy things for the children.

I am at that point too where I don't want to spend another $ on "lawyers" when I can spend that $ on my kid.   And I put lawyers in quotes as my various lawyers have not represented me well.   Some lawyers want to protect GALs or other court experts.     I am on the verge of firing a lead lawyer, representing myself and only have lawyers as advisers.    

I would not be hard on yourself my using the word "immoral" to spend $ on your attorneys, as you are paying to have more influence over your kids lives during these formative stages.    But there is a point where the attorney ROI (return on investment) is not working out anymore.    You say there is little hope that you will get full custody.    If the math says you have a 20% chance of full custody with a lawyer and 15% chance of full custody without a lawyer, and you have limited funds, I'd say go with the 15% chance.   

[livednlearned]

The fact that your kids are doing well is wonderful, sfbayjed. That is no small feat.

About plans to take on this legal establishment yourself, I say go for it.

Learn as much as you can about how the law works and become the closest thing you can to your own lawyer. If I wasn't trying to finish my graduate degree, I'd do the same thing. I don't have the bandwidth to learn two advanced degrees while working and being a single mom. If you have the time and the resolve, take on what you can -- you can always go pro tem or whatever it's called when you work part-time with a lawyer. You might actually win something! At the very least, you'll spare your ex the satisfaction of burying you in legal fees, not to mention you won't be getting buried in legal fees. And I can say from my own experience being awarded legal fees -- it just prolongs the pain. You only get a portion of the fees paid, and even then your BPD ex is highly unlikely to pay. So you have to go back to court only to watch the judge give her a second chance. Then she gets a new deadline, and a third bite of the apple. Back to court you go. Only then will she pay, and by then you've had to pay a lawyer $300/hour to get you your legal fees. It's the eighth circle of hell.

If your ex remains motivated, and it sounds like she will, the legal bills will crush you even if you win everything you want in court. I have won full custody but my ex is winning the financial/legal battle by burying me in frivolous law suits. I even have a gatekeeping order against him, and that doesn't stop him. The gatekeeping order is actually something the judge filed, and as far as I can tell, it's worthless. I filed an ex parte motion to suspend visitation and the judge cautiously reinstated visitation with conditions. My ex did the same thing your ex did -- he just filed a motion for contempt, saying that I denied visitation. He didn't even try to communicate with me, and hasn't made one attempt to see his son. So back to court we go, even with the gatekeeping order in place. All of this has cost thousands and thousands of dollars, and I'm convinced that's the only point to any of this.

And even if and when any of this ends, there is also appellate court. Pray that your ex does not discover she can appeal any of the orders. 

[casper324]

I am into my divorce about 9G and more then 75% of those costs were due to his bad behavior.  I was thinking last night if anyone sued their ex in smalls claims court over excessive legal bills?  I just had to spend 1000.00 on a motion to force him to submit his financial information and to get POA on properties we own in order to sell them.  This 1000.00 motion was submitted to the court on 6/24 and I haven't heard a peep.  The motions was submitted as an Emergency motion because I had offers on one of our properties, those buyers have walked. 

Watch divorce corp, family law is a huge money maker and one of the most abused.

[ForeverDad]

Kids banned from entire organization.

Most of the time it is neutrally referred to as "Withdrawal of Services".  My son's pediatrician "withdrew services" during our two year divorce because my ex, then the custodial parent in the temporary order, raged and cursed out the staff over the phone.  (Years later when I got custody I called to see if we could return and they said No.)  We had a few daycares and one daycare facility did "withdraw services" but the director refused to put in writing what ex did, not wanting to get involved in legal conflicts.  Another daycare actually filed for harassment protection from ex then withdrew it the next week.  We settled the divorce on Trial Morning and I became the Residential Parent for School Purposes in the final decree.  Son was in Kindergarten and had an excellent teacher.  I filled out the forms for son to continue in her school district until he completed the school year.  Less than two months later she had caused enough scenes - 6 weeks before the school year ended - they notified me by phone that the board had denied open enrollment and I was given one day to enroll our son in my school district.

Doesn't California have a Vexatious Litigant law?  Does it apply to family court, police and related professionals?  I've heard it has been only rarely declared.  LivednLearned remarked that her judge was going to start "gatekeeping" to monitor and address her ex's continuing filings.

[Boss302]

I wish I could give you some legal advice, but in my case, my BPDx made it easy for the courts to give me primary custody - her living situation was unstable and filthy. I was clearly the stable parent, so that was that.

Still, I can totally relate to what you're saying. I had a CFI on our case who, for some reason, decided I had major anger issues. She probably picked up that I was infuriated to have to pay $2100 a month to a woman who continually got evicted, let the kids live in utter filth, did not require them to attend school, and did not attend to their physical and dental needs. Meanwhile, I was barely able to keep a roof over my head, and could afford absolutely NO "extracurriculars" with the kids when they were with me - no dinners out, no movies, no trips, no nothing. None of this would make a dad angry, right?

The CFI ended up telling my BPDx in the bathroom that she should sue for custody again in six months... .on the day of the final hearing. Completely inappropriate and unprofessional.

I think a lot of these folks come from social work and related professions, where they're basically trained to believe anything a woman or child says, and in most cases, that may even make sense - there is clearly a lot of legitimate abuse going on out there. But in my case, my BPDx was herself an ex social worker, and knew EXACTLY what buttons to push on the CFI. And she did.

My best advice is this: DO NOT LET YOUR ANGER SHOW. Do whatever you have to do to hide it. And talk to a therapist about it - I made the mistake of not doing that while I was going through this, and that was a massive blunder on my part. Make sure you're not using the courts or the investigators to vent your issues.

And, yes, you have every right to feel angry about having to waste money on this kind of stupidity. But perhaps you could think of it as an investment in your kids' future.

Let us know how things go... .and hang in there.

[livednlearned]

Doesn't California have a Vexatious Litigant law?  Does it apply to family court, police and related professionals?  I've heard it has been only rarely declared.  LivednLearned remarked that her judge was going to start "gatekeeping" to monitor and address her ex's continuing filings.

I have what's called a gatekeeping order. The judge called for it. Just means that my ex has to get a board-certified family law attorney to approve it before it can be entered in court. Somehow, the clerk of court just let a new motion through without an attorney approving it, so right now I'm not feeling to confident about the gatekeeping order.

I'm going on the offensive in September and asking my attorney if we have enough for a vexatious litigant order, including asking for emotional damages.

Of course, that just means more $$$ to pay for something the gatekeeping order was supposed to do.

[Forestaken]

My best advice is this: DO NOT LET YOUR ANGER SHOW. Do whatever you have to do to hide it. And talk to a therapist about it - I made the mistake of not doing that while I was going through this, and that was a massive blunder on my part. Make sure you're not using the courts or the investigators to vent your issues.

And, yes, you have every right to feel angry about having to waste money on this kind of stupidity. But perhaps you could think of it as an investment in your kids' future.

I understand fully.   My X's L threaten to take me to court for not excuting the division of real estate 90 days after the settlement conference.  I couldn't because her L didn't complete the final decree.   (Re-fi or sale the house)

Backed down when we threaten to request payment for my L's court services if we won that point.

My T told me, it's all about money, what's more importnat the money or getting away from her?

[sfbayjed]

Well, I went camping with the kids for a couple of days,  I came back to find out that the judge ordered the kids back to this therapist that withheld vital information regarding their well being and that we follow a week on week of schedule until the next hearing during the last week of summer.

I am not too happy about it, my d11 does not want to stay over there more.  

I am torn whether to push for trial, get the truth out there and hope someone cares or maybe I should let the ex have some rope.  I know she would hang herself in time. I am worried about the kids though.  

Ex is accusing me of being difficult of course and attached a thing saying I had money in the bank, which I did when I got 2 tax returns with in a few months of each other and since have been spending much more every month than I am bringing in.  I told the special master it wasn't sustainable and that got twisted into "he has money but isn't paying because he is difficult"

The kids old therapist, just didnt withdraw services, she wrote a resignation letter to the judge, stating that she wished to continue but has regrettably desiced to decline over concern with "constant and persistent legal complaints by and threats by mother"   Not the first time it has happened.

Seems like it is being ignored.  

Kind of hard to make a rational decision right now. i am worried about the kids. I think my ex is a true sociopath who is only get worse as she and the kids get older.

I know my ex will never stop. she got some money from her grandfather when he died who had 200 thousand in cash. I am sure she is hiding all her assets as well.  I haven't done that, maybe I should have.